He is at it again (help needed!)

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lilla_My, Apr 4, 2019.

  1. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    After discovering his PMO habits in December, my husband and I have had it truly rough. In January, I found out he was looking at p subs on Facebook. This was after he had promised to not look at porn anymore. I was devastated, went to therapy and tried to pick myself together.

    Things had started to improve. His mood has gotten better, he is kinder and a little bit more affectionate (although overall very depressed with no sexual desire). I was really starting to feel hopeful and my therapist and I decided it was time to wrap up our sessions together, since I was feeling so much better.

    Yesterday I found more searches for p subs, this time he was looking for some kind of channel on the internet were you can see semi nude women and for 7 dollars a month see "even hotter content" and be treated to "the boyfriend experience".

    I confronted him; he deleted the search history and now claims he has no idea what I'm talking about. I had no idea I could be in so much pain. I can't go on anymore.

    What consequences should I establish? Or should I just run for the hills? I have no interest in keeping the relationship as it is, none of my "soft" methods have worked. Or am I simply overreacting?
     
  2. Rairah90

    Rairah90 Fapstronaut

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    I think you should start all afresh and give him a second chance
     
  3. Rairah90

    Rairah90 Fapstronaut

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    Addiction does not go so easily, at least he is now doing p sub's.
     
  4. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    This is his fourth chance. P subs actually make me feel worse.
     
  5. Rairah90

    Rairah90 Fapstronaut

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    Then I think you should give him a scare about the fate of your relationship. Perhaps that will give him some motivation
     
  6. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I can't have my heart broken everytime he gets some free time.
     
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  7. Rairah90

    Rairah90 Fapstronaut

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    In your analysis, do you think he is making effort to turn things around. Or may be he is not giving your relationship attention
     
  8. Dr. Mario

    Dr. Mario Fapstronaut

    Have y'all tried filtering software? Don't give up on the marriage already, this is something worth fixing.
     
  9. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

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    See if he will agree to monitoring software. In about an hour my girlfriend is coming over to install software on my laptop and phone that will track my activity and send her a text if i search for adult content.
    It seems extreme but im broken and I need her help to get better and this is one of the ways we are going to work at it.
    On one hand im embarrassed that I need it, but on the other i feel a bit safer having someone I love to lean on.
    Maybe talk to him about it
     
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  10. The confidence is the key of the relationship. Therefore it´s true that the fapping and the obsession for porn is something which is really difficult to recovery. All change begins with the will, and after many relapses. Best Luck
     
  11. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    He is trying to be nicer, but he has never admitted to any problems with porn. He has been watching it behind my back for years, denying me sex and intimacy.
     
  12. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Dr. Mario and @Shy_1990 for your helpful advice. I was kind of hoping it wouldn't need to come to that, but I see now that he goes behind my back no matter what I do. In any case, he needs to want it himself, I'm tired of acting like a mother to a full grown man.
     
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  13. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Do you think it's usual that it goes like this? I mean lots of porn and then several relapses with p subs? I am not sure of what's "normal" or "expected outcomes". Because to me it feels like he doesn't wanna change at all.
     
  14. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

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    Yes i guess that is here I failed to see the difference with your situation compared to mine. You def need to want to change and admit your flaws before someone can help you.
    Maybe its time to sit down and ask him where he sees your marriage going in the next 12months. Give him a scare
     
    Lilla_My likes this.
  15. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I mean I can literally not go on with him as it is. If he truly didn't think this was a massive problem, then why is he lying? Stonewalling? Gaslightening? He could have just said "look, I do as I please". But why lie and deny so freaking much?
     
  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Because he’s an addict, and that’s what addicts do. Lie, sneak, gaslight,blame,manipulate,stonewall.
    The very very best thing you can do is take care of you. Sounds to me like he wants to keep doing his “drug” of choice.
    What are your boundaries? What are you doing to take care of you? You can’t change him or fix him...only he can do that.
    You didn’t cause his behaviour therefore it’s not your job to fix it. You need to look after yourself in ALL aspects, mental, emotional,physical.
    Best of luck to you...
     
  17. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    You are right, it makes a lot of sense. Thanks a lot for your response.

    I have some boundaries; he needs to be honest, tell me if he doesn't feel the same for me anymore, call if he is staying out late and not look at porn or porn substitutes, and if he does, be open about it. It's the consequences that's the problem: Let him sleep in the couch? He would love that. Not give him affection? He likes to be left alone. Not cooking his favourite food? Well he would probably just eat something else.

