Had to Cut a Girl off who was trying to Friendzone Me. Very Hard Decision

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by BlueBalls, Apr 20, 2019.

  1. FirstStepSecondStep

    FirstStepSecondStep Fapstronaut

    Hey, i read the OP, i think the matter is similar to a game of chess. In chess, it's usually good to keep as many pieces on the board unless you see/know you have a clear/definite advantage with all the pieces removed.

    In other words, the more "stuff" thats going on the more stressful things get. When things get stressful that's when people make mistakes. It's the better player that is able to navigate through the stressful stuff to get to a win/advantage without making mistakes.

    So, here, I think this girl didn't know what she wanted yet. You weren't doing everything for her. she liked you but she didn't know if you were THE ONE. Girls can be weird like that. There are a lot of factors that can be involved here so IDK what's up here. but I mean you did say you just had sex. So like did SHE orgasm? I mean, like whenever I sleep with a girl, they're usually head-over-heels for me for the next month. Theres something about the investment of sex for women that make them push forward hard after something like that.

    I mention this because if she's not giving you attention like that maybe the sex wasn't as amazing as it could be. Or maybe something else like that, getting butt-hurt isn't going to get her (or a girl like her). But making yourself the best person you can be might.

    Either way, the Half-in/Half-out approach is stressful for you. If you dont feel comfortable with the stress and uncertainty then you should have just ended it like you did
    Last edited: May 15, 2019
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  2. selfimprovement8008

    selfimprovement8008 Fapstronaut

    Okay so to quote her last line

    She responded, "lets draw a line then, I'm just exhausted trying to figure myself out to be honest. I don't want to mess you around and even if we did start again. I think I've already done the damage. You really are awesome and I really am sorry and do hope you find someone x."

    She and other girls like her use people and then they are sorry knowing they will be looked over for their faults
    and at the same time she said that she hopes you find someone else. That is the cue that she thinks of you as a friend and she is trying to figure herself out ( say that this piece is still honest, means she wont be in a good relationship anyways ) all in all move on is the heartbreaking advice I (as someone who has never had a gf but has few serious crushes can give you )
    BlueBalls likes this.

  3. You did the right thing my friend, value yourself first.
    BlueBalls likes this.
  4. Awesomej

    Awesomej Fapstronaut

    Exactly what I feel that might help my current relationship now.

    Man leads the directions. Either do it well or face the pressure and do it well again.
  5. InnerFaith

    InnerFaith Fapstronaut

    you did the right thing, she got caught up in her own games.. you're the man, dont waste time on being just a friend, you have your needs first, you do what you do for you first.
  6. determinedtosucceed

    determinedtosucceed Fapstronaut

    You definitely did the right thing. Don't even think of her again

  7. The Dave

    The Dave Fapstronaut

    Just remember. "Men be playing chequers, women be playing chess!"

    Her apologising just means youve worked her little game out and the last sentence is her way of trying to make herself feel better, not you.

    Youre worth better than this man. You dodged a bullet. You dine well.

    Keep strong young fella!
  8. InnerFaith

    InnerFaith Fapstronaut

    also, nothing objectivley wrong with her playing games, but it shows you something, that its all a game, you should take the lead and be player number one in your upcoming games
  9. RequestDenied

    RequestDenied Fapstronaut

    My $.02 based on turning a ton of these situations around.

    1. She didn't reach out NOT b/c she wanted to make amends and friend-zone you up. She reached out because you gave her radio silence (no communication). This sub-communicated that you were indifferent to her ...which drives chicks nuts. Women live for attention so once you withheld your attention, it started boiling her emotional brain...

    "he always contacts me...but hasn't been contacting me...I wonder what he's up to." Even worse, it might have even crossed her mind that you were fucking someone else. Her reaching out is her very primitive crocodile brain's way of making sure that she's still desirable. Validation matters to her. A LOT. .

    2. I'm not trying to be a prick here, but I admittedly have some experience in this department and I ask you deeply consider the following with a deep breathe. Your final text was a bit over the top:

    The sheer volume of words sub-communicated a deep attachment and over-investment in the situation. In other words - clingy - the opposite of indifference.

    In the future, instead of trying to negotiate with her ("hey we need to have a talk about us and the nature of us etc etc") just be happy-go-lucky, indifferent, and less reactive to her girly shenanigans. She wants to fuck a grounded father figure (weird I know), not a reactive boy. So just act like everything's cool and keep it light and flirty.

    Always more fish in the sea and all that. Thanks for sharing and best of luck :)
  10. captainteemo

    captainteemo Fapstronaut

    I agree with you.
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  11. BlueBalls

    BlueBalls Fapstronaut

    Hey thanks, I appreciate the alternative viewpoint and I did considered it from this perspective for a long time. I think you are probably right, in retrospect she might not have been trying to friendzone me - this was my assumption, and ultimately the cause of my regret and subsequent grief from breaking it off completely - but like you said, me not giving her the attention she had grown accustomed to, caused her to think about me more and raise her attraction level.

