Hello there guys! I'm the gf of a recovering porn addict.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by lilygl, Apr 18, 2022.

  1. lilygl

    lilygl Fapstronaut

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    My bf only watches porn featuring milfs, bimbos, bbw, busty and saggy tits. I have a baby face, petite figure, flat stomach, great ass and no tits. What does it mean?
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    I see that im not my bf's physicial type and that kills me inside. People woud say it means he likes me even more if he's with me not being his type but it only makes me feel likes he's settling on the sexual/desire area. He is a very loving bf but the fact that he never gets off to anything remotely similar to me makes me think maybe he feels like the grass is greener on the other side.

    I asked him directly about this subject and his answer crushed me. He said he thinks im super hot and he cares about other things when dating someone, like conversation and connection, which according to him are great with me. I hoped he would say something like he finds me hotter than those girls and he would never want me to have another body. He was supposed to make me feel better and i felt even less desirable.

    The worse thing about it its the fact that the whole things transceds porn: I also checked once his browsing history on fb and instagram and saw he searched girls he knows in REAL LIFE which fit his type (big saggy tits, overweight, slutty demeanour). I suppose to jack off to her pics. Thats when my alarms went off, cuz if those are girls you met its not a pure fantasy. Do guys in a relationship do this kind of stuff? I would love an honest and straight answer about this.
    He had a severe problem with porn in the past and , with my help, did the 90 days of NoFap. Now I'm facing this situation.

    What do you guys think? I would really appreciate some help cuz i've been feeling like crap lately.

    Thanks in advance to everybody xxxx
     
  2. Robindale

    Robindale Fapstronaut

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    If he is actively still doing this stuff, i.e. searching FB or Instagram for his porn substitutes, I would say he is still in the throes of a porn addiction or compulsion. If he's in a relationship with you he should not be doing this. If he still is, and says he doesn't want to, then his addiction is still driving him. He's got to want to stop and change, and he can't rely on you to manage that for him. You can be supportive but only if he is going to be open and honest with you, find others to help him and serve as accountability supports, do the hard work (tangible action) to get clean, and want to be totally invested in the relationship with you. That is hard work. But after what I put my wife through, I would not wish this on another woman. If he isn't willing, or able at this time, to do those things and demonstrate to you his desire to remove PMO from his life, and yours, I hate to say it, but it is time you moved on. You deserve a life without all that garbage. I look at these things now through the lens of what if my daughter was going through this, and my advice to her would be to run, run far away from this and seek out a partner worthy of her.
     
  3. m9damn

    m9damn Fapstronaut

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    You might overthink. But I can say that watching all that stuff can make my girlfriend not so stimulating. And craving the things that i saw in these videos... But everyone is different.
     
  4. It's important to understand porn is a distortion, so there's no such thing as pure fantasy for the most part. Also please know the 90 days is just a beginning. No addiction recovery anywhere says you do 90 days and that's it. The gamification platform is designed to appeal to the younger audience, but addiction recovery is no game. Any traditional recovery group measures time in years. This should really put things in perspective but as you know there's a different norm here.
     
    RobbyGo36 likes this.
  5. Sorry to hear that. You seem to be a great, caring girlfriend and the fact that he managed to do 90 days no PMO is awesome, especially since you helped him with that.

    Unfortunately, just like someone above said, the work isn't done at 90 days. 90 days give your mind a fresh mind and a stronger will. The true meaning of NoFap is, as the name suggests, not masturbate, like, never again. The best advice I can give is to help him continue with no PMO. That way his brain will rewire and he'll be able to look at everything from a fresh perspective. It also means, he'll look at you from a fresh perspective too.
    What do I mean by that? Well, my girlfriend (now my wife) used to date me when I was already an addict. I remember loving her, but as an addict I was watching different kind of stuff, sometimes women remotely different from her. It's normal (if you can call it normal) among addicts and it's known as escalation. We seek more and more stimulating things. Sometimes addicts even seek the opposite sex. However, after a dedicated reboot, an addict returns to, well, normal. And currently my wife is the most appealing person to me.

    Based on your message, I believe that he loves you. He also loves in a sexual way, don't worry about that. However, his perspective is distorted. Help him get through the addiction, but in the end, it's his decision as well.

