Help Changing a Horrible Relationship with Sex

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by withhopesofstartingover, Mar 20, 2019.

  1. I've started to realise recently that I have a horrible relationship with sex, and I'm scared it's going to result in loneliness. I've always been a very "sexual" guy -- I was the idiot at school that flirted with all the girls and boasted to my friends about who I thought the hottest girls were. It's perhaps no surprise that all the bravado has resulted in a desperately lonely adulthood.

    I lost my virginity at 18-years-old, and it was as awkward and awful as I imagine it is for everyone. I had some good times with my first girlfriend, and it was fun being in a place where we were both clueless and learning together. Towards the end of our relationship I started to ejaculate prematurely every time, and our relationship was collapsing in general, so we went our separate ways.

    I never looked for another girlfriend immediately and threw myself into uni and later work. During this time I had no sexual partners for about six years, and got all of my gratification from porn and camgirls. Then I dated my childhood sweetheart who was very "experienced" and I experienced PIED for the first time. She kicked me out that night, and really scarred my soul. Even though we ended up trying multiple times, our whole relationship was marred by the fact that I couldn't "perform". In my head, I felt the pressure to be like a porn star, and to give her the best sex she'd ever had. Problematic.

    Now I have a new girlfriend who's similarly experienced and I'm having the same erection problems (I'm rebooting) and the same feeling that I have to be the best ever. I just can't get anything going.

    But I'm posting in this thread because there's more than PIED going on here, and I'm hoping others can relate and potentially even guide me:
    • While I think my body is good, I have a deep disdain for my penis. My foreskin is incredibly tight, and can only really be retracted when I'm washing it. It looks abnormal compared to what you see in porn, and makes me very self-conscious. I'm actually going to see a doctor about this next week, but I know he's going to suggest circumcision and I'm just not sure how I feel about that.
    • I never feel like my penis is big enough. Obviously PIED doesn't help because, while I can get pretty hard, I quickly go soft. Like most guys I've spent a lot of time measuring up and at full strength I'm between 5.5-6.0 inches, but rarely do I get any sensation at all when I'm in a girl's vagina. It feels like I'm not even in there, which makes me shrivel up. There have been times when I've asked if girls can still feel me because I just don't have a clue.
    • Condoms are a disaster because I don't feel anything without them, and I feel even less with them on. What the hell are you supposed to do? Even putting the things on kills any intimacy for me.
    • I basically can't do any position other than missionary because I just don't feel big enough. I feel like I'm being crushed when a girl rides me, and everything else just feels awkward and bad. I can't do it.
    To make matters worse, I went through a period where I wanted to live out my sexual fantasies so started paying for escorts a lot. It's almost always been awful with every one I've seen. I even went as far as seeing transgender escorts, because that was my kink in porn for a while.

    It's hard to know what positive steps to take to change this awful relationship I have with sex. Apart from those very first encounters, when my partner and I were largely clueless, I just don't feel like I have the experience or sensation to successfully have sex. I find it painful, awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassing, and frankly I don't know what I'm doing. To make matters worse, I hate the way my penis looks, even if I can get it hard enough to perform.

    I'm abstaining from porn and masturbation, so that's a first positive step. But I feel there's more going on in my situation than pure PIED. I want to have loving and healthy sexual relationships, but I'd argue I'm actually afraid of intimacy at this stage in my life.

    What can I do?
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2019
    Fallensoldier1 likes this.
  2. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    Sounds like you have several things going on. Your fear of intimacy is likely related to your bad experiences with sex. True intimacy is more than performance. It’s grounded in relationship. I would almost guarantee the majority of your issues are porn-induced. Commit to a 90-day hard mode reboot (no PMO) starting today and I think you’ll see major changes in staying power, in hardness of erection and in sensation. You also seem to have some body image issues with your penis. First of all, your size is absolutely average. Google it! As far as the tight foreskin, see a urologist. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Your dick can be fixed with some minor surgery or maybe even with steroid cream. Not every case requires complete circumcision. Look up phimosis. Fixing that problem should change the appearance and get rid of the pain.
  3. Judas Johnson

    Judas Johnson Fapstronaut

    I used to hate my cock, also had a really tight foreskin. I chose to be circumcised at 21 years of age.
    Yes afterwards was painful for a couple of weeks, but now i love my cock.

    As for size, remember there is no perfect penis, what some love others will hate.

    Since being circumcised I became much more confident with my cock.

    I'm.not saying that you should be circumcised, but it's an option.

    If my foreskin grew back overnight I'd be be circumcised again.

    It has has 0 negative effects on me.
  4. Thank you for this. I would agree that this probably all stems from porn. I find it difficult to think that intimacy is enough -- for some reason, I feel like I need to be the best, biggest, strongest, most powerful ever. I can't believe porn has had this kind of long-lasting affect on my thought processes to be honest.

