Having HOCD? Read This...

Key things about the author of the topic that differentiates him from the usual porn escalation and HOCD:

- He had the attraction to men before watching pornography
- His friends had girls and he thought he should too (maybe if he did not want to really)
- While watching straight porn he saw attractive men and quickly escalated towards gay porn.(Not for many years everyday fap activity and standard gradual escalation in search of dopamine by watching different things as long as they are taboo)
- He stopped being interested in women (not due to depression or loss of libido as it sometimes happens in HOCD standard stories)
- His sexual preferences surprised him and he mistook it for HOCD which about he read on the internet and thought he had it, even the some symptoms were different.
- It does not look like phobias as in the case of others where for example they want to be straight and they like it and men only see it as a threat that can take away your identity.
- Despite his initial pleasure, he did not fully find happiness in the heterosexual relationship and broke up.
- Without porn or sex with girl, instead of getting involved with another girl or stop having sex and go to a specialist (a psychologist or sexologist) he consciously joined a man and looks that he likes it (There is no remorse and depression on the contrary).
- He did not write that he had compulsions, a unwanted groinal response or intrusive thoughts like in standard cases of people with some kind of OCD.

I hope I have comforted everyone with HOCD who felt uncomfortable ( That maybe they are someone who they do not want to be) after reading this story.

 

Couldn't agree more.
Someone with HOCD Knows he's straight simply because he was attraced to females before porn. Even though he lost his attraction due to HOCD and porn escelation, He's still romanticlly attracted to females and can't imagine himself in a romantic relationship with a guy.
A gay guy just knows he's gay.
It's clearly that the Dude who made the thread was in self denial. He was using HOCD as an excuse and he even said so.
There's nothing Homophobic in HOCD. It's just the fear and endless thoughts of being something you just deeply inside know your not.
I too, suffered from HOCD, It's terrible. seeing posts here about saying that it's not real is just painful to watch. Many here are suffering from this terrible thing and posts like this might make their anxiety much worse.
I have nothing against gays, My bro is gay and I support the LGBTQ community.

 

Hello. I created an account just for this topic. Because it's been a couple of years I've been struggling with HOCD or whatever it is and maybe this topic may help me. It will be a long story of my life, if you please read this I'll appreciate.

For the ones who doesn't want to read; If you watched SHAME the movie which had lead role Michael Fassbender. Thats me. Except I never experimented with a man, and I don't sleep with escorts or prostitues. I only sleep with girls from Tinder or etc.

When I was 8 or 9 years old me and one of my male friends who was at same age with me, experienced with each other. It was a child mistake I remember we were thinking it as a "practice for sex with girls in future". We didn't do any extreme things just touching each others penis or kissing it etc. It was just a one time thing but we did it like 2 or 3 times in the total.

After that teenager years etc. I lived a straight life until I was 13 or 14. I always attracted to females nothing towards men. But a little difference I was experimenting minor anal stuff. In those years I was so alone couldn't find a girlfriend and I escape that by masturbating.
When I was 17, I got my first girlfriend in my life and had sex for the first time. But I was still so sad becacuse I didn't like her. I hated her personality and her body. I was always fantasizing about girls with good bodies. I also have a huge foot fetish and was shy to tell her. So I dated her 3 years, I hated every moment, sex was unsatisfactory I've started masturbating a lot and at that time I started to masturbate transexual porn.

After couple of months we broke up and I thought I hated relationships not that girl so I started hanging out with a lot of girls. But at the sime time I was constantly masturbating and started to fap to gay porn also with transexuals.

When that happened I started to think I was bisexual. But nothing in a man was attractive to me. I was just focusing on penis in porn and penetration. I tried to find my real desires but I never had to think it more than 5 min because I was compeletely dull agains man and so it never was a thing to worry for me. I was having relationships, hook ups. Never had any problem with girls or being erect, always attracted to women.

After years passed like this. Masturbation continued but there was a problem. I was living with my family and didn't know that was keeping me under control.
When I was 25 I moved to my personal apartment.

And hell, everything went really bad after that. I mixed smoking marijuana with masturbating. And started to masturbate 10 times in a day. After that when I try to quit marijuana I noticed that even normal cigarettes were turning me on (like quarter of marijuana) and I was constantly masturbating. But in the same time I kept having sex with girls.
Did you watch "Shame", Michael Fassbender. I was that guy. Masturbating constantly, having sex with random girls (Not hookers or escorts) from tinder.
And the bad part, my penis obsession went really really far. I tried to find some guy from tinder but I couldn't acted on anything.

