He has watched over 360 porn videos in 7 days!

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by fadedfidelity, Apr 17, 2019.

  1. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Yeah, we are already doing that. We sleep in separate beds--him in the spare room in the basement and me upstairs.
     
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  2. Erichpure

    Erichpure Fapstronaut

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    That sounds very good!
     
  3. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Wow. I can’t tell you much I appreciate having see this from the females perspective. Thank you for daring to share.

    I want to respond but honestly I feel I’m have to re-read the update a few times to see what is happening.

    You are both very brazen, just for trying. I understand some professionals will suggest time from each other, if it’s too soon. That won’t hurt, it will increase your desires. But nobody can predict when is the right time, because you two know when that is.

    I like how you say it felt like high schoolers. The key here is since you aren’t in high school, it’s important to reduce; lower; eliminate, the expectations until he and you are in a place that is balanced.

    I think what would help is just to make a disclaimer before you engage: ( kinda like the pilot who before the flight on what he expects to happen):

    “Sweetie, honestly I can’t express how I wish to connect with you, and if you want to connect with me, we both there’s a possibility things can escalate. If they do, and we want it, then, it’s up to us what happened next. I think it’s completely normal we experience some awkward moments, but that’s why I picked you. You don’t have to perfect, just be normal. We may need to pause, (insert a joke about as “ you know as we get older I hear that’s more common), or we may need to stop, or even switch gears. For me, this isn’t a race to the end, it’s a step towards intimacy. I understand brokenness requires rebuilding and we know rebuilding takes time. “

    If
    your SO were to write his experience like you did, from his point of view, what Do you think would be his focus ?
     
  4. No he didn't. He clicked through them, we rarely watch the whole thing when deep in the obsession.
     
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  5. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

     
  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Does it matter how long? Absolutely not.
     
  7. It matters a lot. Jumping from scene to scene is much more damaging than viewing one long video imo. The main problem with porn is the endless novelty.
     
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  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Keep telling yourself that. I cannot convince you otherwise if you refuse to hear or feel the pain that the significant others here are trying to convey to you. You are merely finding ways to justify why it's okay. It's not.
     
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  9. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I think you are saying the same thing. He’s saying both are bad, but jumping to more and more when the person is tired of it signals an escalation in their addiction.

    Just how I read his comments.
     
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  10. Erichpure

    Erichpure Fapstronaut

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    I think it doesn’t matter how long how much. Only things matters is that it was done. Porn addict watching 350 movies is not much worse than one that watches 2
     
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  11. What? I'm not a "significant other" (what a term) nor do I particularly care about the office in the first place. The self-centeredness you display really is astounding: your husband's brain is turned into porridge, yet the victim is you, everything is about you. Now, I have not said nor do I think that any amount of porn is good but you didn't even notice that because you care first and foremost about yourself.
     
  12. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    So do you come here just to provide unhelpful comments? @fadedfidelity is struggling, yet you point out how she is incorrect in her assumptions. You didn't ask questions, you were not empathetic and now you're being antagonistic.
     
  13. I went here to correct the idea that the man spends XX hours everyday on porn when he almost certainly doesn't. I posted further replies after that because confused women like EyesWideOpen and yourself kept confronting me instead of communicating with the OP which is (as you correctly point out) what this thread should be about.
     
  14. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut


    Ok. Thanks.

    Not my place to mediate , but many SO, which tend to be women in the forums, tend to look for empathy more than information.

    I actually thought l that the victimization point you raised deserves some discussion but given your vibe, I will abstain.

    I actually said the same thing in a different tone about 2 days ago. I’m here for the same reasons. Not judging just sharing.

    Peace,
     
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  15. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Hmmm...first, if you cared to educate yourself at all on these forums, you would know that the term significant other does not refer to the addict, rather the partner of the addict. Considering that the partner can be male or female, married or in a long term relationship, it seems to be the most appropriate way to address the betrayed partner instead of making the assumption of wife or girlfriend.

    Second, I am anything but a victim. You may not like what I post, but that doesn't give you a green light to attempt to gas light me by calling me confused or self-centered. I am neither. What you are doing and saying to the women in these posts is very typical, abusive addict behavior.

    While you may not spend hours upon hours looking at porn (which I find doubtful considering the statistics and your vehement denial), most addicts do. In fact, most dont even realize how much time they spend doing it because they get so wrapped up in it.

    With recovery comes empathy. Empathy is a critical life skill to have, and addicts are severely lacking in it. Your responses here are indicative of the work you have yet to do. It is imperative not just for any life partner you may have, but for you to learn as a human being.

    As you get farther down your recovery journey, I hope you grow immensely so you can look back and reflect on these posts to see how far you've come.

    Good luck.
     
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  16. Erichpure

    Erichpure Fapstronaut

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    My experience is that if I want and need and seriously go for it there is the right one that fits and one can greatly benefit.

    Otherwise one can try and not find nothing. It’s me and what I carry that opens doors or keeps them closed.
     
  17. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Yeah. I agree with you. I was explaining counseling is an art more than a science. It isn’t magic. It isn’t consistent. It isn’t a drug or pill. We shouldn’t be surprised it Doesn’t work the same with everyone.
     
  18. My wife has basically done this.
    She doesn’t sleep in our room anymore. Hasn’t for months.
    We have sex and it’s good for both of us but it never was bad. She’s just angry about other stuff.
    So we have set and she leaves.
    Also we don’t kiss anymore and rarely hug.
    Rarely even will sit next to me.
    So I get the joy of being in an emotionally alone relationship.
    I feel it’s punishment.
    Hope she feels good about herself.

    Sounds like you would have a goal in mind rather than just to be punitive though.
     
  19. EatCake

    EatCake Fapstronaut

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    *standing ovation*

    That was absolutely perfect. Thank you
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  20. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    Reading this, in my opinion, it sounds like he's trying to reconnect BUT it's going to take some time.

    He's trying to be passionate, which is the main point I think. It's just that it will probably take a few weeks or months without viewing porn for him to perform passionately.

    Being addicted, one can still be very compelled to perform with a real partner. All the attraction and passion is there... But the brain doesn't send enough signals to the body when it was only the other day we were watching videos.

    And the fact that the body isn't responding, can put one off mentally, and then all of a sudden one may seem to become distant or uninterested.

    90 days is a long time. However, even just saying "hugs and light kisses ONLY" for 30 days... Then try again. That, in theory, should give him a chance to reconnect a bit better.
     
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