hello, and how did i get here

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by vizsla, Oct 8, 2014.

  1. vizsla

    vizsla Fapstronaut

    'nother new guy here

    i am 43, married (once) for 14 years (somehow)
    with a 8, 10, and 12 year old.
    i am a physician
    i am an addict

    i found this place, after reading all of Gary Wilson's book "Your Brain on Porn", and watching six of his youtube videos. Initially, i found gary's site thanks to an interview he did with robb wolf on robb's paleo podcast. (yes, food, overeating and obesity are other addictions i am battling)

    actually the weight loss and getting healthier comes at the perfect time, simultaneous with finding the NoFap (is it a movement, yet?), as the getting healthier part gives me a cover behind which to hide as to 'why my dick started working again'.
    more on that later.

    i will soon start a journal, outlining my PMO history, by life stages.
    not really sure if i fit the "older guy" who came to high speed internet porn later in life, and hence can kick his piED easier/quicker, since his brain was less plastic and malleable upon beginning such exposure, . . .
    or if i fit more of the "younger guy" profile, because of the early age i started "doing" and "enjoying" things, even though hey weren't via BROADband.
    more on THAT later, in my journal.

    funny, has anyone ever wondered why high speed / "BROADband" interned has the word "Broad in it"??? its like the internet was MADE for porn.

    anyways, i am very glad to learn all i have already learned, to have found gary's site and book, and to have found nofap.org

    i have tried to quit whacking it to porn, so many times, and failed so many times.
    the guilt, shame, feelings of worthlessness, feelings that i'll never beat it (pun intended),...have been immense. to the point of lots of idle thoughts of suicide. Not to say I'd ever do such a thing, but in the process of feeling sorry for myself, I felt I'd rather be dead now, than carry this addiction around for another 30-40 years.

    it was great learning about edging, and chaser effect.
    many a time after finishing up with my wife, i'd immediately go whack it whilst she was showering afterwards.

    there have been times i went six (maybe eight?) weeks, with no P, no M, and no O.
    but then after a bad day at work, or some other stressor, (or maybe just feeling depressed for whatever) I'd whack it "JUST ONCE" for a little pick-me-up, ... and i'm falling off the wagon again.
    now feeling more shame for being so weak.

    i am a physician, and hence, have a fairly scientific mind,
    but objectivity flies out the window when dealing with one's own case
    i am also a christian, and i think that that has shaped a lot of how i felt about my PMO dependance and i KNOW my PMO addiction has had dramatic NEGATIVE influences on my faith.

    i am fap-free, porn free, and porn-substitute free, today, for at least eight days, (maybe a few more, i can't recall specifically. but i am using october 1st as a "HARD" and fast date).
    it has been an hour since i imagined (albeit, briefly) having sex.

    journal forth coming...
    please help me sort out to what degree i fall into gary wilson's older guy vs younger guy profile,
    as i want to have some expectation as to when i may have the piED "BEATEN"
    I can't resist the puns, sorry.

    all for now, as i wanted to get this started, receive a little feedback
    try to get a "counter" for the bottom of my posts.

    Last edited: Oct 8, 2014
    shores2009 likes this.
  2. vizsla

    vizsla Fapstronaut

    so i set up a pro tracker/counter
    cut and pasted it into my signature box, on the settings page,
    and i pressed save changes

    but it isn't showing up on my post when i recheck it.

    i went back to settings,
    the url is still there, and a preview of the tracker is there above the url,
    but it isn't showing up on my post,

    what to do?

    never mind,
    there it is, now that i posted a second post.
  3. scrat_on_speed

    scrat_on_speed Fapstronaut

    Most definitely. I was convinced that if I looked up the term "hypocrite" in the encyclopedia, I'd find my picture there. But God is good, and has done some serious work in my life. Though, I'm pretty sure there's a sign still hanging on my heart that says "Under Renovation". Regardless, I wish you the best of luck in your journey. God bless!
  4. vr002sh

    vr002sh Fapstronaut


    Not sure if this will help and it is NOT an invitation to sin, but how many of your sin's (or mine) were yet future when Christ died for them? I like to remember that all my sin was future (although God is outside our time/space domain, so while He died almost 2000 years ago, He is also "the Lamb that was slain from the foundation of the world".

    Does this give us license to sin, as Paul would say "God forbid". But it should remind us that God loves us, he loved us before we loved him, he loves us when we are strong and doing his will, and he loves us when we are in our sin. His love is unconditional.

    That is one thing that motivates me.

    The enemy will whisper in our ear, "look at how weak you are, God is angry at you for what you just did", but the enemy is the father of lies. Don't listen to him.

    One bit of advice, get an accountability partner, someone to encourage you and to call you out if you stumble.

    Best of luck, stay strong my brother.

  5. vizsla

    vizsla Fapstronaut

    i had to go to page SIX of this newbie sub forum, to find my thread
    lots of new guys
    still haven't looked at porn since 9/30/14, or even a few days BEFORE that

    feeling good
    awoke with a semi-woody yesterday (first in a while)
    so i took advantage of it, and MO'd (still NO p)
    but i only envisioned my WIFE, and not some porn flashback, or nurse from work, or chick at the gym, or some MILF i saw whilst picking the kids up at school.

    home alone right now, and kinda bored
    two MAJOR triggers
    so wanted to get on here, and post a moment. to ward things off
    just heard wife get home :)
    gotta go
  6. Gilbert

    Gilbert Fapstronaut

    God bless you for wanting to fight this addiction :) I'm also motivated by my faith to speak out against the likes of pornography. Read around the forums, success stories etc and I'm sure you'll crack it! Relapses are common so try not to overload yourself with guilt and shame, but do whatever you can to either stay away from the computer or stay away from touching yourself altogether.

    Best of luck to you!

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