He MO'd to family members.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by SOSo, Aug 7, 2017.

  1. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

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    My little sister, my dad's girlfriend. People we interact with on a regular basis. I don't know if I can come back from this. It's too close to home and personal. This is so messed up.
     
  2. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Oh noooooo! How did you find this out?!?!
     
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  3. This is unfortunate. This is probably, again unfortunately, par for the course for a PA. The desire for novelty means every possible fantasy is going to be used for MO at some point. We are a depraved bunch.

    Sorry, that doesn't make it easier, and it doesn't make it right. Not by a long way. I'm sorry you have to know this. It's a lot easier to forgive PA, i imagine, when it's strangers in movies. Its all cheating, but at least that doesn't have a personal element.

    How shit this whole thing is. To be an SO of a PA must be horrible. Good luck to you both.
     
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  4. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

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    Asked him about his Facebook activities.
     
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  5. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this.
     
  6. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    I am really sorry that you are dealing with this. I can not imagine how awful :(
     
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  7. Ugh sry. I don't want to know those types of specifics for this reason. I don't want to know anything else except what you are doing to make this right! And the proof will be in the pudding. Wish that pudding would be made alittle faster thats all! Cause I'm fricken hungry!

    Do something good for yourself today! Nails, hair, massage, shopping...anything that tends to make you feel good. You deserve it!

    I also had an ex that hooked up w my younger cousin when she was babysitting for us. It took me a very long time to get over that but that is bc there was mutual physical contact. Just try your hardest to push this out of your mind and realize it wasn't about the person it's about the addiction.

    *hugs*
     
  8. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for the support everyone. I'm still working on things with him. He is severely depressed today but still trying. I'm pretty depressed too. I held him in my lap while he cried. I'm not trying to punish him at all. I feel like he's in pain.

    I wish I could do something for myself. As it is I worked with the kids all day (I'm a teacher), then came home to dog diarrhea and a sad husband.

    I am still not really eating, but tomorrow I will go to a friend's house and chat, and visit with her 1 year old munchkin. I hope it will be soothing.

    It's hard. I'm a little numb right now, and I'm hoping to get better. For myself.
     
  9. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    yikes and ughh and yuck. know that many here who read your post feel horribly for you and actually understand a piece of your pain and shock.

    I want to echo a bit of what @AverageBear said - as addicts we do stuff, have done stuff, that we could never have imagined. things way outside our values. sorta like breaking your kid's piggy bank to buy drugs. or gambling away a paycheck that was needed to pay rent. things that forever haunt us and convince us that we are completely without any redeeming quality.

    that is not to make an excuse or diminish the awfulness of the offense in any way.

    but there's good news!!!! I see two hugely good things from your posts. 1)your husband sounds like maybe he's broken enough to get help. as much as it sucks, we almost always need some earth-rocking experience to break through our fog and denial. maybe this is it for him. encourage him to get help now, while he still feels the pain. this moment will pass - help him not waste it. have him read yourbrainonporn.com - it's a great place to start. and easy ;-)
    2) you are feeling and acting compassionate! that is such a gift for him, if he only realizes it. try to hang on to that compassion as long as you can. your husband is still in there. the man who would be shocked and angry by such aberrant behavior is still there -he's just covered in the mud and muck of addiction and self-loathing.

    I wish you the best! it's likely not going to be a short or easy road. but it is possible. peace.
     
  10. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the encouragement. I lashed out in anger when I found out, he lashed out at me (playing into my fears and saying he was a monster and I should just be rid of him). He apologized immediately after for trying to hurt me in that moment.. I called him disgusting (I later relayed that I don't think he is disgusting, just his actions). I cooled off and talked it through with him. But I was so sad and angry. He is ridiculously hard on himself and he's taking a step forward. He's getting an accountability partner soon, he's going to start meditation, seek therapy, and get good rest. I have confidence in him.

    I'm sick to my stomach about it, but as the days pass I am becoming more and more aware of how bad this addiction is and how my support is essential. I want him to get better, and I told him even if I was out of his life I would continue to want him to seek help. I believe he truly loves me and will work on this. He came home and immediately asked to FANOS today.

    It doesn't make me feel better about the action. He expressed that he is an irredeemable person and that this is "who he is" and he is not even sure of the person he is without porn and it scares him. I told him that this addiction does not define him.

    My mother has been an addict her whole life. I asked him what he thought of sober her vs. drug her. If they are the same person. I think that clicked for him. He expressed that my mother is a lovely person without drugs and absolutely horrendous when she's on a bender. I view this addiction no differently. I have compassion for my mother as much as I have compassion for my SO.
     
