Have you heard of FANOS?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by ILoathePwife, May 19, 2016.

  1. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    If you haven't "met" me here yet, my husband has been addicted to porn for 20 years, longer than he has known me. When he stumbled on this website and we decided to try a 90 day hard mode reboot together, no intentional Os for either of us (it's day 10 for us today), we were hopeful it could help him get rid of porn cravings and unwanted porn images intruding on his thoughts. The other goals were to help him reconnect with his own emotions and reconnect with me, essentially saving our badly battered marriage. Other than the hope of a reboot, we had no clue how to get there.

    Thanks to @ChangeMattersToMe we learned about the benefits of 30 minutes of cuddling daily and @lfromcr mentioned FANOS. Well, in just 10 days my husband have seen wonderful positive changes. We are fighting less, disagreements/crabbiness lasts a shorter time and I feel like we are in that hoped for second honeymoon! More healing and changes do need to happen, but the positive progress is nothing short of miraculous, as far as I am concerned, especially compared to anything else we've tried to save our marriage.

    Since then I'm like a broken record, have you heard of FANOS? Have you tried cuddling for 30 minutes a day? I think every couple, whether they face addiction(s) or not, would benefit from both FANOS and the scheduled nonsexual cuddle time. So I decided to start a thread:

    1. To share what I've learned with others. (And so I can tag people in this post, instead of retyping it, when I mention it again in the future. Because I know I will!)

    2. To hear other people's experiences with using FANOS and the scheduled cuddling.

    Here are the details.

    30 minutes cuddling a day. Learn more about the benefits here http://yourbrainonporn.com/the-lazy-way-to-stay-in-love
    and here. http://yourbrainonporn.com/calling-all-skin-hungry-cuddle-sluts

    FANOS is a daily check in with your spouse to practice emotional intimacy. It's from the Greek word that means to shine or reveal.

    F Feelings--state your feelings, not your thoughts.

    A Affirmation/acknowledge--give your spouse an affirmation--or say thank you for something.

    N Needs--ask for something you need (knowing that sometimes your need will not be fulfilled)

    O Own something you did. Say you are sorry.

    S Sobriety--the addict will check in with his or her spouse about his or her sobriety. If sobriety is no longer an issue, you may each choose something you want to change, ie, habitual TV watching, rage, withdrawal, sarcasm, ect.) for your spiritual growth and check in about your progress with that issue.

    Now I'd like to hear from you, especially if you're part of a couple that has tried FANOS or the scheduled cuddle time. Was it helpful? How often have you been or did you do it? What did you notice that it helped you with?

    I contacted Faithful and True and confirmed that is the source.
    "The FANOS tool is original to Faithful and True and can be found in print in Debbie Laaser's book, "Shattered Vows," page 184." Sherri Trautmann, administrator, Faithful and True.

    The other thing we've done, along with the reboot, FANOS and nonsexual cuddling, is experiment with karezza, which is sex without O.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2016
  2. To give credit where credit is due, @lfromcr mentioned FANOS to you for the first time. Buy still, I'm glad I could inspire you to do the scheduled cuddling. For me, it's not feeling scheduled at all anymore after 30 days.
     
    ILoathePwife likes this.
  3. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Ah, yes, thank you. I guess I remembered it wrong. I was thinking I should tag @lfromcr when I mentioned FANOS and I guess I should have trusted my instincts!
     
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  4. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    ***ORIGINAL SOURCE FOR F.A.N.O.S***
    It is originally accredited to Debra Laaser, of Faithful and True Ministries and can be found here (just put a "www." on the front of it):

    frontrangecounselingcenter.com/couples-sharing-exercise-fanos/


    ALSO, thanks @ChangeMattersToMe, for the shout-out, but it was actually @jfromcr who posted the tool on these forums first :D (pretty proud of that man!!!)
     
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  5. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    ALSO, I'd like to point out an element that would have really helped @jfromcr and I:

    OWNERSHIP part of F.A.N.O.S.:
    For a long time I misunderstood this part of it, and he and I went for years owning general stuff we had to face. The way the tool is designed is to own something you did or said to your SO.

    I think doing it this way from the start would have caused us to heal even more quickly.


