Help me figure this out whether I'm gay or just HOCD...

It's a long story about how I have got into porn as far as I remembered it was earlier when I was around 15 that's how I was deeply addicted to PMO.

When I was young I always fantasized about women, my first crush is a woman, everything was all women, etc... I remembered the day I finally fell into addiction was I got heartbroken for the first time... my soul is completely torn apart, depression started to occur goes on and on using PMO as reassurance to suppress the pain... during that addiction period I watched all type of fetishes also addicted before that heartbroken events as I remembered. I started with straight porn, as I got bored i looked for another stimulation something new* then gay, also I was never attracted to the same gender at all... By then I discovered transwoman porn, just thinking now makes me arousal already, it was so highly addicted to the point where I mimick the pornography due to excessive masturbation my penis erection isn't hard, then it doesn't feel good and I tried anal masturbated... it wasn't last long at all, cause I didn't like it. also, extremely guilty, depression, and social anxiety were all over the place.

My life is close to ruined if I continue this bizarre habit, that's when I started to research final discovered Nofap... It was probably the greatest thing that awaited me!!! I finally found the help I needed, I did everything cut pornography, stopped masturbating, during that recovering journey went through relapsing, triggered to finally.... it has been 3 years since I did nofap now...

Life is completely changed, socializing, regaining my confidence, getting to enjoy life trying new experiences... although mental disorders that came along with is not entirely disappeared... i still have mild depression which is better than waking up every day feeling like shit and wanting to kill myself, also my social anxiety is able to handle to normal anxiety level which means i could complete daily tasks as much as I could.

I have never had that anxiety or thought about being gay at all... then suddenly one day at my new workplace... one handsome guy walked by I noticed that this guy was getting scolded by me for being misinformation through group chat, I'm not sure how i felt to him back then but i remembered i stared at him... with a mix feelings, it was sort of panic but it's just different i couldn't really describe it, that how i keep questioning my sexuality since then... i recalled probably the worse day of my life... it was because i have no solutions... it was similar to the embarrassment i used to have during the addiction period caused by social anxiety... after that incident, i seriously couldn't function well these days... I feel like i fought my way from PMO addiction to becoming an actual gay !!!! probably the most prank moment of my life... Thought about being gay makes me depressed and just sad... i feel hopeless cause that's not what i fought for these years, I worked hard not for this... it has been 2 months since this HOCD happened also nowadays I felt no strength to fight back cause the more i research it's almost likely I seek reassurance, after that, it came back worsening, after all, I feel like I should just accept myself as gay... maybe it will stop? i seriously have no other choice or somehow feel suicidal...

 

I already years without pmo... and this is happening which probably causes me in confusion, I'm already at the point where i just gotta accept that I'm gay cause i don't have the strength to fight no more...

 

The feelings i had was not love, it just weird, it's like an urges combined with compulsive that's not so excited at all also with panic attack, genuine attraction make me happy fall in love, want to hold, want to kiss, but that false attraction was nothing almost like an urges without emotional connection

 

Nope, i must have to worry... I did nofap because i was addicted and it almost ruined my life... pursue a relationship and start a family also part of my main goals after recovered from nofap... It almost like you work the hardest and earned nothing in return... If i finalized recovered from PMO somehow it turned it was just covered my true sexuality then i don't see the point continuing nofap anymore... I rather kill myself for such being an unlucky person