Guess my nofap process finally destroyed... i do not want to live anymore...

[saddist_adult]

It was about a couple months ago, i was dealing with huge stress and almost the urge to PMO, i went on YouTube watching a girl masturbating without showing nudity parts , frame is cropped only showing their facial expressions and moaning since YouTube policies anyways... It was probably the stupidest thing i ever did... Later on it was slippers slopped, i stopped now... But i remembered about i used to find a girl sucking on cucumber on YouTube and watching the nastiest one that her mouth watering looked like cums in her mouth... Now I'm tripping thinking about it.... Was doing just fine until i remembered all these...

Since my general anxiety been getting worsen, and loneliness is chokehold on my soul... I do not think i can continue with nofap anymore... I'm grateful for the beneficial i gained from doing nofap for years due to hardcore PMO addiction, it changed my life completely but about the recently incidents... I could not deny more or deluded myself into whether it's a slip or relapse...

Good things never happened to me, i spend my adulthood unhappy, boring, emotional pains, being excluded, abandoned, shame, pathetic, self sabotaging, friendless and everyone hate me, and I'm always the problem.... It's a clear sign to me that I'm probably just cursed with loneliness and unlucky. So overall if those incidents consider relapse.... then I'm giving up... I'm done trying to change my life, I'm done want to create a better future, I'm done seeking meaningful life and genuine intimacy...
I was always a failure, weak, loser... Fought myself for years to rebuild my mentality... It's just been up a bit now it went completely down hil... I won't try to change my life anymore, i had enough of pains...

 

[Perseverance _14]

@saddist_adult You only “fail” if you give up completely. Even that is not exactly a failure because you can always choose to move forward and rehabilitate.

^ Edit: Adding a quote I just read which I resonate with “In recovery, there is no such thing as failure” - From an article by Fight the new drug

I’m sure many of us here have had periods in our life where we also temporarily gave up on something, only to come back to it later. NoFap (No-PMO) is an example for that in my experiences(s).

This moment is a new moment, a new breath never experienced before. That’s the beauty of the present moment. Forget the past, and quit dwelling so much on what the future holds.

I feel your anger, frustration, distress, and sadness. Holding compassion and forgiveness for yourself and others will elevate you and assist you more than you’d think, trust.

In terms of whether it was a slip, or was it a relapse, at this point what does it matter. What’s done is done regardless. You can choose to move on and keep trying until you succeed which you will! Or you can stay stuck in the cycle of shame, feeling unworthy, feeling broken, clouded in a frequency of negativity.

The main point is YOU have the power to decide, and dictate where you’d like go and what you’d like to do. You have free will.

I noticed from your previous threads and posts that youtube/social media in general seems to be a continuous trigger. Maybe cutting it out or having a stricter feed for a little bit will help and avoid these moments that you despise and throw you into a loop of despair, fear and self-hate. Just a thought

You got this, you are worthy of love no matter what you think. Porn/any artificial erotic stimuli will NEVER help you become a better person. You must cut it out in order to keep elevating towards your higher potential within. You won’t regret it.

 

[saddist_adult]

@saddist_adult You only “fail” if you give up completely. Even that is not exactly a failure because you can always choose to move forward and rehabilitate.

I’m sure many of us here have had periods in our life where we also temporarily gave up on something, only to come back to it later. NoFap (No-PMO) is an example for that in my experiences(s).

This moment is a new moment, a new breath never experienced before. That’s the beauty of the present moment. Forget the past, and quit dwelling so much on what the future holds.

I feel your anger, frustration, distress, and sadness. Holding compassion and forgiveness for yourself and others will elevage you and assist you more than you’d think, trust.

In terms of whether it was a slip, or was it a relapse, at this point what does it matter. What’s done is done regardless. You can choose to move on and keep trying until you succeed which you will! Or you can stay stuck in the cycle of shame, feeling unworthy, feeling broken, clouded in a frequency of negativity.

The main point is YOU have the power to decide, and dictate where you’d like go and what you’d like to do. You have free will.

