He has watched over 360 porn videos in 7 days!

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by fadedfidelity, Apr 17, 2019.

  1. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    ...that I know of. That is a lot, right? I am not being overreactive, am I?

    I occasionally check my husband's browsing history, emails, thumb drives, etc. I just found out that my husband is doing it again. He signed up for 2 porn sites recently.
    This is the 4th time our marriage has endured this. We have tried accountability, monitoring software, therapy, etc. I get a feeling when things are not right and that is when I look for evidence. The give away is typically a lack of affection, decreased sex drive, and working late, or he has been out of town on a job for work.
    He is a good man and otherwise great husband, and we have been together for over 20 years and have 4 kids (All under 13 years old.) I just can't take the roller coaster and the feeling of betrayal. I am so exhausted trying to be his "accountability partner" and "keeper". I have 4 kids that need me too! I am so depressed and angry right now.
    On a side note, I do everything and anything he wants and asks for in bed. (I know it isn't my fault.) I am very open sexually. I have one big sexual desire that he denies me and will not do...nothing fetish, painful, degrading, or strange--just a little roughness, aggression and passion once in a while. Doesn't seem fair. All I want is to feel desired and dominated by a strong and loving man, but he isn't into it and says he just can't do it. Sex is just so boring to me anymore. I think it is the let down of his porn addiction and the thought of me giving myself fully to him without any reciprocation.

    Anyway, thanks for letting me vent in a supportive safe place. I have no one I can talk to about this. I am so upset and just need support.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
  2. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    If each video were 2 minutes long the. Thats about 12 hours of porn...

    I haven’t ever clocked myself but I think when depressed I max out at 3 hours in a sitting. It just is boring after that.

    I am so sad (but I need) to hear the s.o. Side of this struggle. It sounds very different.

    I would really discourage you from being his “AP”. You are too close and he won’t be up front about everything as he would with a regular AP.

    I’m a dad of two kids, homeschooled , and it’s better than when I traveled 70% but there are days when my wife really needs support.

    Today’s our 14 yr anniversary. Hang in there; if it’s worse now, then it can only get better.
     
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  3. waldek420

    waldek420 Fapstronaut

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    Have you two discussed him being addicted to porn? Does he PMO every day? You might consider him doing a reboot. No porn, masturbation, and orgasm for 90 days. This website along with a few others have tremendous amounts of information on this topic. Ask him to educate himself in this regard and consider doing a reboot. More than likely, porn could be the issue. I recently purchased a book called Cupids Poisoned Arrow, just 20 pages into it I am already gaining a different perspective on relationships. The first step is for your husband to admit he has an addiction/problem.
     
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  4. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I would agree that is a lot, but honestly, if it's happening at all and causing you pain and damaging your marriage, it's too much whether it's 3 or 360 or 3000. And, no, I don't think that being upset and hurt about all of it is overreacting. If you weren't upset about the harm it's causing, I'd tend to think you didn't really care about your marriage, and you probably wouldn't be here seeking support.

    Does he acknowledge and recognize the addiction for what it really is? Or, does he think it's only a problem because you think it is? I can relate to so much of your situation...married over 20 years to long-time PA, 4 kids (all boys), multiple Ddays followed by multiple relapses, betrayal trauma worsening with each failed attempt at recovery, and the constant pain of loneliness and rejection. This is truly a painful place to be, and I'm sorry you're going through it.
    You have come to the right place to express your thoughts and feelings and to get support. There are many other SO's here who understand and can offer great insight. It's also helpful to read posts from PA's themselves, especially those working on their recoveries. Also, there's a private forum strictly for SO's that you can join if you'd like. I think you'll find a lot of helpful information and support here. Hugs.
     
  5. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I sent you an invite for the private group.
     
  6. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I did the math for what I used to do..... It is still a lot. I would queue up a bunch of videos (this is the novelty part of the addiction) I liked and then do the PMO thing. At 2x per day that would be 25videos queued up..... Since half that sounds more likely, might either beong sessions and totally different than my use or 4x per day average.... .no wonder you've noticed!!

    You say "we tried" so I assume he has been an active participant in trying to recover but that doesn't line up with such heavy use.

    Was it one big binge or over a whole week?
     
