Hard mode vs nofap in a relationship

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Craine86, Nov 20, 2021.

  1. Craine86

    Craine86 New Fapstronaut

    I'm new to this nofap thing. I've been in a relationship going on 3 years where PMO had created issues with the sex life of my partner and potentially other aspects of my life including procrastination and not taking action in a business I started earlier this spring. I also had developed a cuckold fantasy as well as shown interest in non monogamy since past relationships always ended the same way with either me cheating or my partner cheating. I lost faith in monogamy and with that also found being a cuckold as possibly a defense mechanism for being cheated on in the future.

    A little over a month ago my gf became aware of nofap and after some digging I decided to join the club. And truth is the PM part has been extremely easy. And the whole sexual transmutation thing I believe is working because I'm way more motivated in my general life.

    However, the whole reason for this adventure is because her sex drive wasn't getting satisfied by my habits. So that did the trick. But now as I still struggle with non monogamy I want to attempt hard mode and have no O either so that I could reboot my brain and stop seeing other women in sexual desire and see them for the person they are. But she is not a fan of no sex and I can't do it without O. Everywhere I look the goal is always don't go back to porn and I have 100% confidence I'm done with that PM chapter of my life. We went 8 days without before making out and justifications started flowing, so the O thing is still a huge question mark. What to do, what to do.

    I don't really even know what my question is I'm just lost and don't know where to go from here
  2. dicktracey

    dicktracey Fapstronaut

    Hi Craine, fascinating story. You made me wonder if cuckold is a defense mechanism for me. It very well could be. I also think it's exciting seeing a robust woman with unmet desires get her fill.
    I don't think you should give up sex. I remember listening to a podcast, I think Dave Asprey, John Gray, or Mantak Chia. It said that sex makes you smarter and gives you all kinds of benefits, have as much sex as possible, also to orgasm as much as possible. However, they say too much ejaculation is a problem. Mantak Chia on London Reel gave suggestions to control ejaculation, such as stop at 70 percent, use your tongue, massage, prostate exercises, etc.
    I think you are in a good place as long as you are not doing the PM. Also, cheating is no fun, but perhaps you can try letting go of the attachment you have with it. Don't worry about things out of your control.
  3. I_Am_Strong_54

    I_Am_Strong_54 Fapstronaut

    Just my opinion, give up the porn and have as much sex with your girlfriend as you want.
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  4. Wugazi32

    Wugazi32 Fapstronaut

    I'm in the same boat, except I still have the higher sex drive than my wife. Unless you have severe PIED, I would say just go for it - have as much sex as you like, enjoy it and stay away from p0rn!
  5. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

    Let me get this straight. You're under the assumption that if you attempt a hard mode and have no O, that it will reboot your brain and stop seeing other women as a sex object, but as a person? I can't wait to see how this works out.

    What to do. What to do? Try having sex with her and forget about all this other nonsense and let the problem sort itself out. The only thing the hard mode is going to accomplish is to stabilize the hormone imbalances you've created in your brain. Besides your objective is to get to a functionally normal sex life is it not? Then define what a normal sex life is and just do it. That's what you need to shoot for.

    Incidentally you don't have have an orgasm to have sex. We've been doing it since the beginning of time.
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  6. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    As long as you quit porn you will recover over time. The reason rebooting is very popular and successful is that it kind of gives you a headstart on the process. It allows the neural networks wired to porn to die off much faster since you don't get stimulated for so long. You start having better sex and intimacy much sooner than just quitting porn and continuing to have sex. You also may be very anti-porn right now, but if there's any difficulties down the line and you haven't rebooted, the neurons wired to porn will still be pretty fresh and you'll likely relapse.

    It's probably best to reboot, but you do have to talk with your gf about it since it does impact you both. Remind her that you can still eat her out, make her cum, and finger her all the time, she just can't do anything to you. Make sure she knows it's for your sexual health, not because you don't like her, and that doing it will make your sex life better for both of you.

    Read these articles yourself and show them to her so you both know what's going on. YBOP is a much better place for getting rebooting info than NoFap.

    Porn FAQs

    Start here for an overview of key concepts

    see rebooting basics page

    Do I have to have sex in order to rewire?

    Relationships and Porn

    Rebooting with a partner: What about sex?

    What do I say to my mate?

    Porn-induced ED: What do I tell my girlfriend?

    What if my partner is a porn addict?
  7. Craine86

    Craine86 New Fapstronaut

    For some reason I don't believe porn is the issue. It was a little too easy to quit. The issue i had while using it was only that I didn't have interest in my girl if I used it recently. But now that I've quit that interest has come back. I haven't looked at women on my phone for almost 2 months, whether they're nude or on fb. But it's the girls I see out in public that give me a hard time. I'm hoping someone who has done hard mode might give me some insight into this.
  8. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    You may not have a porn addiction or dependency, but it definitely takes up some of your sexual attention, so it follows that you see women irl as more attractive and interesting.

    I'm not anti-porn, I just think it's akin to junk food, drugs, and other "meh" substances. I also think that the way people's bodies intake those things is gonna be different. Whereas other people may need to stay up from sugar and high calorie foods, my genetics and activity level allows my body to burn those calories and keep my body fat level low no matter what. Similarly, while you may be able to watch porn without feeling much, porn is extremely stimulating for me, causes lots of adverse affects, and hard to quit.
  9. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    My husband had/has the same problem around other women. What we had discovered in him, an underlying issue, was how he felt abandoned as a child. Once he turned to porn, it gave him a sense of "power" over these women by being able to sexualize them when he saw them.
    Anxiety was wired with the addiction. Whenever he sees women in public it induces a sense of anxiety because of the fear of abandonment along with him being rejected by women during his teen/young adult years. The sexualization was a perceived sense of control over this fear and anxiety.

    I'm not saying that is the same with you, but it could be related to what you mentioned in your first post about it being a defense mechanism.

    Addiction is generally a symptom of deeper things. It would be beneficial to look further inward to work on these so it doesn't continue through life. Best of luck to you!
  10. SergioCon

    SergioCon Fapstronaut

    @Craine86 you can try karezza - its a slow mode of intercourse without O,
    can't advise it from experience though, as i'd rather say either have full on sex,
    or full on hardmode - i just think things in between don't really cut it fully...
    but to each their own...
    as to karezza you can look out for books, also you can check out Captain Sindbad channel on youtube
    as to hardmode you need to adapt some extra disciplines, it doesn't happens on its own,
    you can check out: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/its-not-over-until-i-win-journal.320579/
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  11. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

    Karezza is edging. Edging is bad for someone who is trying to recover PMO. It is great for her sex life but not so good for your sobriety. I'm sure there are differing opinions on the matter. I'm talking about from an overall brain healing perspective. I wouldn't even make hat a considerable option.

    She's right thought. She shouldn't have to sacrifice for your addiction shortcomings that she had nothing to do with.
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  12. Rebooter2021

    Rebooter2021 Fapstronaut

    This is lust. Sadly it is normal, but it is also controllable/influenceable and reducable, with help, and choice is involved in it. If you want to achieve 'progressive victory over lust', as they call it, one way is to join Sexaholics Anonymous. Hard mode can make this worse because you are looking for an outlet for lust. It can improve in time as you get used to hard mode, but there is always choice involved, and you can work on it with help.

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