Had enough

Sorry guys but here comes a bit of a rant: I've had enough of it, seriously that's it. All porn has done is screw me up, mentally and physically since i was in my early teens (now 49!). I've wasted god knows how much money, energy (both physical, mental and emotional) and time on porn and porn related \ inspired items (web site subscriptions, phone sex bills, web cam bills, escorts, strippers, you name it!) that i dont recognise the person ive become. I look in the mirror and think 'is this who ive turned out to be?', 'is this who that 10 year old kid imagined i would become in the 21st century?'

There's been multiple times I've tried quitting, (the longest being 45 days) but something always seems to slowly pull me back in. It can be something 'harmless' like watching a youtube video or seeing a sexy dress in a shop window and before i know it im binging on pornhub, redtube and escalating into calling up escorts to act out what I've watched.

I'm also sick of the hypocrisy over it. All these actresses who proclaim it empowers and enables them to call the shots are just deluding themselves. I'm sorry but if you need to let yourself get bangbanged by half a dozen strangers in all orifices to feel empowered then there is something seriously wrong with you. If you want to feel empowered go on a climate change protest, pick up litter or hike up a mountain, you'll feel a damn sight better for it. Also have you ever noticed how the male actors usually wind up broken, lonely shadows of themselves?

This stuff is worse than crack and I encountered it at a very young age, long before the internet came along. Thanks to a vhs tape left lying around the house my first encounter with sex was not 'the talk' with my dad but a copy of 'Debbie does Dallas' he forgot to put away the night before. So for a long time that's what I thought sex was, hot girls easily up for sex in all manner of scenarios with whoever took an interest with them. It's worse now with kids as young as i was running around with smartphones. You can put all the blocking apps on them you like but theres easy ways to get around that. The largest porn site on line? Its not PornHub. Drumroll please...... It's Twitter!

 

this is what 11 days now? im getting cranky, annoyed and starting to easily loose my temper over things that usually wouldn't bother me. my enthusiasm for my job is waning and its hard to work up the motivation to exercise.....

 

Its reassuring that others are getting some assistance from what im putting on here. Im not sire how far in im at now but i have noticed some changes in my behavior. First thing is my mood, im getting more easily ticked off at things which is proving a problem to keep a lid on, i dont want to go taking my frustrations out on others. Secondly, I've had a bad cold the past few days and had to take some time off work (was actually told by my boss, 'stay home! dont infect your colleagues!') so was sat in bed for 3 days with nothing to but read self help books and watch netflix on my laptop. Now at one point my SO was out for the day leaving me alone. Usually I would have been on Pornhub bashing one out to try and find some relief from the pounding headache that had kept me awake since 2am. Whats interesting is the thought didnt even occur to me. Not once did I get tempted to start browsing!

 

Ok it’s what 18 days and I’ve got the worst headache! My coordination is off yet I’m strangely energetic??? My dreams are starting to play out as x-rated porn shows that leave me gob smacked when I wake up. I’m starting to have odd conversations in my head about whose a better porn star?! Mia Khalifa vs Sasha Grey, Nina Hartley vs 70’s Seka!!!! This is getting very bizarre?!

 

Strewth now I’m going bonkers!!! Fortunately it seems to work because every time I hear a ‘voice’ saying ‘watch porn’ there’s a bigger one that shouts it down

 

It’s been nearly three weeks now and I feel like crap. Body feels tired more than usual, heads pounding and having a cold on top doesn’t help. This reminds me of when I quit smoking 29 years ago, that was really rough 4 months of flu like symptoms. However I developed a mental trick to get through it. Whenever I had a strong craving I’d turn it into anger a feed it back on itself, making myself mad that it had done this to me. True I became insufferable to be around but after 4 months I was ok!

 

another little trick i learned when quitting cigarettes was every time i got a craving i would tell myself, 'if i give in now, this is a day i will have to redo'. That got my through the tough times quite nicely.

 

i think my PMO clock tracker is bust as its been saying 24 days WP for a few days now. Good news is I hit 30 days today! YAY!
Still feel like shit but slowly improving. I've pinned this down to a 'flu-lie' virus thats had me coughing up green crap stronger than superglue. It's sweeping my office and right now it sounds like half my colleagues are about to cough up a lung.

Anyway, I havent had any serious cravings yet, a few slight wobbles but I've slapped myself down.

 

ugh, things were rough over the weekend, a wedding on saturday and a birthday party (not mine) on sunday really took it out of me. try to be sociable and chatty whilst your heads a sack of mad squirrels, your stomachs really starting to regret that cheese sandwich you ate and all you want to do is curl into a ball and sleep. i have had moments of clarity and enlightenment, so if they are an indicator of what lies ahead then good times are down the road. for now though its a rocky road and bad insomnia!