    Cheers! You're an awesome person! I hope you'll find your happiness, too!
     
    lilygl and lord_nelson like this.
  6. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    Oh honey let me see if I can help you out here.
    It means he is addicted to pornography. Nothing more. The features in question are what triggers his arousal template today. Tomorrow it will be something different. Next week it will be something different again. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Having a baby face is great because while everyone else shows their age, you’ll age quite gracefully. Enjoy your petite figure, flat stomach, and great ass. Most of us wish we had that. No tits? Big deal. Please don’t let that convince you to think there is something wrong with them because they are small. Men objectify all tits no matter how big or small they are. You are not a representation of your tits. You are a representation of the sum of your parts; all of them not just in body, but in mind and spirit too. So don’t go get a breast augmentation for some man because you are self-conscious about your tits.
    Settling on the sexual desire? WYM? You mean he is settling for you when what he really wants is someone like them? They are nothing but pixels on a screen and a means to an end and thy name is orgasm so that he can service his dopamine addiction. Nothing more. Also WYM he never gets off to anything remotely similar to you? Does that mean he doesn’t get off to you too? How is the sex life from your perspective? On a scale of 1-10? The grass is not greener on the other side. It’s greener on the side you fertilize and water it.
    Do you have any idea how many women would die to have a man in their life that likes conversation and connection over getting in our pants? Not to invalidate what you are feeling. It’s very real. But one of these days, you’re going to really appreciate that very much. Please don’t prioritize “hotter” in front of it.
    Yes and that’s an escalation. It is cheating.
    No. Guys who are sex addicts do this kind of stuff regardless of a relationship.
    Yeah, him and a whole others in this community. It likely means he was whiteknuckling the whole time so he could say “See…I’m not a porn addict anymore”.
    I think he is fully enmeshed in his addiction. I think he needs help. I think you should consider what it is you’re prepared to do. Most people would tell you that at this stage of the relationship to cut your losses and find someone else. Only someone else may have the same problem or worse. Just know that it isn't about you. Set some boundaries. Protect yourself from abuse (gaslighting, etc.), and utilize a dual plan approach. One with him in your life and one without. Then throw the ball back in his court and see what he does with it.
    You’re welcome
     
    you_can_UK, lilygl and trying33 like this.
  7. engelman

    engelman Fapstronaut

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    Porn sell us fantasy, it's nothing real. It's like you were saying ... my bf only watches films about true crimes ... is he a psycho killer?
    You know, for example when I consume P, I don't usually pay much attention to the actresses faces, while in real life that's usually the only part of a woman I look at.

    If you feel insecure about the feelings of your bf, have a long and quiet conversation about the topic, but take P out of that conversation, because I'm sure your bf is with you in a relationship for many other "features" you have that he loves.
     
    Stephan S and lilygl like this.
  8. lilygl

    lilygl Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your answer, really appreciate it :) <3
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  9. lilygl

    lilygl Fapstronaut

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    thank you!
     
  10. lilygl

    lilygl Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your loving answer, it means a lot <3 :)
     
  11. lilygl

    lilygl Fapstronaut

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    Hi there :) !!!

    Really appreciate your answer, do you mind If I elaborate more so you can tell me something more? Also sorry if there’s any typos my 1st language is not english.

    -Why do you think these features in particular are his arousal template? He has had this taste since before meeting me (he told me he had sex with a couple of bbw girls years ago and also he showed me once his photo gallery in an old phone he had and saw the same type of girls he enjoys now).

    -Some ppl are addicted to teen porn, ebony porn.. whatever… I know If I breakup with him it is highly likely I end up with another porn addict cuz nowadays 80% of guys kinda have a porn addiction. But maybe If I date a guy whose arousal template is my body I would feel more validated and less self conscious :/.

    I’ve always felt like less “womanly” bc of been petite/lil chested and not that curvy. My bf kinda confirms that insecurity. He “loves” me, he doesn’t find me the the pinnacle of hotness.

    I just can’t help thinking maybe If I was busty he wouldn’t masturbate that much cuz he would feel satisfied.

    Thank you so much for comforting me about my body image issues btw

    My answer to “ Also WYM he never gets off to anything remotely similar to you? Does that mean he doesn’t get off to you too? How is the sex life from your perspective? On a scale of 1-10? “:

    -I would say there’s been really shitty periods when I didn’t even know he had an addiction and he would never touch me or notice me sexually (that’s why I discovered his addiction). Our last fight was about these girls he knows and jerked off to and since then he hasn’t watched porn and it’s been 2 months. These last 2 months his libido is kinda through the roof comparing to before and I would say our sex life is a solid 7.5/8.

    We’ve been dating for 2 years now.

    -I saw 3 girls he knows in his fb/ Instagram browsing history. I asked him about 2 of them and he said he had met them a few times in parties years ago. At first I didn’t know he knew those girls, and when he told me so I felt really betrayed. It was like he would fuck them given the occasion. I felt cheated on. Thank you for confirming this feeling.

    He said, to justify himself, he didn’t really “jerk off”to them, he was just peeking cuz he was aroused, searched for a few pics and then he watched a porn video. Still escalating to me :/.


    Anyway I’m really sorry for this long ass caption. I just don’t have anybody to talk to about this stuff.

    Have a Good day xxx <3
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  12. lilygl

    lilygl Fapstronaut

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    Interesting ... What do you mean when you say it sells you guys a fantasy? Thank you xxx
     
  13. engelman

    engelman Fapstronaut

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    I think one of reasons P is so exciting is just that. We know deeper it's not real, but we like it anyway.