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  7. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    He uses porn sites that have his watched history with videos and each ones length. Depending on the day, he can watch 24 videos ranging from 2 minutes to 24 minutes or just a few. I counted it all up with an average vid length of 5 mins....360 videos at 5 mins each for 7 days....it's a full time job!
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019
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  8. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    He knows and he has admitted it. We have been through a lot. We have talked about it with each other throughout the years. It just seems like if I start to trust him again and let up then he is back to it again. I am jaded at this point. He was even involved in a men's group for porn addicts in the past, as well as online mentoring/accountability partners, and therapy. We let the porn blocking software subscription lapse because I thought we were through it and it cost money we didn't have at the time. I told him that I would divorce him the last Dday (about 2 years ago) but he knows I have nothing and no one to go to...4 kids and 41 years old, small home business of my own, but along with caring for the kids fill-time. I am grieving for our 20 year relationship and marriage. I do not want to move or disrupt the kids and I am so sad and angry.
     
  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry you are going through this! Have you set up any boundaries with consequences when they are broken?
     
  10. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Like what?...making him watch the kids alone for a week while I stay at a lux hotel? lol
     
  11. crazyaf

    crazyaf Fapstronaut

    I must say you are a very strong person, and a very good wife. I hope things work out for you.
     
  12. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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  13. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I don't know whether that is "a lot" or not, but I DO know that you are NOT overreacting. I can tell you that when I found several years of my husband's porn collection on CDs which he had meticulously catalogued, date and time stamped, I did the math and figured that he spent approximately 8 years (before I knew him) viewing, downloading, and saving porn approximately 15 hours per week. And I'm sure that this did NOT represent all the porning he was doing.
    I'm so sorry. This is a great place to come for support.
     
  14. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    For the PMO folks: *TRIGGER WARNING*

    I appreciate the analytical touch here, (not like I am an expert or anything on watching P,) but nobody, nobody, nobody watches the whole video my dear. Unless the poor guy finishes and falls asleep, there is no reason to; these videos aren't designed for that; they are designed to hit certain hot-spots and go for closer or that annoying advertising sponsor of the website.

    I am assuming you have never watched a PA do his PMO. I am hoping the following serves as a template for a hardcore user, I assume there are other things that can happen, but here's what I can attest to, and i don't personally find the live-action stuff entertaining so I can't speak for that, but here's a few things:

    1) You need silence, space, and to be alone
    2) You need room to sit/stand/lay comfortably (any awkward position outside of 20 minutes and your muscles tighten, neck hurts, etc. No bueno.
    3) We have our "go to" sites, we don't google porn sites at this point unless you are really new to it, you know there's options that have "one-stop-shopping"
    4) You are going to want variety so you open up 18 new tabs (preferably in private mode), and you go back and forth. If you have multiple screens setup, you put one video on each, like an adult theatre.
    5) If you are cheap, you don't spend any money on any of this;
    6) Edging is next (erection plus touching, to get close to O, but stop), goes on for undetermined amount of time.
    7) In my case, I preview the tabs, then decide which is the "best/hottest" and spend max a few minutes on each video until I narrow down which will be the "closer".
    8) While it can last hours, you can look at stuff that isn't getting you erect, its just shocking or mesmorizing (like grannys or something) etc. Whatever is close to reality is probably not attractice (you already have that). And You can go back and forth, between actual work and porn which helps distract you a little to find it engaging again, which is what I think you have.
    9) When you finish once, if you distract yourself, or wait a while, you can do it again. In my case, if really binging, multiple finishes is possible.
    10) I know it's pathetic, terrible, sad, distressful to read these steps, but hopefully it helps you understand what the 360 videos represents.

    Also, my wife is your age, and we homeschool as well, I can relate to what you are going through. I am here because just your husband, all the other options simply did not work. If I'm being honest, I am learning to reconcile that I did not really think I had a problem, nor did I think I could completely fix it. Kinda rock and hard place doubt system; it has messed up my faith, my marriage, my outlook; and like most PA, I can act better than some grammy-winners. But I think expressing it, is the part that I have not done openly. And I do have new hope that acknolweding the shame and facing it with ppl who don't judge is possible.

