Haven't watched extreme P in 1yr but crippled with guilt, contemplating suicide

A

alltaf00

New Fapstronaut
19f. I think this could be considered NSFL, not sure. I don't really know what I want with this post. Maybe just to vent to people that understand. I know this is a long post but please read it, I'm desperate for any sort of help at this point and it doesn't look like therapy is an option for the foreseeable future.

I went through various forms of sexual abuse from ages 6-9 which lead me to develop hypersexual behavior as a young child. I was always curious about the internet so naturally started googling those things. At age 8 I came across and began reading smut fanfictions and comics of the most depraved things possible. Rape, underage/loli stuff, bestiality, scat, incest, etc. This completely warped my perception of sex even more. I began having extreme fantasies about myself and people I knew at that age too. Things like me or my friends being raped by teachers, fantasizing about my friends families engaging in orgies with each other, our school being turned into a brothel for adults, etc. Sometimes I'd even act out the things I had read, like with piss or poop, and even once with a cat. This was all before age 10. I got sexually abused once by a relative around that time too.

At that time I started getting into real life porn. Mostly started vanilla. Obviously it very quickly evolved into gangbangs, gloryholes, bdsm, and more. I remember watching Whitney Wisconsin's video justifying having sex with dogs and also stumbling onto a zoophile forum saying similar things- being a child, it made me think that having sex with animals was okay. I even got convinced that it's legal. Thankfully I never actually did anything with animals but I remember coming across a couple actual bestiality videos at around 11-12 and getting off on them.

I seem to have blocked out all the porn I watched between 12-16. I can't remember any of it. I'm not sure if it was normal or extreme. But at age 16 I got sexually assaulted and it seems to have stunned me back into this sexual depravity. Covid hit around the same time. Being isolated in lockdown, I joined discord servers for fandoms I was in. One of these servers turned out to be dedicated to fucked up fanfiction and art of said fandom, which I didn't know before joining. The people there would share links and justify it by saying it was all fictional and could help cope with trauma. Naively, I believed them and began consuming the content they shared. I went down exactly the same path I had as when I was a child.

At 17 it was the main content I was watching. Lolicon, bestiality, rape and incest (although those last two were all fantasy videos as far as I know), piss, you name it. One time I wandered onto the deep web wanting to find videos of people my age, 16- 17 year olds. I now know it's fucked up but at the time I justified it by saying it was okay because they were the same age as me. The first link I clicked on had CP of a young child. I felt sad and numb and it didn't arouse me. I exited out of the page, clicked on a couple more links- same thing. So I eventually just closed the tab and uninstalled TOR. I didn't really know how to navigate the deep web and I thought that you wouldn't come across that stuff unless you were actively looking for it. A couple weeks later I tried to kill myself in part due to the things I had seen on there.

This incident seemed to have completely killed all interest I had in porn in general. I say "seemed" because again my brain completely erased any memory of the things I had seen on TOR and the fucked up porn I'd watched beforehand. I haven't consumed anything other than normal, vanilla porn since then. I've had no issues with PMO.

However, a couple months ago all those memories came crashing back down on me. I suffer extreme anxiety and guilt over the content I consumed to the point that I failed all my classes this semester. My drug and alcohol abuse problems have also gotten much worse. I get flashbacks of the stuff I saw. I feel like a fundamentally broken person and all the things I did have turned me into a monster for good. If any normal person were to hear of the things I got off to they would shun me. I don't deserve the love of my friends or family. I want to tell everybody about this so they'll find out who I really am and leave me. I can barely interact with them without feeling intense guilt and shame.

I know this is a case of escalation and a result of porn addiction, and due to the sexual abuse I suffered as child. At the time I genuinely believed that this content wasn't morally repugnant. I've never actually felt attracted to those things in real life or been compelled to act them out. But that still doesn't make it okay. People would still hate me if I told them. Even on here I'm on the extreme end- I honestly get jealous when people say that their extreme is for example transgender or bbw porn.

I can't change the past, so at this point I feel like my only option is suicide. It's what I deserve for what I've watched. I don't recognize the person that looked at all those things but at the end of the day it was still me and I still made those decisions. I just can't let go of the guilt and shame even if it's been more than a year since. This will haunt me for the rest of my life and I just don't know if I'll be able to bear it.
 
