Healing together

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Cbelle41, Mar 7, 2018.

  1. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Its possible.
    I just got off the phone with him.
    I was honest with him and he was honest with me. He was upset that I found it and of course angry that he now had to defend something that he wrote that I was never meant to see. Which I totally understand. I equivocate it to someone finding your diary when your a teenager. Basically it all boils down to the fact that it's not that he doesn't feel that he loves me every single day it's more pertaining to sexual desire which I just have to kind expect as part of the recovery where are you re- programming your brain to not look at women objectively. I told him that I wasn't expecting him to defend himself but I needed a little reassurance and he did provide it to me. I can tell he was taken off guard... understandably. And I'm sure he's feeling angry about it and violated. Also understandable.
    But I had to be honest and tell him what I saw or it wouldn't be right for me to expect his full disclosure. It wasnt an easy conversation by any means.
    Still, I think it's best that i leave the site and allow him to speak freely. The temptation for me to go to his page will be too great, and it was honestly silly of me to think this wouldn't happen eventually.
    I have way too much anxiety about it and I know myself. Eventually I'll click his name and I'm sure theres things that arent exactly positive about me... I'm human and imperfect after all...and I would feel better not knowing.
    I will miss being able to read up on other SO's experiences and feel that sense of community.. but I just feel this will do more harm than good.
     
  2. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    @Trappist that actually might not be a bad idea! I will look into that
     
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  3. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    @Trappist
    Does ignore mean he cant see me and I cant see him? Is it equivalent of blocking someone ? Cause I think this is the only way to make that work.
     
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  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It means you can't see him.
    He would have to Also block/ignore you to go both ways.
     
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  5. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    If you're logged in, right? They would still be able to see if not logged in and just browsing, I think?
     
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  6. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you!!!
     
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  7. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Yes,big help!!! We have each other mutually ignored now. I have only been tempted a couple times to look up his journal but was able to resist and know me reading his every thought will do more harm than good, and for me it's out of sight out of mind. So not being able to see his comments on other threads will be fine, since that's what caused this in the first place.
    I enjoy having a place i can speak freely too and while I'm not hiding anything from him... it just doesnt seem necessary for him to see my every thought either.
    Everyone deserves some shred of privacy and dignity. So I'm glad we came to this compromise and I dont lose and neither does he. Of course if we run into another problem, I will leave the site as this is more necessary for his recovery and kind of "his turf". But hopefully it doesn't come to that
     
  8. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    So this week Rob and I went on an anniversary trip and it was wonderful.
    We relaxed, we laughed and we had a great time.
    It was nice to take a few days off and just spend time with each other.
    As for any sexual activity... none happened.
    I brought a little lacy number and some other sexy stuff. I am generally not that type of person, but it is actually something my therapist recommended to help me come out of my shell a bit and be more comfortable and confident. I found a piece I actually felt really sexy in a while back and tucked it into my overnight bag. The first night I went to change in my pajamas and while I was brushing my teeth I decided I was gonna try it. I came out of the bathroom to get it and he was already settling into bed with his cpap (he has sleep apnea). Sex clearly wasnt on his mind. I shrugged it off and wasn't bothered. Itd been a long day and he was exhausted.
    The 2nd night, same routine. I was really ready to go for it that night. I came out and went to get it and again.. he looked ready for sleep. I just got into bed. We did end up doing some nude cuddling but he didnt go further than that.
    Even with the nude cuddling... I just wish he would go for it. ... remove my clothes for me and not just ask. Touch me. Show me that my body is desirable to you.
    Eventually we just went to sleep.
    I was a bit disappointed. We were away and it was our anniversary and... he should have wanted me. He should have wanted to feel a connection with me sexually. It was clear, at least to me, both nights... that sex wasnt even registering on his radar.
    But.. both nights he was so tired and I knew it. I reminded myself to be patient. The next day we took a quick nap in each other's arms. It was really sweet, but I could sense something was up... and he suddenly just said "I dont know.. I just dont know if I'll ever figure myself out intimately. "
    I wasnt expecting this conversation at all. Sure, I had felt a little disappointed and maybe a bit neglected. But I understand that with all the crap we've been through I kind of have to be patient and go at his pace for a while. I wasnt angry. So this was unexpected.
    We talked about how I was afraid to initiate because I was so afraid of being shot down. How past experiences with him shot down my confidence, how he was also afraid that he would have impotence, he was so worried about his own performance and my reaction to it.
    I finally came out and said that I was sexually frustrated. How it's been a good year or so since I've had any sexual pleasure because we always took care of him first. I said "we've been so worried about you and your recovery and figuring out your issue that you've kind of forgotten I'm a woman with sexual desires as well. I'm here too, you know."
    I told him I had zero doubt that he loved me but often questioned whether he desired me.
    He tried to reassure me that he did desire me. That I was beautiful. And I finally confessed that I didnt believe him unless he showed me.
    I said "When we first met you couldn't keep your hands off of me. You just went for it because you desired me that much. Now it's clearly a chore for you. Something you have to do. It's been so long since you've shown any desire or lust for me and you have to understand that right now, I wont initiate. So unless you show me, I assume you're not interested. "
    He actually confessed that he had every intention of sex that weekend too and psyched himself out of it over fear.
    I understand that I had some awful reactions to his impotence in the past. I explained to him again that now that I knew the impotence wasnt my fault it didnt hurt so much.
    I said " I dont take the blame anymore so if you go soft, it's ok. It doesnt hurt. It hurts if you stop trying. That's what's gonna fuck with me mentally "
    And that night we laid there and he had prime opportunity.
    He went to sleep.
    I considered initiating again but I kind of just gave up.
    I shouldn't have to beg my boyfriend to have sex with me.
    So I dont know how to fix this.
    All I know is I dont deserve to feel so undesired.
    It hurts.

