He is only doing it for me...new info :(

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Amanda011, Jul 24, 2019.

  1. Amanda011

    Amanda011 Fapstronaut

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    I have posted before about my situation.
    Long story short, my boyfriend and I had the talk; the I am done talk. He agreed to no PMO and when asked how he was going to accomplish this, he said he will "just stop" I told him he needed to do this because he wanted to and not becaues i didn't like it-- he said he was doing it for us, he wants to be with me. So yesterday he M and edging no O for 45min (right after we were intimate and he O) while I was in the bathroom not even 4ft away (I could see him in through the glass door, he didn't know I saw him). He told me about it, so that's good. I asked him why he felt the need to do this, he said he got horny again - ok, so why didn't you use some of your techniques to help?, he said I don't know (he says this for everything).
    So I told him that I am here to support him, but I feel that I am investing more in his recovery process then he is. I asked what can i do to help or what he needs from me, he said I don't know. I said what about counseling or groups? He said ya what ever I could try them, what ever I wanted him to do, so that we could stay together.
    Through a bit more convo he told me that he is completely indifferent about this and that he is only stopping for me, because he wants to be with me. He said that if we broke up that he would go back to PMO. WTH...ahhhhhh
     
    Deleted Account and Galaxy Tree like this.
  2. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Sad. At least now you know where you stand -- and where he stands.
     
    Deleted Account and Omda72 like this.
  3. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    I think you see it right. He has to do it for himself.
    Manipulation never works.
     
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  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Who said anything about manipulation?

    It's a catalyst. Sometimes doing it for your SO or the relationship is the only thing that will get the fire lit under the PA's ass enough to seek help. Sometimes - often times - they begin to realize through the help they seek, exactly what they were doing and how badly they were damaging themselves and those around them. Sometimes it's the only way they figure it out. Through doing it for their SO, they begin to realize how badly they need to do it for themselves. It tends to be the natural progression.

    It doesn't always turn out that way, but very often it does.
     
  5. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I see the issue, in general, as closer to the saying: "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink"

    An SO absolutely can bring up the conversation and gather resources and even start with couples therapy sessions, etc. But the PA has to move from being led to leading themselves, and the quicker the better.

    The SO can't be the driving force for change long term.
     
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  6. The Lone Ranger

    The Lone Ranger Fapstronaut

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    So I figure you see P-use as infidelity. Do you think it’s the same with him O-ing without P or fantasising about others?
     
  7. Galaxy Tree

    Galaxy Tree Fapstronaut

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    You should ask him if he really wants to live being addicted for the rest of his life or if he wants to step into the real world
     
  8. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    The only thing is, that you can do is show him what over aspects of his life effects it. At least for my husband was f. e. Mood swings and troubles with sleep. I didn't realize the extension of it until he stopped.
    Maybe make him do a trial for 4 weeks, not expect to do more. At my case he read about it, didn't think it's really his problem, made a trial, went back, few months after he limited, so he can o with me, he didn't want to stop and I knew it. He realised though, that it consumes his energy and got mood swings when it was more. And that was a lot but for two years no progress. He limited sometimes more when he had to do more work, cause he needed the energy and knew it steals it. We got baby and after he got heavier with it due to no sex before and after birth, he decided to quit, cause now he got more responsibilities for which he needed energy and didn't have more time. Since than he asked me to hide his electronics for the night and sometimes when I go out with kid and he stays alone at home.
     
  9. Advocate109

    Advocate109 Fapstronaut

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    [Ok, so i wanna be perfectly clear about this and may receive some negative feedback, but theres nothing wrong with PMO usually. Only when it becomes an obsession and confusing and the overall sex life is affected. Making someone stop watching porn for your own selfish reasons is strait up sex shaming and a relationship cannot last off of it.
    QUOTE="Amanda011, post: 2162695, member: 338788"]I have posted before about my situation.
    Long story short, my boyfriend and I had the talk; the I am done talk. He agreed to no PMO and when asked how he was going to accomplish this, he said he will "just stop" I told him he needed to do this because he wanted to and not becaues i didn't like it-- he said he was doing it for us, he wants to be with me. So yesterday he M and edging no O for 45min (right after we were intimate and he O) while I was in the bathroom not even 4ft away (I could see him in through the glass door, he didn't know I saw him). He told me about it, so that's good. I asked him why he felt the need to do this, he said he got horny again - ok, so why didn't you use some of your techniques to help?, he said I don't know (he says this for everything).
    So I told him that I am here to support him, but I feel that I am investing more in his recovery process then he is. I asked what can i do to help or what he needs from me, he said I don't know. I said what about counseling or groups? He said ya what ever I could try them, what ever I wanted him to do, so that we could stay together.
    Through a bit more convo he told me that he is completely indifferent about this and that he is only stopping for me, because he wants to be with me. He said that if we broke up that he would go back to PMO. WTH...ahhhhhh[/QUOTE]
     
  10. Ouch. Ouch and ouch. How does this feel to hear this? What happens from here?
     

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