Because in real life when I was near a man, I never felt anything. This made me question myself everytime "lets look at that guy in the next room and try to get aroused or something" When I was watching porn I never focused on a guys body or face or something. They just doesn't have any meaning for me but only penis.
I was constantly watching porn and masturbating, and the videos I watch were like sometimes fully woman stuff sometimes fully penis stuff. I was watching REVERSE FEMALE POV videos to feel like sucking a penis or something.

Before years I wasn't so obsessed with blowjob thoughts. It was just something I masturbate to occasionally but now I feel like if I never do this before I die, it would be a loss. And when I try to do it with a men that just makes me cringe. I bought a dildo and do it with that and that felt really good. But when I had that dildo, my masturbation count went really far and I stopped doing anything else so I dumped it in the trash.

Yes I used past tense but this is me now. I'm still struggling and trying to quit porn, masturbating. Everytime I make a 15 days or something I get aroused and think "this thing will never go away dude" and start masturbating again. I'm in need of love in my life and talking to couple of girls but I'm so afraid that I blew those relationships with this addiction.
Maybe if I was just gay or bi or I don't know just able to feel anything towards a man, find their body sexy or something this would be much easier. This is the reason I think I'm not gay or bi, if I was gay or bi I should've been feeling something against men or attracted to them.

In overall I think this is something happened to me because of that first experience in my child years and that made me a masturbation addict and that moved me on to this situtation. If there is people like me maybe you can read and feel together.

 

First, Welcome to this forum! You should congratulate yourself for beginning a new way and fight against the devil(porn and brain)

Second, I'd recommend you to open a a new thread with the same post. just copy paste. in order for it to be more noticable.


Third, high five to a fellow feet fetish person!

Fourth, Your'e straight. You said so yourself. You have HOCD, you can explore it in this forum. THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE HERE with this problem. Your'e not alone mate, Don't worry. Your'e not attracted to men and you succesfuly had sex with women with no erection problems.
Just ask yourself if you can see yourself in a romantic relationship with a guy.
You've been extremely brainwashed by porn. masturbating 10 times a day is a shortcut to hell.
Stop with porn NOW!
It'll take time for your brain to rewire, You damaged it real bad. It might take weeks, might take months, might take years, no one knows and it doesn't matter. dont think about it and just have hope and patience.
I wouldn't act on your new fetishes since they're Porn-Induced and addictions. They can only harm you.

Thank you for sharing! Good luck!

 

I would also say some stuff about my foot fetish.

I think it's also got a weird way with my porn addiction.
I've always been a foot fetish. Even when I was a little boy.

I've had a lot of sexual encounters in my life. Maybe 50+ I always had stuff with those girls feet.
But there is something weird about it and it become more and more excessive.

The things you'll write now will be really funny for some of you. But I still want to share.
I have a thing about smelly women feet. If they're not smelly I really lose my interest after some kisses on them. But if they're really really bad smelly I hate it.
But the weird part is I fantasize about really really bad smelly feet while I masturbate. But in real life it's unbearable and can't even get close.

I think this is also something porn had done to me. And sometimes I think if I encounter with a penis that will be a disappointment for me like those smelly feet.

 

For years, I thought porn had made me a more manly guy who would know how to please women. But all this turned out to be a trap. Lower self-confidence, very little testosterone (I have had a hormonal problem since I grew up) and after many years also escalation to strange and unwanted things meant that I had no opportunity to have sex. I hope that after changes in my life, I will finally stop being a virgin and sleep with a few girls. Then I will find this little one, my love and we will be a family, children will be born and I will have someone to live for. I do not want bad things to take away my dreams. Maybe there is still a chance for me.

 

Generally yes BUT.. Porn can skew tastes /escalation and also people can have unwanted sexual 'fantasies' of all kinds that are not healthy but ways of coping - BSDM for example, sissy porn is another - these probably represent some unmet need AND are escalated by porn AND are sexualizing other needs (like eating to end anxiety - not healthy!)
for example sissy porn does not mean you're a sissy - it may mean you have a self confidence problem you need to work on...

Many women have rape fantasies it does not mean the want to be raped.
Men might have gay 'fantasies' that are alluring because they are taboo breaking - does not not mean they are 'gay' or 'repressed'.

How many posters here have escalated to transexual porn ?

