Half way

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Queenie%Bee, Jul 23, 2019.

  1. 100%. I just started listening to this podcast, and the first episode they attempt to define 'addiction'. Some quotes:

    "Addiction's best friend is denial"
    Definition of addiction by SO: "You're doing something that is negatively affecting your life and those around you"

    It doesn't really matter what we call it; the point is it's hurting you and your relationship. Porn is just the tip of the iceberg. How is he treating you otherwise? How is he contributing to the relationship? Is he building intimacy positively, or is he passive about it?
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  2. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    If someone is far enough along, a little porn that is part of "game of thrones" or something (never watched, but I read there were sex scenes) might be ok to not actively avoid.

    That, and maybe with a partner at their suggestion, might be ok. Nothing else would come close to ok.

    Those are both the equal to: it might be ok to have a drink socially on occasion (actually, closer to drinking for the odd wedding toast) for a recovered alcoholic. Most recovered alcoholics would not agree with that, but it might be ok for some.

    However, if the "little bit" is PMO alone, that's more like asking the question is it ok to drink until drunk (O) by myself?

    Hell no.
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2019
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  3. Heartbreaking reading through this. In dealing with an addict please note :

    You cannot :

    1. “Help him see any truth” —to steal j.d Salinger’s theme—this is a self-discovery journey; men need “cave time” .
    2. “Negotiate with an emotional terrorist.” He’s leveraging your fear of loss against you. No negotiating this.
    3. “Assume he wants help; he has to determine that for himself. See point #1. No problem = no need for a solution.”

    Your game plan would be best focusing on boundaries for you and kids. The separation will help him.

    It will help because addicts need boundaries. I don’t mean a shouting battle... but rather a quiet, determined restructuring of your time, your priorities, your focus, pretend you are dealing with a mildly handicapped 8 year old.

    You can write him a short note; leave the ideas simple , emotionless, be as flat as possible. Close the door to your emotional bleeding. Try your best to keep it closed— avoid going back to rehashing all the underlying issues each incident or conflict ... that undoes your position of strength.

    He has accepted his parasite or addiction as part of himself—the host.
    He needs a laboratory of solitude.

    I would suggest a new exercise or daily walking routine; to help with the stress. If normally you take care ithe kids, then when he arrives direct him that you are taking a daily walk from 6-7. You can do this. Be deliberate. One step at a time. Keep posting too.
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2019
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  4. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    How long has your PA been sober, clean from pmo? Just curious about that. For me it would be a definite no no. It can't ever happen again and it won't and I NEVER want to go back to using p. I think you know deep down inside and you are getting a lot of support and some great advice here.
  5. It breaks my husbands heart sometimes to know that he’ll always have to keep in mind that he’s an addict, and sometimes he says that he’d give anything not to be “broken” and to just be normal. And sometimes I feel so guilty, and especially on his good days I just want to forget that he’s got an addiction and act like it never happened, but that When old behaviours can creep back in, and in the end he just relapsed because I just wanted him not to feel like an addict.

    @hope4healing is absolutely right. You have to compassionately but firmly remember that this is an addiction.

    Absolutely solid advice. Sex addiction is so invisible, it’s so easy to forget it does the same (if not more) damage than any chemical addiction.

    @Lilla_My’s words here just capture it perfectly. If you feel upset, destabilised or that you are going crazy, you are most probably being manipulated.
  6. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I don’t really see that much difference between a vice and an addiction really and the definitions you posted confirm that.

    With the argument he puts forth about your bro-in-law being able to drink occasionally there’s also the fact that it’s usually pretty obvious when someone’s abusing alcohol but it’s not so obvious with porn is it, it’s not something that you could easily gauge in the future other than believing what he has to say and he’s already proven how easy it is to lie about it.

    Also, what about the fact that at one point it escalated to looking up escorts, how could you ever ensure it wouldn’t go there again? And if I’m remembering right, didn’t he also blow a heap of money? I could be wrong but I thought I vaguely remember that. If so, those are things that you’d always be worried about if he’s porn use got out hand again, and how could you really know if it was, given its such a secret “hidden” addiction.

