HARD TIME!!!

Day 3 : 10 August 2019

Suddenly a new problem started with me. I think I am getting addicted to intimacy resulting in ejaculation without masturbating. From the past 8 years I haven't masturbated a single day. Its all becoz I no longer find interest in it..also becoz I never had a beautiful companionship with my EXs. But this time it is different. I have a soul connection with a boy younger to me and its a long distance relationship...We really don't knw wht our future holds with each other but I love to live in present and at present I find peace with him. The things I longed for all these years I got it from him..friendship love care attention loyalty honesty, everything that a girl dreams of. I feel lucky bt at the same time we are facing a hard time together. We r struggling in our lives. Since we can't meet each other frequently we talk over the phone and smtimes we exchnge intimacy that's what natural. But there's a problem with me. The more I get close to a person the more I get addicted to that person and the more my obsession and possessiveness grow. I try to impose myslf on the opposite person.Though I m nt harmful in any kind bt all this happens in my mind only. Though I try to control bt smtimes I feel so lonely that I can't cntrol and as a result I feel irritated and then start watching videos of intimacy (not PORN exactly bcz I dnt find interest). This makes me ejaculated continuously without masturbating. The same thing happened last night when I stopped getting msgs from him bcz he was asleep that triggered my feeling of isolation. I watched those videos on youtube thinking of him. I also had a partial sexual dream where I am literally forcing someone to get intimate with me. I dont knw how to overcome this feeling. It happens only at night bcz during the day time my mind is always engaged to different activities.

 

Try to exhaust yourself with workouts. Yes, it'll be hard. It always will be . Remember ' tough times never last tough people do'. Good luck with your journey

 

I do workouts...I regularly do. But there's a sense of isolation everytime I am sitting idle specially at ni8. I struggle everyday not to feel like this. The problem arises when I m not feeling sleepy at night. When insomnia hits me I wander in search of some sleep but there r lots of stress going on in my life..Workout helps me for sometime but again the same thing. I alwys crave fr conversations bcz I hv no one in my family or other frnds with whom I can share my thoughts. Its alwys him with whom I feel peace and when he is unavailable I becm restless. But I need to understand this thing deeply and I will work on it surely! Thank u fr the advice

 

I can relate to those cravings for chats. Few months before I used to stay up all night chatting with anonymous strangers ( those are p subs for me -_-).. maybe try gaming.. works for most of the fapstronauts.

 

Ya gaming helped me a lot...these days I dont get time to play but there were times when I used to play PC games and it helped me a lot in the process.

 

Yes trying it hard...thank u

 

19th August Reporting
Last ni8 slept at - 2 Am
Woke up - 7 am
Went for Zumba - 8.30 am
Came back -9.30 am
Again went for classes at - 10.30 am
Since morning trying to reach him bt his phone was off.
I had exam but it was not good. I just made answers on my own whatever I understood I wrote but my mind was not at all focused bcz back of the mind I was tensed.
Practiced practical to change my focus...
the whole day I passed in worries. I got panicked too much becz he was not responding at all. Actually the problem with me is I care too much...its beyond any limitations that I want to change bcz the more I care the more I relapse. I do have neurological problem that stimulates whenever I get worried. But I knw this is only my problem. Anyways I reached home at 5 Pm.
He finally responded me saying that his phone went dead suddenly so he could not contact me. What should I say?? I knew that his phone has been creating problem bt still I relapsed bcz I had no other way to reach him except just sitting and worrying and crying.
Why can't I keep calm?? Why I go INSANE...Am I a psycho??? I remember this word once laid upon me by my Ex...and nw again oh God!!!
Am I a negative person...only keep on worrying and worrying all the time??? Why can't I focus??? Being sensitive has become too bad fr me now...I wish I could chnge it...otherwise. ..

