Having HOCD? Read This...

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by thel00ker, May 27, 2019.

  1. thel00ker

    thel00ker Fapstronaut

    When I was a teenager and I started using porn things escalated pretty quickly, I started using very frequently, and quickly things started getting out of control... I think we can all relate to this in NoFap.

    There was a point, I don't remember exacltly when, I started paying more attention to the men in the videos. I would pay attention to the muscles, and everything that represented masculinity in my head. I started becoming attracted to the stereotypical masculine men from porn videos. Self confident, good physique, good cock etc etc.

    I quickly realized about this new attraction, It was something I had felt before but porn was evidently influencing me into watching men, Eventually I started watching gay porn and got deeper into it, women were no longer in my attraction catalog.

    I started feeling anxious about this attraction, What was exactly wrong with me? I would open porn pages and check myself, am I still atracted to straight sex? can I still masturbate to it? Even though I tried my best, I couldn't , Straight sex was already behind me and this "stereotypical" male porn star represented my deepest desires.

    Worried, I looked on the internet for "gay thoughts after watching porn". and found this nieche of people, that were having the exact same attraction as me. I had something called HOCD. Not only that..my viewing patterns had "escalated" towards gay porn.

    "Homosexual Obsesive Compulsive Disorder" Sounded beautiful. When I was youger I had had OCD, I remember being something related to fear of disease, and I would wash my hands and check If I was ill constantly. "This is the same thing but with porn" I thought.

    So from that poing onwards, I realized these "gay Thoughts" were a product of that, The solution? Quitting porn. So I rationalized:
    "HOCD is linked to porn, If I quit porn then the gay thoughts will dissapear"
    I made a very big effort and this was more difficult than I thought, being a teenager and with lots of free time, internet and time alone, stopping porn was a very difficult task.

    I eventually called myself bisexual, the gay thoughts and attraction was very real, "the HOCD is getting out of control but I can't deny there is still attraction towards men."

    Flash forward some years, where I made a huge effort to improve myself, both physically and mentally I started getting control over myself and over my porn addiction, I wanted a girlfriend desperately, someone to love and spend time with, my parents were wondering when I was going to get one, all my friends were getting their own girl but sexuality for me was a struggle.

    Porn had clearly damaged me, I found evidence of this in NoFap and in thousands of people going through a very similar situation. But nevertheless I made a huge effort, I had sex with a girl for the first time at age 21, and after overcoming porn for 170 something days I met a girl with who I fell in love with.

    The relationship lasted 8 months and we had an amazing time, Sex was great after getting over my insecurities and struggles with getting an erection etc. My attraction towards men was tamed, HOCD was a thing of the past. If I ever felt attraction towards some guy, I understood that that was not a part of me, just a fantasy produced by extreme porn use. We broke up, we were not connecting enough.

    There was a night, where I met a guy that I connected with a lot, time slowed down a little, we talked about our lives and about what each of us were going through, He told me he was gay and asked me about my experience with men, I said none, but admitted I had thought a lot about it.

    When I was leaving his house, he kissed me and I felt a rush through all my body, it was beautiful, exciting, refreshing. Felt completely natural. In a matter of seconds my whole teenage and early 20's rushed in front of my mind.

    HOCD, damage in my head due to porn use, bad rewiring in my brain..... It was all.. an excuse. A justification and a rationalization about my real thoughts and desires. I definitely didn't wanted to be gay so I built this complicated story that explained everything.

    I remembered about the comments in nofap from people that said, "well If you have gay thoughts maybe you're gay" I remember avoiding them, looking over and searching for the evidence that justified my story. I had completely tricked myself in a spectacular way, all my intelect building this structure in order to be ok with my mind and my thoughts.

    I thought to other times of my life, even pre-porn years where I had felt attraction towards men, and I had simply ignored those situations.

    I think HOCD is real, it is a real condition where some people, start having some gay thoghts and in this surge of anxiety and fear they check If their attraction towards women is still there, and go to porn in order to check that.

    But gay thoughts, and specially the fear of being gay is something very similar to that and can be easily confused. I understand that I wasn't ready at that time but I wish I had been more true to myself. More sincere with my thoughts and feelings.

