Hello , 29 YO Virgin Here [Never Really Tried]

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Laffio, Jun 14, 2018.

  1. Laffio

    Laffio Fapstronaut

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    Hello fellow fapstronauts; I have been addicted to porn and masturbation for 17 years. It, like many other people here, created barriers to socializing with people. I had this unrealistic expectation when it came to interacting with women and would immediately become anxious and uncomfortable around them. There apparently have been a lot of girls in my past that genuinely wanted to date me but I was too insecure, too ashamed of my perceived appearance and penis size to ever act on it.

    I did not have a traumatic experience or any external thing to blame my virginity on (family is religious but not that strict) I just never put myself into a position for sex to be a possibility due to fear of ridicule.

    From about 16 to 26, I convinced myself I was asexual as a coping mechanism for still being a virgin. I spent those days sleeping,eating, playing video games and of course fapping. In college (18-22), I stayed in my apartment when I was done with class, rarely coming out only to buy food and do laundry. I was approached by women but I just froze up, trying to "curb" the conversation so she would leave.

    I didn't want this to be long but I feel relieved to write this out where people can see it and empathize.

    I remember this one girl in particular who was crazy about me from 8th grade to well after college. She was one of my sisters friends and would be really aggressive about flirting with me. I was at a house party and she kept following me telling me to have sex with her. Towards the end of the party, she convinced me to take her home. We sat in my car for two hours just talking about doing it; I "curbed" her advances although I really wanted to do it. I have never gotten over that and I don't know why I did that to her. She has three kids by three different men and is now in an abusive relationship... I feel guilty cause I think this was my fault. I can't seem to forgive myself for this and that moment weighs heavy on my heart... She still is so excited to see me... I wish I could change the past but she is an adult like me.

    Now for the final reason I started NOFAP...

    Two years ago, I worked for a temp service in a factory around a lot of women. I was told by other employees that: "oh this or that girl likes you" but I would just think to myself: "why, I am not worth her affection"; this was especially true if there was a more "attractive" and charismatic guy around... why pick me right? I remember a few girls I became friends with telling me I am single because I don't try. So there was this one girl that was just so beautiful to me, we kept exchanging looks and avoiding each other. Eventually I just said "fuck it" and talked to her. It turned out she lived in the same neighborhood as me, and needed a ride to work! At first I wanted to avoid dating "just drive her to work", I would tell myself but we connected on so many things... I eventually asked her out and she said yes! So we went on a couple dates, eventually started kissing (she was my first kiss) and talking about having sex. Now I was into some weird porn at this time and I could no longer see her as a normal person but as just a sex object. A sex object that, at the time, could not compete with what I got from porn.

    My anxiety about my virginity coupled with my porn addiction prevented me from ever advancing past the kissing & flirting phase of our time together. She would ask me: "Don't you like me?" or "What do you really want from me?". I was too afraid to ask for what I wanted and she eventually moved in with her ex this past October. I cried myself to sleep that night when she told me about it.

    I knew then that I was using PMO as a substitute for real interactions with women. Instead of getting to know them as a person, I would wait for something to just "happen" like in porn.

    So I tried to stop looking a porn but it was hard. I went maybe four or five days but would relapse for days after. I went 39 days without PMO once but it was brutal.

    Through prayer, meditation, fasting and focusing on my hobbies, I am now on a good streak. I am going to the gym and losing a lot of weight: two years ago, I weighed 360 lbs, I now weigh 230. I now get complements from women and finally feel like I have just as much chance as any guy to date any woman I desire! I am not as obsessed with having sex right now and really just want to become my best self.

    This was long but again it just felt good to get it out. There have been other girls with similar stories but those two always stick out in my mind. I hope the next girl is ready cause I am no longer scared!

    Thank you NOFAP community for inspiring me these past 8 months. I had to post this!
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2018
  2. Laffio

    Laffio Fapstronaut

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    Since I'm here I might as well talk about what led me to this current streak.

    I started in February after learning about this society. I went for 14 days (yeah I relapsed on Valentines Day!). I started taking cold showers that day. I then went for 18 days and relapsed for a total of 5 days after. It was then I got serious about it. I installed K9 and moved my laptop out of my bedroom. I went for the aforementioned 39 days that way but relapsed trying to find my condom size. After that time I started to delete the porn on my computer. Made it 19 days and relapsed to Youtube videos of all things. After that time, I deleted the porn on my "beloved" external hard drives (like 1.5TB of porn just. ugh) and set Youtube to restricted mode. I lastly made it 17 days and afterwards I threw away one of my final crutches: my two fleshlights.

    I have read a few books in this time:
    How to Win Friends and Influence People
    The Four Agreements
    No More Mr. Nice Guy

    This youtube video called "Nuggets" really helps.

    Working out and playing piano takes my mind off of it.