 

24 August 2019
Its strange how you expect too much and everything goes in vain. Well that's quite normal with me now. I am adapted to few habits in my life. And every now and then even after doing shitty things finally I regret for my lost time.. My day went like this-
Woke up at 6.30 am. Was happy. There was a reason.
Mom and brother went to my Uncle's place fr the Puja. I didnt go bcz I feel loneliness there. Not a single person to speak my heart out.
Talked with him fr few hrs. Cooked food fr myslf...
Didn't get to sleep the whole day though I felt so sleepy..
Had to go to gym bt didn't bcz of my laziness and stupidity..Must not have skipped it at any cost...as it's the only source of my relaxation..
Had to talk to him at ni8 bt it didn't happen...
Its been a long ni8...I wish the ni8 ends soon.. Feeling numb as well as blank...Eyes got swollen...after a long time had a bad cry...Called Mom as I was feeling so lost...My brother wanted to get back home fr me as I was feeling frightened being alone at ni8..bt I stopped him.I regret that I didn't go to my uncle's place.. I thought I would b able to manage myslf bt I failed.
To divert my mind started drawing along with it increased the volume of music channel on tv too much...a relief..wanted to get lost somewhere....Eyes are hurting nw.
Had dinner early as I had nothing to do.
Feeling sick nw...shivering...just want these few hours to get over as soon as possible...
Want to go to my uncle's place tomorrow...want to stay with them...Its better to stay with people rather than dying in loneliness!! One good thought in life - "Never Plan In Life.Just Go With The Flow. It Will Never Let You Lose Yourself."
Escape Moment will always stay with me fr the whole life...Want to sleep now!!
Good ni8!!

 

25 August 2019
1:45 am
Tried so hard to sleep...Music is also on to hlp me but still no sleep!! I knw tomorrow will be the hard day for me...I will feel more tired than today. Bt can't help myslf anyways.. Hearing 80's and 90s Bollywood Songs ri8 now bcz its soothing and peaceful.
Our mind is very deceitful. It always finds a way to satisfy itself by any means leaving everything important aside.
One important proverb "TIME AND TIDE WAITS FOR NONE"
Need to get myself on track!!
Everytime I dream it becomes a trash after a while. So finally I stopped dreaming! Instead I hv started to make it real in every possible way. Want to live a life of a traveller...want to xplore places on my own...that would be my biggest achievement. I dnt want to depend on any1 fr my happiness bcz I felt it very close that more u feel dependent the more u become isolated...so if isolation is the only term that lives with you till the end of the day then why not start loving it in a different and beautiful way...Exploring places will be like adventure I know.
I knw this ni8 will not let me sleep anymore...feeling sick...having the problem of sinus bt still eyes don't get shut easily wen ur mind is stressed. Madness is overriding it slowly and slowly... Need to calm it down or I will b lost forever....I really dont know what to write..how to write in a systematic way...I m just writing the way the turbulence is working inside me..
Anyways would stop here!! Thats enough fr today! But remember "What's gone is gone! You will never get again what you have lost. So use your time wisely and work hard more!!!!"
Happy Sunday

 

Last ni8 was hilarious like everytime whenever I spend my ni8 alone.. During the day time I manage my routine easily but ni8 is difficult. Tried so hard to fall asleep...Sometimes watching Tv..Sometimes watching movies on Youtube...but nothing was helping me to fall asleep...Finally after struggling too much throughout the ni8 got to sleep at 3.45 Am. Woke up at 6.30 Am. Eyes are hurting...There's a headache but anyhow had to reach my uncle's home...After completing few tasks I started my journey at 8.30 am. Suddenly it rained so heavily that I got wet...Reached station somehow...Finally by 9.30 reached my uncle's home...Had breakfast and now sitting just idle...not feeling well...want to sleep!! At ni8 few instances happened like I wanted to watch good movies but unfortunately came across one sexual comedy movie...it made me laugh too much!! The ni8 was so gloomy but something made me laugh.
At one point of time I went to sleep suddenly without knowing but again woke up in the middle of the ni8 and that was pathetic feeling fr me...I want to forget every bit of this freaking ni8...Actually I dnt hv habit of staying alone..I always have this craving fr togetherness...be it anyone...loneliness kills me and makes me blank fr a moment...and that time is hard...once I pass that moment...nothing can shake me after that...I was expecting the ni8 to get over and I waited till 3.45 am...after that finally slept fr 3 hrs...still feeling sleepy!!
I believe everything happens for a reason...and it's always GOD's will...no matter how much you cry shout yell or even curse every situation.
Happy Sunday

 

Sometimes hopes don't get fulfilled. One of my favourite interests is dance and when u r ready to perform something like that on special occasion and you get a hard situation standing in front of you, you dont know whether its gonna be fulfilled or not...you get perplexed. Now the way everything is going on with me, I have just decided to go with the flow...I don't want to fi8 or sit and break down but will accept the thing as it takes me forward...Its not mandatory to get everything on demand but its important that atleast few things got fulfilled in life...Rest just leaving it to God!!