    On the plus side we kind of made ammends and met up last week for the first time in 3 months on her suggestion, and spent the afternoon together at the Park. I have since resolved not to become emotionally attached to this girl because of her cold, indifferent nature but I do want her a s fuck buddy. This girl never grew up with a father figure so she has the associated "issues" that follow and kind of disqualify her as relationship material. In the meantime, I have been keeping busy, meeting other women and even have 1 or 2 dates planned in the near future.

    Since you seem to be genuinely experienced in this area I'm inclined to ask you - since we last met, the date went well. I kept things light and playful, it ending with me giving her a little twirl then a kiss on the lips. She was like, "It was nice to see you again - I'll message you"
    It's only been a week but she hasn't reached out just yet. I don't wan't things to go too cold and but like to invite her over to mine for dinner next time I see her. What would you advise?
    RequestDenied likes this.
  12. Limiting beliefs portrayed by entertainment media: You do this or that "wrong" and then subsequently "end" up in the friendzone and essentially doomed yourself.

    In reality interpersonal relationships are always in motion and "friendzone" is just an ephemeral state as any other relationship status (including "happily married zone"). And while having a history with a person might make some things harder (and other things easier at the same time), things can still change over night - to the good or to the bad side.

    I currently experience the friendzone from the other side: I put an infatuated girl into it, not because I see her in a platonic way (far from it, I'm head over heels too), but because neither she nor I am ready to start getting serious. Of course, I didn't explicitly declare the friendzone hurting her, I just behave accordingly.

    Things might get sorted out or not, but pretending that this state is the end of line doesn't help. So keep an open mind and always evaluate your options.
    BlueBalls likes this.
  13. RequestDenied

    RequestDenied Fapstronaut

    Cool. Sounds like the ball is now in your court which is good. Here's the deal:

    Even though she reached out in the past (mainly because she needed attention/validation) and wanted to double check that she was still desirable.....
    ... post-park date, the ball is now in your court - even though she said she'd call.

    Generally speaking, women tend to NOT initiate any part of the courtship ritual, except under rare circumstances. For example, I'm willing to bet an indian nickel even though she hit you up for attention... you were the one who had to orchestrate the date at the park...initiate the kiss...and so on and so forth.

    So it's still on you to make a move on her even though she said she'd get back to you.

    Now, for the date stuff. Without having all the deets, it's hard to know how much this chick is really into you - so I'll say this:

    Dinner dates in general are bad ideas. That's because they put you in a "provider" frame ("he pays / does favors just to have the privilege to pay attention to me"). Dinner is cool if you've already slept with this girl many times and have already established a FWB set-up - just not when you're trying to set up a FWB situation.

    So, what date should you push for?

    I'm guessing you're under 21 because of the park thing, otherwise I'd suggest to go to a bar to get drinks. Bars are cool b/c they're casual, you can sit right next to her (unlike a restaurant where you're sitting across from her), and it's a relatively low-investment environment.

    The goal is to get her back to your place, obviously. So you have two options.

    Option 1: If this chick is really into you (sounds like she's on the fence, fwiw), then you could just invite her over to your place for a movie (netflix and chill lol), or to listen to music or something fun. Just not dinner.

    Option 2: If you think she needs a bit more time, I'd push for a 2-step date set-up. Organize something near your place - something fun. Coffee, park, even a music show. It doesn't have to be a long date. Honestly an hour should be sufficient just to set the vibe that you're outcome independent and don't give a fuck if she's into you or not. The general tone of the date should be fun and unattached.

    Then, bounce her to your place. The "reason why" doesn't even have to be great. I honestly bounced a chick back to my place once to "taste the city's finest tap water" (she knew what I was up to. But a reason - any reason - gives her plausible deniability to not make her feel like a person. Mind you, she might want to pound, but just doesn't want to feel cheap about it).

    So if she said she liked a certain type of movie, or music, or boardgame (lol i know), or even youtube videos, those are all a fair reason to get her in your bedroom.

    That's my $.02.

    I had some time to kill in an airport so I hope this helps you out + anyone else reading.

    I remember one time in highschool I dated a girl for 8 months and never hit.

    And once I got hip to a bit of game - I got one girl to come over after a test (early in the AM), she walked in the front door, took her pants off, marched into my bed room and that was that.

    Powerful stuff. Use wisely.

    Good luck and congrats on being receptive to alternative worldviews.

    ps i suck at using the quote feature so you'll have to expand the quote to see my line by line response lol
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2019
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