Hello

[Fishkeeper]

hello guys,i’m new around here. i don’t think i ever talked about this in my life but maybe it’s worth a try. I’m 40, i’ve had my first experiences with pornography maybe at 10, with some soft stuff, films and some magazines found hidden maybe by my father.
Then my first computer arrived and i started downloading images from bbs, even before internet came along. With internet and the increase of bandwith it always increased and increased,becoming a guaranteed part of my day. I think my longer abstinence streakhave been maybe a couple of weeks, in 30years!
In my 20s I started dating girls, not many actually. I lost my virginity at 22 and all my first sexual experiences were full of tension and failures. But i’m quite anxious by character so that was normal. Finally i found a woman who was patient and caring and sex was finally fun and satisfying.
But even with her i continued my porn use, just a bit less. I married her, and we are together since 11 years now.

Now the embarrassing part: i’m still using porn,every day 1 or 2 times. She is clearly losing hope, we have sex together maybe 2 times a month, or sometimes less. She is not a sex bomb but she is beautiful and attractive. She doesn’t like some things lake giving or receiving oral and that discourages me even more. I know (hope) she won’t leave me but I don’t want to ruin her life for my weakness.

I’ve gotten an habit of smoking weed while masturbating, that it’s a big trigger and give me a lot of satisfaction. Actually without weed i realize my drive to do it is a bit less.

And there is another big problem: my memory has been declining. It’s starting to become a problem, i can’t remember what i ate 3 or 4 days ago. When we whatch a mvie ioften need 20or more minutes before i realize I already saw it. Does this happen to anyone? I’ve learned to live with this so my job is not affected, altough i could probably do much more with my old memory...
Ok, enough. I don’t know if i’m ready to reboot as you say here, but i just wanted to reach out and understand what you guys think about my story, if it’s common or similar to others, if it’s solvable...

I’m not religious, so don’t waste your time with prayers. Or do if you like, i don’t care about that.

 

[Deleted Account]

Welcome!

 

[Deleted Account]

hello guys,i’m new around here. i don’t think i ever talked about this in my life but maybe it’s worth a try. I’m 40, i’ve had my first experiences with pornography maybe at 10, with some soft stuff, films and some magazines found hidden maybe by my father.
Then my first computer arrived and i started downloading images from bbs, even before internet came along. With internet and the increase of bandwith it always increased and increased,becoming a guaranteed part of my day. I think my longer abstinence streakhave been maybe a couple of weeks, in 30years!
In my 20s I started dating girls, not many actually. I lost my virginity at 22 and all my first sexual experiences were full of tension and failures. But i’m quite anxious by character so that was normal. Finally i found a woman who was patient and caring and sex was finally fun and satisfying.
But even with her i continued my porn use, just a bit less. I married her, and we are together since 11 years now.

Now the embarrassing part: i’m still using porn,every day 1 or 2 times. She is clearly losing hope, we have sex together maybe 2 times a month, or sometimes less. She is not a sex bomb but she is beautiful and attractive. She doesn’t like some things lake giving or receiving oral and that discourages me even more. I know (hope) she won’t leave me but I don’t want to ruin her life for my weakness.

I’ve gotten an habit of smoking weed while masturbating, that it’s a big trigger and give me a lot of satisfaction. Actually without weed i realize my drive to do it is a bit less.

And there is another big problem: my memory has been declining. It’s starting to become a problem, i can’t remember what i ate 3 or 4 days ago. When we whatch a mvie ioften need 20or more minutes before i realize I already saw it. Does this happen to anyone? I’ve learned to live with this so my job is not affected, altough i could probably do much more with my old memory...
Ok, enough. I don’t know if i’m ready to reboot as you say here, but i just wanted to reach out and understand what you guys think about my story, if it’s common or similar to others, if it’s solvable...

I’m not religious, so don’t waste your time with prayers. Or do if you like, i don’t care about that.

Hi. Welcome to forum!

Make sure you create a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

I would also like to suggest you to look into mindfulness meditation. It has helped me personally tremendously to learn how to deal with urges and triggers. It takes a while to get good at it and notice results, so you need to be consistent with it, but once you do it's very powerful. It has been used by sages for thousands of years to deal with various issues of the mind. And in recent decades the science is also catching up to what ancient sages have know for centuries. Meditation these days are widely used as very effective tool by psychologists for treating addiction and by neurologists for supporting recovery of the brain after physical injury. Plus it is generally a great exercise for the brain the same way as jogging is great exercise for the body.