  11. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    it shouldn't, nothing should make you feel better about that or any other despicable action. to think otherwise is denial or delusion. it doesn't, however, mean it defines him. as you already know

    and this is one of the biggest tools of the beast to keep us trapped. I objectively know I am a piece of crap - I can prove it. one of my primary roles as father is to care for my family - I got fired from my job for using porn at work. we could have lost our home - as it is I raped my 401k for almost 2 yrs, delaying retirement for who knows how long... I can objectively say I have failed. I have done other things beneath my dignity. I have proven time and again that I cannot control even my own actions. I have tried innumerable times to quit and failed. By any measure I am a failure. and owning that causes me to feel bad (duh!) and raises my anxiety - and my proven way of finding a few moments of peace is in the fog and single-mindedness of the dopamine high. it is work for me to say "I am NOT a piece of crap. I am a good person (!) who has a problem and has done bad things. I don't have to remain this way all my life" this takes work for me to say, even more to believe. I am very much still in progress on this specific front.

    at some point, hopefully soon, your husband will begin to realize the same. it helps tremendously to participate somewhere like NF, where you learn you are not the most depraved and disgusting person on the globe. Where he can learn there are legions in the same exact freaking boat.

    that is so awesome!!! to so quickly be doing those things is super hopeful!!! I might add a face-to-face SAA group would also be a great thing to add. it helps to see other men, respectable men, that are struggling with the same stuff. when it comes to therapy, be ready to move on quickly if it doesn't' seem right. there are loads of therapist out there who don't see a prob with porn, or simply don't think porn addiction exists. There are Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) that might be worth looking up.
     
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  12. brett alphonso

    brett alphonso Fapstronaut

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    Damn tj
    Damn that is really terrible.. he really needs to snap out of it and get his shit together
     
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  13. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

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  14. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the advice and encouragement. It means a lot to have so much support from so many here.
     
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  15. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    Can someone stitch this on a pillow and send it to my wife? :(
     
  16. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

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    Mine only tells me some things when prompted an with the right questions. It's infuriating, he never just owns up to anything on his own. Then when he tells me he has told me everything I manage to find one thing new. He swears it because he "can't remember" or "it's been so long" or "I don't know". Makes me want to punch him.
     
  17. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Is he ready to tell you everything after this? If not, it may be time to consider an ultimatum.
     
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  18. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

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    I'm just unsure how to proceed. He's obviously still got some confessions in the bank still. I love him and it's killing me.

    He's been lying his whole life. He's told me A LOT already but it takes prompting and thinking of the right questions. He just states that "it takes the questions for him to remember". His automatic responses are awful. So I'm getting nowhere. I just want to be able to trust and respect him again, and the truth will set me free.

    I don't want to have to seek it, I want him to want to come to me out of respect and love and wanting to rebuild trust.

    I wonder how many PAs on these forums have divulged the whole truth.
     
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  19. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    My PA's mother clued me in to such things as how at Christmas dinner both she and his sister were disgusted at how he was in a creepy trance leering across the dinner table at his uncles wife, who might be a 4 on a great day. Merry Christmas everyone .....:rolleyes: And she had asked me if he was buying himself sex toys.... I honestly thought she was crazy but she was really just squealing on him and not out rightly so bc then that might be too much of a parental role for a parent to take on. I was supposed to be the one to confront it all not her, the person who knew all this shit was happening but instead I was thrown bread crumbs to piece it all together like some sick Scooby Doo mystery. That whole family is f'd up so none of this in hindsight surprises me.
    As for Facebook, it's a total porn sub and gateway. Mine was using it to get around the content blocker on his phone as a third party extension and also using people's personal fb pics to match up to porn to whack himself off to. He also had a secret Fb and Gmail account I discovered when I set up a nanny cam to catch him. Sadly I set the cam up to prove to myself that I was obviously being a complete suspicious person and he wasn't as bad as I believed bc he was telling me he wasn't......yeah wtf ever he was worse than I imagined. Enter Craigslist postings looking for trans and anything he could get his mouth on, nude selfies included as a bonus prize.
    Literally I used to think nothing could shock me....ha not any more.
     
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  20. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    As much as you want him to do it himself unprompted, it sounds like he is so addicted it will not happen without an ultimatum. But sometimes that is exactly what needs to happen to get them to the point of seeking help. When they are in so deep they sometimes can't find a way out. It may not look like they even want to find a way out, but they do and that's when we need to kick their asses into gear.

    You cannot ignore these red flags. The signs are everywhere. You have reached a point where you know you cannot allow this to go on any longer or it will go to a deeper, darker place. The time to take action is now. You have to make a decision and stand firm on it. We are here for you, supporting you.
     
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