Please remember that you are valued and loved. Nothing that has happened to you makes you any less of a person. The fact that you have endured that level of trauma and are still here is a display of how strong you truly are. Keep going if not for others then for yourself. Seeking counseling and assistance does not make you weak, it makes you strong for acknowledging that we all need a hand to hold sometimes.
You’ve. Got. This
 
alltaf00 said:
19f. Je pense que cela pourrait être considéré comme NSFL, pas sûr. Je ne sais pas vraiment ce que je veux avec ce post. Peut-être juste pour évacuer les gens qui comprennent. Je sais que c'est un long message, mais veuillez le lire, je suis désespéré pour toute sorte d'aide à ce stade et il ne semble pas que la thérapie soit une option dans un avenir prévisible.

I went through various forms of sexual abuse from ages 6-9 which lead me to develop hypersexual behavior as a young child. I was always curious about the internet so naturally started googling those things. At age 8 I came across and began reading smut fanfictions and comics of the most depraved things possible. Rape, underage/loli stuff, bestiality, scat, incest, etc. This completely warped my perception of sex even more. I began having extreme fantasies about myself and people I knew at that age too. Things like me or my friends being raped by teachers, fantasizing about my friends families engaging in orgies with each other, our school being turned into a brothel for adults, etc. Sometimes I'd even act out the things I had read, like with piss or poop, and even once with a cat. This was all before age 10. I got sexually abused once by a relative around that time too.

At that time I started getting into real life porn. Mostly started vanilla. Obviously it very quickly evolved into gangbangs, gloryholes, bdsm, and more. I remember watching Whitney Wisconsin's video justifying having sex with dogs and also stumbling onto a zoophile forum saying similar things- being a child, it made me think that having sex with animals was okay. I even got convinced that it's legal. Thankfully I never actually did anything with animals but I remember coming across a couple actual bestiality videos at around 11-12 and getting off on them.

I seem to have blocked out all the porn I watched between 12-16. I can't remember any of it. I'm not sure if it was normal or extreme. But at age 16 I got sexually assaulted and it seems to have stunned me back into this sexual depravity. Covid hit around the same time. Being isolated in lockdown, I joined discord servers for fandoms I was in. One of these servers turned out to be dedicated to fucked up fanfiction and art of said fandom, which I didn't know before joining. The people there would share links and justify it by saying it was all fictional and could help cope with trauma. Naively, I believed them and began consuming the content they shared. I went down exactly the same path I had as when I was a child.

At 17 it was the main content I was watching. Lolicon, bestiality, rape and incest (although those last two were all fantasy videos as far as I know), piss, you name it. One time I wandered onto the deep web wanting to find videos of people my age, 16- 17 year olds. I now know it's fucked up but at the time I justified it by saying it was okay because they were the same age as me. The first link I clicked on had CP of a young child. I felt sad and numb and it didn't arouse me. I exited out of the page, clicked on a couple more links- same thing. So I eventually just closed the tab and uninstalled TOR. I didn't really know how to navigate the deep web and I thought that you wouldn't come across that stuff unless you were actively looking for it. A couple weeks later I tried to kill myself in part due to the things I had seen on there.

This incident seemed to have completely killed all interest I had in porn in general. I say "seemed" because again my brain completely erased any memory of the things I had seen on TOR and the fucked up porn I'd watched beforehand. I haven't consumed anything other than normal, vanilla porn since then. I've had no issues with PMO.

However, a couple months ago all those memories came crashing back down on me. I suffer extreme anxiety and guilt over the content I consumed to the point that I failed all my classes this semester. My drug and alcohol abuse problems have also gotten much worse. I get flashbacks of the stuff I saw. I feel like a fundamentally broken person and all the things I did have turned me into a monster for good. If any normal person were to hear of the things I got off to they would shun me. I don't deserve the love of my friends or family. I want to tell everybody about this so they'll find out who I really am and leave me. I can barely interact with them without feeling intense guilt and shame.

I know this is a case of escalation and a result of porn addiction, and due to the sexual abuse I suffered as child. At the time I genuinely believed that this content wasn't morally repugnant. I've never actually felt attracted to those things in real life or been compelled to act them out. But that still doesn't make it okay. People would still hate me if I told them. Even on here I'm on the extreme end- I honestly get jealous when people say that their extreme is for example transgender or bbw porn.