    But I will continue to be patient.
     
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  9. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Long time no update. There isn't all that much to update with honestly because not much has changed. Things have been okay, we have been getting along and we haven't had any real big problems. We've been talking a lot about getting a place together and while I'm excited to do it I also wonder if it's not a great idea. I love him so much and yet I often wonder whether or not we can really have a true future together. For one thing he is not great at housekeeping and his place is often a mess. I walked in a week or so ago and just was so disappointed and annoyed with the fact that once again his sink was full of dirty dishes and there were things thrown about. His garbage was overflowing and there was an odor in his apartment from it. I understand that with his Asperger's it can be hard for him to keep up with things but at the same time he is a grown ass man and should be able to clean up after himself. He is recently gotten really into cooking and he is so focused on that that by the time it comes to clean up he has exhausted himself and puts it off. I'm glad he's found a new interest however he's gotten so nit-picky about the cooking and ingredients( he is highly seduced by fancy packaging and claims of being organic and all natural and the fact is,he cant afford for all of his groceries to be top of the line. He has to work on prioritizing that.) That meal time has become a bit of a project. We can't just cook a meal, we have to look up a YouTube video about how Gordon Ramsay does it and do it exactly like that. I am all a hundred percent for doing things the right way and the best way but sometimes you just want to cook a meal and eat really quick. LOL. He seems to be understanding about prioritizing cost and that we don't have to be Gourmet Cooks every single night so I don't think that's going to be a huge problem but it was bugging me so I'm letting it out here LOL.
    The night I walked into his apartment and it was an absolute disaster I finally told him that this kind of thing would not be acceptable when we have our own place. I said to him that I work hard to make sure I clean up after myself and if I come home and the place is an absolute disaster I am going to be angry. What really drove me insane was the fact that when I started to clean up because I couldn't stand it he just watched me or turned on his computer instead of jumping up to help me. Just got my wheels turning about the future and having children with him and wondering if I would be the one doing all the work and he would be there watching me. I'm probably overthinking that but your mind kind of can't help but go there. I know that he loves me and I know that he wants these things but I often wonder whether he's truly capable of seeing them through. As for him as a loving and doting father I have absolutely no doubts that he will be wonderful. But he doesn't exactly have any sense of urgency and sometimes that is needed. It's hard to address these things with him because he often gets frustrated when you call him out for things like this. And I certainly don't want to turn into a nagging girlfriend. But he needs to know that the boundaries are clear and while I realize I can't change who he is as a person he has to understand that living with somebody you kind of have to compromise a bit and keep up with yourself. I'm certainly not expecting the place to be pristine at all times, but if I leave the house to his dirty dishes and come home to the same ones and he's been home all day it's going to get annoying.
    Rob only works part-time because of his disability. I have no issues with this but I did explain to him that probably meant that he was going to have to take the reins a little bit more with this kind of thing because he will be home more often than I will. I don't expect him to clean up after me but I do expect him to clean up after himself. It's just something that's worrying me. We will have to have a more in-depth discussion about it but I have to hit him at the right time when he is not feeling combative about it.