    --

    Here's an explanation with examples; each one covers the following:

    F - Feeling. "I am feeling a little worn out because of my work schedule, and my shoulder hurts. I am also feeling pain and nervousness over the distance between us."
    A - Acknowledge. "I want to thank you for your honesty last week. I know it wasn't easy, but you were my hero!"
    N - Need. "I need you to take out the trash and I need to connect with you again tomorrow."
    O* - Ownership. "I own that I haven't been appreciating all you've been doing around here. I also own that I used the silent treatment against you instead of talking to you when ___. (you will also want to apologize, for some of these)
    S - Sobriety. "I felt a little tempted with that guy at work today. I want to shine a light on this to stay sober, but also to use it as a sign that there may be too much distance between us."

    *Ownership has to do with owning a mistake you made in the relationship--either recently or in the past. ALSO NOTE, this is not the time to bash each other over what they're owning.

    You share and he shares. At first we did the FANOS every day, then later, we'd use it when we felt the distance creeping.

    It's a way to connect in 5 minutes or less on the REAL stuff going on inside us.
     
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  6. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Thank you! You beat me to it. I actually emailed Faithful and true and did get an email confirmation on that so I will add that to the thread. The additional explanation on ownership is helpful too!

     
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  7. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    Where was this last summer :(
     
  8. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    God has a plan; it's what's best. Just no guarantee I'll like it.
     
  9. RisingPhoenix77

    RisingPhoenix77 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks so much, very thoughtful of you:)
     
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  10. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    FANOS is a great acronym for couples and helps build sharing and intimacy! Another good one that is helpful for the addict to be aware of HALT.

    Hungry
    Angry
    Lonely
    Tired

    If he (or she) is experiencing any of these or multiples of these they may be more susceptible to giving in to temptation. Being aware if we are experiencing any of these triggers has been helpful for me. Once we are aware of our triggers we can then be proactive about them as part of the recovery process. i.e. making sure I get enough sleep, reaching out to someone if I'm lonely, not skipping a meal, etc.
     
  11. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    Haha. Yeah, we have a 9 yr old that get's "hangry" if we push dinner or lunch too late for her. ;)
     
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  12. Kepha_

    Kepha_ Fapstronaut

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    So FANOS is a tool my wife and I used sparatically in the past. Usually as a converstion starter when we were staring across the table at each other not knowing what to say. Porn destroyed the intimacy in my marriage. I wish now that I would have used FANOS more. I have been away from my wife for 37 days now and have at least 46 days until I have a chance at getting to talk to her. Here is what happened. After years of porn use and trying to stop and making promises i couldn't keep she had enough. I started becoming suspicious one night and asked to use her phone. I saw she was texting another man about meeting up. I was shocked and in denial. The next night I confronted her about it and she lied saying nothing was going on. I looked more in to her phone and found nude photos she had sent him that she forgot to delete. After I showed her these she admitted that she had gone out on a date with him. Shesaid they didn't sleep together but kissed at the restaurant and later were sexting. She also informed me that a lesbian friend of hers had kissed her when they were drinking together. I was heartbroken. I tried to call and confront the man but he didn't answer. I called the lesbian friend to do the same. I told her to leave us alone that obviously we had a lot to work on. I was heartbroken I told my wife I was leaving i went to my room grabbed my jacket and started down the hall to leave. My wife was yelling that she didn't want me to go and pushing me back. I lost my temper and punched a hollow core bathroom door 4 times. After that she moved and I left. The next day I got charged with domestic violence and criminal mischief. this sucks right now but I believe this happened to save me not destroy me. I have hit rock bottom but it could have been a lot worse. While I am not aloud to contact my wife she has contacted me repenting for what she did and expressing a desire for reconciliation. I am so looking forward to when we can come back together. For right now though I am throwing myself in to recovering from my addictions and healing myself as a whole. I am a christian and I believe this happening is God's mercy and grace. I believe his purpose is to restore my marriage and give me a life free from addiction so that I can be the husband and father I have always wanted to be. I can not wait to do fanos with my wife. I so took it for granted I want to do it every day now. Also 30 minutes of scheduled cuddle time a day is a great Idea. This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, but I believe that this literally saved my life. I was ready to kill myself because I didn't see a way out of my addiction. Now I am full of hope for the future.

    016 14 55 51
    Days Hours Minutes Seconds
    PMO FREE!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  13. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I commented on this in your other post, but I wanted to say again, prayers for you and your family!
     
