HE TOLD SOMEONE IRL

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Queenie%Bee, Jul 18, 2019.

  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I just got a call from his sister .
    He called her and said it “ I have a porn addiction , it happened before and it came back recently “

    They had along conversation, she told him she was going to reach out to me .
    She told him he need to take the boys out and him to tell HIS story , as their father .

    We had a good conversation, as my SIL she isn’t judging anything . Her husband is an alcoholic, sober 5 years did all the work .

    She asked what I was thinking .
    I said I was happy for HIM
    THat that must have been REALLY hard for him and freeing at the same time .

    As for “Us” I told her there isn’t an US . I don’t know if there will ever be an US again . The damage of the lying and hiding , I think for me has come to the end of the road .Ill never be lied to again . To ensure this , I can not be with him .

    I care about him . I want him to get the help and support he needs . But not from me in that way .
     
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Good news for him and you,now it’s out in the open, a bit. I understand completely about the lying , hiding and deception. I guess this is where detaching with love comes in.
    I don’t know life can be complicated.
    One day at a time...
     
  3. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Which part ? That I won’t tolerate lying anymore? Done it for almost 2 decades . I don’t think my words , considering the history were harsh at all actually, maybe you just don’t know my situation.
     
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  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    No , he actually isn’t my “partner “ hasn’t been my partner . If he was my partner we’d be sharing not lying and betraying over and over . More than anything he’s made me feel nonexistent. The reason it’s in the SO section is because our “ partners “ choose lying and deceit over truth and consequences.

    You are not in my shoes . Let me ask you this , have you ever been lied to by someone you LOVE ? The one person who should protect you ? If so how many times ? Would you be able to move forward fully from past lies IF you just found out the lies are still happening. Show empathy instead of judgment.
     
  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I didn’t talk about him like trash . I didn’t character assassinate him . He is not giving me perspective, his sister told me HE told her . That’s not him giving me perspective. All he has done is minimize , gaslight and blame for the last month . None of it verbal , all thru text and email . Everyone has their line , mine just happened to have taken 15 years of lying and hiding while I let myself be 100 % vulnerable.
    You didn’t answer my questions though , have YOU been lied to like that ?
     
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  6. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Just wanted to jump in real quick as a PA who also hid his PMO from his SO for 15 years before confessing everything: I expected she would leave the marriage when I confessed. She would have been right to do so. My deception was perhaps the greatest violation, and it is honesty that I am committed to today in equal parts with abstaining from PMO in any and all forms.

    If she came to me tomorrow and said that she had reconsidered and she just could not move past the 15 years of deceit, I would be crushed, but she would be justified in doing so. Every person and every situation is unique, and sometimes Humpty Dumpty cannot be put back together again.

    I cannot stand in judgment over or even pretend to advise any SO who is dealing with SA/PA in their relationship. Each one must make their own decision on how to move forward with their own life in a way that is healthy and helpful.

    As for me personally, I find nothing in what you wrote above, @Qnb42078 , to be out of line or inappropriate. As a (former) elite liar and as a man who grew up in a family of master manipulators, egregious gaslighters, and maximal minimizers (and is still dealing with the fallout from that to this day), I want you to know that you are completely justified in what you have said and in how you have chosen to deal with this tragedy in your life. You don't need to hear this from me in order to be validated, of course. My words may matter little to you, and rightly so! I just wanted to speak up with a slightly different PA perspective from what was being presented above.
     
  7. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    I believe I can appreciate the affect of dishonesty from a different context. Flat out lying is one thing, but we all know people who are dishonest in some way even when it results in harm to others and will never admit it, apologize much less make any kind of amends. Nobody needs people like that, including relatives.

    And let me just say taking sides does not mean support. Maybe guys may identify with the PA side and support them even when they are absent. Since this forum is for support, let the people who need support be here and talk about their own perspective if they want support from the community, otherwise it is a gross generalization of a very personal situation. Of course, if there is even denial about having a problem or when one engages in such behavior then it's hard to get any kind of support. TBH I don't even think everyone who goes to a recovery meeting are really that honest in this sense: Some may start seeing meetings as a place to get support rather than a place to help them change. When that is the case they can be in a holding pattern at best, when the second factor of wanting to change is there then you can start the actual process of recovery, support without that movement is at best perpetual relapse prevention through social means. Hopefully the second part is there at least a little bit, but I think sometimes people do this confessional thing at meetings just because it is the thing to do.
     