    Nowadays I call myself gay, I told some of my friends already, even some members of my family. I can't explain how beautiful it feels to be ok with my thoughts and in line with my desires. My thoughts about men now run fluently in my head, no rationalization, no avoidance. Just like some men think about women in their free time, I think about men, and I love doing it.
    After some initial fear, telling my friends was one of the most beautiful situations. I felt loved and supported by all of them.

    I love how simple now things are, attraction towards person A means attraction towards person A. Seems stupid but my life much simpler now that I acknowledge that.

    Porn is no longer an issue for me. Before it was a way to experiment my true sexuality, now I just do that in the real world, with great guys my age of older that are a pleasure to hang out with, have sex, relax and enjoy. I admit that I still sometimes use it. But its not a thing I do compulsively.

    If you read this far, and if you're having gay thoughts...think about my story, be sincere with yourself and ask if you're having a true connection with your desires. Relax, take your time, let things settle. Listen closely to what your brain is telling yourself, how true is it?

    Allow yourself to experiment, do it when you're ready, don't rush things, listen to your body, pay attention to what its telling you. Don't label your thoughts intensively, meditate and work on yourself both physically and mentally.

    This is just some advice I would have given to my younger self, mybe you can use it. Feel free to ask me anything.

    I'm 25 now, Gay and proud lol, I had my first experience with a guy like 8 months ago, and I can't belive the world I was missing. I wish you all you can all be true to yourselves and have a great day.
  2. Ok you got some clarity in the real world -fair enough-..but just because people have same sex fantasies doesn't make them gay or even bi -they might have had a traumatic experience (molested when younger) or sexualizing a need..

    and to further complicate things, one can HOCD AND some unwanted SSA- which maybe got exacerbated by porn.

    In short I think there is orientation -which most people figure out at a young age- and sexual tastes which might get skewed by life factors.
    this article @ YBOP explains the difference...

    You made your choice to identify as gay. Born that way is highly debatable at best.
    But you want people to respect your identity and freedom to choose that lifestyle.
    Very well, you should respect that many people have these feelings and fantasies -often the result or tied into childhood trauma- that they don't want to have anymore...

    They should have a right to pursue whatever course of treatment or healing they want.
    This site is one of the few that even allows the exchange of such ideas.
  3. forksnknives

    forksnknives Fapstronaut

    Thanks @thel00ker for that indepth and personal post. It was interesting reading about your journey of self discovery. I hope that this resonates with other people on here and they find direction from your experiences.
    thel00ker and PeacockS like this.
  4. theburrito

    theburrito Fapstronaut

    This is an extremely ignorant post.
  5. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    I mean not to be dismissive, but HOCD is a real thing whether you think it is or not, its a real branch of OCD. To say that its nothing more than an "agenda" created by homophobic people is more than a little bit silly and conspiratorial, and not really backed up by anything. You would never say to someone with crippling regular OCD that their problems arent real, so why say it about HOCD.

    As for SSA being part of the same agenda, SSA is just "Same Sex Attraction" is it not? How is being attracted to the same sex part of a homophobic agenda, that doesnt seem to make a lot of sense.
  6. Avenger21

    Avenger21 Fapstronaut

    For anyone's information, HOCD isn't some special separate condition, HOCD is OCD, "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" look it up. It's where the person gets intrusive thoughts and obsessive thoughts aided by constant anxiety and depression, in this case being homosexual and it has nothing to do with being homophobic or denying your sexuality. People use the term HOCD in order to identify their thoughts other than call it a separate disorder, cause it's not.

    And that's not all...there's ROCD-(Relationship OCD) OCD about not loving your partner, TOCD (Transexual OCD) OCD about being transexual, POCD (Pedophile OCD) OCD about being a pedophile, people get OCD about killing/raping their loved ones or jumping in front of trains, at the very end of the day it's all OCD and there's ways to treat such such as CBT therapy, mindfulness, ERP (Exposure Response).

