He told me he preferred Brunettes...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by hopingmyheartcanbereapired, Dec 14, 2017.

  1. After asking a bunch of questions today, he admitted he preferred looking at brunettes during pmo. He said the blonds looked fake. I have dirty blond hair and it makes me want to go bleach it white blond!! He went 17 years, 6 babies and both successful careers before dday March 14, 2017. He says he no longer pmo, and no longer has pied, but I wish he would have just told me everything in the beginning. It’s being drug out, piece by piece, by my questions, not by him coming to me. How do I get him to tell me everything, so I can make a decision on if this heartache is worth going through?
     
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hey...
    I feel your pain.
    I am not Asian.
    My SO had yellow fever as it's called.
    I completely understand your pain and wanting to change your hair.
    I really wish my guy had only had a hair preference.
    It would have made it Sooo much easier.
    I'm glad you found the forums.
    I know it's difficult not knowing if he has more to disclose.
    Is he in therapy?
     
    Jennica likes this.
  3. I’m sorry for your pain too! I feel like there maybe other preferences, I just don’t know them yet, because I don’t know exactly what questions to ask? He wants it to just be “our past”. But that was my life, my body and my energy I gave him! We went to counciling once and he told her he stoped pmo and his life is totally different. She told me I would be glad I have a “new boyfriend” now. I don’t think she’s the right counselor for us...
     
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  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I agree... And we have been on our journey awhile.
    Everyone has different things they want to know.
    I'm a know Every thing.
    Every little detail.
    So I know he isn't lying anymore..
    But others only want certain details.
    So that much is up to you. I personally believe that as much as he wants to tell you as long as he believes it's everything that's as much as the SO should listen to.
    So he can heal.
    So you can.
    But my opinion.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  5. I want to know every detail too, it was a life hidden from me. I find it hard to fathom trusting him ever again. How long has your journey been and when did you see it getting better? Thank you so much for your encouraging words.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Two years last February.
    And I saw it getting better when he made his Lists, in my signature.
    So big big strides there.
    Before that, were baby steps...
    Boundaries List
    No social media
    Therapy!
    Couples counciling
    Vetting some movies, not all
    Being accountable for certain times but not everything (bro dates were the big ones)
    No phones on trips
    Hunny do list
    A few others....

    Once the Lists happened, everything changed...
    About 10months in we had a sudden burst of transparency.
    It never stopped. It was a flood gate.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Jennica like this.
  7. Wow!!!! Thank you for the list idea. It’s worth a shot.. I’ll keep ya posted!
     
    Jennica and Kenzi like this.
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Your Welcome.
    My SO just had me update it today, actually.
    He made them about 14 months in.

    Best of luck!
     
  9. lovebug_km

    lovebug_km Fapstronaut

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    So, this had been my exact life for the past few days. Except my SO was all about dark hair and tattoos and I'm very very blonde (have tattoos just not covered in them). So it's made me feel awful about myself and our house is the definition of toxic right now. Seems like there's always going to be an issue like this that pops out of no where...
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    The cycle likes fade.
    The PAs evolution of whatever they were into isn't what they are into in real life unless it's a fetish.
    It's just what they were on at the moment they quit.
    It could have been cheerleaders next... You just don't know, because they quit.
    That's the upsetting reality
     
    FearMyDiscipline likes this.
  11. I’m so sorry u are going through this. At least he’s giving you details and being honest. How are you getting him to be so honest w u?
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    So I just asked my SO...
    He felt like our first plan was good... But he just admitted that he was looking for loopholes while being honest to my face, he was still trying to work behind the scenes.
    Then he made a decision to be a good man and knock it off and THAT is what changed.
    Loovely
    So that's where the Active action work came in at 10months... See?
    Transparency.
    (-, -) jerk
    So he's a year and a half sober by some good grace...
     
