Hi, I’m not new here, I’ve read tons of posts. And my bf has been on and off nofap, but never really into it until about 2 months ago. But I really needed some advice. So little back story, my bf and I have been together for 6 years now. He’s had a problem with PMO since he was about 9. When we first started our relationship, he couldn’t even finish with me, and ended up having to masturbate beside me while looking at my boobs. He never wanted to have sex either, it was always getting a wet handjob and grabbing my boobs, not romantic at all. Also, he would get super away from me after and get break up feelings. The break up feelings have gotten so bad before that he has broken up with me multiple times, two of the times really badly where he freaks out on me and says hurtful things to get out of his life - both those times lasted for a whole month, and absolutely no talking the whole month. Just dropped off the face of the earth. I let him go every single time, and didn’t contact, and he came back telling me it was a mistake and the stupid porn/wet handjobs made him feel away. Also to add, is that every time he broke up with me, he was in so much pain after he did it, like he really didn’t want to break up with me, his body just made him. The porn has really effected our relationship, and my self esteem and trust. Last year, for a whole year, he led me to believe he didn’t masturbate or look at porn once, only to admit when he was breaking up with me that he has been looking at it at least once a week. I knew it the whole time, as I could tell with the way he treated me and the way he acted. He didn’t seem to be getting better. (He has bad anxiety and multiple stomach and brain fog issues because of PMO) Over the past couple years, this PMO thing has just crippled me. He’s sometimes too honest, (mostly because his anxiety makes him feel like he needs to tell me every single thing) he has told me that he checks out a lot of girls, has told me he has gone on Facebook to look up a girl from his high school and compare her looks to mine because he felt my looks weren’t enough, (another anxiety thought he always gets and he knows is anxiety, he gets it with his mom and sister too, is that he sometimes thinks we all look really ugly) he’s told me he’s rewinded movies to look at a female and compare me, etc, just things like this. Anyways, porn has killed my self esteem. When we got back together this January (2018) I told him no porn or I’m done and can’t be with him. He agreed. He figured nofap is something he needs to do mostly for him, but also for me. And at first, he looked at it a lot still, for like a month and a half. We went to Hawaii together backpacking Feb 21, 2018, and the whole time we were there (6 weeks) he didn’t look at porn once. He struggled lots, but I was there for him and helped keep him from relapsing. We had sex 3 times, and he masturbated once though, (got very angry and told me he’s allowed to touch himself and I can’t stop him) while we were there. We got back a week ago, and yesterday, the first day I go back to work, he masturbated to nothing, and then looked at porn a couple hours later. He didn’t try to tell me he was struggling or anything like we agreed either. He just did it. He says he still wants to do nofap, that he just relapsed, and I believe him. But I’m so heartbroken over this and can’t stop taking it personally. I’m angry he didn’t communicate with me and tell me he was struggling. I’m angry he jerked off to other naked girls. I’m angry that he gets away from me because of porn. Everytime he looks at porn, he puts my dreams of getting married and having kids on hold because porn stops him from wanting those things with me. Porn makes him feel not as in love with me, and that’s such a shitty feeling. He came inside me a week ago because he wanted to have a baby with me, and now he doesn’t want kids with me right now because porn makes him feel so away. I’m sitting here wanting to have sex too, and he wants nothing to do with that because he had “sex” with other women. I just don’t know how to stop these feelings and this heartbreak. I understand it’s an addiction and it’s nothing personal, but my brain and heart are just freaking out anyway. I want to be supportive and there for him, but I just want to scream in his face too. Ugh, does any other female feel like this no matter what? And does anyone have any advice, and is this a normal PMO thing? To not feel as in love with your partner because of it? I’m feeling so heartbroken and angry and I haven’t stopped crying since he did it.