Help, Heartbroken girlfriend

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Defeatedgirlfriend, Apr 15, 2018.

  1. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

    Hi, I’m not new here, I’ve read tons of posts. And my bf has been on and off nofap, but never really into it until about 2 months ago. But I really needed some advice.

    So little back story, my bf and I have been together for 6 years now. He’s had a problem with PMO since he was about 9. When we first started our relationship, he couldn’t even finish with me, and ended up having to masturbate beside me while looking at my boobs. He never wanted to have sex either, it was always getting a wet handjob and grabbing my boobs, not romantic at all. Also, he would get super away from me after and get break up feelings. The break up feelings have gotten so bad before that he has broken up with me multiple times, two of the times really badly where he freaks out on me and says hurtful things to get out of his life - both those times lasted for a whole month, and absolutely no talking the whole month. Just dropped off the face of the earth.

    I let him go every single time, and didn’t contact, and he came back telling me it was a mistake and the stupid porn/wet handjobs made him feel away. Also to add, is that every time he broke up with me, he was in so much pain after he did it, like he really didn’t want to break up with me, his body just made him.

    The porn has really effected our relationship, and my self esteem and trust. Last year, for a whole year, he led me to believe he didn’t masturbate or look at porn once, only to admit when he was breaking up with me that he has been looking at it at least once a week. I knew it the whole time, as I could tell with the way he treated me and the way he acted. He didn’t seem to be getting better. (He has bad anxiety and multiple stomach and brain fog issues because of PMO)

    Over the past couple years, this PMO thing has just crippled me. He’s sometimes too honest, (mostly because his anxiety makes him feel like he needs to tell me every single thing) he has told me that he checks out a lot of girls, has told me he has gone on Facebook to look up a girl from his high school and compare her looks to mine because he felt my looks weren’t enough, (another anxiety thought he always gets and he knows is anxiety, he gets it with his mom and sister too, is that he sometimes thinks we all look really ugly) he’s told me he’s rewinded movies to look at a female and compare me, etc, just things like this.

    Anyways, porn has killed my self esteem. When we got back together this January (2018) I told him no porn or I’m done and can’t be with him. He agreed. He figured nofap is something he needs to do mostly for him, but also for me. And at first, he looked at it a lot still, for like a month and a half. We went to Hawaii together backpacking Feb 21, 2018, and the whole time we were there (6 weeks) he didn’t look at porn once. He struggled lots, but I was there for him and helped keep him from relapsing. We had sex 3 times, and he masturbated once though, (got very angry and told me he’s allowed to touch himself and I can’t stop him) while we were there. We got back a week ago, and yesterday, the first day I go back to work, he masturbated to nothing, and then looked at porn a couple hours later. He didn’t try to tell me he was struggling or anything like we agreed either. He just did it. He says he still wants to do nofap, that he just relapsed, and I believe him. But I’m so heartbroken over this and can’t stop taking it personally.

    I’m angry he didn’t communicate with me and tell me he was struggling. I’m angry he jerked off to other naked girls. I’m angry that he gets away from me because of porn. Everytime he looks at porn, he puts my dreams of getting married and having kids on hold because porn stops him from wanting those things with me. Porn makes him feel not as in love with me, and that’s such a shitty feeling. He came inside me a week ago because he wanted to have a baby with me, and now he doesn’t want kids with me right now because porn makes him feel so away. I’m sitting here wanting to have sex too, and he wants nothing to do with that because he had “sex” with other women. I just don’t know how to stop these feelings and this heartbreak. I understand it’s an addiction and it’s nothing personal, but my brain and heart are just freaking out anyway. I want to be supportive and there for him, but I just want to scream in his face too. Ugh, does any other female feel like this no matter what? And does anyone have any advice, and is this a normal PMO thing? To not feel as in love with your partner because of it? I’m feeling so heartbroken and angry and I haven’t stopped crying since he did it. :(
    OrangeJuice13, Numb, Jagliana and 4 others like this.
  2. For me NoFap is 1/2 program & 1/2 fellowship.

    Click on these people and post a "hello" on their profiles.

    I've found that the bricks that hold this community together are cemented with the support of the members of the fellowship.

    @Rising Sun !!
    @Ready to be healthy

    Look at with whom they exchange messages and you will find more profiles.

    So, if you would have found more profiles yourself, why suggest these particular ones as a start? Those relationships started with just saying hello. So, my ESH is that saying hello has kept the fellowship alive for myself.

    Looking forward to your success and in seeing you say hello on these profiles,

    --> L
  3. One of the ways I got involved with the fellowship was by reading some really great journals. Reading other's stories with their victories and even defeats is a big part of my program.