 

The day was not much productive but felt a little change than other normal days bcz its been 5 months that I didn't visit my uncle's home...just to find an escape moment had to elope there...It was raining heavily in the morning...feeling sick...so after reaching there went to sleep fr few hours... I dreamt so many things in those hours. Though I dont remember but it was a kind of distress. Called him bt didnt talk much as I was feeling so sleepy and fatigue...then woke up at 12.30pm and had conversation with cousins...together ate lunch at 2 pm...after a long time got a feeling of family.. lunch was heavy bt tasty...again felt tired and took a short nap...after a while saw everyone busy.. felt bored so entertained myself with making videos on tiktok...In the evening came back home...eyes are tired but still actively working...writing journal...
Feeling like getting fever...Its too cold..head is paining...again neurological problem in the ri8 hand since yesterday...God!! Why dont u finish me off at once...why should I bear all the pain of life physically and mentally I really dont understand!! Anyways God too doesn't care ha ha ha!!
Sometimes I doubt I am losing my mind but still fighting and surviving somehow...Lets see how much He can make me suffer!!
Gd ni8...

 

26th August 2019
Last ni8 was quite hard as I was feeling drowsy..sleepy...tired of everything in life...numb...everything just hit at once.. We talked. He asked me about my whole day activity...the way I was feeling on Saturday. I didnt want to express it but he wanted to hear so I expressed every bit of feeling I was going thru that ni8.. It was like more than that. I hv a basic problem...The problem of getting depressed too fast.. and the reason is expectations. I always think that I am nt going to expect anything..then it wont hurt..but I do this repeatedly...its bcz I love too much...and when it hovers over my head I just go out of my control...thats the main reason why I break down easily..just bcz I xpct the same thing in return though never ask fr it...I alwys wait to see what he or she does willingly fr me...and when I don't get..I hurt myslf more... Its a psychological problem may be... I feel like I m a curse on everyone.. Why can't I just chill out or ignore everything as if nothing seriously happened.
Anyways I expressed my feeling of being isolated to him...I dnt knw whether he understood or not but I should not blame him bcz that would be wrong. He loved me the way I am..that's important...He accepted me in every way that's important. Ri8?? Not everyone is perfect. I m too imperfect. I understand this..
Though I m matured enough to handle things..sometimes I become ruthless...I behve so irrationally that it bcmes unbearable fr everyone.
Moreover I don't know whether I will be able to perform this time on stage or not..I love dancing and its a problem when there's a group dance...if one member leaves everything changes...why do people don't take the responsibility seriously when others too r involved in it...I am disheartened. Why people become so selfish that mi8 affect others too...When you take a task or promise something like that then you should complete it...
Ri8 now I am typing my words and feeling like crying...I want to shout and cry...why I m nt able to feel anything?? Why I hv bcm so demanding??? Why I am getting pissed off myself every now and then..Today is my class and I dnt feel like going... only one thing is going inside my head...I JUST WANT TO SHOUT AND CRY HARD... feeling so dead!! Why I m never satisfied...?? What has happened to me!! Wht do I want???? Nobody has answer.. I m making everyone's life complicated by my strange mood and behaviour.Am I insane??? Why can't I forget that ni8 of loneliness?? Why I m still feeling it!!! Maybe bcz the time that goes away never comes back in life...And I hate that wastage!! I m bcming so hard these days!! Its affecting me as well as him...I dnt want him to suffer bcz of me... I can't love myself nor Can love anyone...Thats my life now. God pls heal me and my mind!!! I want a good sleep..!!!

 

Thnk u...

 

28th August 2019
Each day comes as a new challenge. One more hard decision to make!!
Teachers are like the pillars of strength for every student and its shameful when teachers use studenta for their own self interests. How is this possible!!!
Anyways the day went yesterday as follows-
Woke up at 7 am
Had prayer..
Had Happy wala mood as I was going to see my friends again after a long time.
Went to institute at 11 am for dance practice...but all went in vain after our teachers started harassment to one of our dance mates fr leaving the job she was assigned to.
They didn't try to understand her reasons and abused her.Now she doesn't want to perform and I support her. No teacher can force you for the choices of your career...
Ultimately I don't know what's gonna happen today in class. A long discussion will take place and I simply hv no idea how to face it.....
To be continued...