Je ne peux pas changer le passé, donc à ce stade, j'ai l'impression que ma seule option est le suicide. C'est ce que je mérite pour ce que j'ai regardé. Je ne reconnais pas la personne qui a regardé toutes ces choses, mais en fin de compte, c'était toujours moi et j'ai quand même pris ces décisions. Je ne peux tout simplement pas abandonner la culpabilité et la honte, même si cela fait plus d'un an. Cela me hantera pour le reste de ma vie et je ne sais pas si je pourrai le supporter.
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Franchement tu es vraiment jeune
C'est rien 19 ans
Tu peu encore changer j'aimerai avoir ton âge
Tu verras d'ici quelque mois tes penser vont s'estomper
Tu es vraiment jeune change mon ami
 
Im sorry your parents allowed you on the internet that young. I remember when I was a kid porn was very difficult to attain. We had to dowload it for hours and hours over clients like kazaa. Porn is everywhere these days and extreme porn is on the homepages of these sites. You don't even have to search for obscurity to find weird porn. Naturally being a curious child makes you find these things even faster (especially if you suffered sexual abuse).

Eventhough you ve seen all this stuff you have to learn that it's not at all real. Most of the time it's all acted and people having these kinds of sexualities are in a huge minority. You should drop all this porn and do a reboot. Don't even consider suicide becsuse you are innocent! Start with eating healthily and exercising as a natural mean to get you slowly out of your depression. Use your past as your special strength and not as your weakness! You got this! ;)
 
Hey, that's real heavy stuff you're working through, I'm sorry.

You obviously know right from wrong and have a moral compass in you, or you wouldn't be feeling all sorts a messed up. Take note of the fact that you're here, reaching out for help... It's evidence enough right there that you are able to see things clearly, be honest with yourself and that you have intention to change, which is more than a lot of people can say for themselves in this world.

However, I do think you've got a difficult road to go down to find redemption, to make shit up to yourself and feel comfortable with yourself in the world again.

I know it's hard to hear from some random stranger, but you aren't too far gone there... You can heal, get right with your past, and find peace a real life to live going forward. I think you're gonna have to work extremely hard tho. But that's where most of that peace is found, in the work. You've just got to provide evidence to yourself that you aren't your worst moment, and that you are changing.

For most peoples, having structure and accountability is fundamental. I know you mentioned therapy not being an option. There are a whole host of sober groups out there, full of folks that are limping through their lows together so as to work toward something bigger than themselves in this life.

Stay up meng, and good for you for having the stones to be honest with yourself and admit where you're really at... That's the first, and most difficult step for most to overcome, so keep it up, keep moving forward.
 
I think that we make mistakes and we need to be tought right and wrong , the fact that u know it's wrong is enough to do something clean ,and may be there's young innocent childs out there needs to be protected and tought the wrongness of this bad stuff , if u give up and suicide i will see it as giving up to the devil , so if i was in ur place i will stay away from this negative stuff block all p*rn and start reading books and other stuff that feed my mind with positive insights , i see u as good person honestly ,the real evil is ignorance ,so please make decision and try to fight it with us
 
Those feelings of guilt will fade away. I've been in a guilt spiral very very similar to yours, and I can tell you that every single month it got better and better. Today, I feel like a completely normal person. Trust me, you will get better and these feelings of shame, guilt, and regret are just temporary.
 
Thank you for sharing. And congratulations on not viewing for over one year already.

There is some very good news though. On a spiritual level, the fact that you feel guilt indicates that you have a conscience and so you have the capacity to be spiritually healthy once again. Additionally, you have not caused harm to any others. On a physiological level, the porn addition you that you had only existed within your own brain. Your brain can and will change and heal over time.

Regarding the physical trauma and abuse you experienced, I am sorry that happened to you. If you are able to see a counselor, they will be able to help you heal through this. When I was your age, I thought the idea of seeing a counselor indicated some great weakness and I didn't fully understand what role they actually play. My thought was "couldn't you just think things through yourself". But I've come to understand that they do play a very important role. A good counselor will listen to you and understand you, they will ask you questions to help you find the right direction but they won't tell you what to do, and they will not judge you either.

Regarding the feeling that your addiction was far worse than others, if I could recommend reading the book Out Of The Shadows by Patrick J Carnes. I came across the book through a recommendation in this forum. According to the book, addicts believe that they are uniquely depraved, but in fact sexual addictions are relatively common. Getting the issue out of the darkness as you have done by reaching out here is a good first step to curing the guilt and healing.
 