    I will see what the doctor says about the foreskin thing. I feel like I may potentially have a big decision coming up, but like you say, maybe there are less drastic solutions.

    Thank you also for this. I'm hopeful there are solutions less drastic than circumcision, but it's good to hear from someone who's experienced this and feels more confident afterwards.
    Judas Johnson likes this.
  5. GeorgeJetson

    GeorgeJetson Fapstronaut

    I had phimosis and got circumsized when I was 18 - best decision I ever made. I feel much better physically and have much more confidence.
    Judas Johnson likes this.
  6. Thanks! I'll definitely have to consider this, I think.
  7. Circumsexual

    Circumsexual New Fapstronaut

    I received the circumcision when I was 15yo. South Korean guys all circumcise around the teenager. I think circumcision is great for guys. Strongly recommended.
  8. Circumsexual

    Circumsexual New Fapstronaut

    Circumcision is great I think.
  9. Circumsexual

    Circumsexual New Fapstronaut

    I circumcised when I was 15yo. Ask me if you have any questions, I am happy to help you bro.
  10. I spoke to the doctor about circumcision this week. He said he'd seen much tighter foreskins than mine, and basically said I should have a think about things. If I decide I want to investigate further, then I can be referred to a urologist to discuss things further.

    I think, right now, I want to focus on overcoming my porn addiction, PIED, and eradicating all these sexual kinks first. I want to get back to a healthy place mentally, so that then I can investigate circumcision and make a better decision from the right kind of headspace.
  11. Ryan Veitch

    Ryan Veitch Fapstronaut

    I can sympathize with the cockphobia. I am on a hard reboot right now, edging included and one of my favourite edging fantasies was that I had a much bigger appendage with women fighting to get a piece of it. It's the most basic porn construct there is and like it or not, we all absorb it and start wondering if we are falling short and start loathing our bodies. The fact that women also are sold this crap in movies and books does not help either. Eventually we become scared of even making the effort to be intimate because we don't feel we can live up to the expectation.
  12. Clean Willy

    Clean Willy Fapstronaut

    It's nice to hear you have a sensible doctor rather than a typical, "let's cut the bugger off!" with a strange glint in his eye! The foreskin is natural and is there for many good reasons. Only in medical necessity is it advisable to have part of your penis cut off. :oops: You do not have sensitivity now (either because of prone masturbation or so-called "death grip" during excessive masturbation). :( But that sensitivity will return and there are @ 20,000 nerve endings in the foreskin. :p

    Also, your penis is above average in length. :cool: Further to my comments above, when your penis is sensitised again after you reboot from your addiction, you will not have the current issues of no feeling during sex with, or without, a condom.
  13. KeetsScrim

    KeetsScrim Fapstronaut

    If the girl your with now is a decent woman she will give you a chance and not expect you to just pounce on her and ravish her like in some porn fantasy. Do a full reboot and get things working again.
  14. Thanks! I actually feel like we've gotten closer since we've started trying (and failing) to have sex. I've really realised how a sexual education based entirely on porn has completely warped my expectations of what a healthy sexual relationship is supposed to be.

    It's embarrassing that as a 30-year-old man I genuinely believed I'm supposed to be pounding the shit out of girls to have any worth in bed. Sigh.
  15. Sorry to bump this thread but I didn't want to create a new one and I was hoping others could give me some further advice.

    I think my main problem with my girlfriend right now is that I can't perform because I'm scared of not being able to perform. It sounds crazy, but I almost dread being intimate with her because I'm worried if we are intimate and I "fall" short that she'll tire of me.

    I really do want her, and I want to show her that I want her through having a more passionate sexual relationship, but I just can't do it. I do get erect (at least 75% strength, the remaining 25% I imagine will come with reboot) but I lose it instantly when it comes to: putting on a condom, penetrating, or even the mere suggestion of non-missionary positions.

    What's the solution here? I assume communication and continuing my reboot to the best of my ability is the only real option, right?
  16. I wanted to give an update on all this. My girlfriend and I have started having successful sex now and I feel I'm well on the road to recovery. I also don't think I'm going to get a circumcision. While I am self-conscious about the way my penis looks, I've been moving the foreskin backwards and forwards at every opportunity and touching my glans as much as possible. It's still sensitive, but nothing like it was. I feel if I continue down this path, then I should end up with a fairly normal penis -- albeit one with a bit extra foreskin on it.

    I can always change my mind at a later date I guess. For now, this is where I'm at, though.
  17. Great to hear. I'm sure she is happy as well as you.
    Keep it up brother.

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