Keeptrying1432
Fapstronaut
When I was a teenager I knew that masturbating was not a good thing. I mean it does show I'm growing up healthy by having these desires, but watching pornography and touching myself I don't know I put a lot of guilt on my shoulders. I became very sexually frustrated and curious. When I turned 19 or 18 I decided that how I've been going about it is silly and I should embrace it and become comfortable. Stop kidding myself and be honest I like listening and watching porn, like anyone I enjoyed how it felt to satisfy those desires. I guess when I was single I had a better excuse to indulge. But I am a married woman now. I have a good husband who loves me and cares about me very much. We've only been married for a few years and I took this habit with me into this marriage. It was always when he wasn't around and I felt the urge. So I thought it was very personal taking care of business I did what I always did. But I noticed that it wouldn't just stay with me during those times. When we were together I was remembering my favorite porn scenes, I'd act like those girls, because this is what I thought sex was. Because of this I think I didn't enjoy our intimacy as much because I wasn't 100% there. I also didn't feel honest because sometimes he'd call in the middle of it or I'd quickly have to clean up and pretend nothing happened. In an indirect way it felt like I wasn't being faithful to the man that I love. I did my best to change by educating myself on the porn industry, how masturbating effects negatively. It wasn't successful
I finally opened up to my husband asking for his help and he responded so beautifully. Yes he was disappointed, but he promised that wed get through this together. With his help I was clean for six months. Until one day I let myself relapse one time and ever since then its become even more difficult, the thoughts are more intense, I dream of it. I was too ashamed to let him that I was struggling again. He did find out though, he had a strong feeling. Later that night I read a whole bunch of articles on how this addiction destroyed marriages and cried my eyes out. I knew I had to find a way to prevent myself to getting to porn so that he can feel like he can trust me. I subscribed to Spin web browser and it makes it so that is the only browser I can use. It blocks everything related to pornography. Which was a relief for both of us I thought that would be enough. But I haven't cleaned out my mind entirely and it's become harder when I discovered that I could watch sexy things on youtube. My phone won't let me delete the app so what am I going to do?I can't run away from the dirtiness and just depend on that to avoid my habit I guess. I'll find it somewhere, some way, some how. So maybe this website and community is the way to go. I want live my day clean and guilt-free. I want to feel proud and happy to receive him when he comes home because all day I've been busy with things that make us happy. Instead of spending a few minutes doing something I regret, spend so much time trying to make things look like nothing happened, juggling the guilt and anxiety I feel, then quickly try to make up for lost time by half-assing dinner, tidying, and being extremely cheerful and loving when he comes home so there's absolutely no suspicion. Even though that probably makes me look even more suspect. I've always been terrible at hiding things. If I can't do this on my own, then I'm grateful for this community already. I need help. Excited to get to know all of you
I finally opened up to my husband asking for his help and he responded so beautifully. Yes he was disappointed, but he promised that wed get through this together. With his help I was clean for six months. Until one day I let myself relapse one time and ever since then its become even more difficult, the thoughts are more intense, I dream of it. I was too ashamed to let him that I was struggling again. He did find out though, he had a strong feeling. Later that night I read a whole bunch of articles on how this addiction destroyed marriages and cried my eyes out. I knew I had to find a way to prevent myself to getting to porn so that he can feel like he can trust me. I subscribed to Spin web browser and it makes it so that is the only browser I can use. It blocks everything related to pornography. Which was a relief for both of us I thought that would be enough. But I haven't cleaned out my mind entirely and it's become harder when I discovered that I could watch sexy things on youtube. My phone won't let me delete the app so what am I going to do?I can't run away from the dirtiness and just depend on that to avoid my habit I guess. I'll find it somewhere, some way, some how. So maybe this website and community is the way to go. I want live my day clean and guilt-free. I want to feel proud and happy to receive him when he comes home because all day I've been busy with things that make us happy. Instead of spending a few minutes doing something I regret, spend so much time trying to make things look like nothing happened, juggling the guilt and anxiety I feel, then quickly try to make up for lost time by half-assing dinner, tidying, and being extremely cheerful and loving when he comes home so there's absolutely no suspicion. Even though that probably makes me look even more suspect. I've always been terrible at hiding things. If I can't do this on my own, then I'm grateful for this community already. I need help. Excited to get to know all of you