    I've Med to P-videos I wouldn't ever tried to do in real life, but at that time, I was in a kind of unreal exciting world of dreams. I've also Med to blondes and I don't really usually like blond women in real life.
     
    lilygl likes this.
  14. lilygl

    lilygl Fapstronaut

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    Hello again :). Ok maybe most of the time the porn you watch you wouldn't even like it in real life, but my bf has had sex a few times with bbw women, and also has a fixation for busty figures since forever. So maybe it's not just a fantasy? The thing is I am 1'65m and 50 kg lmao
     
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  15. It's always a mix. Even a part of addiction recovery may be fantasy, in the sense that someone may think wow instant community, just go to these meetings and you're going to be automatically supported and it'll all be perfect. It's totally voluntary so it varies greatly. People can recover but it takes a lot of work.
     
  16. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    In a state of addiction, the addict will seek whatever happens to feed and fuel that necessity for dopamine. If it is a drug they will seek more of it. If it is gambling they will seek more of it. If it is sex they will seek more of it. The problem with addiction servicing the brain’s necessity to get more of it, each time we do, the effectiveness of it is approximately half of what it was the previous time and so forth and so on. For example, if he looked at the same old photo or video over and over again, eventually he would get to a point where it is completely ineffective, and would pursue other means which is why they will migrate to other sources for their addiction. It is escalation and it takes a whole lot of recovery work to learn how to stop ourselves.
    Please, DO NOT allow your desire to become desirable dictate your relationships. I cannot reiterate it enough that the addiction itself is what’s the driving force behind it all. It is NOT about you. I don’t know about the 80% number…I’d have to ask my counselor about that. I’m sure he knows since he does a whole hell of a lot of research. If you do your own recovery work it’s highly likely you end up with someone who is not a porn addict because you’ll know what all to look out for in a man. If it doesn’t meet your criteria and expectations move on. You don’t have to settle for this lifestyle.
    This is just my humble opinion but you would do well to do some affirmations. You have convinced yourself that something is wrong with you because you are petite. You have small breasts. You’re not that curvy. Do you think every man finds that unattractive? I don’t. Learn to love and enjoy your petiteness, lack of curveness, and small chest. I’m sure you’re hotter than you think you are. If he doesn’t like what he sees, it’s a package deal. Pardon the expression but he can “move the fuck on”.
    Trust me on this and every woman who has been down this path before can testify to it. “THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO YOURSELF TO KEEP HIM FROM MASTURBATING” Nothing! You cannot change him. You can only change yourself. It’s up to him to want to change else he will continue down a path of destruction and likely take you down with him if you stay.
    You’re so welcome. If my counselor hadn’t convinced me to do affirmations and continued to do it even when I felt like it wasn’t helping me within 60 days I started to believe in them. I started to believe in myself. His view of your body isn’t about you. It’s all about him. If you were tall blond with a cute figure and big boobs you would still experience the same problem with an addict in your life. Once you release the addict and focus on your betrayal trauma recovery nothing he does will matter anymore and you will have the self confidence to do what is necessary to take care of yourself first.
    I guess that’s an improvement then. Anyway it is unsustainable unless he is doing real recovery work. Sounds like he is whiteknuckling it to me.
    Look if he gives any thought to fucking them it is an act of betrayal. It is cheating on you emotionally and that is a form of psychological abuse. It sorta kinda makes you feel like shit doesn’t it? Also he hasn’t told you what my counselor refers to as “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth”. Any deviation from that is an act of deception. It is a lie.
    Minimizing trivializing and invalidating your feelings by trying to justify the unjustifiable.
    Send me a PM. I’ll talk to you.
    You too!
     
    lilygl likes this.
  17. engelman

    engelman Fapstronaut

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    I don't know you, but I wouldn't like to be with someone who only loves me by my physical appearance.
     
    lilygl likes this.
  18. Real Jerry Seinfeld

    Real Jerry Seinfeld Fapstronaut

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    What men look at in porn has little to no bearing on how their partner looks. Men will want what they don't have sexually, it's the thrill of the new and unfamiliar that motivates fantasies. Almost every man has fantasised sexually about girls he knows and barely finds attractive, and I would bet he's searching out porn actresses that resemble those specific girls physically, rather than preferring a specific 'type' over yours. That doesn't mean he prefers them to you either, guys just fantasise about sex with women they know or have known.
     
  19. lilygl

    lilygl Fapstronaut

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    Hi there :) Thank you for your answer! Don't you think is crossing a line lusting to girls pics you know in real life? Do you think him fantasizing about doesn't mean he finds it appealing? It just happens to be his only liked porn genre since I am dating him and it's been 2 years :/
     
    +TenPercent likes this.

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