Having scruples and living with guilt and shame

Dear QuiggyG,

I have also suffered a lot with scruples in my sacramental and spiritual life. Here I send you these resources that can help you. The website scrupulousanonymous.org has helped me a lot. There you can download "The Ten Commandments for the Scrupulous", which I have printed and which I always carry in my missal for "moments of emergency". They published a book that is very good. Other resources:

https://lifeteen.com/blog/the-perpetual-penitent-identifying-and-healing-from-scrupulosity/

https://www.ncregister.com/blog/jimmy-akin/6-tools-for-the-scrupulous

On pornography and masturbation as serious sins, I can tell you that yes, it is true, they are. That is why they appear as such in the Catechism. But the Catechism is not intended as a spiritual guide, but as an objective synthesis of Catholic faith and morals. The real personal gravity and even the mortal character of these recurring sins in people who, like us, get used to them, became addicted and struggled to overcome them, is something that our confessors and spiritual directors can help us to discern . The fact that we recognize them as sins, that we want to get rid of them and are sincerely struggling to do so means that we are not self-indulgent and have real contrition and a firm intention not to sin again. Our relapses are just that: stumbling on a path of personal deliverance from sin, in which it is not so much our efforts, but the grace of God that will lead us to success. So if you relapse, simply trust in the mercy of God, who loves you so much that he was able to die for you, do an act of perfect contrition and have the firm intention of confessing as soon as this horrible pandemic allows it. And trust that God forgives you. Trusting in the love of God despite our relapses is not remotely the self-indulgence of one who denies the character of sin to what really is. And that is not your case. Trust in the Father's love and Christ's forgiveness is what you need to have on your mind, not scruples. These, ultimately, end up leading one to despair over oneself and abandonment in sin. They are, if you think about it, a great and very refined temptation.

Excuse my bad English. English is not my mother language and although I read a lot in English, I have to use Google Translator to write in the forum.

Courage, God bless you and ist with you.

 

First of all, God bless you in your continued struggles. I also started young and I know how horrible it is. Be assured of my continued prayers for you. :]

In my own prayerful reflection over the catechism and in my own discussions with many very holy priests I've found the opposite from the catechism. I live with scrupulous people, so I know that one of the best counters is good logic and the truth. The catechism says in Paragraph 2352 (same paragraph you quoted) that "to form an equitable judgment about the subjects' moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of aquired habit, conditions of anxiety, or other psychological or social factors that can lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability." All of these factors apply to you. Your guilt is clearly lessened. God does not want you to judge yourself so harshly. If he doesn't judge you so intensely and hold all of your struggles against you, then why should you judge yourself?

About scrupulosity - no it is not normal to obsess to that degree. It's been called "the doubting disease." It's also why Martin Luther broke away from the church - he couldn't believe in the validity of confession because he kept doubting whether he was thorough enough and whether God had forgiven him. This is a lie the devil inserted into his heart; we know as fact that God's mercy is infinite and stretches beyond our faults and penetrates our faults and heals our hearts.

I would counsel you to abandon yourself to divine providence. Read the classic Abandonment to Divine Providence. Try to practice letting go and releasing yourself to God. Whenever the thoughts come reassure yourself of God's unconditional love. You don't need to do anything to make God love you. You don't need to do anything to make God work in your heart and heal you of your sins. In your post you said "but I have to do it the right way, otherwise I'm not helping myself." This is a lie. You can do nothing to merit your own salvation, or even work to become holy on your own. And you don't need to. Jesus loves you! He loves you so much! He loves you even though he knows every fault you've ever done even more than you do. And yet he still loves you and still chose to die for you. All he asks is that you trust him and let go and just receive his love.

My earthly father is intensely scrupulous. It made my early childhood a little rough. Over many years he's been slowly practicing letting go and letting God work in him. He's been putting more trust in God even though God's been permitting more and more challenges to enter his life. He's a more joyful man than he's ever been even though his circumstances *should have/would have* provided more stress on him than they ever did before. He's been praying through this for decades and I've been blessed to be with him through it all, to watch him slowly overcome a seemingly insurmountable challenge. I take so much inspiration from him and how he's been abandoning his life and worries and scruples to the infinite love of God.

I'm open for more conversation if you need me or just want to talk. I'm free to talk here, in a private thread, and would be happy to support you in any way I can. (Prayer intentions, to act as a sounding board, or even just to share any tips I've picked up by watching my Dad...) But don't stress out over it. I'll do whatever God is calling me to.

May Jesus keep you always in his sacred heart,
Tryin'

 

thanks a lot man.it such a relief we get from ur words.

 

Guilt and shame direct you to a solution. Struggling for so many years myself I have come to understand that I (we) are helpless. You need help and you are looking as hard as you can for a solution. This is my advice. Turn to Blessed Mother Mary. You and I cannot fight the battle on our own. We are dust. Satan is a fallen angel and without protection you will loose. Pray the Rosary. Pray the Rosary every day. The Rosary is our sword and our protection. Turn to God and accept his Grace and then grab a Rosary and Pray, Pray the Rosary every day. It will change your life.

For a real life example go to You-tube and watch the Conversion of Donald Calloway. His conversion is an example of the power of Mary and the Rosary.

So guilt and shame will never leave until you make that complete commitment to change. Do you know where the real you is? It is that part of you that cry's out. Guilt and shame are symptoms. They are the result of doing things that ire in conflict with your soul. QuiggyG, reflect on this: Jesus loves you and does not change. His love for you is beyond measure. Christ does not change - you change. Tonight I will say a Hail Mary for your change. Let us pray for each other because on our own and left to our own devices we will not win the battle.

 

In addition to the excellent replies here, this may also help: https://media.ascensionpress.com/podcast/healing-from-the-wound-of-sin. It's about healing from the wound of sin. You're in my prayers.

 

Scrupulosity has probably been one of the biggest barriers to recovery for me. What I realized is that I had fallen into a form of Pelagianism, which I think is related to secular concepts of self-improvement. I basically was trying to come before God as a perfect saint, and when I couldn't I had a great excuse to continue wallowing in my addiction. When I changed the focus to humility, this whole thing shifted for me. My weakness only reinforced the recognition of my need for God's grace.