    I have also kept a journal since January to write out my sexual frustrations to better understand where it comes from.

    I have a spreadsheet to document my relapses and days were I feel too "excited". I got it from searching "pmo spreadsheet" and clicking the second link.

    Hope this helps someone,good day!
     
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  3. Here2learn17

    Here2learn17 Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you are on the right track. If you haven’t seen a therapist or been to a group meeting I think it would be very helpful as it has been for me.

    Keep going man the life you imagine is certainly within reach.
     
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  4. Laffio

    Laffio Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Here2Learn17! I still catch myself "curbing" when talking to ladies but I have a few ways to fix it! I should seek some outside help for my social anxiety but mindful meditation does ease it enough to make it through the day for now.
     
  5. Hi. Welcome to forum!

    It sounds like you have it all very well figured out. Journaling is indeed important. And sharing here like you just did is also important. Sharing is therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. Also being active on forum is a good idea. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

    Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!
     
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  6. Laffio

    Laffio Fapstronaut

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    Yes The Serpent of Fire, just knowing I am not alone in this struggle is so empowering! We are not perfect but as long as we continue to do our best in all aspects of our lives we will find happiness!
     
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  7. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Fapstronaut

    Welcome! Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you've made some good moves lately. Is there anymore "trash" for you to clean up. I've learned about myself, if I keep something around (such as porn on my hard drive or lotion for masturbation), it's only a matter of time before I rationalize using it. I think that's a very important step, trashing the crap.
     
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  8. Laffio

    Laffio Fapstronaut

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    Oh my god dwalk77 that is what was happening to me! But no the fleshlights, of which I thought were the best things I had bought in my life, are in a landfill somewhere. I wiped my hard drives and installed K9. I have lotion but I get ashy lol.

    I used to fucking treasure that porn on my hard drives. At one point I wanted to be buried with it... Just buy a big ass Flash drive and have it with me for all eternity. I was... very delusional then. But on one of my relapses I got angry and proceeded to delete it all! I knew where I was hiding all of it and spent the rest of that night cleaning out the "trash". I FELT NOTHING SEEING IT ALL GO !
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2018
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  9. Feel bad about your break with the gal from your hood, hope you find another happier relationship coz I had started warming up to your car rides story :)
     
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  10. Laffio

    Laffio Fapstronaut

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    Oh that "breakup" really hurt me, Rhyne, because I would RARELY ever just start a conversation with anyone. I was just so overjoyed that my first time trying to hook up with a girl went so well... That was until I got too deep in my own head and ruined what should have been a guaranteed sexual partner. Those questions she would ask me still haunt me to this day. They are the reason I actually am on NoFap in the first place. If I ever see her again, I would thank her and tell her what happened to me and why I started to withdraw.

    I just spent days after she moved on thinking to myself: "what do I really want from dating women?" I became frustrated about it and fell into a depression because I had no other answer besides "sex like they do in porn". Then I'd ask myself "how do I get to that point?" and started comparing myself to the guys in porn and just fell deeper into a depression. "I can't compete with "Sweet Dick Jones" and why would any girl want me when he exists?"

    But now I am looking for like empathy, companionship, convenience, spiritual and temperamental compatibility and excitement on top of sex.

    I may still be a virgin but I know that it is my own damn fault, no one else's! I have to get out and mingle more. Nowadays, when I go somewhere I always get this vibe like women are excited to talk to me. I from time to time muster up enough balls to actually walk up and talk. For the most part it goes well, especially when I project my confidence. Some days are better than others when it comes to my self image and resulting confidence. The further I get into a NoFap streak, the easier that exchange with women becomes.

    I just have to remember that no one can read my less confident mind and that women want to be approached by guys they like. This guy at my new job who I want to emulate tells me you can just walk up and say anything, let it be natural, and if she is attracted to you it will work. When I talk to most women they will actually brag about how this or that dude wants them. It's almost like a badge of honor to them. They are happy to be wanted exactly like normal people!
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2018
  11. Whereas I am no bigshot when it come to women too, I think this quote sums it up all - Natural progression from familiarity, friendship/relationship and whatever follows.

    But don't beat yourself up over the broken relationship - take it happily as part of the dating experience and life learning - You are now one relationship wiser
     
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  12. Laffio

    Laffio Fapstronaut

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    Today was really good I got out of the house and just did things I wanted to do; it was fun to me. I finally joined that karate class, my first lesson is July 5th. I drove around sightseeing in this city I've lived in for two years but never really got out to see.

    One thing I noticed was that I was being really flirtatious today, like smooth in my own way. Every woman I talked to was laughing: I was saying normal stuff like what was on my mind at the time. The looks on their faces were always a mix of joy and relief. I guess it was the way I was saying it but this is the first time I actually "noticed" that I can just say what I am feeling with a smile and confident demeanor and women will respond positively.
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2018
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