I noticed from your previous threads and posts that youtube/social media in general seems to be a continuous trigger. Maybe cutting it out or having a stricter feed for a little bit will help and avoid these moments that you despise and throw you into a loop of despair, fear and self-hate. Just a thought

You got this, you are worthy of love no matter what you think. Porn/any artificial erotic stimuli will NEVER help you become a better person. You must cut it out in order to keep elevating towards your higher potential within. You won’t regret it.

I'm really appreciate for the positivity and encouragement... I seriously could not wrap my head around those incidents... Cause i have to reset everything from years i fought for so long... Have been going to wasted over stupidity and lack of self awareness... I can feel my anxiety raising up and starting to lose the power i gained from nofap... I'm just incredibly disappointed...

Anyways thank you so much for genuinely wanted to help

 

[Deleted Account]

I have fallen down numerous times during my NoFap journey and have I given up? Nope! Because as @Eternal_14 mentioned you only fail if you give up. I have not given up despite the degenerate things I have watched and no matter how many times I have made a mess of myself I have always cleaned myself up admitted to my faults before starting over again. I stopped trying to watch porn on YouTube it's all trash anyway, I keep getting emails from the websites I used to visit but I mostly send those messages to spam and delete them. That being said, try seeking a meaningful life first before seeking intimacy. A lot of people are mistaken that intimacy makes life meaningful. That's backwards, I wouldn't say I am particularly happy with where I am at either, but I am thankful that I get to pass trails and trees on my way to work. I am also happy that at the end of each week if I make it through NoFap with no relapses/resets I treat myself to some good cold beer.

 

[saddist_adult]

I have fallen down numerous times during my NoFap journey and have I given up? Nope! Because as @Eternal_14 mentioned you only fail if you give up. I have not given up despite the degenerate things I have watched and no matter how many times I have made a mess of myself I have always cleaned myself up admitted to my faults before starting over again. I stopped trying to watch porn on YouTube it's all trash anyway, I keep getting emails from the websites I used to visit but I mostly send those messages to spam and delete them. That being said, try seeking a meaningful life first before seeking intimacy. A lot of people are mistaken that intimacy makes life meaningful. That's backwards, I wouldn't say I am particularly happy with where I am at either, but I am thankful that I get to pass trails and trees on my way to work. I am also happy that at the end of each week if I make it through NoFap with no relapses/resets I treat myself to some good cold beer.

Thanks man for taking time writing these... I may disappoint you... Since relapse mean everything to me if it actually was relapse, then that's it... I wouldn't have to fight anymore... Life is never good anyways, so thank you genuinely

 

[Deleted Account]

It was about a couple months ago, i was dealing with huge stress and almost the urge to PMO, i went on YouTube watching a girl masturbating without showing nudity parts only showing their facial expressions and moaning since YouTube policies anyways... It was probably the stupidest thing i ever did... Later on it was slippers slopped, i stopped now... But i remembered about i used to find a girl sucking on cucumber on YouTube and watching the nastiest one that her mouth watering looked like cums in her mouth... Now I'm tripping thinking about it.... Was doing just fine until i remembered all these...

Since my general anxiety been getting worsen, and loneliness is chokehold on my soul... I do not think i can continue with nofap anymore... I'm grateful for the beneficial i gained from doing nofap for years due to hardcore PMO addiction, it changed my life completely but about the recently incidents... I could not deny more or deluded myself into whether it's a slip or relapse...

Good things never happened to me, i spend my adulthood unhappy, boring, emotional pains, being excluded, abandoned, shame, pathetic, self sabotaging, friendless and everyone hate me, and I'm always the problem.... It's a clear sign to me that I'm probably just cursed with loneliness and unlucky. So overall if those incidents consider relapse.... then I'm giving up... I'm done trying to change my life, I'm done want to create a better future, I'm done seeking meaningful life and genuine intimacy...
I was always a failure, weak, loser... Fought myself for years to rebuild my mentality... It's just been up a bit now it went completely down hil... I won't try to change my life anymore, i had enough of pains...

Brother, don’t believe the lies that your brain is telling you.

You’re not a loser or a failure.