    As for intimacy, not really much has changed unfortunately. We have had a couple of encounters and he did maintain his erection but.. . It's become so robotic. So planned. I know every move hes gonna make. We still havent even begun to work toward intercourse.
    We do the naked cuddling thing,and since I told him I was hurt that he never thinks to "take care of me" he has tried to pleasure me but I cant help but feel like hes doing it just to do it. Theres such an emotional disconnect with it. It's all very mechanical. He hasnt even attempted to go down on me at all. Just hand stuff. He hasnt brought me to O at all and I haven't faked. I dont know if this is PIED or aspergers or just flat out not being attracted to me sexually.
    I think it's the latter and that hurts.
    When we have talked about it he assures me this is not the case.
    Maybe hes trying to convince himself.
    But how he was when we started dating to now is lightyears away.
    I know after a while it slows down, but this is not what I expected.
    I didnt ask for any of this.
    I could still be reading way too deep into this.
    Or maybe I'm fucking crazy for staying in this and continuing to love him even though at times I feel so repulsive.
    When I bring this up he tends to chalk it up to body image issues which I'm not going to deny are there, but I don't think he realizes the impact of what has gone on in the past few months does to those issues. I know I'm not picture perfect and I have accepted that about myself and know that I am worthy of being desired, wanted, and lusted for.
    Of course I have body image issues but we can't just put it all in that bucket.
    He was talking about one of his meetings about how one of the steps to recovering from addiction is making amends. I asked him who he felt he had to make amends with and he mentioned a couple of people and nowhere on that list was me. Maybe he didn't include me because he wants to think more about it,or maybe he didn't feel comfortable telling me,or maybe he felt it was just understood, but it honestly felt like a slap in the face that I wasn't second after himself.
    Of course first and foremost he has to forgive himself. That's number 1.
    But I feel in this process I've gotten no credit for the fact that I have dealt with all of this and continue to love him. He hasn't really showed that much gratitude. He hasn't told me that he appreciates everything that I've done to keep us together. He hasn't truly apologize for everything that he's put me through in the past few months. He hasn't apologized for the fact that he's made me feel so undesired.
    I truly hope I'm not the only one who's ever felt this way and I wish I knew somebody who came out from the other side of this. I don't want us to separate and I love him so deeply and I know that he absolutely loves me too but maybe is having some trouble expressing his true thoughts. I try to focus on what's good. Because there is a lot that is good.
    He shows me in little ways that he loves me all the time but sometimes you just need to hear the words. And I don't mean just saying I love you because he says that every day. I need for him to tell me that I'm valued. I need him to tell me that his life is better because I'm in it. I need him to tell me that he thinks I'm truly beautiful and that he loves me just the way I am.

    Because I do. All of it.
    And I dont wanna look back 10 years from now and call myself a fool.
     
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I have two kids that are autistic and if I may offer a tip and hopefully not overstep...
    What really helps both of them when learning new habits, is a poster up in the living room of calendar with times and activities, outlining what is when.
    Also, we have the house rules written and restrictions on the back of the bedroom doors.
    So when they wake up they see it every morning...( And for easy access to review when we go to their rooms to talk with them privately.)
    It's easily outlined which rules go with which punishments and its up where they can see it every day....
    Seeing helps gently remind.
    Does he have anything like that?
    Autism can makes it difficult to remember sometimes... He may only be remembering parts he wants, not all the fine details he needs.
    Or could remember everything but not the right order.... Not being able to keep everything straight on his own can make things worse and extra disconnected for him? I'm just guessing as I see this commonly... Doesn't mean that this is it in your situation, of course.
    His disconnectedness can make it worse for you..I know extreme black and white thinking can make it worse over here.
    So sorry everything is so difficult right now.
    If you have tried these before, please disregard this.
    I hope things improve for you soon.
    -Kenzi
     
  11. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    He has an aide that comes about once a week and they work on stuff like that. He used to be pretty dependent on his parents and once he was diagnosed (which didnt happen till he was about 30!!!) They began working on his habits and behaviors and they decided they just wanted to be his parents. And separate his "treatment" so to speak. She helps him organize himself, and stuff like that.
    As for the cleaning, the issue is he doesnt "clean as you go". Its something that is a simple concept for me but for him its clearly an overload. I try to gently coax him to pick up as he goes, telling him that it wont be so daunting a task it he does it little by little. And he does get it. I can tell hes at times envious at how fast I can move and how I can get things done so efficiently. I try to show him, but I have to to do it gently. As I dont want to overstep and make him feel as though I'm instructing or demeaning him in any way. Pride is important. And I can imagine that when you have these issues and your brain just is wired differently that having to accept help is hard. Getting life coaching from your girlfriend is probably something that immasculates him a bit so I try to keep it to a minimum.
    I think before moving in we have to write down some clear non negotiable boundaries as far as keeping up after ourselves. Not sure how that will look and feel yet but I'm sure we can come up with something.
    I appreciate your advice, really. The autism spectrum is amazing, beautiful, fascinating and also frustrating all at the same time. It's hard to navigate at times but I find myself often in awe at the wiring of his mind. And working with it is a challenge, but I'm up for it.
     
