He MO'd to family members.

It's just all so deranged, isn't it? They act like everything they do behind closed doors is theirs alone. They never try to see how it effects EVERYTHING. I just don't get it.

But damn, even mom is telling you what's up!

I snooped about a month ago and then told and apologized to him and he totally just let me believe I was being a crazy snoop (I hadn't snooped in years because I thought he got his act together and I started to trust him again, which took a lot of effort and pain on my part after catching him the first time)! Then swore up and down he wasn't up to anything. Then come to find out...

Why is it so hard to just tell the truth?

 

Thank you. I just fear for his depression at the moment. I want to help him but I'm finding myself obsessing now and just non stop asking him questions. I'm a little crazy at the moment. Being supportive doesn't feel like my agenda right now even though I know it's best. I'm just devastated. I think I am fucking everything up.

 

And I have to remind myself of this to be more compassionate. Thank you.

 

He started to get really angry and defensive last night because he felt like "nothing will get better", "I've ruined everything", "I've completely fucked this up", and it just made me upset he had no hope in the face of seeing what his actions have caused in regard to the emotions I'm having.

I told him it felt awful that he can't even have hope and deal with these talks after 8 days, yet I have had to deal with this behavior, lying, deceit, awful sex life, feelings of inadequacy and depression for 11 years? I know he's gone through some similar emotions, but I didn't do this to him. He did this to me and himself. He has hurt me in more ways than just the porn.

He turned to porn while I tried to turn to him. He chose porn over me for 11 years. He chose porn over LIFE. What kind of life is that? What a waste of time and energy porn is.

 

Thank you, it's hard not to feel like I am. He will get help or I can't stay. That's the bottom line. He makes excuses for himself ("I haven't had time"... he certainly had hours to devote to PMO though), but he needs to be the one to find the resources and do the work. I'm tired of being the one doing the legwork.

He acts like he has had no time at all in the past to do anything for us (even a simple phone call or email), he could of done all these things the mornings he spent PMO and all the hours he spent P and P-subbing during the day.

He even PMO'd in my dad's house during movie nights. Just disappeared for ages to "go to the bathroom". I can't trust him anywhere.

He needs to do this for himself, I get that, but I need to feel important too.

 

Same to you, Bel. This is a downright exhausting problem. I wish you the best in your journey. Be there for yourself and keep coming back to us. We will be here.

 

It's really better said than done. I'm trying. I still find myself being cold and a little crazy, but I keep reminding myself to have clarity and be kind. He's not exactly having a great time these last 4 days. It will get better.