And life is worth living, and it’s worth if living WELL! Without the corrruption and enslavement of porn that hinders true relationships and destroys the confidence we are supposed to have as men.

It’s okay if you relapse or slip up, it’s all good. It’s not the end of the world! You got your whole life ahead of you! Just get up, wipe the mud off your clothes, and keep walking! The journey and all the joys of life around yo hate with it.

It’s worth it to fight the monster of porn and not let it pull you back into slavery!

Reachout if you need help! I’m always down to PM.

 

[saddist_adult]

Brother, don’t believe the lies that your brain is telling you.

You’re not a loser or a failure.

And life is worth living, and it’s worth if living WELL! Without the corrruption and enslavement of porn that hinders true relationships and destroys the confidence we are supposed to have as men.

It’s okay if you relapse or slip up, it’s all good. It’s not the end of the world! You got your whole life ahead of you! Just get up, wipe the mud off your clothes, and keep walking! The journey and all the joys of life around yo hate with it.

It’s worth it to fight the monster of porn and not let it pull you back into slavery!

Reachout if you need help! I’m always down to PM.

I want to stay positive too... But it seems like my mental well being is slowly drifting away... I can sense the old addiction is about to abrupt me again... A relapse is everything to me... I'm genuinely thank you for taking time writing this...

 

[g2stop]

Examine the lies your addiction is telling you and write them here and we will help you dispel all the lies and give you the freedom you deserve

 

[saddist_adult]

Examine the lies your addiction is telling you and write them here and we will help you dispel all the lies and give you the freedom you deserve

Those aren't lying... it's the reality of my life, i could not deny it... Also, the post hasn't confirmed whether i'm relapsed or just slipped... i have 2 options in my head... relapse, i will end this miserable life, else slipped i will just continue and create a new set of rule for my journey... I also want to keep on living and continuing to fight the addiction...

 

[g2stop]

You can’t see the lies because that is the nature of addiction, we have all been through it

 

[Deleted Account]

it's the reality of my life, i could not deny it

Not every reality is a true and good reality. Some Realities are false.

For example, I know this outlandish, but if an individual that lives in a reality where he finds pleasure at the pain of his own children, that is not a good or “true” reality where he should exist in. He needs to be confronted that the reality of his pleasure coming from the pain of his children, is false and unhealthy and not good for either him or his children.

That’s the way I like to think of it.

When I lived and consumed and loved my sense of pleasure from porn and AMPs I really believed at certain moments that those experience of pleasure weren’t hurting anyone, but they were, especially me. And a lot of trauma towards my wife as well as the years went on… I had to address, recognize, and escape that fake reality for what it was and enter into a new GOOD and actually TRUE and healthy reality of life (a reality where my sexual pleasure isn’t the center of my life, but just one part of my life that I cannot and should not obsess over).

Only then, when I changed my “mental real estate” of where I lived in my mind and what I believers, only then did I start making real changes.

You can do it bro! You can escape that false reality and those false believes that keep you stuck on porn or whatever you’re addicted to. And we’d love to help in addressing and pointing out those lies or false premises.

love you bro!

 

[saddist_adult]

DON'T GIVE UP MAN! We're all in this together, you're not alone!!!

I relapsed yesterday after almost 70 days. The counter is set back to zero and I'll feel like s..t for 2-3 days, thats for sure, but life goes on. Do whatever it takes to stop yourself from binging now: turn off your computer, go outside, change your mental state. I was lying to myself that PMO will improve my mood during a difficult time, but it absolutely didn't. I'm not beating myself up now for loosing the counter (I was aiming for 90 days), as it only makes things worse. Be proud of what you achieved, and it is proof that you're capable and that you can always improve. Start again with a small target, like 1 day! Then another, then another. It's not about counting days anyway.

The day counter is lost, but that's it. You've gained massively since trying NoFap and nothing can take that away from you. What's more (and what sets you apart from other poor souls) is that you have full awareness now of the benefits of Nofap and the drawbacks of PMO. The road ahead is clear, you only have to keep it up for a few hours or days to fight the urges and chaser effect (as must I).

