Help! Looking for an SO's advice.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Chefb87, Apr 25, 2019.

  1. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

    Good morning everyone ,

    My wife has known for a while about the porn addiction, but just last week she found out the hard way that it is much deeper than she knew. I was in NYC for business where I had sex with an escort. Which she found out the hints I did that by looking through my phone ( I don't blame her , I pushed her into feeling like she needed to check it ) I told her everything. What I did , how much I spent , how before I left I was into VR porn , I would take MDMA and " go to bed early " so I can feel the high, and use VR. I've lied about so much in the past two years and I came clean with everything .
    She was devestated , I pulled the rug right from under her . She doesnt even know who I am , what is true and what isnt. And the worst of it all is she doesn't even know who SHE is anymore. And cherry on top, we have a 16 month old boy that we have to try and pretend like nothing's wrong for .
    She told her parents , and unexpectedly they told her that they felt blindsided , hurt , etc but also still felt like I was a good person, and that I just need to get help.
    It's been almost a week since she found out . I'm staying at my parents for now to give each other space . She still lets me see Ethan , and fscetimes with me to let him see his dada . I've started addictions counselling, heading to an SAA meeting next week, setting up another addictions counseling through work , and booked our first couples counseling for next week .
    My wife has also started addictions counseling so she can understand what's going on with me , so she can understand what's going on with her , and to get tools to build herself back up, at the same time help support me .
    I KNOW the chance I have right now is a miracle of a chance to get my family back , and I do NOT want to blow it . Right now I feel rxtrextre confident and driven to get the help Ive needed for so long . For me , for my son to be the father I need to be for him, and for my wife to be the husband she deserves, and has never seen my full potential of yet.
    I feel like there's two things I need to understand and do to help bring her and I back together at some point . I know 1) I need to get help , and be able to cope and manage it all. I also feel like 2) I want to full understand and comprehend exactly what she's going through, and what I've really done to her . I want to know this because I feel like I need to know fully, what I've done. I know I've hurt, a betrayed her more than anyone haas, but I also know I have no fucking idea what I've really done to her .
    I guess I'm looking for tips from some of the SA's on this site . What more can I do/ understand to help support her, and help eventually have our rrlstionship back , even though I know we will never get the old relationship back , but hopefully a new and improved one.

    Any ideas or tips would really help . I can't let her down .

    Thank you
    Rehab101 and PodcastEnthusiast like this.
  2. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Fapstronaut

    Well I'm an addict, not an SA, but I do have a bit of advice, if you don't mind. You seem to be in the boat that most of us, if not ALL of us, were in at one point, or may still be in. And that is that you're wanting some kind of closure from your wife about this. When I told my wife, she needed time to process everything. I would've preferred a dozen dropkicks to the head over that waiting, but that's just what she needed from me, TIME. She needed me to give her some space and time, and most importantly, she needed me to NOT hover over her, asking her what was wrong, what I could do for her, and just bothering her. Some spouses need more space than others, some need separate living places, others just need a room alone.

    Try to be respectful, but above all else, be patient with her.
    Charfonglee likes this.

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