Guess it's my turn...

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by HopefulChristian, Mar 5, 2017.

  1. Update: I read another thread in this forum where one user said vents should be saved for journals if you want commiseration rather than advice. I agree. Will follow through next time. Apologies.

    The thought of writing this was making me sad but now I feel better. Don't hold this stuff in. Denying there's something wrong won't make it go away anyway.

    So. I'm unhappy with my social life. I'm a homebody so forcing myself to go out can be a bit of a challenge. More importantly, they're aren't people in my life that I feel compelled to spend time with. The two people I thought I would have a lasting friendship with in college moved away and now I just keep in touch with through Facebook. Well I did --it wasn't my intention, but I spend most of my time on NoFap and I've begrudgingly accepted that I don't need it as much as I thought I did. Hopefully I will visit one of those friends over spring break, I haven't seen her since she got pregnant and had her baby :)

    I didn't have a large friend group in high school -- that doesn't mean I can't make friends/or wasn't liked just that I didn't hang outside of school with a big group. I'm very much a one-on-one person anyway -- because that's the way life goes, the friendships slowly died over time. So that meant college became my new (and only) source for new friendships. But college is different. You get to know someone over a semester (or in my case, a quarter. Even shorter!) but then you may never see them again. In college you have to make the effort to hang out once class is over otherwise you only get Facebook. And clearly, that is not enough.

    I'm graduating next quarter. This is not the time to sink my claws into my remaining "friendships" when I'm moving on anyway. I'm moving back home. In all likelihood I'll get a job (no -- I will get a job. I don't have a choice lol) and make new friends and get close to them and the cycle will repeat. I guess I'm just...I don't know. I lost the point of this.

    NoFap. Some of you are my friends, no quotes. But we both know this is temporary. I'll reach a point where you don't matter anymore. Think of you fondly but move on with my life. But right now I really appreciate you and think it would be cool to meet IRL just once, but that's a big risk with little payoff. Internet friendships don't make it. You can meet someone to date and maybe marry, but you don't get lasting friendships from it. So what's the point?

    Hm. I don't know where I was supposed to go with this. I guess I'm just fed up. I was sad but it all seems useless now. Your best friend (like that one person you've know since childhood and just know they're in your life forver. I have one of those. Thank God. But again, life) and your spouse. That's all you get. Sometimes your spouse and best friend are the same person and then you're really f*** if you get divorced.

    I don't know guys. This is the part where I say something uplifting and praise Jesus (worthy of praise) but I don't have anything left. I'm tired. There's only one relationship that will stand the test of time but we don't really get to experience it fully until we die. That's a long wait for most of us.

    So yeah. Thanks for listening. I guess. Don't really need advice.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 5, 2017
  2. I Free I

    I Free I Guest

    It's all apart of the plan... it may not seem like so but it may be necessary right now to learn from all this , I know this from experience .

    If you praise and pray to god daily, the brighter days can be so . I am a witness .
    God is Good, Always remember that .
     
  3. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    I know it was a vent, and you don't need advice. So I say I hear you.

    I did have problems learning how to make friends until I was 40. I have overcome that, and I can tell you that anytime is a good time to make them, even if you are moving away. If you want some ideas on how, I have some pretty proven methods. (Worked for me, I went from no friends to 5 I consider close/BFF's and 100 I see every so often).

    Again, I feel your pain. I live in a college town. My best friend will be moving in July. My GF graduates and goes to an army post in June. My personal trainer responsible for motivating me and assisting me to get a better life leaves in May. My Ex-wife now lives in Canada. And finally, I'm looking for a job myself (out of work), which might require me to move. In short, I understand loss, and impending change that creates loss.

    I've said it before, and now will say it again.... hugs from random stranger on the web.
     
  4. Monster Carrot

    Monster Carrot Fapstronaut

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    Do you have a church family?
     
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  5. Thanks and sure you can tell me your ways. Just because I feel I don't need it now doesn't mean I won't need it later. *hugs*
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 5, 2017
  6. Yes, but they are on the older side and again, I'm leaving. The most social group I have is a christian group on campus called The Navigators (they are a collegiate organization -- just in case someone here is in college and is interested ~) but hanging out every once in a while outside of campus is enough for me. I love them in my own way but I'm ready to move on.
     
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  7. ILoathePorn

    ILoathePorn Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Feeling lonely sucks. It is a crappy feeling. Then, like you said you can make friends here and there and especially online, things change, schedules change, thoughts change, people grow apart for whatever reason and then one starts to think what is the point of even making new friends.

    I wonder if it isn't a matter of being happy with yourself and enjoying the time with people that you do make friends with. In time things will change and you will make new friends and you enjoy the time. During all of this if a person can be happy with themselves overall, maybe those in between times aren't so bad.

