Healing wounds with Wife: will you share?

For Fapstronauts who are disciples of Christ

  1. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Hi Christian Fapstronauts,

    As I’m studying up on Betrayal Trauma and the healing process, counselors have suggested reaching out to other guys who have been further along in the journey. My wife and I have just started our process since May, and I know we have a long road ahead.

    If you’ve been down this road will you share what has worked and what hasn’t?

    Here are some of my questions:
    - what made her feel “safe” again?
    - what does the healing process look like?
    - how long did it take for you to be sexually intimate again?
    - what are the coping mechanisms you as a couple employ when triggers or setbacks happen?

    Thanks much!
     
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  2. Bob385

    Bob385 Fapstronaut

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    I've had problems with porn since my teen years. I've been been married for 2 decades and my relationship with my wife has deteriorated to what is now a very low point. Sometimes, I use the lack of intimacy in our marriage as an excuse to look at porn. But after my self indulgence I know it's going to get worse. Recovery and intimacy return when I go for period without porn.
     
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  3. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    I can't address all of your questions, as my wife did not experience significant BT as a result of my confession about my PMO use.

    However, she felt safer (and still does) knowing that I have accountability software set up on all my electronic devices and that my access to her devices is restricted (password that I do not know). She also like knowing I have a full team of APs. I share with her occasionally about how my interactions with my AP network are going.

    We had some very hard conversations after my confession. I had hid my PMO use from her for 15 years of our marriage, and she had no idea it was happening. It was a bit of a shock, to say the least. I do not recall how long our period of no intimacy lasted, but it was not longer than 1-3 weeks. Because I had not ever engaged in anything with an actual other person (cams, massages, prostitutes, etc.), she did not feel violated in that way. (Had I done those things, she was confident it would have meant the end of our marriage.)

    My wife and i are both conflict avoiders, so our biggest tool is simply to speak up when something is troubling one of us. We have regular (almost daily) time that we set aside to talk and spend quality time together, and we will dig into anything that needs dug into during those times. Addressing stuff quickly and without judgment is the best advise I can give. Do not let the sun go down on your anger! :)

    Hope that helps a little bit. I know some SOs experience much more and deeper BT than mine did.
     
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  4. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Thanks so much Tao! This is very helpful.
     
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  5. Bob385

    Bob385 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Tao. Appreciate your openness.
    I too have never been with another person during our marriage. Nevertheless she has expressed feeling violated by my double standards. Especially as I'm a christian. She has not been interested in helping me as she just wants me to sort it out. If she were to find out my continued struggles I think she would leave me. Thankfully I can go for reasonably long stretches without PMO issues, during which time our marriage generally does a bit better.
     
  6. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    I seldom recommend an SO serve as an AP. This often leads to further strains on the marriage. I do, however, advise that every person in recovery have a team of APs. If you do not, this might be a next step to look into. What we cannot do alone, we may find easier to tackle as part of a supportive community!
     
    Bob385 likes this.
  7. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    What's the process of getting AP's? What are the proper expectations of AP's and are there general guidelines of AP etiquette posted someplace?
     
  8. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    There is a forum section where you can post if you are looking for an AP. You can also just read the forums and start following someone who seems to be saying good things and eventually ask them directly. (This is what I have done.)

    This is a helpful post on setting expectations re: APs: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/reminder-you-are-entitled-to-nothing.185290/

    APs are there to encourage and support, but they are not trained counselors and it is not their responsibility to manage your recovery. Your interaction with each one will likely be a bit different, but the instruction of the Master is always paramount: "Love one another." :)
     
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