He wants to go back

@Merovingian hasn't posted for years, and when he did I found his posts difficult to read, but there was truth in what he wrote:

That's definitely harsher than I would put it, but perhaps he needs to understand the risk he is taking going back to porn. If he knows he will lose you then he knows the risk. If he blatantly chooses porn over you then would you want to be with him?

 

I agree with much of what @kropo82 has written. The only thing I would ask is why the sudden dramatic change? A relapse is usually a gradual slide back down the hill; this reads more like turning around and deliberately jumping off the cliff. Surely there must have been some sort of trigger that brought this about? Do you have any idea what has put him in this state of mind?

 

Hard truth is what so many need, versus how can I help him. My PA was under the assumption I would stay with him no matter what, wrong is what he found out.

 

Usually you have to wing off of anti-depressents not just quit and I hope you know you are enough!

 

Oh, sweet one! I am sooo sorry you are going through this!!! It's one thing to find out about it. It's another thing to have tasted the great relationship that recovery can bring. My heart hurts for you, @ElizabethBennet!

While I work with couples on this issue, I've rarely seen a man do this so boldly! Normally they usually slide back into it and lied before coming to us for help.

I wish I had more time, because I have a TON to say on your situation, but here's what's coming to mind...

The overall process can look like this:

1) PORN will not be enough for him. It's biologically incapable of satisfying him! Only a loving sexual relationship with you can satisfy him mentally and emotionally.
2) I believe if you focus on living a great life without him, he may catch wind of it and realize PMO isn't all he hoped for. Now it can be very difficult to move on, but from what I've seen, when women go through a time where they know their husbands CAN do the work, but choose not to, the women actually get stronger.
3) Don't miss the amount of harm the abuse does. (He could come back all ready to get clean again, but if abuse is happening, it's as if he never got clean in the first place.)
4) If you hand him over to a higher power's judgement, it could be that your husband hits rock bottom.
5) At that point, you can choose to take him back or not. That's totally up to you! It may be that you're so strong and finally happy and are able to see any minor abuses that he was still committing, that you don't ever want to go back to that. It could be that you're able to see clearly enough to tell him EXACTLY what he needs to do to rebuild your trust.
6) If you do take him back: It may be that meds are that important to his overall recovery and to the health of your marriage, that I would think one thing to require would be that he takes his meds in front of you, even checking under his tongue kind of way.

As for now, though, the baby steps can be where all you do, moment by moment, is: To ask yourself, "What do I want to do right now?" and do it. When you get tired of that, move on to the next thing. Allow yourself time to grieve, but when your mind shifts to something else, it's time to get up and do something pleasurable.


All in all, go at your own pace. That's the way to make sure the trauma model is at work in your healing. If you have any questions, feel free to send me a priv msg, so I'll definitely see it.