    Just a thought and probably doesn't make any sense.
     
  8. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    So I didn't know how to meet people, and was uncomfortable just talking with anyone. However, my ex started going to random social groups she found on 'meetup.com'. We found one for board games. As soon as I met the people was hooked. See it's far easier to go do an activity, and then passively chat with people as you get comfortable, than to just 'go and meet people'. Board games end up being the perfect medium. You can focus on playing the game, and make chit chat as you feel comfortable. I've generally found the people that play games are in a warm friendly mood and tend to be a little bit sharper (not all mind you, and I could tell tales).

    There are these kinds of meetup's everywhere. Once you find a theme you like, you can go to any city and feel comfortable meeting people there with the same interest. I've gone from my town where I was comfortable, to Denver and found more friendly fun people. They are designed to welcome anyone to just RSVP and show up.

    I went from painful introvert with no friends to actual lead organizer of the group. Now I feel more comfortable and going to meet random people. I actually host monthly full game days from my house, and I never know who will be coming. (I've not had any issue with that either). I now have 400 members in my group, and each month brings 5 or 10 more.

    It doesn't have to be meetup.com, there are all kinds of social groups out there. Whatever gets you out, and has a mechanism for welcoming new members will work.

    In any case, if you are anywhere close, I'd invite you come come play games with my group. If you do get interested in board games there is a huge group that discuss games and post pics of their game rooms on facebook. It's on facebook called 'the boardgame group'. It has over 18k members.

    Let me know if you have any questions about that.
     
  9. Thanks that's a good idea. I'll keep it in mind
     
  10. It makes sense. And I'm much more of that mindset now. I just needed to let my frustration out.
     
  11. Sinfree

    Sinfree Fapstronaut

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    Sigh, I just read through your post. I feel like I'm going to need to vent my sense of loneliness as well altough I know it won't mean much. I'm also a Christian, currently in college. I've been on Nofap and after a year, I found that I don't really have a social life anymore. I used to have a lot of friends in highschool when i used to socialize heavily. I.e. When I used to be extremely oblivious to my sins (addictions to porn, cigarettes, substances). But I got tired eventually with all the superficiality and those relationships drifted away.

    These days, I am on a flatline. Time flies by. (I think two months just flew by for me). I pray to God but to be honest it seems like my endurance is getting tested. But I know it is a test worthwhile. I just have to endure this test. But I don't know where it will lead me.

    Quite frankly, I do see some opportunities here and there to socialize. It's not like I've forced myself into complete isolation. (But I guess I might have) I.e. Dorm neighbors hitting me up, classmates, people I just know, people I went to the same high school with, people I met here on campus.. but I refuse to actually go out there because I know I will never get the satisfaction I want from these people. I thought that I might have built up a superiority complex after I atarted Nofap but then I realized it wasnt that. It's just that I don't wish to be a part of the worldly herd.

    I am very tired, of everything. I think what I can say to you is that Jesus is the only person who can satisfy you, but I guess I really mean to say that out loud for myself.
     
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  12. ILoathePorn

    ILoathePorn Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    It is good to get your frustrations out. Release those emotions and then you can process things more clearly.
     
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  13. Hey there, fellow Christian college student! You're right, Jesus is the most satisfying and complete relationship we'll ever have...but like I alluded to in my post, it may take a long time to experience that!

    In one way, it's encouraging that being among the worldly crowd no longer interests you
    -- it will make your walk with Christ that much easier. However, remember you are still a person of this world.

    I feel like your predicament is a much easier fix than mine, which is good. Don't write off all your "worldly" friends -- remember everybody has their vices and you wouldn't want people to not hang out with you because of yours, right?

    To find more satisfaction in your social life, find your Christian brethen! Many colleges have Christian clubs and you could also go to a local church. No club? No problem! You can make your own. IRL I'm not as open about my faith...it is quite possible that you have Christian friends that you don't know about. I'd say reach out and ask.
    After all, sheep of the same heard, flock together

    Wait. I don't think that's how it goes...;)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 8, 2017
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  14. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    To back up what @HopefulChristian is saying, there are all kinds of activities you can do without worrying about your faith as an issue or being judged and brought down.

    My social group has all kinds of people in it. Some are very atheist, some are conservative devout Christians. (I also have gay, bi, and poly couples in my group). You can be social and a good social group will be respectful. I have one member that is particularly sensitive christian, he is working on a theology degree. He knows his limits and feels comfortable leaving the room if a discussion comes up that touches his sensibility. We still welcome him, and try not to antagonize him. (But honestly, if you've played 'cards against humanity' its designed to antagonize and push limits). In short, don't believe your faith has to leave you isolated. Good and caring people are out there. I would say 75% of my group is 'givers'. If you don't have a group already established in your community, then think about creating one. You would be surprised how easy it is to get started and grow.