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alltaf00 said:
19f. I think this could be considered NSFL, not sure. I don't really know what I want with this post. Maybe just to vent to people that understand. I know this is a long post but please read it, I'm desperate for any sort of help at this point and it doesn't look like therapy is an option for the foreseeable future.

I went through various forms of sexual abuse from ages 6-9 which lead me to develop hypersexual behavior as a young child. I was always curious about the internet so naturally started googling those things. At age 8 I came across and began reading smut fanfictions and comics of the most depraved things possible. Rape, underage/loli stuff, bestiality, scat, incest, etc. This completely warped my perception of sex even more. I began having extreme fantasies about myself and people I knew at that age too. Things like me or my friends being raped by teachers, fantasizing about my friends families engaging in orgies with each other, our school being turned into a brothel for adults, etc. Sometimes I'd even act out the things I had read, like with piss or poop, and even once with a cat. This was all before age 10. I got sexually abused once by a relative around that time too.

At that time I started getting into real life porn. Mostly started vanilla. Obviously it very quickly evolved into gangbangs, gloryholes, bdsm, and more. I remember watching Whitney Wisconsin's video justifying having sex with dogs and also stumbling onto a zoophile forum saying similar things- being a child, it made me think that having sex with animals was okay. I even got convinced that it's legal. Thankfully I never actually did anything with animals but I remember coming across a couple actual bestiality videos at around 11-12 and getting off on them.

I seem to have blocked out all the porn I watched between 12-16. I can't remember any of it. I'm not sure if it was normal or extreme. But at age 16 I got sexually assaulted and it seems to have stunned me back into this sexual depravity. Covid hit around the same time. Being isolated in lockdown, I joined discord servers for fandoms I was in. One of these servers turned out to be dedicated to fucked up fanfiction and art of said fandom, which I didn't know before joining. The people there would share links and justify it by saying it was all fictional and could help cope with trauma. Naively, I believed them and began consuming the content they shared. I went down exactly the same path I had as when I was a child.

At 17 it was the main content I was watching. Lolicon, bestiality, rape and incest (although those last two were all fantasy videos as far as I know), piss, you name it. One time I wandered onto the deep web wanting to find videos of people my age, 16- 17 year olds. I now know it's fucked up but at the time I justified it by saying it was okay because they were the same age as me. The first link I clicked on had CP of a young child. I felt sad and numb and it didn't arouse me. I exited out of the page, clicked on a couple more links- same thing. So I eventually just closed the tab and uninstalled TOR. I didn't really know how to navigate the deep web and I thought that you wouldn't come across that stuff unless you were actively looking for it. A couple weeks later I tried to kill myself in part due to the things I had seen on there.

This incident seemed to have completely killed all interest I had in porn in general. I say "seemed" because again my brain completely erased any memory of the things I had seen on TOR and the fucked up porn I'd watched beforehand. I haven't consumed anything other than normal, vanilla porn since then. I've had no issues with PMO.

However, a couple months ago all those memories came crashing back down on me. I suffer extreme anxiety and guilt over the content I consumed to the point that I failed all my classes this semester. My drug and alcohol abuse problems have also gotten much worse. I get flashbacks of the stuff I saw. I feel like a fundamentally broken person and all the things I did have turned me into a monster for good. If any normal person were to hear of the things I got off to they would shun me. I don't deserve the love of my friends or family. I want to tell everybody about this so they'll find out who I really am and leave me. I can barely interact with them without feeling intense guilt and shame.

I know this is a case of escalation and a result of porn addiction, and due to the sexual abuse I suffered as child. At the time I genuinely believed that this content wasn't morally repugnant. I've never actually felt attracted to those things in real life or been compelled to act them out. But that still doesn't make it okay. People would still hate me if I told them. Even on here I'm on the extreme end- I honestly get jealous when people say that their extreme is for example transgender or bbw porn.

I can't change the past, so at this point I feel like my only option is suicide. It's what I deserve for what I've watched. I don't recognize the person that looked at all those things but at the end of the day it was still me and I still made those decisions. I just can't let go of the guilt and shame even if it's been more than a year since. This will haunt me for the rest of my life and I just don't know if I'll be able to bear it.
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I’m not going to even pretend to understand you. You’ve had a tough life so far and there’s no way I can fully comprehend what you’ve been through. But I’ll say this:

You need to forgive yourself. You’re not the person you once were. You have to move on, accept the things you can’t change and change the things you can. Even if you were still looking at those, from my personal perspective (although it’s irrelevant) that wouldn’t even come close justifying suicide. There’s so much more to a person than just that. You’re young and things went to shit. But you absolutely can get up from this. I know you don’t think so at the moment but there’s a whole life ahead of you that’s unwritten.

