Heartbroken but hopeful...

First, never worry about cluttering up my journal. I appreciate the input from others. If it wasn't for everyone here sharing their stories, I don't know where I'd be, but it would be a lot worse off than I am.

To me, this seems like great progress. I don't think I remember many times where you've written about your wife noticing the look on your face or making a point to mention it, especially about talking/connecting.

Regardless of how you responded to her comment, I think it's important for you to continue letting her know that's what you still want. I realize that's such a tricky thing to do given her boundaries, and I know you are trying to be aware and respect them. But, in this instance, I don't think what you said was entirely out of place. She is the one who engaged you by making the 'observation' and communicating it. Honestly, what could you have said in response that would've been more appropriate?

Now, having said that, I also think it's great that you were able to see how your reply was making it all "about you." That's something many PA's really struggle to change, even after they become aware of the issue. I'm sure that she truly does appreciate the fact that you realized this and communicated it to her.

Yes! If all PA's could make this realization, their recoveries would be smoother and more successful.

 

I appreciate the interaction so, no, I don't mind you asking. When he first gave me the list, I was so happy to get anything from him since most often I never get a single word...written or spoken. When he talked about how he regrets hurting me and he wants to do whatever it takes to help me heal, I was completely overwhelmed...so much so that I wasn't seeing things for what they really were. After getting nothing in response for so long, just the fact that he took the time to write anything was amazing. But, like I always do, I let the hope come flooding back in and it prevents me from seeing everything clearly.

I want so badly for him to care enough that it's worth his effort to help me fix what's broken. And, I need for him to truly acknowledge and be accountable for the things he's done that are so hurtful. I've never even gotten an actual sincere apology from him. He'd say he's apologized, but they fell short of what a real apology is. He has said, "I'm sorry you feel that way." which, of course, is far from taking responsibility and actually being sorry for the things he's done because it puts the responsibility all back on me for how I feel. When I got the letter from him, I let myself believe (briefly) that I would finally get the things I need.

So, while I was thrilled with the supposed recognition of my pain and his claim about wanting me to heal, I didn't initially give much thought to the content of the list. At first glance, it seemed fantastic...numerous ideas about things he wanted us to do together. However, when I started really thinking about all these things, I realized that none of these activities were healing-based. None of them would help us to rebuild trust. There was no repair work of any kind involved despite the fact that, for years, I’ve been telling him what I need to be able to heal...to rebuild trust and move forward.

Instead, these suggestions once again avoided any of the things I told him I needed. They were simply more cover-ups...further attempts to sweep it all under the rug and pretend like we've already worked through it all and everything is fine now. That way, he conveniently avoids doing any repair work which, of course, also means he avoids facing his demons, acknowledging or accepting the problem for what it is, taking responsibility for his choices, being accountable for hurting me and damaging our marriage, working through his childhood stuff that is the root cause of the addiction in the first place, recognizing that he really isn't a robot with no emotions, and anything else uncomfortable that he's refused to face while hiding behind the addiction.

He has avoided feeling difficult emotions almost his entire life so it's just what he automatically does, and it's so "normal" for him that he refuses to even consider that it may not be healthy or that it negatively affects so many aspects of his life. I have tried and tried over the years to talk to him about it. I've tried to talk him into therapy. I've tried to get him to read books, watch videos, do online support groups...anything I think could be helpful. He started reading a book that I asked him to read, and he got about three chapters in before he stopped reading, and he started watching the Helping Her Heal videos from Dr. Doug Weiss with me, but we never finished them all. They both started out fine, but when they give detailed descriptions about the effects of betrayal trauma, it gets too hard for him to avoid the big feelings, and he stops reading/watching.

I realize that all of this is not present in his conscious mind. I don't think that he ever intended for things to be this way. The crap he went through as a child is most certainly not his fault, and at about age 11-12, he had no idea how devastating the effects of his coping mechanism would be on so many parts of his life later on. But, despite all of that, as an adult, there should be a point at which he stops running from everything, he takes responsibility for his choices and actions, and he takes the steps necessary to effect a change so that he's no longer living under that dark cloud and inflicting pain and damage onto those who are closest and love him the most. But, so far, that hasn't happened.

As far as his addiction goes, he hasn't acted out with actual P for well over a year, and obviously that's good. But, he's replaced it with a fairly regular dose of p-subs so the addiction is still alive, and the fact that he's done absolutely no recovery work at all means we're not too far from where we were a couple years ago...not to mention that he's 'stopped' acting out before for various lengths of time but eventually falls back into it at some point. He thinks I should be ecstatic about what he thinks is amazing progress, and he (supposedly) doesn't understand why I'm not.

I think p-subs are the silent killer in recovery. They're seemingly not as bad as the real thing, but, by themselves, they can not only keep an addiction alive, but they can do it without the addict knowing how harmful they really are. In fact, they can keep them convinced they're staying clean and recovery is going well when actually there's not much difference from before except now they're even more convinced what they're doing is ok.

I've mostly given up on him ever getting anywhere in recovery. It's unrealistic and foolish for me to continue hanging on to the hope that he's suddenly going to start doing recovery work and stick with it long enough to get anywhere. It breaks my heart, but so have all the broken promises, lies, and painful disappointments of not following through. I know I'll probably get a bunch of crap from people for saying that because I'm supposed to be supportive and positive and do everything I can to help him recover. And, to those people I say...before commenting about those things, go back and read my whole story. If you do, you'll see that I have been consistently supportive and positive and helpful for over 25 years. At some point I have to accept reality and stop setting myself up to be hurt again and again. I'm not saying that anyone else should give up on their partner, nor am I saying that other addicts will never change. I'm only talking about me and my situation.

Thanks to the support from a couple of very good friends who understand the PA issue very well, I've come a long way since I first found this place 8.5 years ago. I was a complete mess back then, and although I'm no where near completely healed now, I'm certainly miles farther than I was. It still hurts, a lot. It probably always will. But, the key for me was realizing that I can be ok regardless of what my husband decides to do. My well-being doesn't rely solely on the choices he makes...at least not anymore. If he ever gets in recovery, great. If he doesn't, I'll know that I did my part. I tried so hard for such a long time. I was patient and forgiving and understanding and supportive, longer than I probably should have been. But, I can't make up for the work he won't do, nor can I care enough to pick up his slack. I just have to be ok with my part...and I am.

So, @Joe1023 , to answer your question about the letter, no, I never gave it to him. I wanted to a hundred times, but I know it would be one more time I end up hurt and disappointed. I've poured my heart out numerous times in many different ways, and it has always ended that way. I feel like I'm setting myself up for heartbreak if I do it anymore. He clearly isn't able to be open to my thoughts and feelings. So, knowing that, why bother? If it ever changes, maybe I will give it to him, but I can't count on that anymore. I just have to somehow accept that I'll never have the marriage I wanted so badly.