Hello

So I was fumbling through Reddit, which I started using yesterday [never used before] and somehow I came across a fascinating story. I will not post that here because I am not certain I can post links. Ironically I clicked "NoFap" with some form of intention on possibly seeing porn since I didn't actually know what NoFap was. I assumed it was something along the lines of "I bet you can't help but fap to this."

The article ate at me. I became completely enticed and couldn't stop reading it. I went in for porn and ironically was left feeling disgusted at myself. I didn't know that problems existed and even now I can't wait to read even more articles within these forums.

I have played videogames for years. I have fapped daily for years. When I was a young teen I would fap many times a day just because I was at my computer and I had nothing to do but AFK waiting on my game so... why not? I never considered the possibility of an addiction to fapping itself or the porn. I just assumed it was fine and why not? What else would I be doing if not fapping? Just waiting for a loading screen?

I withdrew from my friends [IRL] and I would spend all my time playing videogames. I have thousands and thousands and thousands of actual game time [1046 days 16 hrs time in game, on just ONE game]. This doesn't mean I haven't had a life outside of videogames and porn though. I have always played sports and been good at them. I just didn't put any time and dedication into those like I did retreating to my room to sit alone at my computer.

I just tried to rationalize with myself even in the posting of this introduction as to why it's really not that bad of a problem. Thinking I am not truly addicted. If I am not addicted then why often after I fap do I promise myself to stop fapping and stop watching porn? I don't watch cable TV so I never see any of those anti-masturbation or Anti-porn commercials. I never have any outside motivation to stop. Why would I be left feeling like it was wrong? I still don't know this. The rationalizing part was me thinking... I don't really have a problem.

I just lied to myself saying there is no problem. If there isn't a problem, why do I hide it? I don't talk openly about porn to even my "closest" friends. I do it in private [not that it would be done publicly] and always in a secretive manner. I go home when I know my girlfriend is working and immediately pop my laptop open instead of just going to bed. I sit at work and can't wait to get home so I can fap and sleep. When my girlfriend asked me do I fap? I said yes. When she asked me do you watch porn? I said no. I felt like I cheated on her when she asked me that. I lied to her. We've been dating for 4 years.

So I've discovered this addiction I didn't know actually existed. Where do I go from here? I don't want to admit openly to my girlfriend that I watch porn. Can I recover on my own? Is it possible to break this habit? I started with porn magazines I was introduced to by finding them in a dumpster when I was 10. I've been fapping ever since. For 13 years. I got a couple videos from my friends older brothers as a young teen then I started of course streaming it on the internet when it became widely available to me.

I've tried to stop but never made it longer than a week. Things were going good, I seemed to be in great spirits then next thing I knew, I was back to my porn and fapping. When my girlfriend is home for 4 or 5 days without working [never works the same shifts as a nurse] I just don't fap. I find sex can be boring at times and sometimes I need to be goaded into it. Come that fifth day away from porn I feel great. I then have a great desire for her, and her alone. It makes me want her and that feeling is awesome. Yet again, back to porn and it all goes away.

So I've written what seems to be an essay without even seemingly scratching the surface to a problem I didn't even know I had an hour ago. Where do I go from here? Do I need help? Can I avoid telling her and recover fine? Now I feel like I have cheated on her. I feel like I have cheated on myself. I feel miserable. What can I expect if I join a challenge? Can I still have sex? It seems to me that sex isn't a problem itself. It's invigorating after a few days away from porn and makes me feel "good" as opposed to a sour sadness I receive after fapping to porn.

I am sorry for an essay here that is clearly TL;DR. I must admit I have just come down pretty hard on myself, and for a seemingly good reason. How could I have missed this?!

 

Thanks. I have been reading other posts and found even more things that I can relate to.