Having trouble opening up to people

Hey man, I feel you. Don't know how old you are but in my late teens I was suffering with horrible social anxiety. To a way higher degree than you describe.
Before throwing around any advice that may or may not apply, are you aware of what EXACTLY is going on inside of you when that happens? Like the specific thoughts that run through your mind or the feelings in your body that accompany these moments where you are blocked?
And does it happen ONLY in regards to talking about feelings for women?
You can also write me a pm if you don't want to talk about these things publicly.
Have a good one!

 

Your problem isn't that you can't open up to people, it is that you are unwilling to fully be yourself and rsik rejection. You don't need to open up to people, if you have feelings show them, don't talk or even think that much about them.

 

I got the first part. Just don't understand the second part (as much).

 

Hey man, happy to help!
It was pretty much the same for me back then. Always felt really awkward sharing personal stuff and thought I would not want to bother them with what was going on with me (or not going on for that matter).

By asking if you know exactly what the feelings and thoughts are I was not asking to then give you something better to think or feel. I was trying to get a sense for how aware you are of what is going on inside of you. Awareness is key.

Generally speaking, changing what we think and feel can be valuable advice as well, but there comes something MUCH more important before that.
And that is how you relate to WHATEVER the feelings and thoughts that you want to "fix".
If, for example, you define "having anxiety/paranoia" as the problem that needs fixing you are geting yourself into one of the most vicious vicious cycles that can kep you stuck for a loooooong time.
In the example of making your feeling of anxiety itself the problem it means for example that the feeling of anxiety becomes the new enemy to fear and now you become more and more anxious about having anxiety and thus begin building a vast network of anxiety triggers that can get you deeper and deeper into its web. Sometimes that can lead to more and more intenes anxieties being triggered by more and more things and developing into a full blown anxiety disorder and/or increasing levels of isolation.
Not saying at all that is the case for you, just trying to get across a principle here.
And the longer you keep fighting the fear like that because you see it as "the problem to be fixed" your mind creates more and more things to be afraid of.

I hope that makes sense so far. If not, feel free to ask and I am happy to respond.

So let's keep going. What to do instead then if you don't want to get into this vicious cycle?
As mentioned, first comes awareness AND ACCEPTANCE of the feelings and thoughts that come with the fear as difficult as it may sound. But trust me, as someone who to not even be able to speak with people I knew for many years sometimes, understanding and practicing this was the only thing that eventually got me out of this and I am now in a much happier place and super grateful for stumbling across it at ~18 years old.

It's easier said than done to simply say "just accept your feelings" of course. Explaining how to do that takes more than a short forum post unfortunately.
You'd have to learn and practice quite a bit. And first and foremost I'd recommend meditation as the primary skillset to acquire. It changed the game completely for me.
Any meditation system that focuses primarily on turning towards and dealing with pain (pain here standing as a placeholder for any form of discomfort like physical pain, frustration, boredom, anxiety, loneliness, envy, etc. etc. - the principle stays the same) rather than relaxation techniques is going to give you a lot in terms of building your ability to break free from the anxiety on the most fundamental level.

Hope that helps and let me know what you are going to do man.

 

I mean to be in tune with yourself. Trust your gut and your feelings, don't overthink shit.

 

Why do you think talking about feelings is important?

 

I like your attitude about being in tune with yourself and "being yourself" (which in and of itself is a very muddy concept for pretty much everyone) but I think you throw out the baby with the bathwater if you think that talking about your feelings would be a waste of time or detrimental.

It's good to be in tune with your feelings and act accordingly but you don't always want to act in accordance with your feelings. They are only ONE way of experiencing the world which can powerfully drive your behavior.
I don't always want to act in accordance with my feelings. Also, what if you have conflicting feelings that go against each other?
Like when I used to be extremely scared, frozen at the spot before talking to the woman, I actually want to talk to her at the same time. One powerfully pulling me forward, the other making me want to run away. How do you solve that condundrum simply by "being in tune with yourself" or "acting out your feelings"?
Sounds to me that situations like that are very familiar to OP @don'tlookbackinanger
You have to learn to relate diferently to your feelings. Experience them fully INTERNALLY without HAVING to act on them.
And in a civilized world that's a very healthy thing to do. Emotions are good and healthy and exist for a reason. But they are not the only arbiters of truth.

I assume you write to act on your feelings because you care about not wanting to repress them, which in principle is really good to do and healthy. But "acting out" externally isn't the only way to fully experience your feelings in a cathartic way. There are more elaborate, overall healthy, satisfying and skillfull ways to do so.
And of course I again am referring to meditation and why it's so fundamentally useful as it teaches you exactly that. How to deal with your feelings in the healthiest and most constructive way possible.

But coming back to the idea that merely talking about your feelings would be somehow bad.
If someone talks about their feelings simply to wallow in them, get attention etc. then yes, I am with you.
But done in a skillfull way it is a powerful way to reflect and get someone else's perspective on your blindspots that you sometimes simply can't see no matter how hard you try or how experienced we are.
Personally I've worked as a coach in 2 areas for many years and to this day I and probably for the rest of my life I get perspectives from other coaches that I was completely blind to. Not being able to the forest for the trees.

And not just that but also because you yourself articulating your feelings, trying to put things in perspective for yourself so that you can talk about it and bring the incoherent mess that make up our thoughts and feelings is valuable already and helps you gain some insight and self-knowledge about yourself. Learning and growing and forging yourself into a better version of yourself.

And last but certainly not least, authentically talking about your feelings can be a great way for two humans with their flaws and pains and sorrows and also their strengths and shared positive mindsets to connect on a deeper level.
Are there other ways to connect on a deep level? Yes of course, but talking and opening up about your feelings CAN be a great one as well with the right person.
Should you lay open all your thoughts and feelings to everyone at any time? Obviously not and that would be childishly naive.

Alright man, that's in response to what I got from your short messages. Hope I got you right and didn't misunderstand you.

 

Good man, wishing you the best! And whenever you need some advice or someone to talk you can reach out to me.
Learning these skills is a very long road (I think it never ends actually) but worth it and it's honestly the best investment I have made my entire life that's for sure.
Have a good one!

 

Bro this is the very overthinking I am talking about. You shouldn't have time to think of this shit and then the time to write it out. All this shit you are writing about is just from something that I was trying to use to give context on another post.

 

There is MASSIVE difference between overthinking and thorough/clear thinking which I was trying to bring some clarity to.
Overthinking is a tool you use against yourself. Clear thinking is a tool you use FOR yourself.
Maybe it will help someone else then.
Anyway, have a good one man and good luck.

 

Go to YouTube and search Brené Brown Vulnerability