    Another thing I keep thinking is we all know what porn does to intimacy and connection, they emotionally withdraw, distance themselves, numb their feelings out with dopamine, and on a deeper level they often feel shame, depression, low energy etc all of which is mentally unwell and if he’s already experiencing any of these things now why would any of this get better?

    I can totally understand how scared you must be feeling, heartbroken and everything feeling so out of control right now. Your world is spinning and being torn apart. I remember being in this exact same position and so lost and confused but I wouldn’t rush into any hasty decisions and fold for him. Like someone else said earlier, I don’t think anyone would go to such extremes as he is by leaving you and his children over a so called minor vice. That’s absolutely absurd.

    He’s pulling at your heart-strings and thrown you a curve ball in saying he’s moving so far away. Do you think there’s any possibility that if he leaves he may come to his senses in a month or two (hit rock bottom) and realise what he’s lost and what he’s done, then perhaps be willing to go into genuine recovery and work it properly? The time apart could maybe give you both a better perspective on it all.

    It’s such a difficult difficult place for you to be in and I wish you much strength, trust and belief in yourself. I wouldn’t rush into any decisions, take your time and try and get as clear headed as you can before you decide anything...

    Thinking of you and sending big *cyber hugs* your way.... ♥️
  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    I agree , decide what is important to you and for you. Put your needs first and foremost. The addict doesn’t know right from left at this point. Emotional manipulation is a common practice when faced with loosing everything. “If you do this I will do that .” And of course it’s something you see as totally damaging so you step in to rescue or fix the situation. Well I tend to do that.

    I’ve decided that I’m stepping back, and focusing on deciding what’s important for me , my wants, needs and desires. I can’t change him, or fix him, all I can do is love him. Sometimes that’s in the home...but often times with addicts you have to love from a distance.

    Also...if the PA decided to leave, and move away, who is to say that’s a bad thing. He my hit rock bottom sooner rather than later. Regardless though you can’t control or fix him.

    Your life with him gone may open up in ways you never dreamed possible. You will get to know you, you will develop a sense of accomplishment, you will meet new people, new activities without the hyper vigilance that comes with living with an unrecovering addict.

    Life is so full of changes and challenges, but if HE brought it to you..HE will lead you through it. Have faith, trust yourself and know that everything works for the greater good.

    Thinking positive thoughts for you
  8. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    I see a very different life without him .
    My gf asked me yesterday “ if you had a FT job and your house was almost paid off would you even consider staying in this marriage “

    I’m sure you already know my answer .
    I understand this addiction probably TOO much to actually emotionally stay with him . Of course I miss my husband. I’m not looking for the husband I had . He’s not there . So this time is different in the way of I don’t have hope . Like I’m not saying I’ll give it one more year to see the changes . I’m not going to see the changes . I already know that . So therefore my internal battle is CAN I STAY ONE MORE YEAR FOR MYSELF TO GET ON MY FEET . Not stay as his “ wife “ but house partner . He hasn’t earned the right to even hear my thoughts of future . I did send him an email because he did say he wanted to hear my thoughts about my emergency therapy appt yesterday how confused I was. I think he wants to hear them because maybe he thinks my therapist said it’s ok once in awhile lol
    I told him I don’t want an email back . That I want to have a rational conversation in person . At the end of it I wrote That if he doesn’t want to discuss the parts of the email about addiction or rationalization that’s ok and we can discuss how and when the actual end of this relationship happens . I think he thinks I’m going to be “ok” with it lol I am in no way shape or form ok with any of it . I’m just not going to care . The email will probably piss him off and I don’t care , IM PISSED OFF lol . It started with “ Im going to leave nothin unsaid because it’s not fair to myself to hold back anything im thinking or feeling at this point , I have nothing to lose “
    I’m going to lean more into doing me so that when it does end , it doesn’t change my life . It’s sad and tragic . A beautiful disaster . ♥️
  9. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Hey I hear ya loud and clear...and I bet the other SOs do too. I happened to meet a woman today, who started talking with me...soon she just broke down sobbing . Turns out her boyfriend of three years is an addict.
    It is one of most tragic situations/addictions.

    My heart is with you...prayers too
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