  8. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your words . I can say in the 15 years there has ONLY been DISCOVERIES never DISCLOSED anything ever . This last almost 3 years since DDAY , I’ve used the “ progress not perfection “ and “ I can handle slips with TRUTHS “
    I’ve been so so supportive. Never w an iron fist
     
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  9. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    As I say to my boys all the time these last few years (ever since I confessed and got serious about recovery): "There can be no relationship without honesty." It is irrefutably, indisputably essential.
     
  10. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I don’t know what you want me to say ?
    My perspective is I’ve been a supportive wife in this addiction. My perspective is , given opportunity to tell the truth or disclose to me , I was left to DISCOVER every single time . Blindsided over and over again . I was not sexually abused . I was not left . But I am at my max capacity of how many more lies and how many more times he’ll betray my trust in him . There is NO relationship if one person is ALWAYS honest and vulnerable and the other is not . I know my worth and it’s a hell of a lot more than that . You’ve judged too quickly . Something I’ve learned in healing is to not judge . I sit on no throne of judgment. You have yet to answer my question, but here’s a few more :
    Are you in a relationship
    Are you in recovery
     
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  11. I'm glad he finally starting putting his two lives into one life. That's part of this. That is some progress on his part. I'm heading more and more in your direction every day. As much as I love my partner, it feels like I die a little bit with each discovery. I really like the line, without honesty there is no relationship. That's completely true. That's what was missing in all of our relationships and why we are on here now.
     
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    That is a reasonable statement . I can write open and honest . Those that have nothing to hide , hide nothing .

    What do I want ? What have I always wanted ? To not be lied to . It REALLY makes you question EVERYTHING. Especially when I was supportive .

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...01/how-secrets-and-lies-destroy-relationships

    Ive been here for awhile . Maybe read my journal . I HAD hope . My words were raw and vulnerable.

    You don’t have to DO anything. They were simple questions to maybe let me have empathy for your position. An addict not in real recovery lacks empathy, especially for the SO on here . It’s a tribe of betrayed spouses from ALL walks of life . Getting support from one another . And most PA on here will tell you I have supported them as well . NEVER from a condemning stance EVER . We would like the same respect . Sure when an SO comes on here at first she is ANGRY . No one has ever validated what she feels . Give the new SO time , and the more seasoned as I am , sure I have my ANGRY moments . Of course I do . I’m human .
     
  13. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    :)
    We actually aren’t that complicated lol
    At least I am not
     
  14. Betrayal trauma is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I find it amazing and reassuring that when I look at the SO journals, they are basically all the same. The fact that they are is telling of the reality of what the deception does to another person. We can't all just be crazy, right? Of course not. We are just trying our best to deal with the hand dealt to us.
     
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  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Dude . I’m so chill floating on a dock fishing . Nice distraction from the real world . I’m not angry today at all ☺️
     
  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    ❤️ I just caught a decent size big mouth bass .
    It’s beautiful out today . Just me and my pink lady Ugly Stick . My life today is good . In this moment I have peace xoxo
     
  17. Enjoy your day and glad he is starting to tell others about who he is. That was huge for me in recovery from my drug addiction ten years ago. I think it's a huge step for anyone in recovery.
     
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  18. I find it interesting that you didn't answer the question of are you in a relationship or not...
     
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  19. Also, what are your thoughts on the importance of trust in a relationship and since we don't seem to get it, how long does it take to get trust back? That's a legimate question I have as do other SOs.
     
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  20. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I don't think you have a clear understanding of what betrayal trauma does to someone. Actually, I don't think you have a clue about any of the things from the SO side. Most of us HAD a vision before our lives were spun around and flipped upside down. Those of us here are doing the best we can to try to get our lives back on track, and that's not an easy thing to do when the person who should be sharing your vision is the one who derailed you in the first place. Even so, not every SO here is unable to give you a clear understanding of what recovery is to them. Just because you read their journal doesn't mean you know all of their thoughts or ideas. It's where we are able to write about anything we think or feel at that moment.

    Most probably expect their partners to stop causing damage to the relationship and start fixing what they can. Obviously, it's also expected that they stop thinking only of themselves, show some respect, and stop lying and deceiving. It isn't really that complicated.

    There isn't a set time line for this. That particular "point" will vary depending on each situation...how much damage has been done, how committed the partner is to their recovery, and what kinds of steps are being taken to heal the relationship, etc. SO's, more than anyone, would love to know exactly how long this process will take, but no one can answer that.
     
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