Hello world.

[20 Years Of Porn Use]

Hello world. I am a born-again Christian American male. Long story short, I started watching porn after high school, more specifically when I started drinking. I just kind of went into this hedonistic way of life but by myself with my alcohol and my computer, and it continued like this until I almost drank myself to death for other reasons. My health got so bad, that at the end, I had lost my sex drive. All I was doing was laying around drinking at that point. Basically, after I got sober I got my sex drive back. Naturally, I went back to what I knew, porn, and I've been using it ever since. The problem is that I am still a hedonist. I stopped drinking but I got deeper into porn addiction to feed the craving of extreme pleasure. Basically I became an edgomaniac, and would edge for several hours. I lost count of how many days I spent in extended extreme pleasure looking at hundreds or thousands of images. I never really liked video porn that much when it had a guy in it because it is so unrealistic and I quite frankly do not want to compare myself to an anomaly of nature, but I digress. I'm saying all that to say this. Porn addiction has taken over my life. I can't concentrate on anything worthwhile because at the slightest whim, there I go, I'm off, where to? Google of course, a quick Google image search, and myriad other websites, no doubt ending up with at least a few dozen tabs open. I'm a pornomaniac. I go into this sort of zombie-like state, or mindlessness. I used to practice a form of meditation called no-mind where I developed many extra-sensory perceptions, which, is powerful, but I experience this seemingly catatonic state where I'm just seeing how much porn I can consume before I finally can't take it anymore and I have to ejaculate. The problem is I do this when I should be working. I work from home. Please do not tell me to "go somewhere else and work." I'm looking for real solutions, not running from my problems by taking my laptop to Starbucks, there's nothing wrong with that, it's just not for me, I am way too easily distracted for that, I need isolation and total focus for my work. I know some people say too much isolation is not good, but it's my favorite thing to do, is be alone. I am so at peace alone, there is no drama, and no chaos other than what I create, so I can control it. I enjoy my life of isolation. That said, I can also talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime, about anything. I never met a stranger, except for in my own family, but I digress. I love feeling good. Now, I do feel good when I'm not watching porn. My baseline is peace & happiness. There was times in the past where I had some dark days, but for a while now, everything has been good. I credit this to God. Hundreds or thousands of times, I have vowed to quit porn. Yet, my follow-through game is not even peewee league. At the slightest urge, I yield to the force of darkness that is lust and depravity. 20 years ago I blamed alcohol for my depravity, today I have no excuse. Never have I ever been attracted to children or men, so let me be clear about that. As far as men that like men, that's their business. I don't like it. But regarding many other depraved acts, I have indulged in masterbatorial fantasies to a plethora of imaginable things. The problem is, hedonism and porn addiction have lead me to be completely without morals, except for the protection of children, innocence, and life, other than that, to me, as a porn addict, if it's consensual, it's fine. Many things that I'm seemingly ok with now, are contrary to my religion and the Creator, Jesus, in whom I believe. Pornography is a corrupting force, it corrodes & dissolves morals in the name of pleasure and freedom. Darkness is a subtle but powerful force that disguises itself as light and fun and pleasure. If you breath in a little darkness it gets into your blood, and into your body and mind. The soul of a Christian is spotless, perfect, holy, blameless and clean, but the flesh is not born-again while we are still here on this old earth, so to gratify the flesh, to feed it, to make it stronger, so strong that it takes over even the will of the spirit of a man? That is where my concern is. My will used to be to quit porn, but I have gotten to a point where I just want to control the kind and type of porn I use. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that "The only solution we have to suggest is complete abstinence." I'm starting to think this is true for pornography as well. I have said that in the past, but now here I am on the other side and I'm just ok with porn. What I'm not ok with is where porn tries to lead me. Most porn is really kind of gay if you think about it, unless you look only at images of the opposite sex by themselves. The porn industry as a whole is a massive force, in which there are many many vortexes you can get spun into. There are many seducers in the industry, and many women who hate men, so they knowingly or unknowingly seek to destroy them by feeding them with their own weaknesses or insecurities, taunting them, teasing them, lying to them, telling them lies that exploit their trauma, anger, insecurities, or weaknesses. It's a dangerous game with slippery slopes, and miry pits, that act like quicksand. The hardest time to get help is when you don't want it. However, if you don't like what is happening to you, do something different right? Doing the same thing expecting different results is supposedly the definition of insanity. So, if I want to continue my current situation, I can continue the same behavior. The problem is once you've seen what it can be like, and that your eyes can not stop feasting on an endless bounty of flesh, then how does one pull away from the power thereof? Rip the bandaid off. Just do the hard thing. Do the thing you do want to do. Getting rid of the porn is easy enough but impossible these days. Before the internet, thank God you could just throw the nudie mags in the garbage and be done with it. The internet. The internet. Regular women do not stand a chance against the internet. Some men may sleep around, but a man who is addicted to internet pornography can not be satisfied by just one woman no matter how hot she is, if he could, and he is with a woman, then he would not still be addicted to pornography. A man who is completely satisfied with his woman, is a man who is not a porn addict. What kind of life is it, to gratify the flesh while looking at a screen? In the beginning, God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and screen. These are the writings of a man who has experienced the power of pornography addiction. If you keep at it, porn will pull you to the other side where you just don't give a damn anymore and you accept that porn is your life. A red flag is only red to those who can see color, but to those wearing rose colored glasses, it's just a flag, there is no meaning to it. So, what now? Do what any good comic-book hero would do, and break free of the chains of darkness of course. Easier said than done. There is a point when you grow to love the darkness, and you don't see it as darkness, you see it as light, and fun, and freedom. The truth is that all sin is slavery and bondage, and all sin destroys, corrupts, and corrodes. Take a shower with your life. Clean it up. So saith myself. Take a shower with your life. Clean it up.