Hard vs. Soft mode - how to be guilt free?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Dailythoughts, Jan 3, 2021.

  1. Dailythoughts

    Dailythoughts Fapstronaut

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    (warning - might be triggering to some):
    Yesterday I had some intimate time with my wife and as these things go I ended up O'ing. Rebooting while in a relationship is a very tricky and confusing thing. When you O you feel happy that its guilt free and done in the right way (unless you fantasize about P - in which case STOP!). However, at the same time you still feel unhappy because you cannot shake off the feeling that its hindering your progress and that it shouldn't happen (until 90 days at least). Unfortunately I always have a tendency of believing in extreme instructions like go hard or go home, so in the back of my head I keep thinking that to fix this I need to go hard mode. It is the only way to move forward. When I spoke to my wife about this in one of my previous attempts, she was supportive in my decision not to O. Unfortunately when things get serious we both throw that out of the window. Afterwards when we both get some sense back she always asks how come I O'ed, and I try to play it off like its not a big deal so that she doesn't feel bad. Now I am trying to limit our intimate time to twice a week, but I don't think that's the issue. I think the issue is being able to stick to the decision of not O'ing. Obviously I know there are ways of satisfying each other without me having to O, but again, judgement is very clouded when things get going.

    Would be interested to hear your opinions.
     
  2. stylis162

    stylis162 Fapstronaut

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    My dear friend a huge bravo for you because you talk to your wife about your addiction and you share your problem with her
    Sharing problems with someone you love is an important tool for success you at the right path don't worry
    To have sex with your wife is not a bad thing for sure is an essential process in a relationship and I think without sex your relationship will he difficult but if you think that only without orgasm you will manage to deal your addiction don't worry just accept it and go for hard mode
    But again in my opinion to have an orgasm with someone you love is like a healing drug from video game for me at least so try to figure out what is right for you and dicide with your wife and dont feel guilty about it
     
  3. Stop the sexual activity for 90 days. You have to go hard mode for 90 days. If you keep having sex and orgasiming you'll get the "chaser effect" and will most likely keep failing no p and m over and over.
     
  4. No stylis.. No orgasms allowed. Hard mode is the best way to go.
     
  5. Hercules9

    Hercules9 Fapstronaut

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    I don't see what the problem is. I'd happily have sex with a woman, if there were any who were interested. Masturbation and porn are the real problems, IMO.
     
    BeeItaly and FX-05 like this.
  6. Sure maybe after the 90 days, but not during the 90 days. Got to get brain back to "factory default" settings.
     
  7. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    @Dailythoughts First of all I was in the same position not long ago as you are in now. I am certain I know how you feel in this situation. Before you make a final decision about hardmode I would advise you "research" (at least in these forums) what it truly entails. After that, stop looking outside ourself. For a few days think about it deeply all on your own, even meditate on it (I use meditate loosely here).

    The principle thing when you and your wife decide to be physically intimate is your state of mind. What is the driving factor for wanting to O? Is it your wife? If it is your wife, tell yourself that you want to do this because she is your wife, and nurture your bond. If it is anything other than your wife, don't commit to the connection. Resolve that within yourself.

    It is not merely about going a long time without connecting with your wife hoping for some miracle. It is about cultivating an "alignment", if you will, with your sexual energy and your bond with your partner. This is the goal, is it not? Don't blindly shoot for 90 days, as I have. My mind was totally in the wrong state to yield fruitful benefits.

    Also, as my wife pointed out, if you do want to go 90 days for a hard reset make sure you are in a trigger-less environment. Going these days while living a life around women will not help, it will hinder you.

    Lastly, with regards to the feelings of guilt, as long as you know that you didn't purposefully go out and seek triggering adventures you can tell yourself, "it is okay. My body is used to getting excited about these things. I am working to better myself," etc. Take a deep breath and relax your body and continue forth your daily activities. If you did do something on purpose, tell your wife (or an accountability partner) that you did (you don't have to give her any details, she doesn't need that), but also tell her what you did to change. This second part is very important.
     
    Dailythoughts likes this.
  8. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Your rational side is in conflict with your "feelings". If you are not consuming porn or masturbating then for me is ok for you to let yourself go with your woman. We are against porn and we encourage real sex, even more if it is with someone you care about.
     
  9. Dailythoughts

    Dailythoughts Fapstronaut

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    Hi all,

    Apologies for the delay in writing a reply, I appreciate you all taking the time to let me know your opinions. To be honest everything you all said makes sense, which is still confusing haha.

    I think I will give hard mode for 90 days one final try. I cant continue involving my wife with failing attempts not to O, it will then lose meaning and significance and will just become annoying. So if this time it does not work out then bun this, we move on. No P is way more important to me than no O so as long as that's happening I will convince myself to focus on the positives rather than negatives.
     
    stylis162 likes this.
  10. Peter.Parker10

    Peter.Parker10 Fapstronaut

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    I went through the same situation. Hiding guilt for having sex with wife and screwing hard mode was a classic. Don't feel bad for having sex with her. She's real, nothing that has to do with porn, so don't be so guilty about it.