Your brain will tell you that you need a dopamine lift now that you're feeling down. You probably do, but get it through healthy things: exercise, meeting people, being outdoors etc.

I'm in a similar boat, as I get tempted by content on YT and Insta, that then leads me to more stuff. I was doing well for most of the 70 days until I let myself (1) use a bit of social media, for which I had to turn off my phone and browser blockers, (2) having "just a peak" at YT content ("I won't watch the video, I'll simply look at the video list to see if she added anything new"), (3) having just a peak at Insta. I thought I can trust myself here, but now I know that's not the case. It's just too tempting and easy, since without the content blockers (like parental control on the phone or Cold Turkey blocker) you're always one click away, constantly. I find that this constant mind battle is exhausting. When I know that the content is blocked anyway, the urges are way smaller.

It's extremely tricky, as it seems "innocent": it's only YT, right? But it's part of the P industry, as most of these accounts lead you to OF or Patreon or whatever.

Yes... It's only YouTube it didn't even show nudity just cropped frame only see their face and sound... I didn't even masturbate though...

 

[saddist_adult]

Yes, I had the same a few days ago, watched some YT. Be extremely careful now and don't let yourself do it again. For a few days I relaxed my rules and started to keep 2-3 counters (like one for P, one for M, one for YT), as I didn't want to lose it all. But it only lead me to more peaking at YT, "well since I don't masturbate to them, my M counter is still strong, might as well have another peak". Wrong, it only leads to more serious P stuff. Treat it like a big warning sign and don't do it again.

Trust me, elevating it and watching more is not worth it. The urges are stronger each time you feed them. Once you cut it short, it's done. If you keep peeking, you'll end up with PMO again. I was absolutely sure I wouldn't M (even wrote a post about it a few hours before ;D). First I started watching google search thumbnails for the YT channel, then the video list, then a few seconds of the video, then the whole video, then new stuff, then full PMO. It took a few days, but I kept feeding the urges and they kept getting stronger.

Please do anything it takes to stop the peaking, do it for me! Install a porn blocker, uninstall YT, block it, forget about. For desktop I recommend Cold Turkey Blocker, a chrome extension. For phone I used the built in parental control, but it wasn't enough for me apparently, I'm now looking for a better porn blocker app.

Yep these incidents happened months ago... But now i already stopped since i realized it would lead to a pure relapse. Also by any mean... You think I'm not relapse yet? But it could possibly relapse if i keep continuing peek?

 

[saddist_adult]

I kept asking myself that same question after my first YT session. Should I count it as a relapse or not? For me personally I know I should count it as a relapse. I started a new challenge (day zero) of "PMS" - no porn, no M, no substitues (meaning YT or Insta). Once I relaxed my rules it was all downhill. I think a one off incident is OK, but be mindful of repeating it and increasing the intensity.

I seriously can't count it as a relapse.... Cause a relapse mean everything to me, it has been years since i did nofap... It was nothing serious just shown the faces... I didn't even masturbate.... I'm so fucking stressed right now, if i really relapse everything will be wasted... I couldn't even function right now

 

[saddist_adult]

Then that's your answer man. Honestly the day counting matters as a motivation boost to keep going, but it's not your identity, right? It's not like you kept charging the phone and with one peak the battery went back to zero. You're so much better off than at the beginning of the journey. A peak or relapse is a set back, one step backwards, but you made so many steps forwards.

I don't know your story and why you assign so much importance to the day counter. What matters is not to do PMO. Every day is a victory without it, wheather it's in a 1000 day streak or 1 day streak it doesn't matter.

The reason why counter mean so much to me... I do not want to go back to my old addiction self... I am traumatized at what happened in past events... It almost entirely ruined my life, i fought for years to finally get back to my sense and discovered my true self... nofap deserved all the credits... this might be a little annoying that i will ask you again... im so sorry... Would you consider it a slip up or a relapse? there's a person told me it's a slipped up, it's not like i was went straight to porn site and edging....

 

[Deleted Account]

Would you consider it a slip up or a relapse?

I would say it’s only a slip up, not a relapse.