    Plus, I like that you aren't hopeless, just drenched in sorrow. I find it ironic that this "community" does the work our own churches could never do, simply because we don't (as guys) trust them enough for it to work.

    God has a plan, you don't have to beat this thing, you just have to hold on!

    Keep holding!

    Blessings,
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2019
  15. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    It amazes me that I have never caught him in the act. Nor have I ever watched anyone else doing it.

    OMG!!! This is f'ing over the top for anything I have ever imagined or done. I have watched porn, but it is usually looking for particular interests...finding a vid or two I like and that's it. Done. No double screens, 20 tabs open, going back and forth in between them all. Just wow. I guess I thought my way of looking at porn was how everyone did it?...but I also an not an addict. Thanks for the 411 and insight of the addict's habits. I guess that means he did it this way too and wasn't at it for 30 hours. In a way, it is such a relief to know it could have been only a couple of hours tops. I kept racking my brain trying to figure out how the hell he could have done all that vid watching and me not notice or see it.

    I appreciate your help so that I can better understand my husband's addiction and how it is done.
     
  16. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    LOL. Elementary my dear, elementary! ;)

    Yes, it's kinda like (but not totally the same) as being stuck in Netflix's grip of death.
    Jim totally puts it in perspective! But yes its still it's a black hole of time-wasting like nothing else.

    To be brutally honest here, if you ever did, you would not recognize him, which might be scary. It's kinda like being in a trance, or possessed. I mean to a degree... not like a werewolf hopefully. LOL.

    But generally speaking, addicts plan their fixes: so if you are doing this in public, then you prep for the what-ifs.... (a trucker looks down into my car, or a police comes up, I gotta have a reason why I'm parked here in the middle of no where, or if the kids wake up, I need to have a totally-boring-safe-explainable web-page/doc that I can flip over to as soon as the door sounds.... the what if someone sees me etc), but when you plan this in private, yeah, total different setup.

    I don't remember if your husband works from home, or not, but seriously, all it takes is 10 min, a public bathroom at the grocery store, a really long shower, etc. :) I had a coworker whose dad always made them whistle and clap when they took showers--lol. But, for an P addict, we make magic with very little time. And then when we do have time, boy we can just veg-out. I have never tried drugs, but P is by itself, the most effective drug.

    Many people try a variety of vices, but none of them are EVER FREE. I mean, there is no stronger, more addictive, FREE drug than Porn.

    But thank you for allowing me the chance to share. I feel better knowing my shame can be a tool to unlock the "black box" of this damning addiction.

    Looking forward to hearing how your journey goes, don't give up!
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019
  17. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I have caught my husband in the act more than once. I don't even have words.
     
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  18. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    In 14 years, I've been caught 2 times, the first was newlymarried (the first year), I had told her I had struggled, but she'd never seen it.

    the 2nd time, (please don't get any ideas SO's), but she stalked me out, like, crouched down underneath the dining table, which gave a clear sniper view of the computer in the middle of the living room. She waited like a rattlesnack waits for their prey, and of course, here comes the porn-addicted naive fat little mouse (me). And after about 20 minutes of blankly staring into the blue-screen, I heard her voice verbalize my name. ####____. I nearly fainted from the fright. Her voice was much lower than normal and when the darkness made the pupils dialate, I just was totally freaked out even more by the fact she had stalked me like predator.

    What did I learn? never do it in the open again.
    But she was very patient with me too, still is.
     
  19. I had no idea that’s how PA worked. I’ve never opened a bunch of windows.
    I just searched through google or bing to see if anything matched what I was looking for.
    Usually didn’t M while looking.
    Usually fantasized about what I saw later and M to that.
    I just considered myself an addict because I couldn’t stop this.

    I guess I was mostly addicted to LOOKING FOR IT than actually watching it.
    Still it enslaves your brain and you constantly think about what you saw or maybe how you can modify the search terms to find something you missed.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2019
  20. Mithradates

    Mithradates Fapstronaut

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    He needs to be in an environment that gives him 0 access to porn for 90 days.
    I am sorry to hear how extreme your husbands addiction is. He doesnt realize he is destroying himself or his marriage. If he did, he would stop. He needs a slap in the face, to wake up and be a better husband and father. Good luck.
     
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