If you ever need someone to message hmu
 
Do you mind if I share with you a Bible verse?

Matthew 9:12-13

"When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.” Then he added, “Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices. For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."

I am sharing this verse because I am a sick person with a past full of pornography. But Jesus is like a doctor to us, the sick.

You can find freedom from guilt and forgiveness for these past sins through Jesus. I feel many of the suicidal thoughts we have due to guilt is because we compare ourselves with others and this can lead to self condemnation if we feel we have many sins.

I honestly believe if you tell God what you are suffering, talk to him about your suicidal thoughts and tell him what you have done, you will find peace, forgiveness and help through him.

Society and the world at large do not forgive. We are quick to shun and stigmatise. But Jesus offers completely free forgiveness for whosoever comes to him because when he died on the cross, he died for everyones sins mine and yours included. We just need to believe in simple faith that he did that for us.
 
Hey, thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear what you had to go through in your life. I understand that you feel extremely broken for watching the stuff you did, and in some ways this is true, but I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Childhood is an important part of a person's psychological development and it's easy to see how sexual abuse normalized such behavior in your mind, which made you seek it.

You say that you are jealous of those of us who don't have such extreme tendencies, and sure enough, it's not as traumatizing, but you seem to think we are better than you. We aren't. I sought nudes of people my age on Tor when I was younger just like you. I ended up at cp like you and almost went to find and share some to gain access to more. I backed out not because I acknowledged it's fucked up like you did, but because I realized it would be too risky. I looked for some more, but ended up finding videos of dead people instead, traumatizing myself and finally giving up. I took advantage of a 14 y.o. girl when I was 17 and got nudes out of her. I shared pictures of my sister with a person I never saw in real life. There are many, many people out there who share nudes or even videos of their ex's, sisters, wives online, who put hidden cameras into changing rooms or toilets, who do all of this fucked up stuff to other people just to get off. Do you truly think we are in any way better than you? Some of us might be less traumatized, but that's about it.

You also say that you can't change the past, and so you feel like suicide is the only way you can assume responsibility. That's not true. We can't change the past, but we can change the future. You can become better than what you seem to have been condemned to be. I personally know what it's like to feel inferior to others, to feel like harsh treatment from others is actually deserved, to feel like by committing suicide you would make the world a better place. But your suicide will only cause more pain, because you will inevitably deeply hurt your parents and friends by killing yourself. I know how hard it can be and it's not my intention to convince you that you would somehow be a terrible person for committing suicide. But if your parents and friends love you as you say and you can find at least some strength to hold on and to fight this, please, don't give up!
 
alltaf00 said:
19f. I think this could be considered NSFL, not sure. I don't really know what I want with this post. Maybe just to vent to people that understand. I know this is a long post but please read it, I'm desperate for any sort of help at this point and it doesn't look like therapy is an option for the foreseeable future.

I went through various forms of sexual abuse from ages 6-9 which lead me to develop hypersexual behavior as a young child. I was always curious about the internet so naturally started googling those things. At age 8 I came across and began reading smut fanfictions and comics of the most depraved things possible. Rape, underage/loli stuff, bestiality, scat, incest, etc. This completely warped my perception of sex even more. I began having extreme fantasies about myself and people I knew at that age too. Things like me or my friends being raped by teachers, fantasizing about my friends families engaging in orgies with each other, our school being turned into a brothel for adults, etc. Sometimes I'd even act out the things I had read, like with piss or poop, and even once with a cat. This was all before age 10. I got sexually abused once by a relative around that time too.

At that time I started getting into real life porn. Mostly started vanilla. Obviously it very quickly evolved into gangbangs, gloryholes, bdsm, and more. I remember watching Whitney Wisconsin's video justifying having sex with dogs and also stumbling onto a zoophile forum saying similar things- being a child, it made me think that having sex with animals was okay. I even got convinced that it's legal. Thankfully I never actually did anything with animals but I remember coming across a couple actual bestiality videos at around 11-12 and getting off on them.

