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Hello my name is John,
Apologies: this is long, but I just need to type this out, since I have never really told anyone else the whole truth about my problem.
TLDR: I am a 19 year old who has a medical problem that causes him to deal with stress and high-energy activities by masturbating to porn and playing video games. I would like to quit
Let me start out with generally who I am. I am 19 years old and I want to quit masturbation and porn for good. (I am a virgin and don't have a girlfriend right now, so sex isn't in the picture) I was home-schooled through high school and I consider myself a Catholic (although how much I truly believe that is is debatable). This fall will be the first time I ever do a semester of school at somewhere that isn't my home since I did my first year of college online. The reason I did my school at home started as religious reasons from my parents and changed to health reasons. I have adrenal fatigue which makes me have less overall energy to use for actives+school and i'm allergic to all environmental allergies + sensitive to a crap ton of foods. This is important.
So lets start at the beginning. My parents are 100% absolutely totally against any form or shape of sex or sexual stimulation outside of heterosexual marriage. They teach classes, they do talks, they read books, they listen to audio speeches. They went so far as to keep me out of public school because of the "culture". Like from the time they got asked by a family friend to teach these classes for the church for couples before marriage (and then later taking over the lead from him), the single defining thing I can say about them is that they are against anything outside of marriage and/or involving any form of birth control (other than their NFP thing). Like they would make me and my brother look away when we went past stores with underwear models. Now they aren't the most intolerable people I know about this stuff, but the sheer volume of speakers, private talks, classes, etc. about chastity they put me through over my lifetime is just frustrating because it didn't help at all. It only made me fear it since none of the materials really ever gave any practical advice on how to stop. I haven't heard about it too much recently since they do a lot less classes now, but looking back it makes me angry. Its not that I %100 disagree with them.....I just hated them talking about how stupid people are who do porn in the car coming back from a road trip (because sex was quite a regular topic that could be brought up any time) and just wishing they would understand how hard it was to stop. They just demonized it and never said anything like "But if you ever told us you needed help, we wouldn't stop loving you"
So around middle school (can't even remember when, I think 11) I start getting naturally curious about sex and what it entails. I think they only just started doing their classes (im not sure), but they always kinda openly-but-not-too-openly talked about the "special hug". I start looking at those underwear models in a newspaper, went to looking up stuff online. Dad catches me and puts on a blocker. When I get my first iPod touch he disables the browser and adding any apps. But oh hey, guess what, turns out little John is pretty adept at computers and getting around blockers. He really wants to play the blocked video games and watch the blocked Youtube. And guess what comes along with that! Porn! Curiosity turned into pleasure seeking which in turn transformed into masturbating. When I couldn't get to porn I would create fantasies to masturbate to.
My problem is that my addiction is tied to my adrenal fatigue. Whenever I get stressed, feel sick from eating something, feel tired, feel hungry, feel angry, do something that requires a lot of energy, etc. I look for stimulation. Since I never had access to drugs, alcohol, or large amounts of sugar I almost always turned to porn and video games to make me feel better. Thank god I didn't have drugs or anything because judging on how much I use porn I would have certainly overdosed already. I in general would masturbate once per day, going up to something like seven times during the days I feel really bad. During the past few years I have been trying to stop. My attempts started pretty successful, I once got two months before I started reading sexual text and another month before relapsing. I can in general get a week down before relapsing since I can get stimulation from intense work and school. The past month has been tough since I left my job and school doesn't start until after labor day.
I feel porn has really caused me to view the world in a worse light. it has made me so ashamed of myself. I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about it truthfully since the whole subject has been demonized by everyone I know. I agree that it is bad and hurts women and my future relationships(<- personal opinion), but that isn't the way to get rid of it. If you can name a type of porn I have probably watched it and I just want to quit. I have only told a few of my closest friends. I have always not liked that I watched porn, but I have over the past 2 years begun to truly hate it since I feel I have lost confidence due to it. I know I need to talk to someone but I am just too afraid of putting myself out there to get help, only to not really get anywhere.
Any help is appreciated. I would especially love to talk to other people who are religious.
