Half way

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Queenie%Bee, Jul 23, 2019.

  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I know this is a stupid question. Is there even a way to meet half way ? Is there even a half way ? Is a little porn ok if the person insists it’s just a vice now ? Like a once a week vice ? I’m pretty sure I was just completely manipulated in the conversation. I feel guilty ., I feel like I’m the one making the mistake of ending things ? I wish I did not partake in the conversation I just did . I. Am. A. Mess.
     
  2. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    When I decided to go to a therapist I emailed two local therapists who specialised in sex problems like porn addiction. I told them that I was addicted to porn but was over 480 days free. One of them wanted me to adopt a half-way house (as I reported here). In his initial reply he listed a bunch of questions to start thinking about:
    He also suggested a different initial approach:
    These seemed odd suggestions to make to someone already 480+ days free of porn use, and so I chose the other therapist, but it shows that there are some people working with the 'half way' option you suggest.

    (N.B. Just to be clear, I think porn is evil and the 'half way' approach is not something I would suggest.)
     
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  3. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I dont know if this is helpful coming from an SO, but my view is that there is no half way, part way, or even teeny tiny itty bitty way for an addict. It seems he wants his cake and to eat it too and is using your love and guilt for him to hold onto his addiction and keep you at the same time. He's manipulating you and making you doubt yourself. Crazy making. You know where you stand on this. He's trying to make you weak.
     
  4. I think there might be an agreeable half-way...but only for someone who isn't a addict. That is where the whole thing falls apart. For a couple who has different perspectives on P, AND neither of them is an addict, it's possible they could agree on a 'half-way.' But, when there's an addict involved, I don't think it's possible because the PA will be negotiating with the addict side while trying to convince you they're not. Even if they start out sticking to the agreement, it won't last. That's why they are an addict in the first place...because they can't maintain control over the behavior.

    Please try not to feel guilty. As you've said yourself, you are not the one who's spent years lying and deceiving. He's trying to make you feel at fault for things ending because he's trying to manipulate you the same way he always has. He's clearly still in the addict mindframe. From what you've said in your journal, he hasn't done anything except show you that he's protecting and feeding his addiction. You're smart and beautiful and caring and deserve to have a life without constant heartache. He's trying to still have his cake and eat it, too, like he always has. Stay strong.
     
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  5. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I agree with everything @hope4healing and @EyesWideOpen have said, but I would not want to forget the less personal, the political angle. Porn is wrong for society and part of tackling that wrong is for individual men like us to stop using it.
     
  6. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

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    Once, a number of years ago, a person close to me suggested I start quitting by going "halfway" as you say. That partially helped, but I could never get past the halfway and eventually I spiraled back to fullway. It's still an option for some, but only if well-regulated and making sure that the PA eventually quits completely.
    However, I don't believe it would ever be okay if a person would stick to PMO forever, without eventually quitting completely, regardless how much that person does it.
     
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  7. I meant to add this to my previous post...

    Don't forget that the "person insisting" it's just a once-a-week vice is the same addict who bought another laptop and spent the entire time alone with it when he should've been with his family on vacation.
     
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  8. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Of course there is a half way option. But I would never ever be a part of an agreement like that and I don't believe it works even 0,001 percent. I rather be single, die alone and get eaten by my nine cats than agree to that (and I'm a dog person!).

    Porn has smashed my life and relationship to pieces. I've been mentally and physically abused because of this little hobby; I'm never gonna let it take another part of what's left of me, and I don't feel sorry at all for not compromising. If they (the PAs) wanted compromises, they could have been honest from the very beginning, but they weren't, so that train has left the station.

    Would he let me look a little bit on other men's junk? M a little to that just to cheer me up? I don't think so. I live a fulfilled life without porn and I'm an extremely sexual (and visual!) person, so why can't the man in my life adopt the same principles?

    You are being manipulated in this conversation. It's not like you've denied him anything that should be included in a loving relationship. He asks for your little finger but he will take your whole arm, make sure of it.
     
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  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I was up all night mind racing and sobbing like a baby . I think my brain / heart is trying to talk me into something it doesn’t want so my life can be “ easy “ . I don’t lose my house . I keep my health insurance, My kids aren’t abandoned . I think everything is based on the fear of the unknown . I think if we met in the middle / halfway , I would be “ halfway” in the relationship. I wouldn’t give him my heart fully . But I know myself. It would only be a matter of time before I would start to wonder /care what he’s doing . I would seek things out elsewhere. Not that I’ve ever done that before . It’s like if I know he’s PMO , I don’t even have to wonder anymore . The funny / ironic part is he’s already placed himself home w friends . “ they still go to the British club , I’ll have something to do “ He has no one here . I dunno I’m all over the place . Another option is to play fake with him while building a nest egg . Finish the house . And then when the time comes I’ll be so detached from him it won’t MATTER when he or I leaves . Ugg FML , F my heart and brain . I must sound like a complete effing idiot given all that has transpired .
     
