Hello

Hello my name is Glen, I am a recovering addict.

I was introduced to porn as a teenager. I have been using it to get myself off for the last 10+ years. My porn habits have been at a more than daily level for more than half of that. I have thought my porn habits were under my control. But more and more they are really out of my control at 2+ times a day. And my life is in a bad shape slowly heading downhill.

My attention span is poor. My job performance is suffering. I have no energy for my free time to gain skills I am interested in or move toward what I care about. I am feeling disgusted with myself and seeing the spark of my life going out. It could be much worse but it is not getting better. "Hitting the bottom" is not a goal.

I have tried and failed to recover multiple times on my own. I decided to join this forum and commit to making a change in my life. My first goal will be 14 days without PMO, which would be the longest I have gone since my addiction began. My ultimate goal is to go however long it takes to stop feeling cravings I cannot resist.

I did not say porn addict because I know that my addiction is not really to the porn. For me, in PMO, ultimately P is for M, and M is for O. O is what gives a few moments of positive emotion and avoiding pain. And this means I have more than one addiction behavior trying to avoid moments of negative emotions. My smartphone habits are one example. A PMO reboot would be just one part of healing myself.

I will be starting my journal and looking for an accountability partner. In the long term I hope to see improved energy and a sense of control return in my life.

 

Thank you everyone for the welcome and encouragement.

That is the plan. But 14 days on its own would prove something to myself. That the spark has not gone out.

 

What I'm reading in the PAWS thread is crazy and scary for sure though. Don't know what to think about it at this stage. Just keeping my eyes on my self control goals for now.