    I use to have HOCD in the past and it was constant torture and I thought I was going insane and I have nothing against homosexuals and I very much support the LGBT community.
  7. PeacockS

    PeacockS Fapstronaut

    Those days are not far away when people will say "OMG ,I have peeing ocd" , "I have hygienic ocd", " I have sleeping ocd", "I have mobile ocd"..." I have self ocd", "I have hobby ocd" , ...and please put some other thing....I forgot to mansion.... No no...do one thing....relate every single aspects to ocd....then there will be no problem.
  8. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    Your initial post completely dismisses people with HOCD outright, then I and others comment disagreeing. You dont reply directly to us with any actual argument, and then post saying people on the thread are offended?


    Do you actually know what OCD is? I'm not trying to sound condescending here, but a lot of the types of OCD you mentioned already exist, and are real problems people suffer with every day. I dont understand the mindset of being on a site for porn addiction recovery and outright dismissing people with OCD, it just doesnt make sense!
  9. Avenger21

    Avenger21 Fapstronaut

    Can you please explain? Are you saying it doesn't exist(which it clearly does) just look it up. People can get OCD about anything. Why do you think they call it a disorder? Like I said at the end of the day we're talking ONE problem that have flavors to it and HOCD is an example of that.

    People are out here struggling with this disorder, and it ruins lives and in my opinion disregarding someone's internal pain all because you lack the knowledge of it is disrespectful in itself.

    You'll never hear me say that people with cancer are "overexaggerating" or "it's all in your head, it's not real" Same goes for any other illness/disorder out there, mental health is very important and should not be disregarded just because you don't identify with their pain.
    Last edited: May 28, 2019
  10. forksnknives

    forksnknives Fapstronaut

    I think that in some cases on here people use HODC too freely perhaps? The HODC that @Avenger21 and @AtomicTango describe is a million miles away from the 'oh, you're having gay thoughts, it must be HODC' that others seem to use.
  11. Pexton

    Pexton Fapstronaut

    Reading this topic, I only strengthened my anxiety. I do not think I would have anything to do with some of the things that have been written here (Denial, Sexual Attraction is the same sex) but it's always unpleasant to read such things when someone writes that your OCD is just a smokescreen and a figment. Tell this people who hade OCD thougts about kill the loved one (for example own child). Oh my God.....
    Last edited: May 28, 2019
    Supination and theburrito like this.
  12. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    This is very true, there are a lot of people on the site who I have seen as textbook examples of having HOCD, but also many who are simply misusing the term and arent really talking about HOCD, and are instead describing the process of porn escalation, amongst other things that are similar, but not really the same.
  13. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    This isn't the first time on this forum I have seen posts that seem to show a weirdly callous disregard for mental health issues, which I have always found odd considering the nature of the site itself. I try not to get baited into arguing with people on the internet because its usually pointless, but anything regarding mental health just sets me off, especially when I feel like I need to combat blatant ignorance on the topic.
  14. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    This is a really informed and balanced explanation of this topic. Thank you for your excellent post @Avenger21. :)
    Supination likes this.
  15. forksnknives

    forksnknives Fapstronaut

    Indeed! Or, they could of course, just be gay in waiting! Which is what the OP was getting at I believe. That some people shouldn't rule that possibility out.

    Yeah. Internet discussions have a way of going backwards and forwards! I'm guilty of it I'm sure. I've spoken to a couple of guys on here who seem really great at having an open mind on all fronts but there's no denying we all have our own bias'

    My concerns with the HODC label being used without actual evidence on a case by case basis on here is that users who are actually gay but haven't yet realised (it took me 18 years, for example) may go away believing they have a disorder and this could then add an indefinite amount of time onto them accepting themselves for who they are. I like the original post here as it's just a heads up to some users that the HODC thing isn't true of everyone in that position.
    thel00ker likes this.
  16. Avenger21

    Avenger21 Fapstronaut

    This is the only way people can learn the difference between HOCD and being gay.

    One causes obsessive and intrusive thoughts and doesn't experience attraction to the same sex, the other may be in self denial but deep inside is aware that he's homosexual as they experience same sex attraction.