    I've included journals from all age groups, spiritual members, religious members, secular members, male and female. You should find journals that help. If not, look around, there are hundreds of others from which to choose. When I say "it works if you work it", reading journals is part of that work.

    Once you open a journal, click "Watch Thread" in the upper right of the page to get alerts when new posts are made. Here are just a few:

    @LeoJohn -
    @Iron Patience -
    @ludwig525 -
    @Mr.Imperfect -
    @GeeWhizz -
    @Sunshadow -
    @Tomoya Okazaki -
    @Fortitudo -
    @Dragonnlife -
    @weddingnails -

    There are many more, and you can discover them on your own. But, these are great places to start.

    This is a work in progress. So, if a journal has changed or is no longer active, look around there are some amazing journals on here.

    --> L

    PS - Starting a journal also helped me a great deal.

    The journals are listed by age groups on the forum start page.

    Most members run one journal only. That way both the member and others can go back and look at their journey at a later time.

    Hope to read your journal soon. Also, in your personal details you can put a link to your journal. Then, appears under your avatar.

    FearMyDiscipline likes this.
  4. light&light

    light&light Fapstronaut

    Sister, please watch this video.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    As another SO, welcome to the forum!
    If you have any questions please feel free to ask me.
    I'm so happy to see you were welcomed already, but a PA will have reboot advice, that... Doesn't always help in our case, right?
    Your whole story is quite common... It's heartbreaking but true.
    We are all snowflakes in the same snow.
    I hope you feel welcome and find your answers.
    Me and @AnonymousAnnaXOXO have resources in our signatures, if you are on your phone - turn sideways.
    I hope you have a pleasant day!
  6. Welcome - so glad you're here.

    Kenzi mentioned herself and AnonymousAnnaXOXO - they have excellent resources to share in their signatures.

    If you haven't already come across them, please also search for these users. You'll find their experience and support invaluable.


    This is the link to the section of the site where partners of porn addicts support each other. Maybe start a thread there. The users I mentioned earlier are often around there.

    Sorry you're going through a lot just now.

    "Everything will be alright in the end... If everything's not alright, it's not yet the end."

    Take care, and please reach out to the community if you need something.
    FearMyDiscipline and Kenzi like this.
  7. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Yes, welcome to the forum, in my signature is a resources thread i made. It should help you get your footing starting this journey, i wish you luck!
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.
  8. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry you need to be here, but there is much support from both sides. I'm a SO too and have felt/do feel many of the same things you do. It is a struggle and heartbreaking. He needs to be serious and want to change for him first. It took 15 years and me ready to leave to help kick my BF into quitting for real. And I see so many positive changes. It has helped his depression and anxiety, he says he feels better and is happier. There is hope, it is just a long, painful road. Feel free to message me if you want to. The others have a lot of good resources, I can just offer some support as we struggle to make sense of all this.
  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    Hello and welcome to a forum, that if you are anything like me, you never were aware of, and would never wanted to be a part of. First, I had a very similar experience with my ex. He could never 0 with me from day one. Our sex life consisted of him MOing to finish with his eyes closed. Except in my situation, I could not talk and he did not want to touch me at all. He would snap at me if I did. I could get up and leave the room. His O was a truly solo experience hence the lack of bonding. It made me feel disgusting, and I dreaded having sex with him. He eventually agreed to quit the PMO. In his defense he really had no clue that was causing his DE. But it did not get better, not at all. Then one time when we were on a two week vacation together, suddenly he was able to O from my hand, it was then I became suspicious. He continued to search for an answer, going to doctors, having his testosterone tested, and everytime I asked him after another failed sex attempt if he was PMOing he looked me in the eyes and said no. Well you guessed it he was lying the entire time, and I finally caught him. He agreed to counseling and to stop entirely. within a few weeks he was able to O from my hand or mouth, but he never progressed to O from sex, and his experience was still separate from me. He was just using me to MO not his hand. I was not okay with this type of sex life. I longed for a normal sex life. I felt unattractive, fat and not sexy. I think he did stop for awhile, but he was very unhappy about it. He was angry at me for making him stop. He would yell out “you cannot control me.” He continued to lie about other things unrelated to PMO and did not see why I was upset. He wanted me to forget the entire thing and just move forward, except he was not giving me the means to heal or forgive. He also had performance anxiety and anxiety in general. Nonetheless, I knew I could not continue on like this. I knew he was not going to change unless he wanted to change, and me asking him to change was not going to be enough for him to change. And I think that’s the resounding theme here, your partner does not appear to be ready to change. When he will be, I do not know. Most addicts and even some non addict men are usually not motivated by our pain. We think if we were hurting our partner we would do everything we could to stop the pain. That’s not how his addiction thinks. His addiction is stronger than his feelings for you, plain and simple. Until he changes that mindset this is how things are always going to be. I actually don’t think he’s being too honest with you. I think he is being too honest with you about the things that you don’t want or need to hear and not being honest about the things you do need to hear. It’s actually a smokescreen. He’s trying to pull the wool over your eyes, by saying look honey I am being super honest with you, to distract you from the fact that’s h e’s lying about everything else. His actions make no sense, as an addict’s mind is not rational. I suspect if you stay in this relationship it will continue to bring you down. I did not realize how truly miserable I was in the relationship, until I got out. It was like someone had lifting a huge weight off of me. My friends and family noticed an immediate change. I was so unhappy for so long, and we were not together even close to how long the two of you were. As far as him breaking up with you, I believe it’s because he does not want to quit PMO. Deep down, in moments of non addict rationalization, he knows he is hurting you and that you deserve better. He also knows that being with you means he eventually will need to stop PMO and he’s also not ready for that. When you take him back, it affirms for him that he can continue to do this to you, and you will take him back, so he just continues. As the saying goes “what you allow will continue.” You tell him you will leave, or you threaten him with the need to be honest, but there is no follow through on your part. If you set ultimatums you have to follow through otherwise your words are meaningless to him and I suspect that’s where you sit right now. Make no mistake I understand you love this man and this is hard for you to do. But you have to for yourself. You have to put yourself first, because he most certainly is putting himself first, and you are putting him first, so no one is looking out for you. We all have to make our own choices, I cannot tell you to leave or stay that’s up to you. But if you were my best friend asking for advice, I would tell you it’s time to go. This man is not committed to changing. So you either accept things as they are, or you leave. He has to want to change to change. Hugs to you, it makes me sick in the stomach when I read this things, because I was there and I remember how horrible it felt.
  10. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