  14. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    Kepha_,
    Sometimes we have to hit a rock bottom in order to pick ourselves back up and rise strong from the fall. I'm glad to hear you are filled with hope for the future. Blessings to you as you pick yourself up, dust off and keep on journeying.
     
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  15. Rapparee

    Rapparee Guest

    fupornwife I think what your doing with FANOS and daily cuddling is nothing short of beautiful, I think a majority of people don't do this in general out there or at least don't consciously think about it enough. I've always thought myself that I am quite good with this kind of thing emotional intimacy but after reading all about this I have realised even though I was doing it in the past without knowing I have let it slip and even if I do it now and again I don't do it with any thought in mind.
    Thanks must be given to you and I'm determined to try this out with my partner once I see her again, everyone should take this on board whether they are an addict or not, its time to change this emotionally curbed world by starting with ourselves!
     
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  16. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    YES!! I only wish I could tell everyone I know. But I fear explainin the sobriety part, and the questions it would raise.

    I'm glad you got something good a out of my incessant babbling about FANOS and intentional cuddling!
     
  17. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

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  18. Beard_Logic

    Beard_Logic Fapstronaut

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    @fupornwife; I'm sorry if you've answered these questions already, but would you mind a few questions about your, and your husbands, implementation of this technique, and the effect it's had on yourselves ..?

    In regards to feelings; I really struggle to even identify what I'm feeling at any given time, I find emotions difficult to deal with, my own and other peoples, it can take me a couple of days of reflection to be able to express my feelings...
    • How did your husband find being open about his feelings, and opening up to you?
    • Did he find anything in particular help?
    Was their anything that you found particularly easy or difficult about implementing FANOS?

    I appreciate your time
     
  19. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Nope, I really haven't been asked any of this, specifically. Glad to answer.

    My husband is right there with you. We've come to the conclusion that the addiction, his shame over PMO and whatever deeper reason he fell prey to PMO addiction are the reasons he has trouble with this. We believe that he numbed himself emotionally with PMO, and with the methods he used to try to avoid PMO. (Nonstop computer gaming. Although he does still game now, but in a much healthier way.) So his difficulty, or inability, to identify and express his own feelings or deal with my emotions, was rooted in his addiction. His stated goals for the reboot were to, become more self aware and to better connect with me while also improving our marriage. We have a ways to go but the progress so far has been nothing short of amazing.

    For example. Before we started FANOS and the reboot when I would try to talk to him he would say things like, I don't know, I'm feeling blah, I'm tired. Over and over. Rarely any meaningful conversation. When we started FANOS his most frequent answer was I don't know, especially to how do I feel and what do I need from you. But he started saying, I don't know, but I want to know, and I want to share with you. Progress. Now he can occasionally come up with feelings or a need. More progress. Last night he said I don't know, I'm tired, to feelings. But today, out of the blue, he identified that he had been sad (an actual feeling word from him is a near miracle) and went on to explain why. (We also identified, together, that he'd been sad for that same reason, previously.)

    As I've pretty much already covered. It was hard for him. Very hard.

    As it was hard for me to start cuddling the first time. I first cried my eyes out because we'd deteriorated to the point to where we needed to schedule cuddling. And then I cried because, although it felt good, it felt like cuddling with an emotionless stone. (Part him, and part my perception.)

    When he noticed the effect it was having. I had previously been very angry and critical. Not long into implementing FANOS we both started noticing how much happier and more forgiving I was. And that we fought much less often and the fights were shorter.

    Just do it. Every day. Yes, we missed a day or two but we also sometimes wrote our FANOS down, for each other. Just slog your way though it, one letter, one day at a time. If you start seeing that it's worth it, it will become much easier. And, if my husband's ability to identify and handle feelings has improved, I believe yours will as well. Our marriage counselor said he had one of the best poker faces he'd ever seen. Like, no expression would come across it. And when I met him he really could only use three emotion words and one of those was blah, which isn't really a truly defined word. So, yeah. Emotionless man is evolving!
     
  20. Beard_Logic

    Beard_Logic Fapstronaut

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    This!!!
    Thank you @fupornwife, I can really identify with a lot of what you've said ... I cannot even express how much better that makes me feel :D
     
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