    I understand what you're trying to say though as one with denial may use HOCD as an excuse to prove to themselves they're not gay, but still know they are gay and is just using it as some sort of comfort.
    Supination likes this.
  17. thel00ker

    thel00ker Fapstronaut

    Interesting discussion here, thanks to everyone who commented!

    I don't agree with this at all, I think HOCD is as real as any other OCD and people actually suffer deeply from these conditions. But as I try to clarify in the post, claiming I had HOCD was a great excuse for not looking into my real desires and explaining any gay thoughts. The idea of the post is for people that are having gay thoughts consider the possibility that they could be real and not a product of some disorder.
    Taking gay thoughts as something natural, will help you in both situations. If you're actually gay then you're getting closer to your true desires and if it is HOCD then you'll loose the anxiety factor these thoughts produce.

    Thanks for the clarification! thats completely true. Also I think sexual orientation covers a wide spectrum of attraction towards the same or opposite sex. Having gay or straight thoughts does not determine your course of action.
    I'm talking here about the effects of being true to my sexuality instead of bending it with my desires to be straight. This is my personal experience today, where I find myself allowing and enjoying my gay thoughts instead of repressing them or labelling them as if I had a disorder.

    I can tell english is not my first language when I read your post explaining HOCD.
    Thanks for the clarification man, I should add it to the original post.


    Thanks @forksnknives for your amazing input. Thats exactly right, The idea of this post is not to disregard any type of OCD at all, In fact I did have OCD when I was a kid and it was a very crappy and scary experience. But in hindsight I understand that in my teenage years I used this as an excuse in order to explain my gay thoughts and desires. I needed a way to rationalize all this and it was easier for me to say "well this is not because i'm gay, it's just because I have HOCD etc etc"
    I'm completely sure, that if I go back in time and tell myself "hey you're cheating yourself" I still wouldn't change my mind, I wanted that to be true.

    "A man in his own easiest dupe, for what he wishes to be true he generally believes to be true" - Demosthenes.

    Hey man! sorry If this increased your anxiety in any way. In my case the idea of being gay produced anxiety, and therefore my gay thoughts eventually produced anxiety. I don't think that was necessarily HOCD though. Thats my point, realizing that you're gay and having HOCD generate a similar experience. And in my case I chose to believe I had HOCD because it was more comfortable for me to do so.
    Whether it is case A or case B, Getting familiar with these thoughts and not taking them as something that have to be avoided will help. I'm just suggesting to pay attention more closely and allowing your thoughts and feelings to flow.

    @AtomicTango I could not agree more, I think my case is one of misuse of the term and a later understanding of what happened to me. The idea of the post is to show people that could be going through the same situation a different option of what is happening to them, even if it's not the one they want.

    Thanks to everyone that commented! I hope things got a little clearer...
  18. Avenger21

    Avenger21 Fapstronaut

    No problem, that'll be good. I feel as though alot of people that explain OCD aren't doing it specifically enough and that just causes more confusion. I've had HOCD for many years of my life so I know every in and out of it.
    I hope things get better for you soon and that you accept yourself completely.
    thel00ker likes this.
  19. arken3

    arken3 Fapstronaut

    Fair point to make. I also think some may experience HOCD. But it cannot be used to label those of us who actually are LGBT.

    Meditation seems to be the solution to practically everything! But also wanted to mention that bisexuality is something that is very confusing to people as well. I can't imagine how it feels, being gay myself, but that must be an entire extra level of difficulty. It may take a lot of introspection to understand what's you and what's society or P has imposed in your brain.

    You were a few years quicker than I on coming out and understanding/accepting yourself :). I hope by 35 I have the wonderful experience you had at 25. The point is getting to that level, and by sharing stories like yours, it helps the community strengthen, and helps those who are stuck see a different perspective.
    thel00ker likes this.
  20. thel00ker

    thel00ker Fapstronaut

    Thanks man!
    Meditatio for me has been very important, recognizing that my thoughts do not represent me and can also work against me is something very important to avoid lots of stress and anxiety.

    I'm glad you are going through the same process, we all take different times for each thing and its always good to get inspired from all kinds of people.

    Thanks for commenting :)

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