    I’m sorry to hear your story too. That’s terrible. :( Reading your comment makes me really think. I do believe he isn’t lying right now, and I really truly think he is wanting to quit. This has been something he’s being trying to do off and on for about 3 years, but was never convinced it would benefit him, and never truly wanted to quit. He’s always blamed his problems and our relationship problems on something else, thinking that he just has anxiety or stomach issues. But what I tried telling him for years was the root cause of all his problems was P. We actually decided to go travelling this feb (2018) for fun and to see if maybe eating a vegan diet and earthing (if you’re not familiar with this, it’s recieving the earths energy from skin to earth contact) would make all his problems go away. He tried to convince himself that everything else on this planet but P was the problem. Obviously that’s not it, and while we were travelling, he sat me down and told me he finally thinks P is his problem. You wouldn’t believe how happy that made me that he finally came to this conclusion himself. He told me he wanted to start doing nofap and take it seriously this time, and for about two months he gave it his all. He relapsed a couple days ago, and I really think it was just a relapse. He was sick in bed for a week straight, and I think that just wore him down, as laying in bed all day is a trigger. The only thing he did wrong was not communicate that day with me that he was having urges. He came over that night and told me everything and told me why he thinks he didn’t tell me. And he really gets upset when I say that this is a set back, he keeps telling me no, he learned so much from it this time and he knows how to avoid the triggers for next time. I really do believe he wants to do this this time, and for those two months he was so in love and honestly was my dream guy, he treated me like a queen. I’m going to stick it out with him a little longer, but if I see he’s not making progress anymore, I agree that I need to leave for myself. It’s funny because for him, I can tell from his energy and vibes, and how he treats me when he is lying to me, and I really do believe he’s being genuine right now. I think I should have left years ago, because waiting 6 years for him to finally get serious with this is too long. But now that he’s finally making progress, I’ll stick it out for a little longer. I can say that when he goes a long time without P, we have an amazing relationship 99% of the time. It’s just hitting me hard again because I can clearly see now how much P effects our relationship and how he treats me.
  11. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

    Also, very curious and maybe I’m just dumb, but what do you think he’s lying to me about still? I honestly don’t think he’s lying about porn anymore, but maybe I’m wrong. I can kinda tell with the way he treats me. He does tell me unnecessary things, but I think that’s to blame on his anxiety. He hates telling me that stuff, but he will be quiet beside me and I have to pry whatever it is out of him, and it’s sometimes things I don’t want to hear. It used to be a lot worse when we were dating for a year, his anxiety was at a peak, and he felt the need to tell me everything. It eventually stopped because of how hurt i was getting, and maybe it stopped cause he wasn’t feeding into it as much. But lately, because we have discussed how we really need to be honest with each other about everything, no matter what it is, I think his anxiety clung on to that, and is telling him to tell me that shit too now. Maybe I’m not explaining things right, but I don’t think my real bf wants to think those things or tell me those things, I think it’s the porn and anxiety ridden bf that does.

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