He has watched over 360 porn videos in 7 days!

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by fadedfidelity, Apr 17, 2019.

  1. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Yeah, that's the problem. He travels for work and can work at home if needed. Plenty of time and plenty of privacy in hotels, our basement, bedroom, home office, etc. I work from home. But if it only takes 30 secs for a dude to get off, I can't even go to the bathroom or grocery without him being tempted! Good Lord!
    We are trying to figure out his triggers. To me, it seems that he has a lapse when I am sick (migraines, flu, etc.), and he is working out of town. It pisses me off really to know that he takes advantage of my most vulnerable times (illness, postpartum) to sneak PMO. I feel helpless knowing I could be gravely ill with cancer or something and he would be jerking it in front of a computer screen and ignoring my needs to cope with his anxiety. *If that is his trigger. He doesn't think it is, but he also isn't trying very hard to figure it out.
     
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  2. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    He has been. I think he went for 6 months without it? But then he goes back to it again...it seems to be when I feel really good about our relationship and confident he has kicked it. :-( Shame on me for trusting him I guess.
     
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  3. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Well, he has seen me sob, cry, scream, plead, support, talk, etc. to get to him and it hasn't worked. The last time I told him I would divorce him if he did it again. He knew the consequence, but apparently I am worth losing to his addiction. It really tears me up knowing I may have to follow through with leaving him. I love him so deeply and he is my best friend. We have 4 kids together. We have built a life together for over 20 years! It makes me feel like if I leave him then I am the one ripping apart the family. It is not fair. My mood has been so crazy lately trying to deal with this--one minute I am crying, then angry, then telling myself it's no big deal and I am overreacting. What is true?!
     
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  4. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I don't know what the right thing to do is right now. I want to be with him, have him hold me, but at the same time I don't want him to touch me. This love/hate feeling is the worst! It would be easier if I could stop loving him, but I can't. Right now, I am sleeping alone in our bed and he is sleeping in the spare room in the basement. I told him he cannot sleep in our bed with me and I do not want intimate contact for a while. Going without sex for more than a week is difficult for ME and in that respect, I am being punished for what he did! I just don't know how long until I feel comfortable having sex with a person that has broken my trust and heart so many times. This is the first time I have withheld intimacy from him for more than a few days. I just cannot fathom going 30 days or 90 days. Does that really do anything to help PA? I worry it would make it worse and cause the urge to increase to PMO.
     
  5. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I am ashamed to admit it, but catching my husband masterbating has been a strange fantasy of mine for some time....but only if he was thinking about me and I wasn't available. It is not the same if he is watching other girls and lusting after their bodies and the perverted things they do to themselves. Especially if it is in place of me when I am available and very willing to participate! That is what hurts. The feeling of rejection and being thrown to the side like an old toy. The lying on top of him preferring other women (even if they are on the screen)is like gasoline to the fire.
     
  6. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I understand this so well, and you're right...it isn't fair. I've But, I've finally realized that even if I leave, I'm not the one ripping the family apart. I've actually been the only one holding on tightly enough to keep the family together this long. He is the one who has continued to make choices that started tearing it all apart a long time ago. So, if I reach a point where I finally lose my grip, it won't be because I haven't been trying desperately to keep everything together this whole time.
     
  7. Mithradates

    Mithradates Fapstronaut

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    His brain has been rewired to pornography addiction. By him abstaining, it will let those neural-pathways weaken. He needs to re-wire his brain so he can be at peace. Once he PMO abstains for 30-90s days he will feel a lot better. You will feel better to. I recommend you disconnect the internet in your house. and place blocks on his phone. Remove any dvds. You need to have physical contact with your husband that does not involve orgasm.

    I would recommend reading Cupids Poison Arrow, by Marnia Robinson.
    Also is his porn addiction recent? within the last few years?
     
  8. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I am not ready for that yet.
     
  9. Mithradates

    Mithradates Fapstronaut

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    You dont hold each other, hold hands, cross arms, make eye contact, without ever having sex?
    He doesnt pick you up in his arms ever? you need to build a bond thats bigger than just sex and kids. I find it hard to believe you both cant reconcile something lost, like romance.
    It seems like you both need to practice self control. He needs to rewire his brain so that you become like Porn to him.
    He seems very stubborn and set in his ways. You should try and record him when he is fapping to porn. Once he sees how pathetic he looks touching himself, he might stop. I mean this in the most respectful way possible.
     