You gotta make sure it is proper mindfulness meditation though. "Mindfulness" meditation where we just focus on breath is more like a concentration meditation instead. It works too but differently and not as powerfully in my experience. Real mindfulness meditation however trains you to accept your urges by understanding the nature of them by observing them, not just suppress them by concentrating on something else instead. It makes you comfortable with them. And once you accept and become comfortable with them there is no need to get rid of them, so there is no need to PMO. Only reason why we PMO is because that urge, that itch in our crotch is uncomfortable, we wanna get rid of it. And then after PMO we have our release. Or we simply want pleasure. And inability to have that pleasure makes us uncomfortable. But if we accept that we can not have pleasure then resistance is gone and there is no reason to PMO.

Acceptance and mindfulness is the key. Check out this Ted talk on acceptance and mindfulness practice, it gives a good idea of what's it's about when it comes to philosophy. The mindfulness practice as described by psychologist in a the video can be used by itself but ideally should be used as supplementation to your daily sitting meditation. Sitting meditation I personally practice and recommend to people is as explained by meditation expert in this YouTube playlist. If you don't like the monk or want other method there is this awesome smartphone app called Headspace for guided meditations.

Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!

 

[Deleted Account]

Hey FishKeeper,

I am new to this group too, and I have a lot of parallel experiences and concerns.

Happy to connect and talk about marriage, porn addiction, smoking weed and the no religious angle of your first post.

I really think this forum could make a big difference.

 

[Fishkeeper]

Hey FishKeeper,

I am new to this group too, and I have a lot of parallel experiences and concerns.

Happy to connect and talk about marriage, porn addiction, smoking weed and the no religious angle of your first post.

Hi there, very happy to find someone with similar experiences. I'm working now, so i'll probably write more tonight. Congrats to setting up your counter and keep us updated!

 

[Fishkeeper]

...and the no religious angle of your first post.

Reading around makes me think how much impact can religion have on the topic of masturbation. Guilt and shaming is the religious way of addressing it, and as usual it have the reversed effect of isolating the person and adding to his problems instead of solving them.
I'm atheist but have been catholic until i was 15-16, so all my first experiences with self sex were charged with guilt...

 

[Deleted Account]

When I started to confront my porn/sex addiction I started to see a therapist. He recommended I look at SA/SAA as an option. I went onto their site and looked at the 12 Steps and half of them had the word GOD in them. I was instantly turned off by the whole system.

My wife started seeing a therapist too and her councilor mentioned that many people who have porn addiction have had past sexual trauma as children. I had that experience when I was 7 or 8 as an alter boy. The priest use to undress and masturbate in front of me in the sacristy. At the time I thought "wow, adults are weird" and never mentioned it to anyone. I don't know if he molested me but do have memories of sitting in his lap wearing my underwear.

I found out later that the priest was one of the infamous participants in the scandal that broke in the 90s where the bishop would move sex offenders to new parishes knowing that they could continue to molest children. There were lots of law suits with huge settlements but I never felt I had been traumatize so I didn't seek legal help. I was ready to step forward and present my experience to the court if I felt the other victims were being doubted, but the cases were settled in the favor of the alter boys. Thankfully.

That is why I was excited to find Nofap as an option to traditional 12 step because there isn't a huge religious agenda.

On a side note: I think I have been an atheist from a very early age. I never believed in God even before my experience as an alter boy. I always thought it was a scam to get money. Funny, I remember clearly going to confession when I was in 3rd grade and lying to the priest. I didn't have anything to confess so I made up some elaborate story about stealing just so I had something to say.

Recently I have started to meditate to help with urges. Feel that catholic church stole my spiritual side, but intrigued by some eastern religions that are more introspective. You mentioned guilt and shame - since starting to reflect on my thoughts about excessive PMO, I am happy to say that even though I had my first reset yesterday, it was the first time I didn't feel both of those. I like being aware of the science of what is going on and knowing that I am addicted to dopamine. It is tough when you are hooked on a drug that you produce - at least it is not expensive.

Congrates on reaching day 4 - keep up the good work.

 

[Fishkeeper]

thanks for sharing your experience. i’ve also been an altar boy sometimes but fortunately i didn’t have to pass your disgusting experience.

 

[Deleted Account]

I consider myself one of the lucky ones. He was obviously grooming me for something much worst. One day he just disappeared, all of a sudden there were always two reverends (I think that is what we called priests) for all services and neither was ever alone with me in the back room.

To your point about it being destructive to guilt and shame kids to masturbate - It really does lead to isolation, depression and secrecy. I have to think that when our brains are developed enough to start to call out the bullshit nature of the church it is right when we are most primed to start seeking pleasure in our bodies. It backfires big time when we think 'Porn and Masturbating...Where Have You Been All My Life'. Feel like you need to catch up for lost time. In my case addiction and excess.