I seem to have blocked out all the porn I watched between 12-16. I can't remember any of it. I'm not sure if it was normal or extreme. But at age 16 I got sexually assaulted and it seems to have stunned me back into this sexual depravity. Covid hit around the same time. Being isolated in lockdown, I joined discord servers for fandoms I was in. One of these servers turned out to be dedicated to fucked up fanfiction and art of said fandom, which I didn't know before joining. The people there would share links and justify it by saying it was all fictional and could help cope with trauma. Naively, I believed them and began consuming the content they shared. I went down exactly the same path I had as when I was a child.

At 17 it was the main content I was watching. Lolicon, bestiality, rape and incest (although those last two were all fantasy videos as far as I know), piss, you name it. One time I wandered onto the deep web wanting to find videos of people my age, 16- 17 year olds. I now know it's fucked up but at the time I justified it by saying it was okay because they were the same age as me. The first link I clicked on had CP of a young child. I felt sad and numb and it didn't arouse me. I exited out of the page, clicked on a couple more links- same thing. So I eventually just closed the tab and uninstalled TOR. I didn't really know how to navigate the deep web and I thought that you wouldn't come across that stuff unless you were actively looking for it. A couple weeks later I tried to kill myself in part due to the things I had seen on there.

This incident seemed to have completely killed all interest I had in porn in general. I say "seemed" because again my brain completely erased any memory of the things I had seen on TOR and the fucked up porn I'd watched beforehand. I haven't consumed anything other than normal, vanilla porn since then. I've had no issues with PMO.

However, a couple months ago all those memories came crashing back down on me. I suffer extreme anxiety and guilt over the content I consumed to the point that I failed all my classes this semester. My drug and alcohol abuse problems have also gotten much worse. I get flashbacks of the stuff I saw. I feel like a fundamentally broken person and all the things I did have turned me into a monster for good. If any normal person were to hear of the things I got off to they would shun me. I don't deserve the love of my friends or family. I want to tell everybody about this so they'll find out who I really am and leave me. I can barely interact with them without feeling intense guilt and shame.

I know this is a case of escalation and a result of porn addiction, and due to the sexual abuse I suffered as child. At the time I genuinely believed that this content wasn't morally repugnant. I've never actually felt attracted to those things in real life or been compelled to act them out. But that still doesn't make it okay. People would still hate me if I told them. Even on here I'm on the extreme end- I honestly get jealous when people say that their extreme is for example transgender or bbw porn.

I can't change the past, so at this point I feel like my only option is suicide. It's what I deserve for what I've watched. I don't recognize the person that looked at all those things but at the end of the day it was still me and I still made those decisions. I just can't let go of the guilt and shame even if it's been more than a year since. This will haunt me for the rest of my life and I just don't know if I'll be able to bear it.
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Wish I had magic words was driving car , and my mother was passenger , another car ran into us , and she passed. Even though an accident and not my fault blamed myself , wanted to do same , watched porn night before and though my poor morals was the blame! I survived , sexual assault is not your fault . The world needs you ! Get some help
And make the world better !
 
alltaf00 said:
19f. I think this could be considered NSFL, not sure. I don't really know what I want with this post. Maybe just to vent to people that understand. I know this is a long post but please read it, I'm desperate for any sort of help at this point and it doesn't look like therapy is an option for the foreseeable future.

I went through various forms of sexual abuse from ages 6-9 which lead me to develop hypersexual behavior as a young child. I was always curious about the internet so naturally started googling those things. At age 8 I came across and began reading smut fanfictions and comics of the most depraved things possible. Rape, underage/loli stuff, bestiality, scat, incest, etc. This completely warped my perception of sex even more. I began having extreme fantasies about myself and people I knew at that age too. Things like me or my friends being raped by teachers, fantasizing about my friends families engaging in orgies with each other, our school being turned into a brothel for adults, etc. Sometimes I'd even act out the things I had read, like with piss or poop, and even once with a cat. This was all before age 10. I got sexually abused once by a relative around that time too.

At that time I started getting into real life porn. Mostly started vanilla. Obviously it very quickly evolved into gangbangs, gloryholes, bdsm, and more. I remember watching Whitney Wisconsin's video justifying having sex with dogs and also stumbling onto a zoophile forum saying similar things- being a child, it made me think that having sex with animals was okay. I even got convinced that it's legal. Thankfully I never actually did anything with animals but I remember coming across a couple actual bestiality videos at around 11-12 and getting off on them.