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  12. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    I just feel so alone.
    Like such a loser.
    Like I'm never going to be enough for anyone.
    Even myself.
    I'm always falling short it seems.
    I try to be a good friend and I get left in the dark.
    I try to be a good family member and I'm often the black sheep.
    I try to be a good girlfriend and I feel as though I'm never going to be enough.
    My body is always going to be unappealing in some capacity.
    Once the weight comes off I'll have all this loose skin. I can see it already.
    I've lost 50 lbs and I still look the same. I'm never going to be comfortable with myself.
    I wonder if I'll ever look in the mirror and not want to cry at least a little bit.

    I was feeling good about myself up until about a year or so ago. It's just all gone down hill. All those old insecurities came back.
    Rob asked how I was doing and I told him how i was feeling. His response was
    "Yeah,that's ok."
    I know that especially over text he has trouble with this stuff. I know he didnt mean to be dismissive or insensitive.
    Just once I wish hed drop what he was doing, go out of his way, and come and hug me and just tell me I'm loved.
    He was so focused on what he was doing.
    I cant expect his brain to work the way mine does. And I dont. I just wish once hed surprise me.
    He did a long time ago. I was having a bad day at work shortly after I found out my store was closing. He showed up at work with flowers in the middle of his day.
    It wasnt a huge deal but I cant even explain how wonderful I felt because of that. He took time out of his day to brighten mine. It meant so much. I'm not big on expensive gifts. Gestures are more my love language.
    He abruptly ended our conversation by saying he was going to drive which is of course ok since I dont want anyone texting and driving. I asked where he was going. I secretly wished... so much....that he would just show up just to give me hug, kiss me on the forehead and tell me he loves me. Something like that would have made my week.
    He went home.
    And never texted me again till I finally did. It's not his fault.
    When hes feeling down I drop everything and make sure to remind him that he is wonderful and list his great qualities and make sure he feels better or is at least on his way to it.
    He just doesnt think that way.
    I can't expect anyone else to make me happy.
    I have to do it myself. But man, some affection would be nice.

    I know I have wonderful qualities. I know I'm a sweet and caring person and that I love with all I have.
    I know that I take care of those I love and that not everyone is wired like me.
    Maybe I require too much attention.
    But I dont think I do. I dont feel like wishing someone would take time to help cheer me up is high maintenance.
    But maybe it is. I dont know.
     
  13. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    It is tough when you don't feel reciprocated. But, you're right...you are all those things, and it's good that you remind yourself of that.

    No, that isn't high maintenance. That's human. There are times when everyone needs to feel appreciated or that someone cares about how you're doing. You're aren't requiring too much attention. I don't think the things you're longing for are out of the ordinary or unreasonable at all. I think he just has a difficult time grasping this concept.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. Working through all this stuff is exhausting. I hope he is able to see how lucky he is to have someone who's so compassionate and patient and who's willing to give so much of herself to make this relationship work. You deserve an award, IMO. There should be something like the Academy Awards for SO's who can handle this 'role' without completely losing their mind.;)
     
  14. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Well I'm pretty sure he's mad at me now. Why do I always have to push?
    I think every once in awhile I just get an emotional overload where I just feel so awful about myself and my soul simply begs for love. I was getting snippy with him last night over text because he just seemed to dismiss my feelings. I was pouring my heart out and he said "I hear you" and eventually said that he was going to bed because he was tired.

