Hanging by a thread 3

I check this site almost everyday to help reconcile my own issues im faced with pertaining to this unfortunate situation. I posted my story a few weeks ago called porn ruined my life no shocker there lol, and Im still struggling with being comfortable living in my own skin, i still let the dirty perverted things i did in the past effect my mood and how i feel about myself overall. Just battling shame and guilt constantly right now. Sometimes those thoughts dont pop in when im being consistent with good things and working or doing something righteously and i can go about my day or night, but when they show up, and its frequent, its not a good feeling. Its like i still cant believe i went and saw a ts escort is whats killing me the most. And i knew how bad my addiction to pmo was and i still let it get the best of me fuck man. If theres any moment i wish i can take back itd be that moment when i was in my car and my heart and soul was telling me dont do this but the damn chemical imbalance in my brain pushed me to it anyway. I needed to “release.” Smh. The whole time I knew it was wrong, and I knew I’d regret it! To anyone reading this struggling with pmo, take it from me. I thought I had it figured out, i knew all the ins and outs of the habit and how it was effecting different parts of my life, yet it still helped force me into doing something i never thought in a million years id do. Then again , im no stranger to strange, reluctant, not really at all wanting to do a sexual act being molested as a young boy and being introduced to this sickness and what not but, it is what it is. Porn made it much worse than if i was just molested. Being exposed to porn on the web makes for a bad combination if you were abused as a kid. And in general even if you werent molested, its still molesting your mind if your a young kid looking at the shit we see on there. Fuck pornography and its billions of corporate dollars it generates and is pushed out and marketed by to make kids addicts to it. But im tryna continue moving forward thank you to whoever read i really appreciate it ❤️

 

Appreciate your words man thank you im gonna try my best im not gonna give up and let myself be miserable the rest of my life. In due time maybe itll all get better.

 

And you know what man, at one point all i wanted was for revenge or vengeance to be shed upon them if you will and i still do its just not as prevalent a thought as before. Now i wonder if holding on to that is more of a detriment than not.

 

I should be talking to someone i met on here this week that is sorta like that i guess an accountability partner? So yeah im taking steps toward that surprisingly. Its hard to go through this alone. Thank you for your words

 

Its a sickness that i will get rid of permanently. I turn 20 in a couple days and I’m making a promise to myself not to let myself or my family down again by feeding that “demon.” Its taken away a huge chunk of my childhood already and Im gonna take back control of whats mine. I recently because of all this nonsense and how it effected me, threw away a potentially good and healthy relationship with a really sweet kind and pretty girl who was really into me. I wont let that happen again. I wont let what this thing is impact and effect my personal life and what surrounds me anymore. The only thing keeping me sane about the whole ts thing that happened with me not to long ago is Richard Pryor and the stories with him lol. I gotta keep reminding myself theres much worse that could’ve been done and that does happen to people all over the world, unfortunately, and so i gotta find a way to be grateful amidst all this turmoil. Gotta learn to let go of the past and not have it define me so damn much. I know its simple and I understand why that needs to happen and be that way but jesus i still give the past to much power. I know it must be because im not far away removed from those sick experiences. The amount of time and money i spent on pmo and recent money on a handful of escorts was the bulk of my time the last 4-6 years or so. So of course i still feel like shit today. I need to readjust and redefine myself. I need to change course and walk on a different path of righteousness towards peace and enlightenment. Thats the only way i can negate the mistakes ive made in the past by taking actions that are of value and of meaning instead of the perverted acts that have hacked its way into my decoding process since i was just a young kid. Its all uphill from here.

 

I appreciate your words very much sir thank you for that Also you being 50 im sure you can clearly see the advancements porn has gotten since 20-30 years ago and how now kids basically are set up from the start to get this depleting habit. Its not natural. I understand completely what your saying and im done with it, the only reason i go back up to this point is only because of the chemical imbalance, the “need” to do it. As of late i havent even enjoyed the moments im in it cuz i just feel stupid and guilty the whole time then after obviously, worse. Again thanks man reading the replys on here really helps, yours did. Your a badass and a GREAT person and keep rocking on! Best spirits on all your pursuits.