    However, she has commit to hard mode too, as every one says, hard mode is the best way to go. I know it's unfair because this porn problem is yours, but if you guys want to work things out, both of you need to be aware that this problem is destroying the relationship.

    It's hard my friend, but that's the price we have to pay for getting involved with porn.

    Best wishes for you and your wife, I really hope you can achieve the 90 days hard mode rebook.
     
    Dailythoughts and stylis162 like this.
  11. gutihaz

    gutihaz Fapstronaut

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    Im on the same boat. Im 35 days P and M free but have sex with my gf 2 times per week aprox. The problem is that I dont see progress with my erection. A time ago I was 45 days free of PMO and then have sex... The erection was awesome... So my fear is that what really mske the difference to progress is be in hard mode. In hard mode is allowed sex without O? Cause if not it will be a problem for my relation. Maybe I will be 90 days without P and M and see if is any progress... If not I dont know what I will do, cause this problem is really overcoming me.
     
    Dailythoughts likes this.
  12. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    If you're trying to examine and analyze your erection every 2-3 days you're never going to see progress. It's like a watched pot never boils. Most ED and erection issues are mental, you're obviously still able to have intercourse, so focus on enjoying what you have instead of what you wish it was.
     
    gutihaz likes this.
  13. Dailythoughts

    Dailythoughts Fapstronaut

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    It's like you are describing my life! I definitely felt I had much stronger erections after a long pmo streak. Now it's ok it gets the job done, definitely not as bad as when I was at my worst level in pmo, with every streak it got better, but still not the amazing strong one that I felt after a long streak.

    I decided to go hard mode but we are having kerezza and I focus on making my wife happy (if you know what I mean). So far she's happy and supportive at the same time! But it's easy to lose control during intimate time so if you want to give it a try you really need to be strict with yourself not to O!
     
    gutihaz likes this.
  14. JoeinMD

    JoeinMD Fapstronaut

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    What exactly are you trying to recover from? How is O in marriage counter to that goal?

    .
     
  15. gutihaz

    gutihaz Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for answer...
    Yes, it's difficult because I question myself how get forever that strong erections that happens after a long streak Pmo. I mean, if I stay 90 days without PMO (having sex with gf but without O) will recover my erection completely or when I begin to O frequently(with real sex) my erections won't be so strongs??? That is what is worriying me... Maybe what I would need to heal completely is 90 days on totally hard mode without sex and nothing, but I still wont have the security of recover that strong erection. I would want to know if anyone who did that long strak has recover totally. Thanks so much.
     
  16. gutihaz

    gutihaz Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I try to focus in that and try to enjoy, but I can't avoid feel fear about the situation of no overcome my ED. I will try to be 90 days without O, although I have sex with my gf.
     
  17. gutihaz

    gutihaz Fapstronaut

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    And how many days are you in hard mode right now? I think it will be what I will do, try if avoid the O will recover my brain.
     
  18. Dailythoughts

    Dailythoughts Fapstronaut

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    To me its a combination of mental and physical reasoning.

    Physically, Hardmode (no O) is a more solid way of rebooting because O causes the chaser effect (which I fell victim to multiple times). Another reason is that at the start of my reboot journey years ago I also had an ED issue to the point I had to rely on memories of P to actually get an erection during sex. Just because sex is the right path to O does not mean it always works, sometimes it can also hurt your progress. I feel like having a couple of streaks of hard mode helped me a lot to fix that because you come back and you really start to enjoy the intimacy and all that.

    Mentally I feel like I am failing the challenge that I set myself, which will always weigh on my mind even if I am O the right way. So I feel like completing this challenge and getting rid of that mental block will help me move on and really enjoy my sex life. I wouldnt be surprised if it helped me have stronger erections as well since confidence does play a major part in these things.
     
  19. JoeinMD

    JoeinMD Fapstronaut

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    Okay, if overcoming ED is the motive, I understand. I have other motives; ED is not my problem. And, yes, I agree that even legitimate O can have chaser effects, like any O, which is why hardmode can be easier, but only in that respect.

    .
     
  20. gutihaz

    gutihaz Fapstronaut

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    I understand, but for me the chaser effect after sex is not the problem, I can be disciplinated to overcome it. I feel the problem more biological, as if the retention of semen would make strongs erections and when O this power is gone. I hope that with long streaks without PM can solve that and reach what I want. What I want is be able to have sex with my gf when we want and have the response of my erection. Just that... Like all want I supose. Obviously, the psychologic components also play an important role in all that issue. Thanks and sorry for my level of english.
     

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