    I sent back a passive aggressive "thanks. Sorry for being so needy"

    I hate that I did that. I shouldn't get snippy like that and I cant blame another for the fact that I cant get out of my own head.
    And to be honest? I was a little annoyed that while we've texted this week, but havent seen each other since Sunday. I was off yesterday and he hasnt made any effort to ask when I was working or see when we could be together. I know hes just getting wrapped up in his whole routine and doesnt know my schedule and I get that but youd figure on a Friday after a long week his first priority would he figuring out where i was and finding out when he could see me.
    I'm not texting him today. Which is passive aggressive games and I dont want to do that...but I'm sick of being a pest.
    But honestly I know that this is more than likely going to spawn him saying I need to talk to my therapist about these things. Which, hes right. And I do talk to her.
    But we are two years in...heading for marriage and the long haul here. We should be comfortable enough to Express our fears and deep thoughts and have the other support us and lift us back up. I've told him a million times what I need when I feel this way and I dont get like this often, but it feels like I'm just a nuisance when I do.
    And it's not just him. Its everyone. I reach out and people are dismissive.
    I'm usually the fixer. I'm the one that gets everyone out of their funk. I'm the one that reminds you that you're amazing when you feel anything but. I'm the bright side finder.
    But I'm still human and I still struggle.
    Helping others helps me. I always feel at my most fulfilled when I'm helping someone. When I know I've made a difference.
    But every once in a while everything catches up and I am left feeling like no one would give a shit if I disappeared, or that they might even wish I would.
    I feel like such a bother to admit that I am hurting or I'm sad. I'm a pest for wanting a little attention. Someone to drop what they're doing and rush to my side to hold my hand and tell me I'm great and that I'd be ok for once.
    I think it's a shock to everyones system when I get like this and no one knows how to handle it. Family friends or Rob. Like what nerve I have to feel something

    If only they could understand what little it would take to help me feel whole again.
     
  15. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    @hope4healing
    Thank you so much for this. Thank you for validating my feelings. I do think he has trouble recognizing when I don't need advice, just love. I dont think the things I need are unreasonable. I'm literally talking about a hug here. Lol. But at the same time it feels like I'm such a pest for needing anything and I guess that's my hang up.
     
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  16. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Because you are usually the strong one, the one who helps everyone else in need...those rare times when you need the roles reversed and you need someone else to be there for you, maybe it throws them off? They don't know how to react so they just don't. I'm not saying that makes it ok because it doesn't. It shouldn't be so hard to just be there to give a little support to someone you care about. I'm sure they would care if you disappeared nor would they want you to.

    You are one of those people who has the capacity for compassion and understanding of others, and you have an ability to sense and provide whatever kinds of emotional support others may need. Not everyone is like that. It's unfortunate that there aren't more people who are because it can leave you feel unappreciated and unsupported.

    I wish I had something more helpful to say to make you feel better. Stay strong, and I hope things start looking up for you soon. Hugs.
     
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  17. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    @hope4healing
    It helps to feel like my feelings are valid.
    Often when I ask for attention or support (and I hate that I have to ask for it!) I feel somehow unentitled to it.

    Rob came over Saturday. He texted me in the morning "good morning beautiful " which made me feel good. I had to work until about 830 but he seemed insistent on seeing me, which also felt good. It's always nice to feel wanted. He offered to go out or come over and cook for me, but I said I just wanted a hug. That I just wanted him.
    And that's really all I did want. I was desperate for affection and a feeling of closeness.
    My needs feel so demanding to me because it seems the people around me dont recognize when I need it so I have to tell them and I hate asking for help.
    So he did exactly that. He showed up around 9 and we just snuggled for an hour or so and he left because I had to be back in early.
    I made sure to text him once he got home and tell him how much it meant to me that he came over just for that.

    I hope that if I tell him how happy things like this make me, itll help him take the cues later on.

    So things are better. I'm feeling slightly more like myself now. I get so insecure. And I wish I didnt.
    I know rob loves me and I know navigating a serious relationship (I'm his first long term relationship) can be difficult for him. I'm ok for the most part with working through it with him. But as my therapist always says... I am a human with needs and it's ok to make sure they are met. I am entitled to feel loved and secure. That I dont have to constantly put my needs on the back burner for others.

    Old me wouldn't have had him come over. I'd have convinced myself that it was stupid to make someone drive over at 9pm just to hug me and that I was being demanding.

    But... then I remember that if someone asked the same of me, there would be no hesitation. I'd have dropped everything.

    I have to allow myself to be more vulnerable and accept.

    So not a huge step in progress, but baby steps.
     
