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Help for a partner of a porn addict

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Galaxy Tree, Aug 1, 2019.

  1. Galaxy Tree

    Galaxy Tree Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    My boyfriend has always had a problem with staying hard while he has been with me doing anything sexual. He used to pass it off as he had a ‘certain handgrip’ and at the time I never thought anything of it, just that I may not have been good enough at doing stuff. However I has had several partners before him and not experienced this issue. However he would go soft during blow jobs, hand jobs and sex, it started to make me feel worthless and unattractive so I started to ask if it happened with porn. He said it did... however I later found out it didn’t happen with porn, he did stay hard.

    Time went on and I found out about him buying some porn on ‘only fans’ we discussed how it made me feel worthless how he was buying other normal guys porn he said he would stop, then I found out he hadn’t. We argued and he promised it would never happen again.

    To stop it being such a taboo subject I asked to watch some porn together to see what he is like during porn. He edged like mad! And he couldn’t reframe from it.

    Still we were having the problem and I found out more about his porn about how he would search for specific porn stars and porn genres and could watch porn for hours and hours weekly and it did shock me. I was horrified. He promised he would stop and cut back. Again I found out he hadn’t and I found out again he was buying porn and that especially hit hard. We broke up because I couldn’t deal with the constant feeling of not being good enough and the lies behind my back.

    We got back together after he promised to never watch porn again. Everything was going fine until I again found out he had. I decided this time that the problem was serious.

    I watched loads YouTube videos and read loads online and found about that porn addiction and PIED is a real thing. I had a sense of relief as other people we’re in the same boat and recovered! He went to see a doctor and the doctor just prescribed a drug to stay up during sex and we have decided to not use it because me and my boyfriend have decided his problem is from his porn addiction.

    I have blocked all adult sites on his phone and laptop and he has deleted twitter and tumblr from his phone and blocked them so he cannot have any access to porn. He really wants to beat it this time, I see his mindset had changed. He has brought a book and also reads about porn addiction. He has also agreed to go to a SAA meeting for help.

    I can’t stop in my mind worrying how he will watch porn in some way and not tell me. I have expressed all the times I’d rather you tell me and we work through it together rather than he lie and relapse again. I also can’t get out of my head not being good enough and feeling worthless as he has told me how porn turns him in so much more than I do. Will this change after the reboot??

    Any tips on what we should do, we are going to try no porn, no masturbation and only orgasm when we are together. Would anybody be able to shed some light on only orgasm with their partner.

    Does anybody have any tips and any stories of success to help me through it? Any other partners of a porn addict out there who could get in touch or any other addicts who could get in touch and tell me their journeys and any general response to mine and my partners story!

    Any help would be much appreciated thank you so much
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. Hello and welcome! :)

    We are glad to have you as a part of our community. Here are some quick links to get you started.

    Getting Started Guide | How to Use the NoFap Forums | Panic Button |Day Counter | Rebooting Resources|Forum Rules | Glossary

    If you wish to keep a journal of your progress you can do so in the appropriate section found here

    There are plenty of wonderful, friendly and knowledgeable people here to help you along on your journey to a life free of PMO. I wish you nothing but the best!
     
  3. Pashka

    Pashka Fapstronaut

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    There is a group for partners of SAA. It is called COSA, Codependents of Sex Addicts. You might want to research codependency in general. There are several recovery and codependent groups out there.

    Going through the 12 steps did help me a great deal. As great as this online forum is, nothing can replace speaking to people face-to-face. It is heartening that you recognize this affects you, too. One thing that did NOT help me was my wife's attitude of, "This is your problem."

    Best of luck to you and your boyfriend.
     
    Galaxy Tree likes this.
  4. Galaxy Tree

    Galaxy Tree Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for the reply!

    I want to be able to tackle this a team. Is there anything that you could recommend that I could do to be more supportive of him?

    We have agreed to go to SAA this coming Monday and I am so excited to get some help and meet other people with the addiction. I will look at the COSA now thank you so much!
     

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