    (If you want suggestions on getting started. let me know).

    This next part is crude and may trigger... if so I apologize.

    But my ex (who grew up baptist, and later became atheist, and activist for religious freedoms, and separation of church and state, had this as crude statement to say)..... (Belief systems are like penises, It's ok and good you have one, and as long as you don't try to shove it down my throat, we are going to be ok).
     
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  15. I love Cards against Humanity.

    True.
     
  16. HappyDaysAreHereAgain

    HappyDaysAreHereAgain Fapstronaut

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    I am glad that you are still Hopeful and Christian. Being lonely is not a sin. A few of Jesus phrases sound like there were times that he walked a lonely road. He only had one "beloved" disciple, and only a few others that he took with him in important times. In the strangest chapter in the gospels, he started with 5,000 and scared off all but 12, and then he asked them if they would also leave him. Only one of the 12 was mentioned nearby as he was crucified. I say that to say just because you feel alone does not mean you have done anything wrong.
    Loneliness and depression hurt, and we want to be free of them. I know that I must be true to God and true to myself, but there have been times when I have tried selling out in a losing attempts to buy in. I never was really in. I have accepted that the best that I can do in this life is build a few good relationships and be a neighbor to those around me that need one.
    I hope that you can build relationships, even if they appear doomed. Once, I enjoyed a New Jersey summer camp romance. I was from Ohio, she was from Texas, and, after camp, we both went back to our parents with only snail mail and very limited land lines. That was 41 years ago, and, now, we have only been married for 40. Live each day as a gift from God and enjoy the way, even when it's a lonely road.
     
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  17. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    ^^Good now what?
     
  18. For me personally, I've moved around a lot growing up. So a lot of my early childhood friends I no longer talk to (other then fb).. You know that moment when you pass by someone who you used to be really close with :(

    I have roughly 2-3 friends who I know genuinely care about me and really know what goes on in my life and/or give a shit lol I trust them both 100% and yes those are friends I've had since middle school.

    Seinfeld had a bit on exactly this issue. (It helps to read this in the Jerry voice...)

    When you're [an adult] it's very hard to make a new friend. Whatever the group is that you've got now, that's who you're going with. You're not interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not interested in seeing any applications. They don't know the places. They don't know the food. They don't know the activities.

    If I meet a guy in a club on the gym or someplace: 'I'm sure you're a very nice person. You seem to have a lot of potential, but we're just not hiring right now.'

    Of course when you're a kid, you can be friends with anybody. Remember when you were a little kid, what were the qualifications? If someone's in front of my house NOW, that's my friend. That's it.

    'Are you a grown up?' 'No.' 'Great! Come on in. Jump up and down on my bed.'

    And if you have anything in common at all, 'You like Cherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We're BEST friends!'
     
  19. stygian

    stygian Fapstronaut

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    Probably everyone I've ever known has thought this way, but I have not and do not understand it. I think of my friendships as life-long. Yes, I realize that if I meet someone after a number of years, we may both have changed and no longer share similar interests. But I never expect that to be a possibility, and if someone contacts me after 10 or 15 years from out-of-town, I am going to be happy to have them stay at my place. I made friendships here a few years ago and still think of them sometimes. I met someone online more than 5 years ago and still keep in contact on a regular basis. We met up when she was in my country last year. I agree that if friendships are not going to last, then why have them, but why assume that they aren't going to last? I think part of the mentality is superficiality. Many people are not truly friends, but acquaintances, yet are labeled as friends, or mistaken for being friends. I'm sure you've heard many stories of someone who lost their fortune or became ill, and who they thought were friends disappeared, and the ones they didn't think were friends stuck around.
     
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  20. Sinfree

    Sinfree Fapstronaut

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    Haha, nice to hear back from you. Just finished with my midterms now and I'm trying to get my social life right back up again. And yes, I did realize - that I was also a part of this world, even when I don't and didn't want to be. But it seems to me that I don't want to go back to that puddle of sin anymore. I'm not judging people because they might smoke weed, drink and party heavily because I know I once used to do that as well. However, I don't want to become closer with them in terms of relationships either because there is no point anymore,, All these people talk about is weed, drinking, and sex, which I no longer wish to a part of..

    As for the christian groups,, I'd be better off making my own one. I've tried to go to all of the christian groups on campus but none of them felt right to me. Everyone in church were simply socializing. None, it seemed, truly cared about Jesus,, although this, I admit, is probably my faulty judgement indeed.

    But I know that God is good, as the first commentor of this thread mentioned..

    Thanks for your reply!
     
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