Hard Mode- What should I tell my fiancé?

I'm going through the Conquer Series and they recommend getting to 6 months* (just editing this because originally I said 90 days) of sobriety before you tell your significant other. But this is also assuming you're in a group with weekly/daily checkins.

I would say tell her everything you are going to tell her when you do. Don't trickle confess. Just get it all out on the table so you don't keep traumatizing her, the trickle confessions are much worse because she's going to start asking herself the question "where do the lies end? Am I marrying an addict and a liar? I can never trust him." Tell everything, put everything on the table. Most people recommend doing this with a CSAT, a certified sex addiction therapist.

I think it's like the 12 steps. We create a giant list of our moral failings and tell them, and then after that we keep the account short. Oh, masturbated today, tell her. Oh, looked at porn today, tell her. Don't get a tab going which will make it 10x harder.

I just speak of this from my relationship with my sponsor. I go farther with my sponsor telling him all my thoughts, I don't think you need to tell her your thoughts because it's probably too much for her she doesn't think the way you do I'm guessing. But still, the account needs to stay short. Preferably less than 24 hours old in my experience.

Here's a good example of the questions she should ask you just to give you an idea of how much you should plan to tell: https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2016/07/questions-to-ask.html?m=1

This list is somewhat traumatizing and eye opening to me.

 

Not having sex for 90 days with no explanation is not going to go over well. She's going to figure something out, or you're going to fail at the attempt because you don't want to let your secret out.

Also, the idea that 90 days is going to magically fix you is sort of a myth. it's a great timeframe to shoot for, but it's very short term compared to your entire marriage.

My advice is be honest with her. Tell her what you want to do, why you want to do it. You don't have to confess everything you've ever looked at (but be prepared she may ask) - however having her on your side and being understanding is a night and day difference.

 

Don’t tell her
Be a man suck it up & fix it, you’re about to get married idk your relationship with her but if you feel she might act negatively, she probably will.
Don’t give up sex with her &/or find an excuse to avoid it such as gym or some kind of physical goal aka training for a marathon but actually train for it & do it, all while attempting to heal.
Do avoid the P and M at all costs
From reading on this type of reboot from other users, it takes almost 120 days to heal and 90 days for you to see or tell a difference depending on your addiction of course.

 

Because you said you don’t want to tell her I’d say don’t. The good thing is you’re looking to get better. Although she might feel some kinda way if you keep curbing her and she wants sex. I think you will see results and a better relationship before 90 days or even 30 days. I like that one day at a time vibe. Everyone’s journey is different, and nobody knows where you at in your relationship. Keep working on you and everything will fall into place. You got this! Good luck!!

 

The truth. No marriage survives when it is built on lies.

 

Don't tell her more than she needs to know.

You screwed up, got PIED and couldn't stay hard during sex?
Tell her why that happened, tell her that it is common, tell her that you are working on it, and that it may take a couple of months to heal. She will be supportive, and hold you accountable, and will help you to reach your nofap goal.

Your dick works OK during sex? No need to tell her much. Man's actions are more important than his words, and she won't be interested in whining.
When after a few months she notices what a sex beast you have become, you can briefly mention your journey, and she will say "wow", get impressed and ask for more sex.

 

Do you even have a problem if she ain’t catch you a few times yet hahahah jk my girl used to assume every time the door locked when she comes home I was jerking off. She call me be like I’m on my way home lol. But I tell her about this site and my streak and urges it actually helps. I never realized I’d jerk off be pissed off and take it out on her some way. They say what’s done in the dark comes to light. But then again my girl stronger then me.

 

OP, a wide variety of thoughts here. My own relationship with PMO has lasted 40+ years, and had a crisis with the spouse of 20+ years last week, where the straw that broke the camel's back was P on the phone in our bed. She knew I secretly accessed P and did PMO (was caught several - many - times over those 20+ years, full of shame, regret, going for a stretch PMO free, and relapsing again). I negotiated with my PMO habits, accepted it as 'a part of who I am', until last week that is.

I do not know how close you are to your GF, whether it's a temporary thing or whether you think she is 'the one'. As one said above, no relationship can thrive built on secrets or lies. And we lie about it, it affects our sex life, for me it was anorgasmia (inability to achieve orgasm) during normal sex. And my spouse noticed it, and didn't connect it to my PMO habit, of course she had little idea I was doing this every day or several times per week. Heck I'd cruise Reddit's /r/deadbedrooms to find fellowship.

Now after less than a week my world has changed. Many multi-hour talks with the spouse, she's my best friend and I feel like I have an unfair advantage this time around in laying PMO aside for good. Yes you can look up my "New to NoFap" post here for my past details, once I went about a year without PMO, only to relapse. But now I have support from my best friend, just started with an accountability partner from this site, and talking about it openly is such a refreshing change, this time it feels very different. No more shame for me, I am leaving it behind, and the 'fapstronaut' analogy is a good one. I have little idea of the experiences awaiting me along this journey to a new world, and as one who has been committed to personal growth for many decades it fills me with excitement. Every day feels like a gift, and will start a journal here soon.

OP I'd encourage you to 'man up' a different way. Show you are man enough to be vulnerable, to ASK for help from your GF, to be open about everything, to realize how much she really loves and cares for you. (Note: if she reacts differently well there's your answer, she doesn't love or care for you enough to help you.)

I've struggled enough for the 40+ years to know that willpower DOES NOT WORK. Accountability, communication, community (like we have here), and honesty DO WORK though.

All the best to you.

 

Imagine marrying someone and you never really knew them

 

I am in hard mode since this year started and my fiance proud of me