Hello everyone I am really struggling here!

Understand something, the problem is not you. You're not suppose to change your sexually ways in BDSM to make someone happy. This guy is more than weird and he can become a predator. This acts are not normal. I've been addict to porn since 9 year old but I never like the BDSM thing and fetish is just weird and not normal. A man is suppose to be attracted by the female body not foot and BDSM wich is love to dominate like in a aggression a female and wich is very dangerous. He can really change someone from a normal person to a predator. Never change your sexually to overcome his fantasy because this fantasy are not normal fantasy like a men wanting his girl to give him his first blowjob are be playing the game of the nurse and the patient have a sexual relation with the nurse. BDSM is weird really weird and dangerous. Take care of yourself. For me you should look for another man. Cause be with a men like that can change your way of thinking and remember you got KIDS that are growing up right now. And at some point the men need to grow up mentally and understand that what his doing is totally wrong. When I was 14 and even before at 8 and 9 a lot of girl in high school and even middle school I mean a lot of girls was attracted by me cause since young I was a pretty boy. But Porn destroy me. And now I undertstand that and I TRULY ACCEPT IT. Now I trying to change for real. That's what I real men do. Don't blame yourself you're a bad girl ou bad mother not at all...

 

Just wanted to add that you're in a good place to get some healing yourself.

I've just seen that you've started a journal and are asking for an AP. Good job! You've done a lot of good work today!

Ghostie and I are both PA, so you have all our empathy and respect. We'd be the first to say that we've learned from all the SO's here, so be sure to keep a foot in both camps and get as much knowledge and support as possible.

 

There is a AP forum for the men and women who are addicts.
There is not a forum specific for SOs.


He can sign up for NoFap and post there

 

That's a thing that can happen.
Fetish can be a whole wormhole

 

@candarraus you have already been receiving excellent advice here. I wanted to say I really like your boundaries list. Also, I wonder if you and your partner might benefit from watching Gary Wilson's video, "Your Brain on Porn." There is also a website by the same name with lots of educational articles. Maybe that will help you both see the benefits of trying a 90-day reboot.

Something my partner's CSAT said that really struck me was that other than procreation, we don't have a real "need" for sex. REALLY?? Desire, yes; need, no. That can be addictive thinking, and I've certainly had my confusion around that in my lifetime, too. I've been learning about my own addictive tendencies through the work my partner has been doing, as it sounds like you have been learning, too.

 

You've had some great advice here, and I think it's all good. I want to add something from another angle that I hope is also helpful. The angle is that I know I have fetishes that are "part of me" meaning I had them before internet porn.

I agree with you, he doesn't know what he truly likes. I think if he reboots properly and rewires with you to normal good sex then you'll both find out if this thing is "part of him" or not. I guess it will at least reduce a lot and get back into a normal balance. Anyway, when you both know how much of it is porn induced and what he truly likes you can decide if you can live with what's left of the fetish.

If you think you won't be able to live with any of it at all in future, I totally respect that.

 

We don't know that yet, I think @candarraus is right about that. He may be able to go on without it or with it very much changed.

I totally respect your view. I think it's worth adding mine to the discussion because I don't think your approach would work for me. Maybe we're different, I don't know, or our experience is different. For me, my fetish interests have long been part of my real life. They don;t stop me having relationships. So my experience is that for me anyway it's not a black and white choice between never doing anything fetishy again or having problems with porn. What I thnk I need to do is keep away from porn and P-subs and live my real emotional and sex life with a compatible partner and avoiding anything porn induced.

I'm not trying to encourage @candarraus to indulge her partner's fetish or anything like that, or cause trouble. Only she can decide how she feels. I think he needs to reboot and rediscover his real desires, giving the fetish a chance to die away if it's going to, and be honest with her about it and maybe then they can work out the future.