A good indicator for me at least is what do you like on the street ? Do you look at guys (that is different then worried that you might be looking at guys sexually) are you not interested in women (or did the interest stop

Fantasizing is NOT your core sexual tastes, IMOP, it's your head manufacturing porn for you...

 

Yes this makes sense, and it's a reasonable course of action for some here... but as we all know PMO can muddy the waters!

I more think about 'healthy' sexual tastes - the ones that conform to your sense of self and 'unhealthy' sexual tastes (not saying gay=unhealthy, this could be BSDM, a fetish that skews your relationships, etc) which is usually using sex for some unmet non sexual need or repeating a childhood trauma.

it's like healthy eating and unhealthy eating.

 

I agree, thought to clarify I never said nor thought that porn couldn't influence your tastes (trust me, that's why I'm even on Nofap) I just wanted to focus on HOCD and Homosexuality specifically. Thanks for the additional post, it really helps.

 

I think that if a guy does not have gay tendencies , through the long-term porn using and escalation he just spends his mind and makes him confused (he should look for a specialist or forums like this). Unfortunately, this is often associated with depression, being found guilty and disgust for yourself and sometimes suicidal thoughts (I have heard about such cases, also i have started to have them myself). He have to understand the whole mechanism that led him to escalate ( Chase of dopamine). As I have HOCD before the escalation and now (stronger than ever), it is especially terrible for me. But I started a reboot today and I hope that everything will go back. Will this happen?

 

I'm still in the stages of reboot myself so I don't have advice there, you should find someone that had at least months of experience, but they say the brain reboots as you continue to stay away from porn.

HOCD is kinda the same but different. HOCD is OCD so it feeds on your worst nightmares (Being a different sexuality for example). The best way to weaken it is to stop ALL compulsions, no reassurance, no ruminations. You have to let the thoughts sit there and wait for it to go away on their own. The more you feed it(giving it attention), the longer it will stay, that's how it works.

I have OCD too and I'm still struggling with it, so I know how it feels. Try reading some self help books, I'm reading "The Mindfulness Workbook For OCD": https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Mindfulness_Workbook_for_OCD.html?id=wLxEAgAAQBAJ

I would suggest buying it online, so far it's pretty good and an alternative to therapy if you can't afford it.

Watch Ali Greymond's videos here: https://www.youtube.com/user/YOUHAVEOCD she's also experienced OCD and she gives great tips on how to deal with it.

 

Hello everybody,

Introduction
I am a student of 23 years, I developed a hocd , before that i was really happy in my life; know i don't know who i'am and i don't like life.

Porn problem
I used to eat a lot of porn, i started at the age of 13 when a friend show me some porn videos, at my 20yo i started to go into more and more hard porn, until the day i fell into transwoman porn and it excited me i do not know why while before it was disgusting me,
Yesterday i watch porn zoophile with a man fucking a mare and it excited me and i'am shame of this, am I excited by animals ? I'd like to know who i'am because i do not know who i'am anymore, before this i was a really normal guys who is enjoying life, now i'am anxious and don't trust myself, i even think to commit suicide because i can not do anymore why all this shit excites me.
And the biggest problem is that i can't forgot this all the day i think about this why i was excited and it puts all my life in question,
I would have dreamed ofnever having seen that and being the boy I was

 

As a gay man, this line made me chuckle. I can't speak for all, but I know many of us have enormously complicated issues we are dealing with. When you were 17, you had sex with a girl. I was trying to figure out how to change my sexuality and decided to 1) never have sex at all and 2) pray and think really hard about being straight.

The point is, there is no quick answer like "oh, if only I were gay/bi/straight". The problems are not that simple. They are a manifestation of distortion caused by (any) porn, and our internal rejection of ourselves. The only way to resolve these problems is to decide to change, commit to the challenges, and be healthy (eating,meditation,socializing,etc).

 

What you did does not define who you are. It's something you watched. Your brain is wired to be aroused when viewing sex, so that's going to happen. The problem is we get addicted by repeating the porn over and over.

Don't question your life based on this. Life is all about making mistakes. Take control of your life today and going forward, and use this as a life lesson to steer you.