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Look at it like he's an alcoholic. Would you believe an alcoholic when he says he isn't really one? That it's just a vice? Would you be okay with that alcoholic drinking occasionally, knowing how it changes his personality, how it pulls him in, how he loses control and escalates?

    And the thing is...if it's just a vice, why won't he give it up? Why is he trying so hard to hang onto it? If it's just a vice and he loves you the way a husband should love his wife, letting it go should be mo problem. Finding a new, less harmful "vice" should be no problem. If it's just a vice, why is he going to such lengths to protect it and hurt you?

    You know the truth. I am so sorry that you are going through this and how painful it is. Stick to your guns mama. We are here with you.
     
  11. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Look at it like he's an alcoholic. Would you believe an alcoholic when he says he isn't really one? That it's just a vice? Would you be okay with that alcoholic drinking occasionally, knowing how it changes his personality, how it pulls him in, how he loses control and escalates?

    His response to that ( I’ve brought it up before ) my brother after 4 years sober has drinks on vacation and that’s it . Has control over himself .

    It’s like everything I say has a rationalization from him .

    I know I have support I do . I do know the truth . It’s just the stupid girly human that is in love with him that is starting to feel differently. I’m not thinking rational I know this . Is it because he said he’d move away that triggered it ? I thought maybe he’d stay at a nearby long stay hotel and see clarity . That’s not going to happen.
     
  12. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Another difference is that alcohol is not morally wrong, porn is.
     
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  13. Dat95

    Dat95 Fapstronaut

    Thank you and all of the SOs here for sharing your stories, truly touching and enlightening to us addicts! Never could we imagine how much pain and suffering this addicition has brought upon our love ones!
    Everytime I read stories like this, it further strengthen my resolve to beat PMO once and for all! Please stay strong and positive!
    History is usually the best indicator for the future. To be using something you were/are addicted to and not spiral out of control, it takes a SERIOUS amount of self-discipline, which takes months, years to develop! Ask your brother how he got sobered. Occasional drinks now and then???
     
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  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    THIS : he keeps saying it’s a vice . Well now is the definition any better than addiction lol ???

    vice1
    /vīs/
    noun
    1. immoral or wicked behavior.
      synonyms: immorality, wrongdoing, wrong, wickedness, badness, evil-doing, evil, iniquity, villainy, venality, impurity, corruption, corruptness, misconduct; More
      • criminal activities involving prostitution, pornography, or drugs.
        synonyms: immorality, wrongdoing, wrong, wickedness, badness, evil-doing, evil, iniquity, villainy, venality, impurity, corruption, corruptness, misconduct;More
      • an immoral or wicked personal characteristic.
        plural noun: vices


        ad·dic·tion
        /əˈdikSH(ə)n/
        Learn to pronounce
        noun
        1. the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.
          "he committed the theft to finance his drug addiction"
          synonyms: dependency, dependence, craving, habit, weakness, compulsion, fixation, enslavement; More


        @kropo82 that is simple yet perfectly put
     
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  15. I can only speak for myself. The only correct amount of P, P-subs, M, or sexual ideation is zero (except for in the physical presence of one's SO). That is my rule for myself, and it is the only thing that has allowed me to stay free. Perhaps this is not the case for everyone. Perhaps even long-term "former" addicts can reach a point where some P does not send them back into a full binge. but why take that chance?

    Also, as has been stated above to good effect, P is a plague on society. It dehumanizes all who are associated with it and turns a private, intimate moment between two human beings into a merely mechanical affair of a confluence of body parts.

    I have quit PMO because it was destroying me, The battle has been fierce and long, and, having had some measure of freedom from it, I would not go lightly back into the thick of it again. But, even if I could view P again without it sending me into a relapse, I will choose not to do so because of its wider harm on society and all people involved with it.

    IMO, the only correct amount of P is zero.
     
  16. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    If my choices brings my partner sleepless nights, tears or feelings of being unloved or unwanted, and I keep doing it, it's not a vice, it's abuse.

    He knows it, you know it, anyone here knows it.
     
  17. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Negotiation indicates the person sees the issue as a transactional matter, which frankly is kind of a disgusting idea to me in the context of any kind of intimate relationship. Business is a transactional matter, many will agree family and romantic partnership are not. But it is not surprising that anyone would use that rationalization because if we look around it is a socially accepted norm.

    There's a reason why people in recovery say they "have" an addict, it affects ones very identity. What the individual does not realize is their own identity is so blurred they have essentially sold out to it. IMO some things are not for sale, but that is precisely what the addict is - a sellout.
     
  18. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Alcohol is hard drugs. It is just as wrong or right as anything els, just socially/morally accepted by the majority.

    @Queenie%Bee
    This is about what you want.
    Is that negotiable?
    There lies your answer. No discussion possible.
     
  19. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Nailed it.
     
  20. TheNewDrew42

    TheNewDrew42 Fapstronaut

    When it comes to this addiction, as hard as it might be for him to hear, he no longer has a say in the matter. It’s on your terms, and if your terms are zero P, then that’s where it is and he must take it or leave it. He lost his spot at the negotiating table, in my view.
     

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