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  18. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I'm glad you let him come over. It is ok to let your needs be known...and met. When you sent the text thanking him, do you think he understood that sometimes all it takes is something as simple as a brief visit and some good snuggle time? I hope he does things like this more often for you. :)
     
  19. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Well I hope so,he was offering to cook dinner for me which is sweet but it would have taken time and I just said "never mind any of that. I just want you". I think he felt like it needed to be bigger than it was but my need was so simple and I didnt want to complicate it. So I think he got it. :)
     
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  20. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Just updating. The past week has been a bit of a mess because my anxiety had completely taken over me. Last Tuesday I was off from work and I'm not sure what triggered it exactly but I had one of the worst panic attacks I've had in a couple years. I didn't go to the hospital, but I worried all day that I would have to. My panic attacks can start from something so tiny. I'll feel an ache or pain somewhere I haven't before and convince myself in minutes that it's some kind of debilitating condition that will kill me quickly. My rational mind knows that this is absolutely ridiculous but in the moment it always feels so incredibly real. I was off 2 days in a row, and I spend both days completely in a panic and got nothing done. I went back to work the next day and was having a pretty severe panic attack in the parking lot going in but was able to fight it off by telling people that I was feeling that way. For some reason, simply voicing that I'm having a panic attack starts the pressure release. I texted Rob and said that I wasn't looking for advice or a solution I just needed to tell somebody that I was feeling panicked. His first instinct is always to tell me to pop an l theanine or have some tea but I had already done both of those things and I wanted to avoid him feeling like he was trying to help and I was fighting his advice. He understood. He checked on me later in the day. I progressively felt less and less anxious as the day went on.
    I went on to have daily panic attacks, though not as severe, for the next couple of days. I have no idea what is triggering these or why I couldn't bring myself to overcome them but they do seem to have calmed down.
    I talk to my therapist about it and she said that when I have rapid fire attacks like this over a span of a few days it's generally my body's way of releasing daily anxiety that I tend to push away. I'm on the go 24/7. I do get little anxious feelings throughout the day but I push them away because I want to finish what I'm doing, really telling myself that anxious feelings don't rule me. I don't want to be a person that is completely debilitated from anxiety all the time. I don't want to take meds because the last time I tried I tried four different ones in the span of 3 years and all they did was make me feel completely numb and I felt every single side effect including Suicidal Thoughts. I just don't think that medication is the right route for me although I don't think anything is wrong with it for people who need it to function. Some people do great on meds, it just turns out I do not.
    But last week all my coping mechanisms that have worked in the past did not work. Typically during an anxiety attack I tell somebody it's happening and distract myself or make my mind busy and it generally goes away but last week that was not working.
    I guess I have a lot of things to be anxious about. Things with my job can be unsteady and sometimes stressful and I work with a couple of difficult people that tend to drain me. Even though I am in a better financial situation than I was a few months ago, I am constantly stressed out about saving money and being able to live on my own soon. I am constantly fighting the battle for weight loss and everyday with that is truly a struggle because while I don't want my life to be ruled by food I know that it kind of has to be in order for me to get healthier.
    Last week I was having some hopeless feelings about myself. I was thinking about how even if I lose a ton of weight my body is never going to look great and maybe Rob will really never be sexually stimulated by me. I know he tells me time and time again that the reason why he has trouble maintaining erections and what not is because of his warped mind due to years of porn use, and I do truly believe that, but I just wish so much that I didn't have to worry all the time that it was me. I wish I had more confidence in myself. Even on days where I feel pretty good about my body the anxiety monster in my brain reminds me that I'm never going to have a smooth Fit Body. I'm either going to be fat or look like a melted candle. Those are my options. But I always remind myself that I'd rather look like a melted candle and feel healthy and be able to move and have fun then be the fat person anymore.
    I try to remind myself that he chose me just the way I was. I was actually heavier than I am now when we met. I also try to remind myself that his perception and opinion of me should not alter my opinion about myself.
    But I can't pretend that it still doesn't hurt when your boyfriend doesn't seem to want anything to do with you sexually at times. I know that this is part of him overcoming his addiction. But I guess my own shit gets wrapped up in it.
    We haven't seen each other too much this week because of my work schedule, and I miss him. We've been keeping in contact and I would say we've been about equal as far as who initiates so that makes me feel good.
    I have some time off of work this week so I hope we can spend some quality time together. I'm pretty sure he has group tomorrow and I hope he goes as he did miss last week. It seems they've been talking a lot about apologizing to those you've harmed and making amends with people you've affected with your addiction. I still don't know if he has considered me someone that he should be apologizing to or making amends with but I certainly hope that I do pop into his head regarding this. I feel like he needs to recognize all that I've done to keep us together and I don't want to have to prompt him to do it.
    Signing off for now, got to accomplish some of the things I missed when I was in an anxiety Haze last week LOL
     
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