Having a *hard* time

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by fadedfidelity, Dec 19, 2019.

  1. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    May have TRIGGERS*** Read with caution.

    Pun intended. Need both male and female input here to help me.

    Is it typical for a man (without porn addiction) to lose an erection every time during sex when going from one position to the next? We are talking SECONDS here...not minutes to move into the next. Super hard to nothing in seconds. I have not experienced this in past relationships. And for reference, we are in our very early 40's.

    Also something to note, it always happens when we move from doggy to missionary. (Which is why I take it personally.) Before you say "It has nothing to do with you" or "Don't take it personally" or "It could be related to stress" --Imagine how you would feel if your girlfriend/wife had the issue of her vagina shutting completely closed and tight (after being open and wet) within seconds of seeing your face during sex! Try not to take that personally and get extremely depressed!
    This is personal and it is not superficial and it is a red flag. I know this. He has a fetish for butts and anal porn, which is why we avoided it in the beginning of recovery. Since we started to re-introduce it and do it more often this problem has become more frequent.

    It is really, really triggering me and causing me to feel unattractive and sad. So sad that I couldn't continue when it happened this last time. I tried not to let it show and didn't want to make him feel bad, but it is too much for me to handle and I started to cry. (I didn't let him see it and excused myself to the bathroom.)

    This issue makes me think that he has relapsed and not told me and is hiding it. Before this, he had been super hard and turned on since getting better. He would always lose hardness when he was actively addicted.
    I love him and want to be with him, but I want to avoid sex now knowing how it will end and how it will make me feel. Not worth it. Sex makes me sad and anxious lately. I hate feeling this way!
     
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  2. Sounds like he has either relapsed or is still in process of rebooting to me.
     
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  3. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Why wouldn’t you let him see you cry? Why wouldn’t you straight up ask him if he’s relapsed?
     
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  4. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Both good questions. I think we men really need to see how we are impacting our partners.

    I had a long and difficult conversation about sex with my partner last night and felt like kicking myself after for not having the b*lls to bring it up sooner. Why? Because I learned once again how my sexual issues were causing grief on her end. :( And . . . most of that grief was unnecessary. It was mostly borne of misunderstandings (and lack of communication).

    Also, as a man, I can say that it is really, really hard to admit that I relapsed with masturbation (even though there was no porn or fantasy involved, they were just sad little "slips" that happened in the shower). I imagine that maybe she'd just rather not know and I fear that she'd be hurt somehow. Yet, part of me longs to tell her that I slipped because then she might better understand why things have been off lately.
     
  5. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I just don’t expect my husband to read my mind and I definitely don’t hide what I’m feeling or thinking, lol. But I was raised in a family that talked about everything!
     
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  6. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I don’t expect him to read my mind. I am not playing drama games either. The reason I didn’t want to discuss it right then and let him see me cry was because I don’t want to get into it right now. This week things for me are extremely busy and stressful with Christmas orders. (I have my own wood shop business.) Besides, in the past when he saw me cry nothing good came of it and it just made me feel like a fool. I also know crying during sex is a terrible thing to do to your partner—good luck getting that out of your head! I will talk to him about it tomorrow. BUT in the meantime I wanted to vent my feelings and I wanted to get other men’s input about how the male anatomy typically works since I do not have a penis. If my husband isn’t being honest I will know and shit will get real quick.
     
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  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Totally get the extra stress this time of year! Lol. I wasnt attacking you, I was just genuinely curious why you wouldn’t cry in front of him or ask him if he had slipped. It wouldn’t occur to me to go cry in private. Plus I wouldn’t have the self control to not blurt out asking If he had relapsed.
     
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  8. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    Hey, something I'm actually qualified to answer, I have a penis, go me!

    First let me say how unfortunate that you are struggling, you are going through this. It must be humiliating to feel like you are the reason for his loss of his erection. I am so sorry.

    The real truth is it isn't bump between his legs going soft, it's the 3lb organ between our ears that is failing. It's brain control and focus that actually keep us hard.

    That being said, there are certainly blood vessels and nerves that respond to sensitivity and keep it erect. Stroking, resistance and textures etc. all contribute to the penis staying hard. Certain positions DO feel better.

    Often times during sex, what might be feeling great one minute changes and sensation is lost and we may not stay hard. So what. It is at this point our mind must take over and get lost in the moment again.

    Sex shouldn't be measured on the yardstick of erections and orgasms. It should be about connection and pleasuring the partner, exposing our vulnerability, and becoming satisfied.

    More than asking about relaspes and slips, (which indeed are crucial to know) it may be worthwhile to know if he is objectifying you during sex or fantasizing. What is his cerebral organ really doing? What are his goals for intercourse? What's really brain blocking him?

    As unnatural as it for me to say as an addict, my advice is, if you ever feel uncomfortable during sex or want to stop because of any pain (physical, emotional, psychological) he owes it to you to immediately stop and provide safety. You are under no obligation ever to satisfy him at your own expense. It is never helpful in the long run. And won't help his recovery. Do not suffer in silence. His penis is never in charge, where his heart should be.

    Take care of yourself, you are worth it.
     
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  9. engelman

    engelman Fapstronaut

    Doggy stlye was always the most exciting to me too but I also like the missionary because I love being able to look and kiss my wife's face.

    If he's in recovery, maybe he had some kind of relapse, or maybe it's stress ... who knows? you will never know if you don't share with him what's worrying you.

    I never had problems with losing my libido while making love, even though I used to PMO everyday even many times a day. We had (relatively) good sex but I had mild problems with DE. Only once (as long as I can remember) I had problems with ED ... and when my wife asked me if I didn't find her attractive anymore ... I felt so sad ... that it was me the one who ended up crying. I love her with all my heart, I always did. It wasn't her fault, it was mine.

    Ask him if something's wrong or is worrying him and try to deal with it as a couple. Maybe look for professional help if both agree on that.

    Good lovers have good sex. Good couples ... speak out about their "issues".
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2019
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