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  10. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    His porn addiction started late in college he told me. It wasn't apparent to me until after we got married(2002) a couple of years after college. He has lapsed several times now since the 1st Dday (2006), with his most recent lapse now. He said this last one started the end of Dec 2018/beginning of Jan 2019. He claims he doesn't know what triggers it. He has learned only how to cover it up better and use it and also have sex with me, that way I still get "attention" enough to not think something is wrong. What he doesn't understand is that the sex is giving it away on top of everything else.
     
  11. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    No, you misunderstand. We have a very good bond and do all of that. BUT with this recent betrayl I am too hurt to let him kiss me, touch me intimately.
     
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  12. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I would have to place hidden cameras in the house to do that.
     
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  13. One of the reasons I finally stopped when I was 38 was because it had been a long time with no end in sight and I didn’t want to be 70 still with my pants down doing M.
    Sounded so gross and pathetic.
     
  14. Mithradates

    Mithradates Fapstronaut

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    Wow, I am sorry. I understand that feeling. And yes I know my idea about videotaping his behavior sounds extreme, but I guarantee it would work.
    Have you talked with his family about this? at your age he shouldnt be doing this anymore.
     
  15. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    It is a big deal and you are not over reacting.
     
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  16. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Yes- I am married to a man who will turn 65 soon and is still caught in this trap after DECADES of waste. At one point he was a bright-eyed 20 year old that I'm sure could never imagine four decades into the future that he would be sitting in the mess he is in now. He is now looking back at a life blinded by this addiction. This is why the testimonies of older men on these forums are so important. I wish the young men here would read the 40 and older posts so they could get a glimpse of their possible futures. It might be a powerful deterrent.
     
  17. Erichpure

    Erichpure Fapstronaut

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    i Know very lengthy sessions over a couple days. I am more like a periodic drinker. Excessive and then back to normal with none of this behavior for a long time. I know one can get out. But this needs dedicated effort. Talking helps. It needs to detect all the Deeper lying causes. If you are sexually open then this is for sure very helpful. It wasn’t in my case. It does need an outlet.
    My wife too felt betrayed. She doesn’t feel that way anymore because she caught me too many times and somehow changed her at first very judgmental (understandingly) attitude, whichaldo helped a lot. Doing it hidden has this hidden power that is making the feeling of shame even worse and driving it into the underground.
    There are a lot of methods one can adopt and apply that helps. It’s my comvictionthat it needs all these things. If a marriage is deep and both take this on the challenge can lead to much meaningful development as with everything that is deeply challenging and that one deeply commits to overcome is.

    You sound like a very good woman. He is lucky. You too need a place to go with what you feel. Besides with him you also need to be well with what you feel.
    Wish you the best of luck!!
     
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  18. Erichpure

    Erichpure Fapstronaut

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    If he can go 6 month without it that’s good and sign for hope for you. You should have therapies and something intense going besides combating porn. Therapies can really help. Or spiritual activities. Maybe like in my case finding other ways to deeply relax. One of course sex with my wife instead of porn and the other is family life on weekend and no work stress with sport or swimming. And then there is for me the sauna. Deep relaxation physically. But whatever it is. It needs many realizations and developing skills and if you stay at it you can rescue yourself both.
     
  19. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    No, his family has no idea. My family does know however. (My sister had an ex-husband that was a PA and he refused to change, so we have been able to confide in each other throughout the years at least.) But I do not like to involve family in things like this and it was VERY hard for me to share this with my family. I am not a fan of sharing and shaming him to his family. I just don't see the benefit in doing so?
     
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  20. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    We went to a therapist and didn't find it helpful. The therapist was an older man and I thought an excellent psychologist, but said he didn't think porn was the issue and that it was something underlying. He also told my husband that his lack of emotion was just him and normal for him. So, we wasted a lot of time and money for nothing. I have never found therapy helpful for anything unfortunately.
     

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