I seem to have blocked out all the porn I watched between 12-16. I can't remember any of it. I'm not sure if it was normal or extreme. But at age 16 I got sexually assaulted and it seems to have stunned me back into this sexual depravity. Covid hit around the same time. Being isolated in lockdown, I joined discord servers for fandoms I was in. One of these servers turned out to be dedicated to fucked up fanfiction and art of said fandom, which I didn't know before joining. The people there would share links and justify it by saying it was all fictional and could help cope with trauma. Naively, I believed them and began consuming the content they shared. I went down exactly the same path I had as when I was a child.

At 17 it was the main content I was watching. Lolicon, bestiality, rape and incest (although those last two were all fantasy videos as far as I know), piss, you name it. One time I wandered onto the deep web wanting to find videos of people my age, 16- 17 year olds. I now know it's fucked up but at the time I justified it by saying it was okay because they were the same age as me. The first link I clicked on had CP of a young child. I felt sad and numb and it didn't arouse me. I exited out of the page, clicked on a couple more links- same thing. So I eventually just closed the tab and uninstalled TOR. I didn't really know how to navigate the deep web and I thought that you wouldn't come across that stuff unless you were actively looking for it. A couple weeks later I tried to kill myself in part due to the things I had seen on there.

This incident seemed to have completely killed all interest I had in porn in general. I say "seemed" because again my brain completely erased any memory of the things I had seen on TOR and the fucked up porn I'd watched beforehand. I haven't consumed anything other than normal, vanilla porn since then. I've had no issues with PMO.

However, a couple months ago all those memories came crashing back down on me. I suffer extreme anxiety and guilt over the content I consumed to the point that I failed all my classes this semester. My drug and alcohol abuse problems have also gotten much worse. I get flashbacks of the stuff I saw. I feel like a fundamentally broken person and all the things I did have turned me into a monster for good. If any normal person were to hear of the things I got off to they would shun me. I don't deserve the love of my friends or family. I want to tell everybody about this so they'll find out who I really am and leave me. I can barely interact with them without feeling intense guilt and shame.

I know this is a case of escalation and a result of porn addiction, and due to the sexual abuse I suffered as child. At the time I genuinely believed that this content wasn't morally repugnant. I've never actually felt attracted to those things in real life or been compelled to act them out. But that still doesn't make it okay. People would still hate me if I told them. Even on here I'm on the extreme end- I honestly get jealous when people say that their extreme is for example transgender or bbw porn.

I can't change the past, so at this point I feel like my only option is suicide. It's what I deserve for what I've watched. I don't recognize the person that looked at all those things but at the end of the day it was still me and I still made those decisions. I just can't let go of the guilt and shame even if it's been more than a year since. This will haunt me for the rest of my life and I just don't know if I'll be able to bear it.
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I want you to know that I forgive you.

Please don't kill yourself. You made mistakes, but you don't deserve to die.

I'm so sorry that you experienced sexual violence as a child.
 
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It’s not your fault that any of this happened. You need to first understand that. You were a child when those horrible things happened to you. And as a result your sexual development was skewed and twisted out of shape. But you are not broken and most importantly you are among people who care about you and want to see you get past all of PMO/MO that many of us have / had used as mechanism for various reasons, whether it was coping with trauma or trying to figure out who we were as people sexually. Again, to reiterate, you are not broken. You are not worthless. And this is not your fault. Draw close to God and ask for His help. Stay in these forums and take what you need from all of us to get on the path to healing.
 
Blacklist7589 said:
Please remember that you are valued and loved. Nothing that has happened to you makes you any less of a person. The fact that you have endured that level of trauma and are still here is a display of how strong you truly are. Keep going if not for others then for yourself. Seeking counseling and assistance does not make you weak, it makes you strong for acknowledging that we all need a hand to hold sometimes.
You’ve. Got. This
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Nothing anything or anywhere has done to you is ever worth taking your own life (suicide).. cause when your alive even with all the pain you have one thing and dats hope, something a dead person hasn't... I'm new here ND I also have my own problems, we all do ... But we all share the hope together that we can change.. I know it's not easy but I recommend you share all this with a trusted friend or family member... You never know
 
Definitely talk to someone trustworthy. I had huge guilt over something in high school and was always felt so ashamed and guilty and finally talked to a friend & it eventually got to where I could bring it up to pretty much anybody. You haven't hurt anyone but yourself and feeling guilty shows you have compassion for others.
 
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