Heartbroken but hopeful...

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by hope4healing, Aug 8, 2015.

  1. You are right. It took me a long time to really get that...I believed if I wanted change badly enough and worked hard enough myself, I could make it happen. But, I finally realized that it won't happen unless he really wants it to. I don't try to change him anymore.
  2. Well, for the first time since I started this thread almost 3 years ago, I actually have something good to write about. Lately, I have been overwhelmed with anxiety and fear about the "return to our regularly scheduled programming." This Sunday, July 8th, is the day he goes back to his regular 24-hour shifts after a few months of injury rehab. In the past, this has consistently been a time for relapse to P. Considering that he still won't acknowledge his PA as the problem it truly is, I'm fearful that this time will be no different. I hate to be a pessimist, but, after trying to be optimistic about it numerous times and each time ending in disappointment, it seems only reasonable to have some doubt.

    A couple weeks ago, I (again) expressed my fear to him and explained my reasons for it. I told him that I was struggling and that I really needed a reason to be hopeful this time wouldn't be the same. After pouring my heart out to him about all of it, I waited for a response...and waited...and after about 10 minutes or so of silence, he laid down and went to sleep. I was crushed, but I thought maybe he wanted to think about how to give me the support I'd asked of him. I ended up crying myself to sleep the same way I do almost every night. After a few days, I gave up on getting anything in response to my pleas. I knew that, just like always, he was going to ignore the situation which, for me, was worsening by the day.

    Then, last night, he gave me a letter. Before I read it, I actually expected it would be him telling me all the same things he always does whenever finally decides to say something...that I'm just paranoid, I have nothing to worry about, I make everything into a bigger deal than it is, I have crazy imagination, I'm living in the past, I'm overly emotional, and I like to make everything seem so dramatic. Then, he usually finishes by saying something about how he'll probably never know how to make me happy so I should just leave him and find someone else who can.

    However, to my surprise, it was not like that at all. He started by acknowledging all the pain he's caused me and said he hates that I feel like I have to worry all the time. He said he wishes he could take it all away so I didn't have to suffer anymore, but since he can't, he wants to do whatever it takes to help me heal. He wants us to be happy together again and hopes that he can earn back my trust in him. He made a list of things he wants to happen that he thinks will be helpful for us as a couple, and he asked me to make a list, too. He stopped short of admitting to PA being an issue, but he said he's working on being a different person than he has been in the past.

    Some of these things I've heard many times before (not the list). So, although this letter slightly soothes my aching heart and gives me some hope that he's finally ready to work on fixing what's broken, there's a little part of me that wants to remain skeptical and not let that hope back in because so many times, hoping has meant hurting. It's so unfair to have the constant battle in my mind between believing what love has taught me and believing what experience has taught me. It's never-ending.

    All of this has me once again considering giving him my letter...the one about beauty. In a way, I feel like I should give it to him because it expresses exactly how I feel about everything. At the same time, I'm afraid to give it to him because he reacts poorly to anything I ever say/write that's very descriptive. I try to use words to paint a picture of whatever it is I'm saying, and he used to tell me how much he liked that. But, now he seems to hate it because anytime I try to accurately describe things to him, he gets all upset and says I exaggerate everything even though I'm just saying how it is. I guess it's probably because he tries to downplay everything since reality hasn't been so nice. I thought about giving it to him to read on his first returning shift as a reminder, but I don't know if that's a good idea or not. I guess I'll have to see how things go the next couple days.
  3. I'm starting to wonder if there is no limit to the amount of agonizing emotional pain a person can feel. With physical pain, at least your body can go into shock. It can do things to your mind that somehow make the pain more tolerable. But, emotional pain never seems to get that reprieve. It just pushes the pain out into every part of your being...every part of you aches, and it never goes away. There are no pain meds for a shattered heart or a tortured soul.

    So many times I've asked him this question..."Why do you have to make loving you hurt so badly"? Of course, he's never answered that question. He never responds to it at all. He just sits there as always, silently looking at me like I'm crazy. It's almost as if he's trying to convince himself that every single thing I say has no basis what so ever. I guess it is much easier for himself and his conscience (if he even has one anymore) if he pretends like I don't have 25 years of pain from his unfaithful, selfish, disloyal, thoughtless, deceitful, heartbreaking behavioral choices or his hundreds of broken and empty promises or his complete lack of respect for me, my feelings, and our marriage. If you take that all away, then yeah...I guess I'm just making up shit with my crazy, overactive imagination due to my desire to make everything seem more dramatic.

    I wish I could take that all away. I wish I could erase all the pain and all the hurtful things that have been said or done. I sometimes wish I could just make myself not love him anymore because then it probably wouldn't hurt so much. But, I can't. I didn't start loving him conditionally. I didn't decide I would love him as long as he was faithful and respectful and protected my heart from being destroyed. I gave him my heart because I believed it meant something to him. He purposely made me believe it did. So, every time he shatters it, I've picked up all the little pieces and given them back to him again. He promised to protect me and never hurt me so why wouldn't I believe he'd do his best to help me put it all back together again to make it whole? For awhile, he would start putting it back together, but before it was complete, it would somehow get broken again. Then, eventually he stopped trying to mend it. Now, when I give them back to him, he just stands there holding all the pieces, and I end up cutting myself more and more from picking up all the tiny slivers.

    I wish I knew why he holds out his hand every time if he really doesn't even want to hold it anymore.
    Butterfly1988 and ImpureHuman like this.
  4. I am so sorry...it sounds like he is not even trying -- and that leaves you in a difficult situation.
    hope4healing likes this.
  5. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

  6. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Yes, I truly feel this as well. Honestly, I am 24 and I feel like I am so much older because of the pains and aches I have. I feel my emotional pain physically some days so bad that I can't be near my husband because the closer he is to me the more physical pain I am in... I didn't even know things like this were possible before all the PA shit.