  13. lovebug_km

    lovebug_km Fapstronaut

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  15. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    I've been honest with my answers about this exact problem, it took me hours of discussions to get the truth out, because I've got major issues with communication that I know I have to work on, which I'm trying. I've caused a lot of pain with these issues, and made @lovebug_km feel terrible. She's the most important woman on the planet to me, and she means more to me than anything else, I've f***ed up majorly a few times in our recovery, but I want to fix this and will not give up
     
  16. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    To me this just looks like another way to blame shift responsibility for the addiction to you. It is subtle and he may not even realize he is doing it, but its pretty clear to me. “I have to look at porn becasue I am not attracted to women that look like you. I like something other than you so of course I need to look porn. I like you too but you are not my preference. If you had blonde hair I would not need porn.” Of course this thought process is ridiculous and irrational. He has been with a brunette for how long and had no issues? And you could die your hair. It has nothing to do with your hair or you. Its all about trying to shift blame. Addicts often feel so guilty inside that they will look for anyway for it not to be their fault. That’s what is going on here. I know this is hard but it’s not about you, I promise. Dying your hair will not change a thing.
     
  17. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    You cannot make anyone be honest, they have to want to do it themselves. And some people who suffer from pathological lying, narcissism etc may never be able to do it. Many addicts have been living a lie for their entire lives so often they lie and don’t even realize they are doing it. I always say it’s like learning to speak entirely in a foreign language for the rest of your life. It takes effort and has to be a conscious decision. Many addicts and most pathological liars have developed this habit because when they told the truth their parents scolded them. They learned it was better to lie and avoid conflict. The best advice I can give you is that you neeed to remind him an help him through this new language, and when he does tell you the truth you cannot get upset. I know this is really hard, and it is something I did not do well at all. I am no longer dating my addict ex. But if your partner sees that when he tells you things, even bad things, that you will react not in anger he’s more likely to be honest with you.
     
  18. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

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    I agree with GG2002 on this because my SO is quick to Frustration then Anger for anything at times and for me who has a hard time expressing how I truly feel that makes things much harder. Once that happens even though she hasn't said it in a very long time all I hear is "OMG your so Stupid" and then I start to shut down and not say anything.
     
  19. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I don't want to sound like I am quibbling about words, but what he prefers in porn may not be what he admires in real life.

    There's a great thread @TryingToHeal started: Did you find your partner less attractive while viewing porn? Most of the respondents share your experience but in my post I tried to show that the opposite can be true for some of us (there's a fuller version in my journal post here).
     
  20. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    It’s interseing you say that because any type of negative things I said to my ex pmo addict he heard “you are a stupid idiot.” Problem being two fold. First it did not allow me to ever discuss any issues with him. No matter how I approached it even if I was non confrontational he still heard him was stupid. And second because he heard he was stupid he wanted to block it out and so he never actually heard what I was saying. We would literally have the same conversation 50 times about something that upset me and he would act like it was the first. In the beginning I thought he was gaslighting me but later realized he really had blocked it out. So I started putting it in a text and pulling it up when he denied it. If you are focused on your own pain and hear all attempts by your SO to raise an issue as negative you are unlikely to succeed at a relationship because there can’t be effective communication. In his case he had an overly critical mother and that caused really low self esteem. Healthy people can hear criticism or a difference of opinion and respect it and try to improve. And while some women are guilty of nagging over everything most actually have asked their partner multiple times to change and the issue to them is a big deal whatever it may be.

    I understand her level of anger and it comes from being hurt and frustrated. If you can imagine telling someone something hurts you over and over they have and they keep doing it that’s very angering. I know you are an addict but in a relationship you are still hurting her. Give her an outlet for her pain and validate it. I agree that a SO has to learn not to react in anger if they want the truth. That being said the more you make her feel safe, validate her feelings and practice honesty the easier it should get for her. And you can only mess up so many times eventually honesty won’t fix it you have to be realistic in that regard. You may not realize that she’s also looking to you to help deal with her own pain. What often happens is addicts in recovery are so wrapped up in their own pain they can’t see how much pain she’s in. She also likely lacks any support outside of you as she’s embarrassed and thinks it’s her fault. Maybe some counseling will help.
     

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