Hello, I'm new here. I can already see what an awesome community this is

Hello everyone,

Here's my story. I'm 38 years old and I've struggled with porn off and on since college. I'm married to my beautiful wife and we have 3 awesome kids. My wife knows my struggle with porn as we've talked about it, but I feel she doesn't quite understand my struggle. She's very sympathetic to my addiction with porn as she was raped when she was 18 so she has some sexual issues that are there as well. At times there's a rejection for sex when I want it and it's easy for me to run to porn when feeling rejected. She has a hard time being affectionate and that's one way how the evil one gets to me. We've talked about it many times and we are working through our feelings and being there for each other.

I first looked at a porno in 7th grade and I can't even begin to tell you how detrimental that was to my struggle with porn today. At the time my friend and I found one of his dad's pornos and played it in the VCR. Yes, I'm showing my age here. I thought it was the coolest thing at the time. I grew up in a christian home and was taught God's word, but I didn't care at the time. I was in full rebellion mode and didn't care. I was loving the lusts of the flesh and didn't care. All these feelings going through me. The dopamine high, the tingles through my body. Not realizing the damage to my brain that I was doing right at that moment and the lifetime of struggle I was setting myself up for. My friends and I found other videos and played them at sleepovers thinking it was just great. Then I kind of got out of it in 9th grade and didn't pay too much attention to it. I then found Jesus at age 17 and was saved, but the struggle was still there with MO. Really, ever since 7th grade MO has been a real struggle for me. The porn was just dormant at the time and I didn't realize it. I don't remember struggling much with porn in high school. I had other things to concentrate on with sports, church, etc.

It wasn't until later on in college, probably about 2002 or so that porn started creeping its way back into my life as I had a computer for my graphic design major. And oh, the possibilities on the internet were there. It was like a door to another world. It was gradual, but I still struggled with it. I struggle with it more now than I did back then. And honestly I'm deeply ashamed for it.

My oldest is now 13 and he is the age I was when I viewed my first porno. My wife and I have done all we can to keep our kids from the garbage on TV and the internet, because we know the effect it can have. The great thing about my oldest is that he is so honest. If he would happen to see something inappropriate he would be the first to tell me. We have a really great relationship and I don't want to mess that up. It just hit me recently that I was his age when I first viewed porn and I really need to be a better example for my kids. Having any of my kids see that garbage at a young age would be so detrimental since I know first hand. I don't want them to have that struggle that I have, knowing how hard it has been.

I first heard of NoFap through Covenant Eyes. I have an account there and use their software which has been so great. I shudder to think how far I would go if I didn't have it on my devices. I have an accountability partner who gets my reports. It's been really great, but I still seem to find ways through another app on my phone to take a peak at porn images here and there that trigger me to MO. I work on the computer for my job as a graphic designer and I hate how easy it is with modern technology to gain access to porn. But technology is here and it's only going to get easier to gain access. So I need to suck it up and face this demon head on.

I had no idea there was such an awesome support community out there like this one here at NoFap. I've looked at other programs out there, but it seems these other ones have always been so expensive to join and to be part of a community. I love the fact I can get support on here and find others who struggle with similar issues without having to break the bank. What a great community. My first goal is 21 days and then to go a whole 90 days without PM. Thank you all for the support and for listening to my story.

 

Good points. Thanks for the reminders. Yes, Christ has overcome the world and being in the Word more and more each day will help with the defense against the evil one.