    First time I found out, I worked hard to stay afloat and did everything to get ahead in my recovery. I vented to a therapist, stopped working so much, took care of my physical health to a great extent. This time I don't know, I haven't gone out of bed and it's afternoon. Two days without eating and my eyes hurt from crying. It's been a year of full blown torture and it seems like it's gonna go on forever.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  18. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I know, I understand what you’re talking about. It seems their addiction takes over our lives too.
    I also understand the one upmanship on how they manipulate the boundaries.
    This is what I did...
    I gave him time to try and deal with things on his own...it didn’t happen .5 months exactly what tried to worm his way around things and manipulate with useless excuses.
    March, I told him, You have until June 1 to get actively involved in therapy, join a 12 step program and get actively invested in it. We are currently roommates. If by June 1, I see progression, we can renegotiate our marriage and our living situation.
    If he talks rude to me, I leave the situation, regardless of where we are, and he can find his own way home.
    I have reached my limit..and part of the reason why..is because he said , “ he knew what he was doing.” when he was active in his addiction, behaviours such as, manipulation, scapegoating,gaslighting, crazymaking etc...these guys KNOW exactly what they’re doing to get their high. Don’t let him fool you!
    Establish what you want and need, see a trained therapist . One who is trained in betrayal trauma...please I beg of you..and most important, don’t give your power away to man who will use it against you.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you...
     
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  19. stands to reason

    stands to reason Fapstronaut

    Consequences are going to come whether or not you move from a chair. Consequences or boundaries? Did you mean "what boundaries am I not willing to allow to be crossed?" Since the curse of sin is tormenting you in grief, strife, and painful fear you are not overreacting. The fact that you have asked this question, shows me that you may not hear what you are being revealed with.

    Dear Husband and Wife,

    Please both of you get on your knees and ask God for help; confess your individual sins and ask Him (both of you individually) for forgiveness, and receive Him into your heart. Belief is made in the heart; confession is made with the lips. Unless you understand fully what you have been shown and refuses God's free gift of salvation you will be in further danger of losing to the enemy. Satan. Read what God says, "When any one heareth the word of the kingdom, and understandeth it not, then cometh the wicked one, and catcheth away that which was sown in his heart. This is he which received seed by the way side.allows me to know you may not get what I'm telling you now.

    This is vital. The thief (The Devil) cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. The Devil/Satan wants every human to suffer and die. This is love shared with you both, with a warning. Do not let your gift of salvation go. Pause reading these words and receive Jesus now. The sin you are allowing otherwise will continue to curse your family and harm much. Once you both have Jesus Christ living inside you, you can both go to Father God in faith for saving your marriage. This will take time, energy and courage from you both. If you both wake up to the reality of the lake of fire, a horrible place that every unrepentant sinner is heading to go into.

    Save Your Marriage. Accept Jesus. Forgive one another. Husband you are the head of your household. Love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave his life of her. Cherish your wife. She is the weaker vessel. Turn your lives over to Christ. This world is evil and is falling away. America will soon fall. Strengthen one another. Wife sanctify the Husband. Protect him when his is hurting. Both of you, awaken to light. Time is late. There's not much time left. Don't get lost. Prepare. Get ready. Repair your marriage. Fight ONLY FOR your marriage, not in it. Many people do not 'see' or 'hear' the distractions around them. Husband and wife, can you NOT understand your LOUD distraction, and how your marriage is not functioning as God intends marriage? Love her. Love your Wife. Love yourself. The number one fleshy suggestion, Husband, I can offer you, that has saved me, is:


    "NEVER TOUCH YOUR GENITALS OTHER TO COME TOGETHER WITH YOUR WIFE, URINATE OR BATHE"
    ~ Stands To Reason

    #1
    Confess with your lips; individual sins (Husband and Wife ) together in prayer to Father God.
    #2
    (Husband and Wife) Believe on Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior in your heart. Confess with lips: He came in the flesh.

    #3 Now, you have access to promises and powerful weapons God gives His children to pray over against Satan and his demons. You now belong to God. Daily go forward with Him. Trusting steadfastly.

    #4 Daily Scriptural repentance. Turning away from sin.
    #5 Forgiving each other for your trespasses.
    #6 Study and meditate day and night on Scripture
    #7 Pray together
    #8 Encourage one another
    #9 Treat her as the most important person in your life

    This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would. But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law.

    May you both turn to Jesus, and heal your hearts. Seek Him every day. He promises to keep those who seek Him. Don't take life or your commitment for each other for granted. You both once said marriage vows to each other in front of God and witnesses. Don't let anyone, or any reason take you away from your promises to each other. Until death ONLY do you part. Don't give up. Don't throw away each other. Don't squander your potential together. You can do so much better! Live for Jesus Christ, and I will see you both, one day in Heaven.

    I prayer for you "The best life with your :emoji_cherry_blossom: Wife."

    Amen


    ~ ST:emoji_star:R: Stands To Reason

     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2019
    ILoathePM likes this.
  20. Dr. Mario

    Dr. Mario Fapstronaut

    Okay, I wasn't quite tracking that he's lying the whole time. You two definitely need marriage counseling then. Of course, I'd recommend a Christian marriage counselor, but I don't know if you guys are Christian or not. Either way, definitely need a counselor, because you need a third party emphasizing to him that he is, in fact, in the wrong, and things can't continue as they have been.
     

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