hello I have never done this before but i need to stop porn is ruining my life

hello I have never ever posted on a forum before but I honestly felt like now is the time. I am currently 30 years old recently graduated pharmacy school and trying to complete the requirements needed to obtain my license. so far i passed my board exam but i have failed the law exam multiple times. my last attempt i needed a 75 to pass I received a 74. I feel honestly even though i am not a religious person that God wants me to change my life before he will allow me to pass or take steps to make a positive change in my life. I also suffer from depression for many years and it was not diagnosed till fall of 2017 when I tried to kill myself while in my final year of pharmacy school I was almost successful if it was not for my roommate.

I have been addicted to porn since i was 13 years old. I remember my first orgasm was when i bought the sports illustrated swimsuit issue. from since i am old and this was dial up days it increased to internet images and then movies once DSL came about. Throughout high school and undergraduate school i constantly watched porn sometimes as much as 4 times a day. I was able to have relationships with people but i constantly pushed them away. it happened all the time i often told myself that i was the first step to a person finding something way better. when someone i felt was getting to close I constantly pushed them away and continued with porn.

Recently a friend told me who is now married. that she loved me and was waiting for me for a long time but I kept pushing her away. I looked at her and all i could do was apologize and I told her at least you found something better. Due to suffering from major depression I never feel right after watching porn I feel 10 times worse but I just cant stop and I need help. When I was in the ninth grade I became addicted to cigarettes i was smoking one ppd along with black and mild however when i discovered that it affected the way i played basketball I quit just like that and never went back. I figured since i can do that with cigarettes which are highly addictive I could do the same with porn but I can not even as I type this i am thinking about porn.

I need to quit this awful addiction and i need help yet i am ashamed to go and tell my family members or friends they think so highly of me think I am this great person but I am really not. I am tried all i want is to be free from this addiction obtain my pharmacist license so I can begin practicing as a pharmacist and helping people out with their medical problems. I also want to have a lasting relationship with people and stop running away when people try to get close.

Sorry for this lengthy post but I just honestly spoke from my heart