Since I was very little, I was sexually active, Secretly my earliest memory is sexual related. Still, I did not watch porn till I was 18. After I got introduced to it by myself, I watched it a lot.
I developed a superhero personality as a kid to fight against this. This superhero personality helped me a lot, motivated me to rise higher, be strong. I'm now doing my PhD and also, circumstances and difficulties blessed me with a loving and kind heart to those around. I believe God with his constant love had planned and steadied my ways in life. But this superhero personality is not always strong and stronger impulses always, ALWAYS, kept me addicted to porn. I tried to erase my bad habits multiple times, I prayed a lot, I tried a lot, but this carried on.
This is my struggle: I am different sexually to others. I had all the symptoms that diagnosed me as transsexual. I abstained from experimenting with sex in real life and seek to discover more about myself. But PMO was regular, even 5 times a day sometimes. With increase in sexual urges, I started taking some herbal supplements that helps me to match my sexual identity, which weird enough acted to bring my sexual drive way low. This helped me quit porn for a long time, 5 months.
After I quit porn for 5 months, I met a girl, I was happy, the happiness helped me stay without PMO for an even longer time. Sadly this is not the happy ever after one would wish for. Trouble came in the form of ignorance and society. When I introduced my girlfriend to my parents, whom I feared but also loved a lot, they could not accept it culturally. This sent me into depression and then back into porn (rarely but still there).
In my culture, sons marry ones their parents specify, it's very strict. They should also be from the same region, speak the same language. This girl, I love her, she follows God, she made me a better person, our goals in life matched, loved everything about her, my dreams and goals in one beautiful person. But she is older than me, (younger at heart), from a different country, and she is not one of us, so my family said NO. After many months of taking, slowly wearing out my soul, I found none to stand beside me, not my Mom, my Dad, or my Sister whom I loved, all were against me but God. And God's gift to me, was a peace that could not be shaken, and this beautiful girl b my side.
In my culture, Lots of people leave the girl at this stage. My parents and my relatives thought the same. I was after all, their golden boy, the one they looked up to as a moral light. I was honest with my parents about everything at this stage, my hidden personality, my whole history that you read till now. This I did for transparency, I was neither fully good, nor fully bad, I am just one more human being. To parents, sometimes, their son is the perfect one, I had to say otherwise this time.
As humans, sometimes, we need to stand up for what we believe, even if the whole society is against it. I married the girl I loved, I had a sweet little marriage in a charming church surrounded by friends. I got married all the way in America, while all my family was in India. I tried to have them all here, but my tries were in vain, the culture held my parents away. This way, I selfishly took the joy away from my parents. They had a lot of dreams for me, a huge wedding, a girl they chose, I took it all away. They called me to say I was now dead and then they stopped calling. I still send them a message every week, asking for love to take over, and to know God's love. One day they will respond, someday.
Back to PMO: all these events, some really happy that took me to heights of joy for me helped me get out, but the sadness and depression associated with the loss of my parents and everyone I cherished from childhood made me head back to PMO. The temporary release of little dopamine at the cost of every potential for good. It's been 2 months since my parents stopped talking to me, Today is day 0 for me again. I hope tomorrow will be day 1. I need to run from it, help me.
Sorry for this huge article, I wrote it for myself. If you read it, my thanks. You now know one more person's journey through life.
I developed a superhero personality as a kid to fight against this. This superhero personality helped me a lot, motivated me to rise higher, be strong. I'm now doing my PhD and also, circumstances and difficulties blessed me with a loving and kind heart to those around. I believe God with his constant love had planned and steadied my ways in life. But this superhero personality is not always strong and stronger impulses always, ALWAYS, kept me addicted to porn. I tried to erase my bad habits multiple times, I prayed a lot, I tried a lot, but this carried on.
This is my struggle: I am different sexually to others. I had all the symptoms that diagnosed me as transsexual. I abstained from experimenting with sex in real life and seek to discover more about myself. But PMO was regular, even 5 times a day sometimes. With increase in sexual urges, I started taking some herbal supplements that helps me to match my sexual identity, which weird enough acted to bring my sexual drive way low. This helped me quit porn for a long time, 5 months.
After I quit porn for 5 months, I met a girl, I was happy, the happiness helped me stay without PMO for an even longer time. Sadly this is not the happy ever after one would wish for. Trouble came in the form of ignorance and society. When I introduced my girlfriend to my parents, whom I feared but also loved a lot, they could not accept it culturally. This sent me into depression and then back into porn (rarely but still there).
In my culture, sons marry ones their parents specify, it's very strict. They should also be from the same region, speak the same language. This girl, I love her, she follows God, she made me a better person, our goals in life matched, loved everything about her, my dreams and goals in one beautiful person. But she is older than me, (younger at heart), from a different country, and she is not one of us, so my family said NO. After many months of taking, slowly wearing out my soul, I found none to stand beside me, not my Mom, my Dad, or my Sister whom I loved, all were against me but God. And God's gift to me, was a peace that could not be shaken, and this beautiful girl b my side.
In my culture, Lots of people leave the girl at this stage. My parents and my relatives thought the same. I was after all, their golden boy, the one they looked up to as a moral light. I was honest with my parents about everything at this stage, my hidden personality, my whole history that you read till now. This I did for transparency, I was neither fully good, nor fully bad, I am just one more human being. To parents, sometimes, their son is the perfect one, I had to say otherwise this time.
As humans, sometimes, we need to stand up for what we believe, even if the whole society is against it. I married the girl I loved, I had a sweet little marriage in a charming church surrounded by friends. I got married all the way in America, while all my family was in India. I tried to have them all here, but my tries were in vain, the culture held my parents away. This way, I selfishly took the joy away from my parents. They had a lot of dreams for me, a huge wedding, a girl they chose, I took it all away. They called me to say I was now dead and then they stopped calling. I still send them a message every week, asking for love to take over, and to know God's love. One day they will respond, someday.
Back to PMO: all these events, some really happy that took me to heights of joy for me helped me get out, but the sadness and depression associated with the loss of my parents and everyone I cherished from childhood made me head back to PMO. The temporary release of little dopamine at the cost of every potential for good. It's been 2 months since my parents stopped talking to me, Today is day 0 for me again. I hope tomorrow will be day 1. I need to run from it, help me.
Sorry for this huge article, I wrote it for myself. If you read it, my thanks. You now know one more person's journey through life.