 

I think i am struggling with same issues similar to what people describe as regarding to HOCD.
Since i was a kid i was liked girls , physically and emotionally and i still do.
But being addicted to porn and escalating in the genres that i was watching has really damaged my ability to interact properly with women and have any sexual or intimate relations with them.
Watching transwoman porn at first was disgusting but i was curious so i kept watching it , getting aroused and after a few years i tried having sex with them. Some were prostitues and some weren't , i kissed a few , had mutual oral sex with them but never any penetration. It felt very taboo so making it sexy and hot in that way , but a lot of these encounters i felt very bad and wrong about what i was doing during the act or after it , it's like getting a feeling of it isn't me or what i am attracted to , i just wanted to act out on the porn fantasies but they it wasn't possible because porn isn't real.
Then i started watching gay porn , few years later i started meeting with men , even a couple of crossdressers.
I tried kissing a crossdresser but i felt so grossed out , was horny and fucked 2 of them but one i couldn't cum , and again the thoughts crept during or after the act.
The other men i have been with all just performed oral on me.
But just like the transwoman experiences the gay experiences had something in common , it felt wrong in the sense of it's not me. It was always about getting a sexual release , something quick , available and not to pay for it.
I couldn't see myself and still can't in a relationship with a transwoman or a man , kissing and cuddling...
I want a woman , but they require so much effort that it was such an easy way to turn into men and transwomen who are also always horny and looking for quick sex.
I think HOCD is real , porn addiction that causes sexual taste changes is real.
You have to take a look at your behavior and see , are you doing it just because you're horny and you want to cum? or you actually feel romantically attracted to the opposite sex?
Anyways these are my 2 cents , i don't imply im wrong or right , just my opinion and my story.

 

Anyone who has hocd is best helped by accepting themselves as gay whether it's true or not. Those who do have ocd will soon find the thought amusing or even ridiculous because they will realize it's not who they truly are.
You need to stay away from porn though because it can definitely trick you into believing you are gay or turning gay through a process called desensitization.

 

I think that man addicted to porn, if he does not have sexual inclination to the guys after the escalation he will simply masturbate to such gay porn as to many other strong contents that he would not use earlier. In real life, although he does not touch a guy he will have a hell of doubt and remorse. Hence only a step to depression and suicidal thoughts. Of course also to the loss of libido, relationship with a girl, meetings with friends, etc. After 11 years of using hard pornography I started to escalate to gay porn (but also transexual and Zoofilia). It was only now that I understood that for all these years I was in brutal addiction that was constantly going forward, but I did not see it. Yesterday I started a reboot and I will pray that everything will work well for me. It is a pity that I had not thought about it before, I would save myself many days of wandering in the valley of suffering and fear.

 

this is known(i think) as 'exposure' or 'acceptance' therapy - but i think the 'method' is to expose yourself to gay people or a gay bar or a gay event... it may seem like a unnecessary distinction but accepting that you are gay is changing your self identity - and for example gay/coming out advice might say something like 'well if you don't like gay sex the first time try it with someone else' whereas exposure therapy you're not accepting a universal you're just getting less anxious about the idea ...

the other way is to accept the feelings or urges (this is not OCD but more SSA and/or p/m related) describe the body sensation (when i get this urge i feel a tingling in my spine ) accept that you have the feeling - don't get anxious or guilty or worries... and let them pass..

 

I feel like the main character of the horror movie, "The Fly" with Jeff Goldblum which the scientist transforms into a monster through his experiment (but the mutation continues gradually). First I was delighted with the changes (I felt masculine, I admired women who were beautiful and I could see everything), then I began to notice some strange things (I start watching various combinations of people (diffrent races but this was interesting) , but then started to watch the sex of old people with young or ordinary people and midgets) but when I understood what is happening (Escalation to the things that I did not want - trans , gay) i find that I was diffrent than at the beginning ( Now for me for exampe it would be important that sex should be performered by people which do not completly match for each other ) But unlike him (main character of this movie) , I probably have a chance to return to who I was once. I hope that others will help me with they own testimony of reboot, just as I will help others one day, once after healing process woud be completed (Hopefully). Cheers.

 

You're right, That's basiclly a CBT treatment for HOCD and anxieties.
There's no need to accept that you're gay and straight as well. You should just stop with labeling, otherwise you'll always try to prove yourself as straight with keep checking girls all the time. that's bad, it'll make your HOCD even worse.
Best thing to do is to accept that you have that HOCD and working on how to live with it.
as you said, exposure might be wierd and scary for most of the people who suffers from HOCD but it's good because you're dealing with your fear and you find out that being gay is not as bad as we thought and it's becoming normal to us hence were getting less anxious about the idea.