Apologies: this is long, but I just need to type this out, since I have never really told anyone else the whole truth about my problem.
TLDR: I am a 19 year old who has a medical problem that causes him to deal with stress and high-energy activities by masturbating to porn and playing video games. I would like to quit
Let me start out with generally who I am. I am 19 years old and I want to quit masturbation and porn for good. (I am a virgin and don't have a girlfriend right now, so sex isn't in the picture) I was home-schooled through high school and I consider myself a Catholic (although how much I truly believe that is is debatable). This fall will be the first time I ever do a semester of school at somewhere that isn't my home since I did my first year of college online. The reason I did my school at home started as religious reasons from my parents and changed to health reasons. I have adrenal fatigue which makes me have less overall energy to use for actives+school and i'm allergic to all environmental allergies + sensitive to a crap ton of foods. This is important.
So lets start at the beginning. My parents are 100% absolutely totally against any form or shape of sex or sexual stimulation outside of heterosexual marriage. They teach classes, they do talks, they read books, they listen to audio speeches. They went so far as to keep me out of public school because of the "culture". Like from the time they got asked by a family friend to teach these classes for the church for couples before marriage (and then later taking over the lead from him), the single defining thing I can say about them is that they are against anything outside of marriage and/or involving any form of birth control (other than their NFP thing). Like they would make me and my brother look away when we went past stores with underwear models. Now they aren't the most intolerable people I know about this stuff, but the sheer volume of speakers, private talks, classes, etc. about chastity they put me through over my lifetime is just frustrating because it didn't help at all. It only made me fear it since none of the materials really ever gave any practical advice on how to stop. I haven't heard about it too much recently since they do a lot less classes now, but looking back it makes me angry. Its not that I %100 disagree with them.....I just hated them talking about how stupid people are who do porn in the car coming back from a road trip (because sex was quite a regular topic that could be brought up any time) and just wishing they would understand how hard it was to stop. They just demonized it and never said anything like "But if you ever told us you needed help, we wouldn't stop loving you"
So around middle school (can't even remember when, I think 11) I start getting naturally curious about sex and what it entails. I think they only just started doing their classes (im not sure), but they always kinda openly-but-not-too-openly talked about the "special hug". I start looking at those underwear models in a newspaper, went to looking up stuff online. Dad catches me and puts on a blocker. When I get my first iPod touch he disables the browser and adding any apps. But oh hey, guess what, turns out little John is pretty adept at computers and getting around blockers. He really wants to play the blocked video games and watch the blocked Youtube. And guess what comes along with that! Porn! Curiosity turned into pleasure seeking which in turn transformed into masturbating. When I couldn't get to porn I would create fantasies to masturbate to.
My problem is that my addiction is tied to my adrenal fatigue. Whenever I get stressed, feel sick from eating something, feel tired, feel hungry, feel angry, do something that requires a lot of energy, etc. I look for stimulation. Since I never had access to drugs, alcohol, or large amounts of sugar I almost always turned to porn and video games to make me feel better. Thank god I didn't have drugs or anything because judging on how much I use porn I would have certainly overdosed already. I in general would masturbate once per day, going up to something like seven times during the days I feel really bad. During the past few years I have been trying to stop. My attempts started pretty successful, I once got two months before I started reading sexual text and another month before relapsing. I can in general get a week down before relapsing since I can get stimulation from intense work and school. The past month has been tough since I left my job and school doesn't start until after labor day.
I feel porn has really caused me to view the world in a worse light. it has made me so ashamed of myself. I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about it truthfully since the whole subject has been demonized by everyone I know. I agree that it is bad and hurts women and my future relationships(<- personal opinion), but that isn't the way to get rid of it. If you can name a type of porn I have probably watched it and I just want to quit. I have only told a few of my closest friends. I have always not liked that I watched porn, but I have over the past 2 years begun to truly hate it since I feel I have lost confidence due to it. I know I need to talk to someone but I am just too afraid of putting myself out there to get help, only to not really get anywhere.
Any help is appreciated. I would especially love to talk to other people who are religious.