    That was written so poetically. I can relate to everything you've written. I hope things get better and he can be the one to bend down and pick the pieces up and try putting them together.
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    Hugs. I'm so sorry.
    hope4healing likes this.
  8. RedeemedIowan

    RedeemedIowan Fapstronaut


    Hi hope,
    I’m a long time listener, first time caller. Was addicted to PMO for ummmmmm 14 years but am currently at 18 months without P or p-subs thanks to some amazing bros, my fiancé, and the chain breakin creator of the universe. That’s not to brag but to be like ‘hey God can break every chain this planet has to offer’!

    I’m interested to know if anything will come of his letter. Your sitch makes me think of proverbs 12 “hope deferred makes the heart sick”.. your hope keeps getting deferred! Eventually you’re going to get so sick and tired of being sick and tired that you’ll have an intervention or peace-out of there.. that’s surely going to be very very difficult if you don’t have an excellent group of sisters. What kind of face-to-face support groups do you have?

    Also FYI, I read SO pages to find things like the letter you wrote. I use them as motivation to myself that I never want to put my baby through pain like that.. thank you for helping me stay sober.

    I’m praying for you now hope.
    Butterfly1988, Kenzi and hope4healing like this.
  9. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Just wanted to check in. I'm hoping somehow things are going better for you with your PA. :emoji_blue_heart:
  10. karow

    karow Fapstronaut

    Wow! I pretty much said this very thing to my husband. It would be so much easier if I didn't love him. If I could allow the hate overcome my love for him!

    I wish I had something profound to tell you, advice... something comforting. Unfortunately I don't, but I do thank you. It helps to know I am not the only one feeling this way.
    hope4healing likes this.
  11. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I didn't even realize you had a journal, or that there was a section specifically for SOs journals now. I'm behind the times because I don't go the the main forums much anymore. Now I need to catch up on what's been happening with you.
  12. It's been such a long time since I've written in my journal. Not a whole lot has changed. For the most part, I've been more consistent in sharing the things I'm feeling and thinking. It hasn't really changed much from his side, though...still stone-faced silence mostly. However, last night we watched the first 2 parts of the Helping Her Heal videos. Together. And, to my complete surprise, he cried. Several times. When Dr. Weiss was describing how this has affected every part of the SO's life and how he compared it to being shot multiple times, I guess it made everything more real. After we finished watching, he just hugged me for a long time.

    I'm very cautiously optimistic. I hope that this can finally be a turning point for us.
  13. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I am so happy for you!! It is so, so hard for a withdrawer to come out of his (or her, but it's typically men) to come out of their shell like that. And yet it is so necessary for our healing for them to recognize what this addiction does to those of us that are in relationships with them. I pray this is the start of some big changes for your marriage.
  14. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    That seems like a possible good change...maybe even a first time turning point for him? But I would also only be cautiously optimistic. I am happy for you!
    hope4healing likes this.
  15. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I think you are so strong for reaching out to him about your feelings. Putting yourself in a vulnerable position and sharing your thoughts isn't as easy as it sounds. Especially when you probably are hoping for a kind response but you know there's a risk you'll be facing his cold silence instead. After all, silence is still a response, and a very hurtful one for that matter.
    But by sharing you're doing your part to heal your marriage and yourself.

    I really hope that his tears were a sign of him finally taking the first steps to come out of his shell. But I think your cautiousness is totally reasonable considering the years of pain and uncertainty you've been through. Hugs!
    Numb and hope4healing like this.
  16. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    I was reading this i was wondering if you were my SO who had written this in 2018. I was exactly this person you describe. Eventually i did make some strides towards empathy and vulnerability. If i can come out of the stone walling than anyone can. I thought i was completely dead inside when i started this journey. But my heart has come back to life over the last couple years. It is possible for people to change.
  17. Thank you for sharing that. At times when it seems impossible for progress to ever be made, it gives me much needed hope to hear about others who have come so far.
  18. For me (the PA) .. the change is simply to stop focusing on my own pain, my own loss [of my relationship with my wife] -- and really seek to understand and empathize with my wife's world-of-pain that she suffers through every day. My wife wants me--her husband--to have HER best interests in mind...not my own pain or my own discomfort or my own desires.
  19. After suffering through years of my husband's PA, I, too, would love for him to have my best interest in mind. For the duration of our marriage, there has been very little consideration for my pain and my discomfort because his addiction hasn't allowed for it. While I believe that change must include a newly-found focus on my feelings, I don't think it should be at the cost of ignoring his. Avoiding feelings is the very essence of this addiction. Therefore, for healing to happen, the PA has to learn how to cope with their own feelings, possibly for the first time, and at the same time, they have to learn ways to deal with their SO's emotions as well. I can see how it could be completely overwhelming at times. However, there's no way around it, and I think that's where my husband is stuck...facing the monumental task of dealing with all these emotions (his and mine) that are piled up in front of him that the addiction has always allowed him to ignore.
    Reverent, Lostneverland, Numb and 4 others like this.
  20. SO PERFECTLY PUT! I love your closing sentence:
    "facing the monumental task of dealing with all these emotions (his and mine) that are piled up in front of him that the addiction has always allowed him to ignore."

    I had an interaction with my wife today..where I feel like I was able to consider my wife's feelings first -- I am going to write about it in my journal and then quote it here, so I don't clutter-up this journal.
    hope4healing and Butterfly1988 like this.

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